Jump to content

Wife not hands on with our child


Recommended Posts

Hello

im new to the site but have been lurking and following for quite some time. 
 

my wife and I have been married for 6 years now. We’ve had our ups and downs (who hasn’t). Anyway, we have a 2.5 year old son. I take him soccer, swimming, bathe him and read to him without fail daily. he’s at kindergarten 3 days a week. 
My wife, however, doesn’t seem to do much with him. It’s like I almost have to prompt her each time to read to him, take him In the garden or go for walks etc. When I asked, Her comeback is “I cook meals for him, which is a difficult job?” I just don’t think that’s enough, I don’t say I pay the mortgage and put a roof over his head or cover the kindergarten fees/household bills etc. I just find it bizarre that a mother would rather sit on Instagram than interact with her child. Does anyone have any thoughts?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you show any interest in her life? Instead of prompting her what to do, reconnect with her one on one. Both of you sound like you are missing that thing in the middle, your romance, your relationship, knowing what the other is doing, what their likes/dislikes/interests are. Unfortunately it seems she's avoiding her son the way you avoid her or the way she avoids you... as people. 

What about spending more one on one time together as a couple, take her out to dinner or go out as a family?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Aww that's sad that she seems so limited with him 😞 .

Usually a mother has a good bond with her child(ren).

 Has she been like this since your child was born?

Is she an only child?  Were her parents good/supportive?

I wasn't too big with reading to my kids and they had siblings, which helped them keep busy 'together', but we did do walks/ park visits, fall fairs and and 2 were in soccer..plus the normal shopping, etc.

As mentioned, maybe try things as a family unit and try a 'date night'.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry but I think you are completely off base with your attitude toward your wife and bordering dangerously close to toxic.

You are doing a few things with your kid that are...well...normal things fathers typically do like taking jr to sports. It's not exactly the sort of stuff that will get you nominated for father of the year. Most what you do is surface fun.

Meanwhile your wife is running all day after a 2 year old - cooking, cleaning, changing clothes, ensuring he has what he needs, talking to him, teaching him basic things, cleaning up after him, etc, etc, etc. All the not so fun stuff. So YES, when you are home and finally able to relieve her from that briefly she is well within her rights to take that time to herself and tune out and relax a bit. That doesn't make her a bad mother or in any way detached or not doing enough.

What's concerning is that you seem to have very little to no respect for your wife and what she actually does and deals with. Even very little understanding what her days are like and what she is dealing with while you are not around. As others already pointed out, you need to find a way to reconnect as two adults and as a couple and I don't just mean romance, but basic respect for what each of you brings to the table and how.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Sorry but I think you are completely off base with your attitude toward your wife and bordering dangerously close to toxic.

You are doing a few things with your kid that are...well...normal things fathers typically do like taking jr to sports. It's not exactly the sort of stuff that will get you nominated for father of the year. Most what you do is surface fun.

Meanwhile your wife is running all day after a 2 year old - cooking, cleaning, changing clothes, ensuring he has what he needs, talking to him, teaching him basic things, cleaning up after him, etc, etc, etc. All the not so fun stuff. So YES, when you are home and finally able to relieve her from that briefly she is well within her rights to take that time to herself and tune out and relax a bit. That doesn't make her a bad mother or in any way detached or not doing enough.

What's concerning is that you seem to have very little to no respect for your wife and what she actually does and deals with. Even very little understanding what her days are like and what she is dealing with while you are not around. As others already pointed out, you need to find a way to reconnect as two adults and as a couple and I don't just mean romance, but basic respect for what each of you brings to the table and how.

Since the pandemic I am working from home. When my son spends most of his time in my office even during conference calls because my wife is on Instagram or fallen asleep on the sofa because she’s been on  the phone all night looking at others people’s lives

I should have also made it clear that I cover all the bills and expenses, I also clean the house mainly the three restrooms and kitchen; I have an ocd I may add. 

 

Edited by CityMan35
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What do you do together as a family?

