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In need of a little encouragement...


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Hi ENAers, so I recently posted a thread about my husband’s and my broken relationship. I’d booked a flight for last month but couldn’t get a Covid test for travel in time so rescheduled my flight, which is for the 26th of this month. 

Today was a bad day. I somehow developed an infection a couple of days ago and it was so bad today, despite the medication I picked up yesterday. I felt so nauseous and in pain, taking care of my toddler alone. I really needed my husband to stay home - it’s a public holiday anyway, to help me take care of our son, but that never happens because his cells come first seven days a week.  I couldn’t even ask a friend because of the pandemic and restrictions. I just sat on the floor, shaking in pain and sick to my stomach, and my son wanted his lunch, wanted to play, needed to be changed, to be breastfed..and all I could do was struggle through it. 

When my husband came home from work there was no caring, “Hey, sorry I had to go to work when you’re unwell, are you okay? How are you feeling now? I’ll take care of xxx for the afternoon so you can rest.” I have to wait nearly 4 weeks before I can leave. We took our rings off today. It’s 2:30am and I’m really struggling. I hate feeling trapped, feeling alone, feeling uncared for as though I have no value as a human being. Today was a rough one. I’ll get through it all eventually, it’s just tough.

 

Edited by LotusBlack
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I’m sorry you feel so alone. I can only imagine how unsupported and unseen you must feel. It sounds like your relationship is finished. Are you able to get an airbnb or another place to live before you leave him? It may help to be away from him and at least have some peace. It feels so terribly lonely to live with someone who no longer cares. It may help to be just on own for a bit to gather your strength and focus on you and your baby before your flight. In any case I’m sending you virtual hugs and wish you a speedy recovery. If you’ve made it this far, you’re a strong woman and you’re taking steps to create a better life. Don’t forget that.

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Keeping you in my thoughts, Lotus. I also hope you feel better soon and see a doctor for this infection. Have you seen a doctor?

I took my ring off in private about six months after separation. Then I put it on again because the white line was hard to look at. I finally took it off about a month after when I was sitting alone at the beach one day. The sun got rid of the white line after awhile. I am very sorry you're going through this alone. There is no one way to do it and sometimes we falter. Take care of yourself and remember to walk your own truth, no matter what it is or no matter what anyone says or thinks you ought to do. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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4 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

I’m sorry you feel so alone. I can only imagine how unsupported and unseen you must feel. It sounds like your relationship is finished. Are you able to get an airbnb or another place to live before you leave him? It may help to be away from him and at least have some peace. It feels so terribly lonely to live with someone who no longer cares. It may help to be just on own for a bit to gather your strength and focus on you and your baby before your flight. In any case I’m sending you virtual hugs and wish you a speedy recovery. If you’ve made it this far, you’re a strong woman and you’re taking steps to create a better life. Don’t forget that.

Thanks for your response, Unsure. Unfortunately the country is still in lockdown and Airbnbs are not really operating at the moment. I couldn’t afford staying in accommodation for nearly a month anyway, not with the cost of hotel quarantine in my home country that I will have to pay for on the other end of my flight.

I just have to bear with it where I am until I fly. It just hurts to be treated the way I am. But it isn’t the first time - he’s treated me like a problem to solve since I got pregnant nearly 2 years ago. I stayed too long in the relationship and country and then it became nearly impossible to leave due to the pandemic. 4 weeks will pass by and I will be out of this nightmare soon, it’s just a challenge that some days I find hard to handle on my own. Thanks for the support!

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Keeping you in my thoughts, Lotus. I also hope you feel better soon and see a doctor for this infection. Have you seen a doctor?

I took my ring off in private about six months after separation. Then I put it on again because the white line was hard to look at. I finally took it off about a month after when I was sitting alone at the beach one day. The sun got rid of the white line after awhile. I am very sorry you're going through this alone. There is no one way to do it and sometimes we falter. Take care of yourself and remember to walk your own truth, no matter what it is or no matter what anyone says or thinks you ought to do. 

 

Thanks Rose. I appreciate your words. 

I couldn’t get in to see a doctor in person due to pandemic rules, but I had a phone consultation and was prescribed antibiotics, they just took a couple of days to kick in and today I’m feeling much better on that front.

