Boyfriend looks at ex’s Instagram everyday. Am I paranoid?

[Wandapanda]

9 minutes ago, rchubn said:

The girl he had before you? I'm sure that was his first attempt to fill his exs place. She was probably his first attempt to make his ex jealous. It was probably time consuming faking a relationship. This means instead of going through the long process of courting/dating a brand new woman, he found someone that already knew him...

 

I don’t think what he did/is doing is out of malice. I know he did care about the girl before me and was genuinely upset when that didn’t work out. 
I think it’s more that M was part of some very monumental years of his life socially, academically, and career-wise. So I can see him reminiscing the good years and being nostalgic for a woman he shared that time with

[rchubn]

1 minute ago, Wandapanda said:

I don’t think what he did/is doing is out of malice. I know he did care about the girl before me and was genuinely upset when that didn’t work out. 
I think it’s more that M was part of some very monumental years of his life socially, academically, and career-wise. So I can see him reminiscing the good years and being nostalgic for a woman he shared that time with

He might not be aware of what he's doing but what he's doing is very wrong and unhealthy. I see some unhealthy patterns. When people experience nostalgia its normally about moments. 

But this isn't "caring about her" I would say caring about her as a person would only require him to check in on her once or twice.

If he cared about her in a healthy way that doesn't risk you guys relationship, he'd be able to message her and have some kind of friendship with her. Her new partners wouldn't matter to him. He wouldn't be checking on her everyday trying to find the missing pieces. This sounds like a situation where he's on social media trying to get every drop of information about her current personal life available because he's not over her. 

I would be concerned. What's stopping him from starting friendships with this/these women? If he's in a happy relationship and he's moved on but he's curious about them/her he should able to message them and develop a friendship with them. The fact that he's looking at her life from the outside is concerning imo. He's obviously curious about her.

 

The fact that he hasn't just messaged her in a friendly way to spark a friendship makes me think that he wants to be more than friends, that he wants her in a slot that currently occupied so he's watching from the outside. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Wandapanda said:

I don’t think what he did/is doing is out of malice. I know he did care about the girl before me and was genuinely upset when that didn’t work out. 

No, but do you want to be with someone whose still holding the torch for someone?

[Hollyj]

1 hour ago, Wandapanda said:

I don’t think what he did/is doing is out of malice. I know he did care about the girl before me and was genuinely upset when that didn’t work out. 
I think it’s more that M was part of some very monumental years of his life socially, academically, and career-wise. So I can see him reminiscing the good years and being nostalgic for a woman he shared that time with

I think that you are in serious denial.  He is still in love with this woman.  Why is this okay for you?  You need to expect more from your relationships.

[Hollyj]

2 hours ago, Wandapanda said:

I’m scared because if the answer isn’t what I want to hear, I don’t think I can recover from it and would lose not just the 1 year relationship but the 10 years of friendship as well

I felt sad when I read this.  You would rather stay with some guy who is pining for someone else in fear of losing them from your life.  I would think it would be devaluing to hang onto some guy who loves another.  

[Lambert]

I think you are giving him too much credit.  1 for the dating relationship and for the friendship. 

You don't want to lose your boyfriend, you don't want to lose a friend.  

but it sounds like you are placeholder.  And if he really is hung up on the ex girlfriend, the relationship and the friendship as you see it, they actually don't exist that way.  

So while it while it may hurt like hell to find out the truth, you have to find out.

You deserve so much better than that.  Like really why contribute to his lie life.  Being hung up like this either means he is not an emotionally healthy and available guy for a healthy and happy relationship.  Or he is still pinning for something he does not have with you.  Which is not a dig against you.  

People don't always see things right.  You may be the best thing.  But he has to see it.  tolerating this BS will not help him see it either.  So you got that to deal with, too.  

The longer you wait, the more he will be able to say, you knew and you never said anything, so I didn't think you cared.  And that will be THE MIND EFF.

Put your foot down and your cards on the table now. It's not cool that he checks on her.  it's not cool that it's a secret.  It's not cool at all.  What is he doing with you??  Forget her.  Why isn't he thinking about you and your relationship and treating you with respect.  If he doesn't know, you should end it right there.  

[Hollyj]

9 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think you are giving him too much credit.  1 for the dating relationship and for the friendship. 

You don't want to lose your boyfriend, you don't want to lose a friend.  

but it sounds like you are placeholder.  And if he really is hung up on the ex girlfriend, the relationship and the friendship as you see it, they actually don't exist that way.  

So while it while it may hurt like hell to find out the truth, you have to find out.

You deserve so much better than that.  Like really why contribute to his lie life.  Being hung up like this either means he is not an emotionally healthy and available guy for a healthy and happy relationship.  Or he is still pinning for something he does not have with you.  Which is not a dig against you.  

People don't always see things right.  You may be the best thing.  But he has to see it.  tolerating this BS will not help him see it either.  So you got that to deal with, too.  

The longer you wait, the more he will be able to say, you knew and you never said anything, so I didn't think you cared.  And that will be THE MIND EFF.