We do things but involves spending money - we have a large wooded area near us where jr and I take regular daily walks, exploring etc 

but she has no interest at all

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Did she ever bond with your son when he was a baby?  Is this a new development or has it been like this for a while and now that you are working from home you see it?

Did your wife's mother or your mother have to help out a lot when your son was first born?

Lost

Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Did she ever bond with your son when he was a baby?  Is this a new development or has it been like this for a while and now that you are working from home you see it?

Did your wife's mother or your mother have to help out a lot when your son was first born?

Lost

 


My wife has a great bond with him, I just think jr comes second to her phone. For example, she’ll sit on her phone on Instagram at night until way past midnight because she says she can’t sleep. Then when jr is awake, I have to take him downstairs so she can sleep until the late morning after which she sat in her pjs all day. For that period I bathe him, feed him and entertain him with walks. I don’t want a father of the year award, I just want to understand if this is normal. 

 

She was at home with for the first 12 months when she gave up work. My mother in law did help for the first three months after he was born - I was commuting three hours to work at the time until I found a new job to be at home more with them both. 

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, CityMan35 said:

Since the pandemic I am working from home. 

When did this phone and insomnia issue begin? 

Does she work out of the home? What do you do when your child is in childcare?

The problem of course isn't IG, it's your marriage.

Have you even spoken about any of this? Have you suggested marriage therapy to at least get a dialogue started?

You seem annoyed at her phone usage but the issue appears to be a complete lack of connection and communication.

Perhaps she communicates with these social media people because you're so checked out and angry.

When you stop obsessing about the phone, you may get some insight into why you are both so checked out from each other.

The phone/social media thing is a symptom of a much larger problem.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, CityMan35 said:

 


My wife has a great bond with him, I just think jr comes second to her phone. For example, she’ll sit on her phone on Instagram at night until way past midnight because she says she can’t sleep. Then when jr is awake, I have to take him downstairs so she can sleep until the late morning after which she sat in her pjs all day. For that period I bathe him, feed him and entertain him with walks. I don’t want a father of the year award, I just want to understand if this is normal. 

 

She was at home with for the first 12 months when she gave up work. My mother in law did help for the first three months after he was born - I was commuting three hours to work at the time until I found a new job to be at home more with them both. 

I think a great bond pales in comparison to what is actually hands on with kids -kids aren't into the abstract - I mean my son internalizes that I love him to the moon and back but it's the hands on boots on the ground stuff that matters more IMHO.

You mean she gave up her outside job to take on the work of parenting? Please please be careful about your mindset.  Here is my input - I was home full time the first 7 years.  Wanted to go back to outside work at 5.5 years, took me a long time (and had to stop looking for around 6 months because of our parents' illnesses and passing) and went back part time when he started second grade. 

By the way -when he was in preschool (4 hours a day/5 days a week), pre-k (6 hours a day/five days a week) and then regular school I was massively busy during the days -no family help at all from grandparents because of geography, age, disabilities -in fact we took care of them -mostly my husband traveling back and forth while I solo parented.  Yes, part of what I did when he was in school was look for work - interviews, resume, networking, job applications.  but yes massively busy - please don't think those parents have time to work just because they have a 4 hour block of time (given drop off and pick up, etc)

Anyway- yes I bonded with him right away.  Yes I interacted with him tons - yes so did my husband.  But more on my end simply because of course my husband worked more than full time -who can blame the parent who physically cannot be there as much.  But -- my husband strongly encouraged me to hire a cleaning service weekly (I did it biweekly for my own reasons), my husband put no pressure on me -nor did I pressure myself -to spend tons of time cooking.  Yes I cooked, prepared, all of that - but no I wasn't this Norman Rockwell/leave it to beaver making my own baby food and growing vegetables and doing the weeks crockpot cooking on a Sunday.  Why? Because I saw my full time parent role as....  being with my son.  As much as possible.

I was not there to be housewife/cook/cleaner . I did all of those things -for hours and hours -but since I didn't see my role that way I was perfectly fine outsourcing - cleaning service, prepared foods, my husband ate business dinner leftovers (I mean the best food ever for him -steak, seafood ,etc). 