I think what hurts for me is the lie and the feeling of having my choices violated. To have the person you married because you loved them tell you they felt forced into marriage and that it was not their will, especially when I consistently said that marriage wasn’t an option without love, really is a slap in the face. I never would have made any of the choices I made if I’d been operating with all the information and could make informed choices. The whole thing was a lie and I was trying to play happy family, completely ignorant of the situation at first. I put him first every time, and when things started to become challenging I was the one who reached for solutions. I suggested counselling, I bought the marriage books, made the compromises, etc. At the time, I didn’t see it but should have recognised then that when someone leaves you in the boat to paddle alone instead of paddling with you, then they don’t care if you sink. But I just kept paddling...

I’ll be okay with some time. 🙂

Edited by LotusBlack
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1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

 I will be out of this nightmare soon.

What is the plan? Is he leaving the house or are you relocating somewhere with your child?

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is the plan? Is he leaving the house or are you relocating somewhere with your child?

I’m returning to Australia with our son. He will be flying back to Japan for a month to visit his parents and booked it for the day before my flight to Aus. He is in agreement for me to take our son, of course.

It’s still the same plan as before and I booked the flight last month. It’s just difficult sometimes with the wait until my son and I leave.

Edited by LotusBlack
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54 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I’m returning to Australia with our son. He will be flying back to Japan for a month to visit his parents and booked it for the day before my flight to Aus. He is in agreement for me to take our son, of course.

It’s still the same plan as before and I booked the flight last month. It’s just difficult sometimes with the wait until my son and I leave.

When can he leave for Japan?  When can you leave for Australia? 

Besides booking a flight, what other requirements are there for you and your son in order to fly and in order to enter Australia?

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22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

When can he leave for Japan?  When can you leave for Australia? 

Besides booking a flight, what other requirements are there for you and your son in order to fly and in order to enter Australia?

I am leaving permanently on the 26th of April and he is leaving for a holiday on the 25th of April.

I have the requisite written permission from my husband to leave with my son and I have the PRC covid test booked, so will have no problem entering Australia. We will be staying with my step-father until I can get my Australian paperwork sorted once I’m there.

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I'm sorry you are struggling so much.  And caring for a toddler when you are sick and alone is the worst (been there!!) - I hope this weekend is better and again I am sorry.

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Posted (edited)
52 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am so so sorry you have had to deal with being treated like that. As a human being and the mother of his child you deserve better. 

Thanks, Seraphim. I appreciate that. It’s really tough. I met my husband after having been single for 6 years. I’d gone on a few dates here and there, but not so much as even kissed a guy on all that time. It took me a couple of years to get over my ex and the trauma from that. We met at university and fell in love while he was doing his Masters degree and some time later, when he was finished and it was time for him to return to Germany, he begged me to move back with him. I’d really trusted him.

We made a plan - we’d go to Germany so he could defend his thesis and be there for maybe a year and then we’d return to Australia so I could finish my last semester of university, which I’d put on hold so I could support him in Germany. I gave up my job and income, I put things on hold, gave up a life long dream that I’d already begun bringing to fruition. I gave up time with my terminally ill mother, my friends, my country and language. But it wasn’t a bad risk, I thought, because we were serious, committed, and older. We made realistic plans and set goals, we had all the important conversations. But 2 months after arriving, he says, “I’m sorry, but I think what I really feel for you is actually just friendship. I am scared to let you go because I know how lucky I am to have someone who loves me like you do, but I just don’t feel the same.” I wish he’d figured that out before I’d gone the distance for us. I had to pack up my life and move back to Aus again. 

So, to hear my husband say he never loved me..it hurts, particularly as I am not so easy to give my heart away. I identify as demisexual and being close to people is hard for me. I ease into relationships most of the time and usually have always been friends with that person for quite some time before. I really thought my husband was my person. So to be discarded so easily, after all I went through having this baby, trying to just get somewhere in life, trying my best..and not even having the respect and (non-romantic) love from him as the mother of his child..it’s a level of hurt I didn’t know I could feel. But, as much as I thought I was being cautious with love and being practical and responsible with how I pursued it..I guess I made bad choices because this seems to keep happening. I am the common denominator.

