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I'm in a toxic relationship. Help!


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Hi,

I need help! Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years now. We wanted to have a baby so after trying for a year I was finally pregnant. My pregnancy was really difficult and at the moment of having the baby. It took me 36 hours to have a natural delivery but end up C-section. After that all changed. 

He is starting to get controlling. While at the hospital, he didn't let me hold the baby or do anything with the baby. I needed to ask him so many times but It was frustrating. He even forgot about me, forgot that I had a mayor surgery. I didn't even get help with bathing or walking from bed to bathroom. I started getting sad. Fast forward to now. Everything was the same; anything I said didn't matter. He was the only person that can made decisions for the baby. I was always wrong and he was right. 

That's when he started bully me. One time I was breast feeding, and for some reason the baby was gassy and fuzzy he blamed me Because my milk did that and he asked what did you eat today. I cried that night so much. 

Then more and more things happened. 

My son is only 3 years old and he is autistic. I'm so scared, I don't know what to do.... I want to leave him but don't know how. I'm afraid he will do something to me or my child. 

He tells me everyday that I'm nothing and he is the mom and dad. That I gave birth but he was the one that felt all everything, more than me.  That I need to be in his shoes. 

Since we are no married, he doesn't any paternity rights until he has a DNA test and sign papers. I already talked to a lawyer but I'm scared if he take him away. 

I have been so miserable for 3 years now. On my own. He also has a video game addiction that doesn't want to recognize. 

I'm thinking to wait for when he goes to work and then I pack all and leave. But I'm worry about my son daily therapy and he routine. Can I asked him then to leave? I pay for the rent and everything else. 

Please help!! What should I do? 

Thanks you! 

 

 

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He should not be able to control what you do.

He cannot take & keep the child.  You should be held as primary caregiver, being the mother. He could be entitled visitation or part time access.

BUT, you need to inform your lawyer all of how he is and all he does, in terms of his control over you since baby arrived.  he is a nasty man!

None of this is good on you or the little one.

I don't know his problem or why he is like this?  Did he have neglectiful or abusive/controlling parents?

Either way you do need to leave this guy!

Do not ask him to leave - he probably won't, so either you leave & wait on him to get out & get his own place.. or you just leave for a different place.

When I left my ex, I packed up a bunch of stuff and my parents arrived while he was at work to talk to him, when he got home & we had already left there.  He got out within 3 weeks - although my dad had to kick in and get him going on finding a place.

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

He should not be able to control what you do.

He cannot take & keep the child.  You should be held as primary caregiver, being the mother. He could be entitled visitation or part time access.

BUT, you need to inform your lawyer all of how he is and all he does, in terms of his control over you since baby arrived.  he is a nasty man!

None of this is good on you or the little one.

I don't know his problem or why he is like this?  Did he have neglectiful or abusive/controlling parents?

Either way you do need to leave this guy!

Do not ask him to leave - he probably won't, so either you leave & wait on him to get out & get his own place.. or you just leave for a different place.

When I left my ex, I packed up a bunch of stuff and my parents arrived while he was at work to talk to him, when he got home & we had already left there.  He got out within 3 weeks - although my dad had to kick in and get him going on finding a place.

I know, I’m still on this relationship just for my son. Because of his gaming addition we really don't even sleep together. Usually when wake up for work that is when he goes to bed. HR already contact him from his work because he has been lacking and not doing his job. 

My only concern is my son in home teraphy that it's everyday 6hr each. The problem is that my mom live 1 hour away and it's impossible for therapist to go to my moms. 

I wish he can leave for the sake of his son. 

When the baby was newborn, I told him I was leaving him and I started to pack my stuff and babies and he took my son. When I got out of the room. Both were gone. That hurt me so much. I felt like my word ended. It was such a horrible experience. He call the cops telling them that I was going to kidnap the baby and while the police was there he was screaming at my the whole time. That even one of the police men stop him and told him “you need to stop yelling at her, since we got here you only have been yelling at her” so please shut up. 

After that day, I have been so scared. Because I don't want him to take him and do something to him or me. 

Few minutes ago, I told him to leave the house or I call the cops and he start yelling at me. So I didn't want to make things worst. I went in the room a lock my self. So I have been here for few hours now. 

I feel so sad and lonely! I don't deserve this. I want to be happy that's all. 

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Okay, I suggest you stop threatening him with leaving.  You already know how he reacts.

Do not do that.  Do as I suggested.. You get some stuff together and make your plan to leave.

Do not ask him to leave.. do not threaten to do it.

You prepare, then leave with some clothes etc for a while.

You deal with the rest later, because when you are done and have left, that's it!  You are not going back to him.

You already know the kind of guy he is.  he is not kind.

Can you go to your moms - an hour away?  Or to a friends- while you look into finding a place for you & baby?

How about womens shelter?

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I can go to my mom. I just need to be happy and not worry about anything for my son and myself. 

But I pay the rent, utilities, etc. What should I do just let him stay there? 

I'm going to call my lawyer on Monday and figure out my plan. Since he goes to work Tuesday and Wed. It's the best opportunity for me to leave. 