I didn't try to do big family dinners nor did he expect it.  Also -didn't have a smartphone till he was 6.  Had a flip phone.  Used it when he napped or when he was in the stroller and we were walking back from an errand.  Yes I was on my computer while he played independently.  INdependent play is excellent for kids -to learn to entertain themselves and not with screens - he watched some TV but he played with:  board books, blocks, balls, trucks, cars, later his train table, puzzles.  And I took him to story time and the museum play room and the museum and the playground and park every day I possibly could.  Talked to him and with him all day long.  And yes my kid loved being in his playpen for a long time with his toys as well. 

I have seen many many parents glued to their phones -I know how tempting it is once I got a smart phone - I think it's sad and yes I think parents owe it to their kids to kick the habit -meaning put the darn phone down when you're interacting.  In fact I think it's fine for a child to see his mom reading a magazine or editing a document with a pen on a park bench (I used to do both) -for some reason it's not sending the same negative message of "don't bother me" - I've experienced this personally on both ends- if someone is reading a book or magazine they may be engrossed but it feels comfortable for the child to "disturb" or  try to get attention.  Also I liked that he saw me reading and sometimes I'd show him what I was reading.  

Your wife is probably exhausted and overwhelmed.  I've made some suggestions above about potential outsourcing of non-kid activities and see if she's willing to put boundaries on her incessant IG and social media/phone time.  Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No this is not healthy but I hate to say it isn't normal because it is becoming the new normal where people (not just parents) are using social media as an escape from their real lives.

 An addiction is defined as something that has a negative affect on your life.  It becomes the most important thing to them and everything else comes second to getting what they NEED.  Most people think hard drugs when you say addiction but anyone can become addicted to anything.  Food, sex, TV, video games...

I don't think she is addicted to instagram but it is having a very negative affect on her life where she is ignoring your son and now has an abnormal sleep pattern.  

She is escaping through instagram.  Why do you think?  Who does she follow?  What are the common themes?

Either way you are right to be concerned.  She may be depressed, lonely, fantasizing about other men or a different life. 

When you go for walks do you invite her to come along?  Breaking her free of her phone will not be easy and your son shouldn't lose his mother to it for sure.

Lost

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, CityMan35 said:

 


My wife has a great bond with him, I just think jr comes second to her phone. For example, she’ll sit on her phone on Instagram at night until way past midnight because she says she can’t sleep. Then when jr is awake, I have to take him downstairs so she can sleep until the late morning after which she sat in her pjs all day. For that period I bathe him, feed him and entertain him with walks. I don’t want a father of the year award, I just want to understand if this is normal. 

 

She was at home with for the first 12 months when she gave up work. My mother in law did help for the first three months after he was born - I was commuting three hours to work at the time until I found a new job to be at home more with them both. 

I don't think this is normal, no. Your first step is to talk to her, have a conversation that doesn't involve doing things around the house or with your son. It sounds like she has checked out and is disinterested. If you resent her and can't stand being alone with her either.. there's probably a good reason why she doesn't want to have anything to do with you, at the expense of spending time with her son. 

You mention not caring if you have father of the year award but they're all combined and connected - being a father and husband. Has your marriage always been disconnected this way? 

Edited by Rose Mosse
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

i am sad to see people so quickly to blame the husband. sometimes spouses are just crap. selfish and lazy. no matter how the connection is. so much psychobabble, and somehow suggesting its husband fault? sure itmight just be, but maybe just maybe his wife is immature and disconnected for her own disappointing reasons.

 

 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You said you’re OCD. Might your behaviour have had a negative impact on your wife to the point that she doesn’t want to engage with you and seeks to avoid you? Are you a perfectionist? It feels like there’s something missing here. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, Jambalaya421 said:

i am sad to see people so quickly to blame the husband. sometimes spouses are just crap. selfish and lazy. no matter how the connection is. so much psychobabble, and somehow suggesting its husband fault? sure itmight just be, but maybe just maybe his wife is immature and disconnected for her own disappointing reasons.

 

Not all the responses flipped the blame on him.  I think it's hard in a forum like this, to give advice to the person asking when we know all he can control is himself. 

