Jump to content

I think I have ruined everything


Recommended Posts

! So, I had been dating a really nice, sweet guy for a month and a half. We was perfect and everything I had been looking for in a man. About a month into our relationship, it started to fall apart. He got very drunk one night. We had gone out together and both of us drank too much. But he drank way more than he should of. He shoved me several times. I forgave him because I knew that that person was not him. We worked things out. But at the same time, he was hit with a major family crisis and that has pretty much done him in. He distanced himself from me so he could deal with the family issue. But he was also really inconsistent after this time. He'd want space and time, he asked me to be patient, then he wanted to break up, then work things out. Then... I made a huge mistake and got drunk the other night and went and I made awful accusations that weren't true. This really upset him. I apologized. He made me apologize to his friend. I did the other day, I wanted to take him his birthday present. He works at a store here in town. I didn't see the harm in that. I got him tickets to a concert he wants to go to. He opened the card and the receipt for the tickets were in there. He said he loved it and hugged me. I asked if we could talk when he finished his shift. He said yes. He was off an hour later. So I went to do something for that hour. I came back and he seemed angry I did. I told him he said we could talk. He didn't want to and said he had to go to his parent's house. We talked for about 5 minutes and then he said we were done. He needed space. Called me a psycho. Kind of blamed me. But also said we can talk in about a month, etc. I am not sure what to do. I am thinking this is temporary.
Then last night I ran into him at the bar. He drove me home. He said he blocked me, but said he wanted to be good friends. 
Then idiot me sends him a stupid text message that said I loved him, I was hurt, and didn’t want to be his friend. 
 

This morning he was supposed to drive me to get my car. Wasn’t able to reach him. Told him to ignore 95% the of the crap I say when I’m drunk, and that I do want to be his friend. 

 

But I would also like to work on getting him back. He is a great guy who's very kind when things go right for him. Over the last couple of weeks we had been fighting and he had said some horrible things to me. We did and said horrible things to each other. We're both going through a rough time right now

Edited by Not-so-sure
Typo
Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

 I had been dating a really nice, sweet guy for a month and a half. We was perfect and everything I had been looking for in a man. About a month into our relationship, it started to fall apart. He got very drunk one night. We had gone out together and both of us drank too much. But he drank way more than he should of. He shoved me several times. I forgave him because I knew that that person was not him.

You are in denial. 

This is him. 

And this was terribly toxic with just about zero chance of working. You need to get away from this abuser, and figure out where you self-worth disappeaed to.

This guy is awful. 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
25 minutes ago, Not-so-sure said:

He got very drunk one night. We had gone out together and both of us drank too much. But he drank way more than he should of. He shoved me several times. I forgave him because I knew that that person was not him.

You've sent the message that you'll tolerate his abuse which gives him the green light to continue, while knowing you'll stick by his side.

This abuse has the tendency to escalate where the next round will go beyond a few "shoves."

Please don't feel you're the exception to the rule...you're not.  This is who he is.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

The mom talk: Aggressive forceful behavior, intoxicated or not, is inexcusable!  And you my dear, you need to take a good look at yourself and your drinking. If you can't control yourself being in an emotional drunken mess, you shouldn't be touching a drop of alcohol. There is a reason why this is falling apart...a lot of it has to do with the two of you drinking and his lack of ability to cope. This guy is dangerous, you can do way better than him.

Edited by smackie9
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is your third thread on a guy that you dated just over a month.  He has been violent, has issues with alcohol, and you had been arguing the majority of the relationship.  We have all advised you in every thread to move on.  

Do you have a history of dating abusive men?  You don't seem to think much of yourself as you seem to think that he is some sort of prize.

"Really nice, sweet" guys do you get violent and treat you in this manner.  This guy does not respect or like you.   

Edited by Hollyj
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I hate to tell you this but common sense dictates that your relationship with him is over.  ☹️

Both of you had out of control drinking episodes, far too many cross words were exchanged, he has sad family issues he needs to deal with, there was bad name calling and a lot of unnecessary angry back 'n forth drama. 

The one good thing you did was decline friendship because friendship with him wouldn't have been healthy anyway, would've felt awkward and wouldn't have lasted. 

If there's one thing I've learned about human nature, relationships or friendships, it is that you can't lob back 'n forth without harsh consequences.  There's always a price to pay.

This is why self control is so important even when you feel like blurting out words you will sorely regret later.  (Some people have no regrets and extremely smug about it.)  In other cases, once hurtful words were easily and callously dispensed whether verbal or written form, you can't take it back once it's already out there or once it was said.  People don't have amnesia.  They remember EVERYTHING thoroughly and in fullest details.  It was one time too many and that's it.  When it comes to  human nature, people do either one of these two actions or non-actions:  They either retaliate by saying something mean spirited and hurtful, say or write something cynical or cruel, give you a backhanded compliment or they simply do nothing and sever all contact permanently.

I've had people in my life whether past friends, current friends, relatives and in-laws who are not careful with what their wording both verbal and written.  Careful meaning, they're real selves are revealed which is a sobering reality and disappointment.  Worse yet, there are passive aggressive or backhanded compliments spewed my way which I take great offense to.  However, I never attack back.  I'm gracious and kind in small doses.  Also, I consider it a wake up call for me and yet again another lesson learned.  I withdraw, decline with very good, respectful manners and I shy away.  "Once bitten twice shy."  Why would I engage with anyone who has no qualms disrespecting me?  I certainly don't need it.  I have better things to do with my time and happiness. 

I also, I can't keep up with people's good and bad days.  Their pendulum swings too wide.  One minute, they're nice, the next minute they're mean and I don't care how stressful your day was.  Don't take it out on me.  I did nothing wrong.  My mother was so right and so correct:  "Many people only PRETEND to be good."  Her pearls of wisdom couldn't have been more spot on and right on the mark!

An analogy would be if you burned your hand on the stove.  Wouldn't you be more careful in the future so your hand wouldn't get burned again?  This is your guy.  He doesn't want to get burned again.  He was hurt by your scathing words and you, too were hurt by what he said as well.  Both of you can't take back mean words which were exchanged during a heated, emotional moment.  Sure, people can forgive and move on.  However, there is no such thing as "forget." 

Your relationship with him was not all in vain.  Your key takeaway was some harsh lessons learned for your future relationships.  You will know how to behave better, know how to exercise self control and also you can be picky and choosy with whom you wish to associate with.  I hope you find a compatible man.  Hopefully, there will be better self control with drinking to avoid being inebriated.  Live and learn the hard way.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Not-so-sure said:

But I would also like to work on getting him back. He is a great guy who's very kind when things go right for him. Over the last couple of weeks we had been fighting and he had said some horrible things to me.

And you want to keep this guy around.. why?  He is horrible to you! 😞 

And you do not love him.. you've only been involved  a month and it's been a unstable mess.

To push you around.. to insults.. it blocking you?  Pathetic behaviour.  You two do no good for each other.

Find a nice man.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/3/2021 at 5:43 PM, Not-so-sure said:

He shoved me several times.

This is as far as I need to read. Whatever devolved in this wasn't you, but your standards.

You can blame yourself for whatever happened, but I hope you'll grow beyond feeding yourself that bunk and recognize, instead, that physical force is not forgivable. Period.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...