I'm so tired of been bullied. I just need to be strong and do it for my son.

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That's right.. You are not okay with him..you be where you are happy and feel okay- you and your son.  

Yes, contact your lawyer . This can go to court where your son remains with you and make sure lawyer knows all about the guys attitude with you.  They need to know all of that.

Yes, go to your mom's.  Do not talk about you leaving anymore.  You know how he is.   Just leave.

He can deal with the place he is in.  Het gets what he deserves acting like this.

You look for a place when you get to your moms, I guess.

One thing at a time, get out.

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Aren't there therapists near your mother.  

You need to get out of there, this is terrible for you and your child.  Get in touch with the attorney ASAP.

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4 hours ago, Momof1 said:

I can go to my mom. I just need to be happy and not worry about anything for my son and myself. 

But I pay the rent, utilities, etc. What should I do just let him stay there? 

I'm going to call my lawyer on Monday and figure out my plan. Since he goes to work Tuesday and Wed. It's the best opportunity for me to leave. 

I'm so tired of been bullied. I just need to be strong and do it for my son.

Yes. Enlist the help of friends and family. Move to your mother. 

Take your child and get court ordered child support. 

Also make sure that he only gets supervised visitation if/when he applies for that.

Sever all financial ties. Get your name off all the bills, lease etc. Change ALL your passwords on ALL your accounts, social media, etc.

You can't force him out of the house. Why worry about that? Since you are not married or do not co-own anything, just pack up your stuff and leave.

Make sure all your mail is forwarded to your mother's address.

There's a lot you can do right now that has nothing to do with lawyers or ultility bills. Start there.

Have an organized and cohesive and permanent exit strategy.

Too many women are advised to panic and run. Then they just end up with compounded problems because they left too many loose ends. Then they go back to the abuser because all the loose ends require communication.

Sever everything. Change all passwords and accounts, organize your things, then pack up and leave when you are sure you have a finalized plan.

In the meantime act as if everything is normal. Most of all do not flee in a panicked emotional mindset. Have a cohesive sensible plan.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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7 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Aren't there therapists near your mother.  

You need to get out of there, this is terrible for you and your child.  Get in touch with the attorney ASAP.

No, my child has case coordination and social workers in my district, if I moved to my mom that's another jurisdiction and I will have to do everything again to find get his Terapy. 

He really can't be without Terapy more that 2 days. After 2 days his behavior starts changing and I he gets way delay.

That's why so difficult to me leaving. Either I sacrifice myself so my son get the help he needs or sacrifice my son. 

Maybe I can file for domestic violence protective services. Or emergency services. I don't know.... I will call the lawyer on Monday

 

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Enlist the help of friends and family. Move to your mother. 

Take your child and get court ordered child support. 

Also make sure that he only gets supervised visitation if/when he applies for that.

Sever all financial ties. Get your name off all the bills, lease etc. Change ALL your passwords on ALL your accounts, social media, etc.

You can't force him out of the house. Why worry about that? Since you are not married or do not co-own anything, just pack up your stuff and leave.

Make sure all your mail is forwarded to your mother's address.

There's a lot you can do right now that has nothing to do with lawyers or ultility bills. Start there.

Have an organized and cohesive and permanent exit strategy.

Too many women are advised to panic and run. Then they just end up with compounded problems because they left too many loose ends. Then they go back to the abuser because all the loose ends require communication.

Sever everything. Change all passwords and accounts, organize your things, then pack up and leave when you are sure you have a finalized plan.

In the meantime act as if everything is normal. Most of all do not flee in a panicked emotional mindset. Have a cohesive sensible plan.

 

Wow!! Thank you, yes that's the way my therapist told me to don't. I need to make a plan. Make sure all my son’s services are aligned. 

I didn't think about the passwords. And mail. This is great! Thank you I will be hustling this week and organizing everything. 

I stared to look at places so I can move. 

Thank you so much!!!

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You aren't going to "sacrifice" your son!

I bet he acts out partly because he lives in a toxic environment.  Get him out of there and I bet he'd improve.  And yes, he does too know what's going on.  Children are very perceptive.

Tell his current therapist and social worker that you are in an abusive marriage and need to get out as quickly as you can.  Enlist their help to find a new therapist for your son who can visit at your mom's home at least temporarily until you can figure out permanent housing for yourself and your son.

And yes, consult with an attorney.  You might even be able to get a temporary injunction giving you full physical custody of your son.

Good luck, I hope you are able to get free.

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I know nothing about autism, but can't you learn some of the methods to keep your child in a calm state?   What would you do if he got really sick or the school had to temporarily shut down due to Covid?   

Edited by Hollyj
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You haven't seen anything yet. Keep a jounal of dates, times, photos, of your appointments, interactions with your ex, lawyer etc. I have a bad feeling your ex is gonna get desperate and start threatening you. It would be best to live with someone temporarily where he can't find you. Make a record of everything, text messages, emails, etc. You just might have to get a restraining order to keep him away if he gets aggressive. Lots of women refuse to take precautions thinking their ex isn't capable, but never underestimate a desperate controlling man that is about to lose everything.

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