I think it makes more sense at times to give advice that is for the person to work on (instead of trying to, "fix," or change their spouse which rarely works).  He can only try to support her and get her help, but even that has to be done carefully.

Personally, I think the wife has something wrong, as this is not normal, and she's neglecting her son.  She is harming him and their marriage, why other people can't see that, I don't know?  But I definitely see it that way.  Even if she's clinically depressed, its up to her to go get help so that she's not harming her son psychologically.  It's not her husband's responsibility to, "fix," her... he can be supportive and loving, but he's in a bad situation.

In my opinion, the OP sounds like a good father and very hands on and available, helping her daily with tasks etc. and getting almost nothing in return.  I may be wrong, but from what he said, that's what it looks like. 

It also sounds like she's not valuing him and his help/care with their child... he's not getting a thank you, or any kind of visible sign of appreciation. 

In marriage, it's nice when couples treat each other with good manners, thanking each other for meals cooked, or help with childcare, etc.  It just makes it more loving and a better, healthy atmosphere 🙂  I could be wrong, but she sounds extremely disconnected and disinterested... and that leaks out to how she's treating her husband (neglecting, dismissive, etc.) but that's my point of view. 🤷‍♀️

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe to put it more into perspective... I remember a few years ago, it seemed that OB-Gyn's started trying to get pregnant women to take depression more seriously, because of how damaging it is to the newborn's psyche and mental development. 

They released a study that showed a depressed mom dramatically affected her children in a myriad of negative ways, just by being depressed.  It was horrifying in that she's largely unaware of that impact, and of course it's up to that woman to take her mental health seriously.  The husband's hands are largely tied (he can't force her to get help... ).

For the OP... being supportive and gently trying to help her see her behavior isn't normal, may help.  Try being kind, not blaming etc. but more coming from a place of concern.  Try to figure out what is wrong.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cityman,

The fact that you came here shows that you are concerned and are looking for advice and help.  I don't see you as the bad guy here trying to lay blame or put your wife down, I see concern for a pretty serious swing in behavior than she used to exhibit.

 Stick close to your son so he has one parent that is all in for him while you look for clues on what has changed that took your wife down this path. 

My gut reaction is depression but obviously none of us can diagnose anyone.  Have you spoken to her mother, sister about this?  It could backfire and make her mad at you but sometimes you have to take the risk.  Maybe she has confided in one of them. 

 Keep posting

Lost

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I see it as a blend of things. It's not going to resolve itself on its own while the two parents remain at opposite ends of the room or aren't able to communicate together however.

If he's able to speak with her, that's a good step. If he doesn't want to or prefers not to, that's his choice as well. 

I don't think that there's anything ok or normal about the way his wife is behaving and that level of ignoring someone and disconnect would be very hurtful and damaging for any spouse or family member, even confusing. I don't think it's fair to isolate the wife as having mental health issues just as it isn't fair to isolate the OP saying he's a bad husband exclusively. That would be way too easy. It doesn't work that way. The saddest part is that the one that suffers the most is the child. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 4/2/2021 at 4:14 PM, CityMan35 said:

No she works 3 days a week. Hence why our son is in kindergarten. Not sure about the affairs..

It's concerning that you have doubts about her faithfulness. There is more going on here than your wife not being hands on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Polarity Secrets to Attracting Love that Makes you Magnetic AF
      In this video, I'm going to show you the 5 most powerful ways to create polarity in order to attract love. Think of it like a magnet. If you have a magnet, it is going to attract, but also repel based on its polarity. If you have a positive and a positive and you put them together, guess what's gonna happen? They're going to repel each other. Same with a negative and negative. But when you have a positive and a negative, they clink right like this. The key to attracting love is embodying your own sense of polarity, which really is the authenticity of who you really are, letting go of what you are not so that you can attract love easier than ever. These are things that completely transformed my own life.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 10 Signs You Are Fake Happy
      Are you happy, or are you putting on a fake smile? Fake happiness can be hard to detect, but if you know the signs you can spot it.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Do You Gaslight Yourself?
      Do You Gaslight Yourself?
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...