Put your foot down and your cards on the table now. It's not cool that he checks on her.  it's not cool that it's a secret.  It's not cool at all.  What is he doing with you??  Forget her.  Why isn't he thinking about you and your relationship and treating you with respect.  If he doesn't know, you should end it right there.  

If she confronts him, he will not be honest about his feelings for his ex.  

[Lambert]

7 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

If she confronts him, he will not be honest about his feelings for his ex.  

Well, I think she has to confront him.  They are in a relationship.  If I were the Op, I think it has to start there.  He doesn't have much of defense anyway. 

It's creepy that their friend group, basically, did an intervention, on him, when he was obsessed with her in past.  It's a known problem.  That he has and it here is again.  

[Hollyj]

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Well, I think she has to confront him.  They are in a relationship.  If I were the Op, I think it has to start there.  He doesn't have much of defense anyway. 

It's creepy that their friend group, basically, did an intervention, on him, when he was obsessed with her in past.  It's a known problem.  That he has and it here is again.  

I think that she should never have gotten involved with this guy, I do not know why she would think she would be the exception, as this guy loves his ex.   The "intervention" is bizarre, and I do not understand how this could be attractive for anyone.  

I think she should end it, and give her reasons.  

[MissCanuck]

Confronting him is not going to change his feelings. It might make him smarter about hiding it, but that's about it. A confrontation is thus fairly pointless. He's hung up on her either way. 

OP, do you have any exes you still check up on daily? I would imagine you don't. Why? Becuase you probably don't care that much what they're up to. 

The same isn't true for him. He's still hanging on to her, whether he directly admits it or not. 

[rchubn]

You should also keep in mind that him still loving her does not mean you're not worth loving. There's a very high chance he had these feelings for this girl BEFORE he started dating you. 

This is one of those situations where you just get unlucky. You just happened to come across a guy that has unhealthy attachments with his past and now its messing with the balance in your relationship. 

Based on the reason of their break up (him being insecure about her giving him more of her time/texting back or whatever) he seems like a very insecure/immature individual who thought he'd break up with this girl hoping she'd crawl back but instead she found someone new and moved on with her life and now he's stalking her. Leave him in his own mess and find someone mentally available. 

[Wandapanda]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, do you have any exes you still check up on daily? I would imagine you don't. Why? Becuase you probably don't care that much what they're up to. 

The same isn't true for him. He's still hanging on to her, whether he directly admits it or not. 

I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because it’s not uncommon to be nostalgic and curious about past relationships 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Wandapanda said:

I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because it’s not uncommon to be nostalgic and curious about past relationships 

So can you put it out of your mind? Or are you going to continue to check his phone and social media activity? 

I can assure you, that is a terrible, stressful and demeaning way to live, always in fear of what you might find and of having him catch you snooping.

As someone else asked, how frequently do you check your exes' Instagram? Do you look daily? Weekly?

[lostandhurt]

Wanda,

There is no reason to end the relationship until you are ready and have talked this through with him.

For some reason you aren't enough and he feels the need to look at his ex's story and pics.  You will never know what you need to do until you ask him why you aren't enough.

Pose the question to him.   "___________, why am I not enough for you?"   He will reply that you are and then you ask the tough one  "Then why do you keep looking at your ex's story and pics?"  See what he says.

If he says it is harmless and he is just curious let him know it is not harmless to you.

Be brave and ask the question.  No problem can be fixed until the real root of it is discovered.  Treating symptoms is a waste of time and effort.

You can do this and you know it needs to be done.  If he truly cares about you he will want to know what he is doing is hurting you. 

Lost

 

[Hollyj]

2 hours ago, Wandapanda said:

I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because it’s not uncommon to be nostalgic and curious about past relationships 

Why would you do that to yourself?  This goes way beyond nostalgia, and you are well aware that he has been obsessed for years.  I cannot fathom why you would put yourself in this position.

[Hollyj]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Wanda,

There is no reason to end the relationship until you are ready and have talked this through with him.

For some reason you aren't enough and he feels the need to look at his ex's story and pics.  You will never know what you need to do until you ask him why you aren't enough.

Pose the question to him.   "___________, why am I not enough for you?"   He will reply that you are and then you ask the tough one  "Then why do you keep looking at your ex's story and pics?"  See what he says.

If he says it is harmless and he is just curious let him know it is not harmless to you.

Be brave and ask the question.  No problem can be fixed until the real root of it is discovered.  Treating symptoms is a waste of time and effort.

You can do this and you know it needs to be done.  If he truly cares about you he will want to know what he is doing is hurting you. 

Lost

 

But,  how does it change the fact the he is obsessed  with another woman. 

[lostandhurt]

12 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

But,  how does it change the fact the he is obsessed  with another woman. 

Wanda posted the question so I am trying to help her, not her bf.  For Wanda to accept that this is hurting her and not healthy she needs to hear his answers, not some strangers trying to convince her he is so hung up on his ex that she will never have his 100% attention.