I’m going to take a good amount of time to heal and just spend moments being happy with my amazing little guy. He’s so precious to me, the child I was always told I’d never have. I’m excited to see him grow. That’s my focus now. Just looking forward to getting on with things. I’m sure that there will be more challenging days emotionally, before I leave. But one foot in front of the other. :-)

Edited by LotusBlack
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2 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

It’s just difficult sometimes with the wait until my son and I leave.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know it seems like you'll never get to that finish line, but you will. 

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9 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

Thanks, Seraphim. I appreciate that. It’s really tough. I met my husband after having been single for 6 years. I’d gone on a few dates here and there, but not so much as even kissed a guy on all that time. It took me a couple of years to get over my ex and the trauma from that. We met at university and fell in love while he was doing his Masters degree and some time later, when he was finished and it was time for him to return to Germany, he begged me to move back with him. I’d really trusted him.

We made a plan - we’d go to Germany so he could defend his thesis and be there for maybe a year and then we’d return to Australia so I could finish my last semester of university, which I’d put on hold so I could support him in Germany. I gave up my job and income, I put things on hold, gave up a life long dream that I’d already begun bringing to fruition. I gave up time with my terminally ill mother, my friends, my country and language. But it wasn’t a bad risk, I thought, because we were serious, committed, and older. We made realistic plans and set goals, we had all the important conversations. But 2 months after arriving, he says, “I’m sorry, but I think what I really feel for you is actually just friendship. I am scared to let you go because I know how lucky I am to have someone who loves me like you do, but I just don’t feel the same.” I wish he’d figured that out before I’d gone the distance for us. I had to pack up my life and move back to Aus again. 

So, to hear my husband say he never loved me..it hurts, particularly as I am not so easy to give my heart away. I identify as demisexual and being close to people is hard for me. I ease into relationships most of the time and usually have always been friends with that person for quite some time before. I really thought my husband was my person. So to be discarded so easily, after all I went through having this baby, trying to just get somewhere in life, trying my best..and not even having the respect and (non-romantic) love from him as the mother of his child..it’s a level of hurt I didn’t know I could feel. But, as much as I thought I was being cautious with love and being practical and responsible with how I pursued it..I guess I made bad choices because this seems to keep happening. I am the common denominator. 

I am so sorry you were betrayed like that . Having someone give up their entire life for you and then say oops sorry but I don’t really love you and I am so afraid to be without your love and support is beyond the pale. It is gross. 
 

I hope you can pull your life back together quickly when you go back home. 

Edited by Seraphim
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Posted (edited)
33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you are struggling so much.  And caring for a toddler when you are sick and alone is the worst (been there!!) - I hope this weekend is better and again I am sorry.

Thank you, Batya. It is tough and I’ve done it many many times before when I was an au pair, but I was always able to keep pushing through because I had a clock off time. And even now I could push though it in normal circumstances, but this pandemic has taken so many opportunities from everyone and had such an impact on mental and emotional health. You really are isolated. I do feel better today though! So, will just keep on keeping on!

Edited by LotusBlack
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Posted (edited)
20 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am so sorry you were betrayed like that . Having someone give up their entire life for you and then say oops sorry but I don’t really love you and I am so afraid to be without your love and support is beyond the pale. It is gross. 
 

I hope you can pull your life back together quickly when you go back home. 

The good thing about how hurt and heart broken I was with my ex is that I eventually overcame it, so I know I can do it again because I’ve already done it before. I will be okay! 🙂 Time to let go of the past, all past hurts and move forward.

Edited by LotusBlack
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15 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know it seems like you'll never get to that finish line, but you will. 

Thank you for your positive words, Jibralta. 

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Your mind will keep wandering back to what should have been. None of it is easy but on the other hand, you have the sense to recognize that you deserve better (and you do).

Stay on course with the flight this month and think of life in Australia with your son. When things were too hard and the thoughts were overwhelming, I kept looking forwards, refusing to look back. Anger and resentment will hold you back and slow you down. Your son will need you more than ever in a new place. Keep writing if it helps. 

Would you consider therapy or counselling to help through the difficult time in Australia if it's offered or available/accessible? 

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Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Your mind will keep wandering back to what should have been. None of it is easy but on the other hand, you have the sense to recognize that you deserve better (and you do).

