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My partner sees me in a negative light


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We have had our issues in the past and I've been working on myself and going to therapy to improve. My boyfriend is still hung up on the past which is okay to take time to heal but because of it he sometimes gets a "negative vibe" from me. Even when I'm not trying to show anger he still thinks im angry. It's at the point where he is so cautious inthe mornings that he's cold towards me and really doesn't care. It makes me upset when he does this because it just creates negativity when there is usually none to begin with. It makes me feel hated that my own existence is just a problem. I've asked him countless times and reassured him that in the mornings I'm just tired and not really focusing on how I sound until I'm fully awake. And I've made so many improvements to myself and my previous anger issues. When I tell him how it makes me feel he gets upset and says that he hates it when i say things like that even when I approach him calmly. I'll admit today I was at my wits end and kinda said it more forcefully but I'm tired of feeling hated. I'm tired of not feeling special, honestly I feel like im just a good utility for him to keep. When he wants me I'm there but when he's done it's like I don't even cross his mind. I try to do a lot for him to make him feel special like I cook his favorite meals or I'll buy takeout. Sometimes when I go shopping for groceries I'll bring him back a snack or candy he likes. He doesn't really leave the apartment so he doesn't do those things for me and he doesn't cook unless I ask. I've asked him to always kiss me in the morning if he's not hung up on some deadline or to send me a cute text when I'm at work or write a note but he doesn't unless I ask or remind him. He has told me that he doesn't kiss me in the morning because of that cautiousness I mentioned before but I've communicated to him that I would always like a kiss and that it would make me feel really good. He didn't listen I guess and just usually says good morning and doesn't even look at me and carries on until I ask for a hug and kiss. Maybe I am asking for a lot, I'm not too sure. He feels he isn't good enough when I bring these issues up but I reassure him that I just want to feel special sometimes. Maybe im.not being understanding enough. The issues of the past have been addressed and resolved at least to my understanding for about a year now. The issues were anger issues that come from my traumatic upbringing which he knows about. I went to therapy and I control my emotions in a better and healthier way. We have been together for over a year and I usually take care of most things because my partner sleeps all day, plays games when he's awake, and does online school when he has to, other than that I'm usually on my own and when we spend time together it's just watching TV that he likes. 

Edited by Nicole080
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How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? Does he work from home? Stop mothering him this much. Let him look after himself. Pull back and invest in yourself more. Reconsider if you two should live together.

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Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? Does he work from home? Stop mothering him this much. Let him look after himself. Pull back and invest in yourself more. Reconsider if you two should live together.

We have been together for over a year and I usually take care of most things because my partner sleeps all day, plays games when he's awake, and does online school when he has to, other than that I'm usually on my own and when we spend time together it's just watching TV that he likes. I even wake him up when he has a class because he has a hard time waking up on his own. 

Edited by Nicole080
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Read back to yourself what you wrote here.....

I'm really at a loss as to why you are still with him. The relationship isn't working for you at all. You are getting nothing out of this except a chore of mothering this guy while he gives nothing back to you.

When a guy doesn't treat you right, you don't cook him dinner, you put him out with the trash and lock and bolt the door so he doesn't crawl back in and stink up your life some more.

Raise your standards OP. It's not that you expect too much, it's that you are expecting it from the kind of a person who isn't capable of giving you what you want or need. End the madness please.

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I say this with kindness - you sound miserable. I wonder if all of this is pure dysfunction in the way you both communicate or if it's combined with a great deal of resentment that has never gone away because of past issues/anger or reactions that he just can't forgive you for in the past. 

It sounds like both of you are going around in circles and getting more and more resentful, miserable and upset with each other and walking on eggshells. 

If you'd both like to reset it has to be in tandem together and that means working together to completely restart and engage with one another. That takes so much effort and always easier said than done.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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4 hours ago, Nicole080 said:

My boyfriend is still hung up on the past which is okay to take time to heal but because of it he sometimes gets a "negative vibe" from me. Even when I'm not trying to show anger he still thinks im angry.

- He has been affected in a negative.. hard to improve with this, I guess.

 

4 hours ago, Nicole080 said:

I've made so many improvements to myself and my previous anger issues. When I tell him how it makes me feel he gets upset and says that he hates it when i say things like that even when I approach him calmly. I'll admit today I was at my wits end and kinda said it more forcefully but I'm tired of feeling hated. I'm tired of not feeling special,

- It's his defenses kicking in.

You two are just not getting along anymore. 😕 

 

4 hours ago, Nicole080 said:

The issues of the past have been addressed and resolved at least to my understanding for about a year now. The issues were anger issues that come from my traumatic upbringing

- from your side, yes, but has caused issue;s with him.

Sadly, does not sound like you two are doing well together.

His responses are affecting you now, which is dragging you down.

is best to move on now, you agree?

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16 hours ago, Nicole080 said:

We have been together for over a year and I usually take care of most things because my partner sleeps all day, plays games when he's awake, and does online school when he has to, other than that I'm usually on my own and when we spend time together it's just watching TV that he likes. I even wake him up when he has a class because he has a hard time waking up on his own. 

Why are you mothering him?

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