Wanda,

If you ask the question or do not ask the question the answer is still the same.  Just asking doesn't change the answer but asking does give you information so you can decide what is best for you.  It may not be what you want to hear but knowing and hurting is better than living a lie. 

Knowing means moving forward

Best wishes

Lost

[Hollyj]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Wanda posted the question so I am trying to help her, not her bf.  For Wanda to accept that this is hurting her and not healthy she needs to hear his answers, not some strangers trying to convince her he is so hung up on his ex that she will never have his 100% attention.

Wanda,

If you ask the question or do not ask the question the answer is still the same.  Just asking doesn't change the answer but asking does give you information so you can decide what is best for you.  It may not be what you want to hear but knowing and hurting is better than living a lie. 

Knowing means moving forward

Best wishes

Lost

What would make you think he would be honest with her?

[Rose Mosse]

I think all this depends on age/experience/tolerance levels.. likely what you've already seen in the past and how situations usually play out. The dynamic in your relationship also counts.

You mentioned not wanting to look insecure and that's a scar to me (some compromised area) or a wound in a relationship that pre-exists even before this issue of Instagram ex. You basically don't feel comfortable enough talking about this issue in particular and I do have to wonder why. I'm not really interested in whether you do or not but I am interested in why you currently feel hesitant to approach the matter. 

I don't have much tolerance or patience for social media. I just had a chit chat on the phone with a friend the other day and he said we were so compatible and listed his reasons why and I told him we are not. We have known each other for awhile so the conversation was more comical than serious. He's big into "socials" and there was a debate about that. I can't get onboard with it. To each their own. 

So regardless of what you choose to do, please listen to your instincts. It's usually already guiding you in the right direction and it's not just for this situation.. but think of your existing dynamics in the relationship too.

 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Wandapanda said:

I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because it’s not uncommon to be nostalgic and curious about past relationships 

Oh, girl. 

Don't start doing mental gymnastics with yourself trying to rationalize his attachment to her. You know this is not just curiosity or nostalgia. 

[smackie9]

Ya it's one thing to take a quick look and be done with it, but to be caught checking almost daily is another. He's emotionally stepping out, escaping by getting his daily does of her.

[Jibralta]

On 4/3/2021 at 2:55 PM, Wandapanda said:

I don’t think what he did/is doing is out of malice.

It doesn't matter, though. It's still hurting you, whether it's malice or thoughtlessness. On some level, he knows this.

[Pleasedonot5]

On 4/3/2021 at 10:11 PM, Wandapanda said:

I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because it’s not uncommon to be nostalgic and curious about past relationships 

My initial feeling is to trust your gut. You are right, people who have made an impression on our hearts will stay there as scar tissue: an occasionally uncomfortable reminder of what was. 

I can think of several supportable reasons for his behavior based on what you described on this thread:

1. He has unresolved hurt from losing her or the place she occupied for him emotionally during the break-up. I.e., he still has unresolved feelings.
2. He is curious about her.
3. He is fixated on the idea that she may be trying to spite him somehow. This may go hand-in-hand with some weird power dynamic - perhaps in his mind she slighted him, or showed that she was better somehow, and he isn't over the blow to the pride.

Others here jump to #1 (I think that and/or #3 is probably right), and you, pushing back in defense, advocate for #2, which would reflect best on him and on your relationship. I think that many of us see #1 shows that your suspicions are valid, but that you rush to his defense shows that you value and respect your guy and the relationship. You are a good girlfriend. 

This advice may be unconventional, but I am wondering if you could just sit down with him and heart-to-heart talk to him about what is going on. Do not be afraid to find the answer. If you did so, and he confessed that there is unresolved hurt, how would you react? Would your gut reaction be to break up, to lend an ear? Perhaps that feeling in your gut may help guide what you do next...

[Cheetarah]

There used to be someone I would check on social media.  It became like a habit.  I don’t think I was even looking towards the end.  It was part of my check your email, check your bank account routine.  I had to actively make an effort to stop.  
 

For me, I did not have romantic feelings for him BUT I did have unresolved stuff about that period of my life and the way things went down.  
 

is he hung up?  Yes.  It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s holding a candle to her.  But he’s hung up, for some reason.  And whatever the reason is, it’s interfering with his ability to be fully present in a relationship with you.  
 

So any way you look at it...you’re not getting his 100%.  

 

[Wandapanda]

17 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

This advice may be unconventional, but I am wondering if you could just sit down with him and heart-to-heart talk to him about what is going on. Do not be afraid to find the answer. If you did so, and he confessed that there is unresolved hurt, how would you react? Would your gut reaction be to break up, to lend an ear? Perhaps that feeling in your gut may help guide what you do next...

I think that given my friendship with him, I’d feel the need to be there for him as he works through this like in the past. But I also think I’d be doing myself a disservice. The thought of having to listen to my boyfriend talk about his feelings for someone else sounds a bit cruel. Though that might make it easier to walk away from this relationship if it came to that