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Much encouragement needed..


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I was dating my (now ex) bf for like a month, knew each other slightly over 2months.

Recently I have been hit with another depression relapse - I told him I had this medical condition while we were talking bout our past relationships (before we started dating)

So couple of days before we broke up, i was feeling kinda snappy. Got irritated by a response from cinema staff whom didn't respond to my question. So I got annoyed and my tone was pretty harsh when I spoke to the staff (bf wasn't there).

Afterwards, I grumbled to my ex while telling him the whole conversation. So he mentioned that the staff may not have responded appropriately given the crowd size he have to manage etc; I agreed and wasn't sure why I had the sudden outburst at that moment.

Afterwards, I apologised to my ex for overreacting and thought alls good since the whole date ended well as usual. 

Subsequently the next 2 days, I felt that the symptoms of the depression are getting more vivid and clear (loss of appetite, circling thoughts, low mood etc;) 

For my case, the doctor suggested mine could be case of chronic as few of my family members have this medical condition too. I started the medication again as soon I feel off. And rumination came: that mental condition is long term and will haunt me for life, I would have to live by medications forever. 

I started to get pretty demoralised but I sought help from my friends and ex to get through this..However I got the feeling somethings off with him..call me sensitive or what. But he was replying slower than before and for two occasions while sending him texts, he turned off his data. So that kind of got me concerned too if he started to doubt or is unsure about our relationship. 

I wanted to get my thoughts across to him as I felt suffocated.. So I met him nearby my house and told him bout my thoughts, about how he should consider if he wants to be with me in this, like he could still pull out now if he doesn't want to; I did mentioned that I felt better as compared to previous episode but the constant thought of it relapsing kept creeping in my head. 

So during the chat, he mentioned that he is still very new to this condition, he doesn't know how to help me or do, and can't say for sure if he can accept it or not. I told him he can take this time and episode to see but at any point of time he feels he couldn't handle or doesn't want to continue then let me know ASAP. I didn't want to find out we can't work out after a couple of years since we aren't young anymore. So the chat ended fine and we went back home afterward per normal. 

The next morning though, he sent me the text mentioning that he is not confident that he could take these situations of sudden mood change well with his temper at times (have not seen his temper yet) and he didn't want to waste my time so he asked if we can remain as friends. 

Disappointed and heartbroken by his response, I thanked him for his honesty and being decisive. There were times I find fault at him for forsaking our relationship so easily for leaving me when I need his support, and for being so easily shaken when he hasnt even try..yet at times I thanked him for being clear cut at least he cut this short which is good for both of us since we barely started out. 

Thinking back now, I recalled his previous relationship was due to the girl having mood issues which ended the relationship..i guess this sort of became his redflag or what..

It's the 3rd day now- I'm trying to come to terms with it while recovering from my current episode.. A double blow for me. I have been trying to convert my heart ache into anger so I could get him out from my head soon and feel better quickly...but one second I deleted our photos in a flash, the other I restored them and start looking through them again..really dislike this feeble part of me.. 

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Disappointed and heartbroken by his response, I thanked him for his honesty and being decisive. There were times I find fault at him for forsaking our relationship so easily for leaving me when I need his support, and for being so easily shaken when he hasnt even try..yet at times I thanked him for being clear cut at least he cut this short which is good for both of us since we barely started out. 

Keep checking in with the proper support through therapy and the medical advice and treatment from your doctors. I'm sorry this didn't work out but as you say, he was decisive and ended it early because you both weren't compatible. It might be best to avoid dating until you have a good handle on how your current treatment works with your depression. 

Break ups are hard any which way you look at it. You were seeing each other for just a month but I'm sure this doesn't hurt any less. When I'm that kind of feeble as you say I let those feelings happen and then I also tell myself enough is enough and make sure I move on to the next thing I have to do or complete in the day. Talk to your doctor about those ruminations too and be honest how starting to date again has an effect on your moods. Sending you lots of support and encouragement. You're not alone.

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Sorry this happened. You did the right thing telling him about your medical conditions and how they impact you and your relationships.

Follow up with your doctors, psychiatrists and therapists.

Mood disorders do run in families.  

It's excellent you have insight into when episodes are happening.

 

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It's best that this has ended. 

He knows he cannot help you, and it's quite a lot for a young relationship to shoulder the weight of a mental health issue. 

Seek treatment and support from your doctor and loved ones. I would wait until you feel more stable before dating again, for your own wellbeing. 

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Thanks for all the support and advice. Yep I'm feeling much better and hope the mood improves in time to come. Yes I intend to fix this episode for good and would work diligently with my psychiatrist to prevent relapse.

No point crying over spilled milk, I will get back on my feet and move on. Thanks again for the encouragement. Feeling all good now - keep it this way please🤞

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