Stay on course with the flight this month and think of life in Australia with your son. When things were too hard and the thoughts were overwhelming, I kept looking forwards, refusing to look back. Anger and resentment will hold you back and slow you down. Your son will need you more than ever in a new place. Keep writing if it helps. 

Would you consider therapy or counselling to help through the difficult time in Australia if it's offered or available/accessible? 

Great advice! Oh yes, I will definitely start counseling. In fact, I was supposed to start last week but I found some things out about my counsellor prior to starting with him so will look for a new one. My husband and I were going to do it together. Not to repair our relationship but to move forward healthily for our son with good communication. I will pursue it on my own for the time being though.

Edited by LotusBlack
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It helps to be spoken to as a human and have someone listen for that purpose. Find ways to self-love, create positive self-talk. When the going gets rough, look at the glass half full. For every demolished, broken and painful outlook, there is always a silver lining. 

There's also something I learned along the way - as long as you yourself have made peace with your actions and decisions, what anyone else says or thinks doesn't matter. 

I also found acceptance and so much love and support from people I thought hardly knew, let alone accepted separation/divorce. You'll find new ways of thinking, loving, learning, living soon and will also be amazed at how people won't judge you. I grew a huge appreciation for people with that depth and understanding - those who are able to rise to that challenge and think outside the box and accept others who are not the same, have made mistakes or are growing in new ways. I demand that now in all friendships and connections and even acquaintances with people. If people don't have the ability to accept others of all walks, I walk

 

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You have your precious, wonderful son this time around.  I promise when you look at him all the anguish and heartbreak will diminish.

I have my wonderful kids and anytime I feel affected by a crisis I think of them or spend time with them and I remember life really is good.

Best wishes for a smooth transition to your new life with your son.

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Posted (edited)
58 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It helps to be spoken to as a human and have someone listen for that purpose. Find ways to self-love, create positive self-talk. When the going gets rough, look at the glass half full. For every demolished, broken and painful outlook, there is always a silver lining. 

There's also something I learned along the way - as long as you yourself have made peace with your actions and decisions, what anyone else says or thinks doesn't matter. 

I also found acceptance and so much love and support from people I thought hardly knew, let alone accepted separation/divorce. You'll find new ways of thinking, loving, learning, living soon and will also be amazed at how people won't judge you. I grew a huge appreciation for people with that depth and understanding - those who are able to rise to that challenge and think outside the box and accept others who are not the same, have made mistakes or are growing in new ways. I demand that now in all friendships and connections and even acquaintances with people. If people don't have the ability to accept others of all walks, I walk

 

You make some really good points and I think your mindset is a great one to adopt. When I felt really overwhelmed with my son and would get really angry, I found it hard to not resent him in those moments and to shut him out and push him away, which almost only ever happened when he fought naps after being up all night and just screaming for hours. I realised more recently that my anger dissipates immediately and I open right back up to him when in those moments, instead of looking at how I feel, I say to myself when I start to feel upset, “You’re his safe place”. And just like that, I become his mum again. No matter what happens, I will always be his safest place until he’s an adult and can navigate the world on his own. I will never take that away from him, which I sometimes used to do when I was struggling alone with him. 

If I keep that in mind, then I can face any challenge with him next to me. He will always be my most significant relationship, before any partner. 🙂

Edited by LotusBlack
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28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You have your precious, wonderful son this time around.  I promise when you look at him all the anguish and heartbreak will diminish.

I have my wonderful kids and anytime I feel affected by a crisis I think of them or spend time with them and I remember life really is good.

Best wishes for a smooth transition to your new life with your son.

Yes, I think you’re absolutely right. He’s amazing. A total little rat-bag, but my rat-bag. 

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54 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I realised more recently that my anger dissipates immediately and I open right back up to him when in those moments, instead of looking at how I feel, I say to myself when I start to feel upset, “You’re his safe place”. And just like that, I become his mum again. No matter what happens, I will always be his safest place until he’s an adult and can navigate the world on his own. I will never take that away from him, which I sometimes used to do when I was struggling alone with him. 

If I keep that in mind, then I can face any challenge with him next to me. He will always be my most significant relationship, before any partner. 🙂

My heart just melted. Yes, indeed! 💗

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