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Friend posts on FB about mother's passing


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Well I think if you were already having issues with this friend before and you don't feel it's going to work, then it is what it is. You don't have to try to force a friendship if it's run its course. I think though that you can't make her mother's death all about you and you still should be compassionate that her mother died. Not because you're still best friends but because you're a nice person and you just feel sympathy for other people. Keep in mind also that when you say to people or they say to you: "I'm here for you if you want to talk", that is not an obligation. You or them can confide in the other person if they want to and feel ready to do so. It doesn't mean they HAVE to come to you. They know you're there if they need you so why push it? It's not about you, it's about them and what they're going through.

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LoreliFinn,

In the past, I too was conflicted whether to retain or release certain people from my life whether they were friends and I would go so far as to say I include some relatives and in-laws as well.

Whenever common courtesy and common decency are lacking, friendships (or relationships) will inevitably falter and flounder.  This is with everyone.  There is an unbalance where one person is the kind and nice one while the other person is all too often habitually brusque.  I'm with you, I'm not fond of ungracious behavior especially when it is repetitive because it feels as if you're trying so hard to be accommodating and "understanding" all the time while you're the perpetual verbal or written punching bag.  It gets old really fast.  No one enjoys feeling unappreciated. 

In some cases, should you broach uncomfortable topics, here comes the gaslighting tactic yet again.  Same old tune. ☹️

All dynamics require common sense respect and when you don't get it, enthusiasm to keep the friendship afloat fades away quickly. 

In your case, both of you don't have anything in common so both of you cannot relate.  The best part of parting ways is accepting this fact so you can feel numb and walk away.  Emotional pull no longer has a grip on you anymore. 

All you can do is offer your condolences for graciousness sake without expecting any reply in return which you've commendably had done already.  You did the right thing and there's nothing more you can do.

Friendships end for a reason.  It wasn't meant to be.  If it was meant to endure, both parties would've sincerely done whatever it took to make it work.  There was no chemistry, nothing relatable, nothing in common, no consistent GRACIOUS behavior and then to top it off, you received uncalled for rudeness. 

I even have a few relatives and in-laws whom I've since written off years ago.  I'm peace inducing and well mannered albeit permanently safely distant. 

Always enforce healthy boundaries with others whether it's just merely remaining civil, polite, respectful, well mannered and safely distant or estrangement.  Estrangement is a form of strong, enforced boundaries which is perfectly acceptable. 

Edited by Cherylyn
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I reached out to her, yes, and said I was sorry for her loss; there was a modicum of compassion here.  I should have had more but I didn't feel it.   My heart went a little cold for her starting last year. She regularly criticized my appearance and clouted almost all my choices in life.  Things like yoga, meditation, health foods, poetry. Comments abounded how these things were flakey and only doctors know what's best. Goes to the point we were not at all compatible.  Why did I start this relationship then?  We used to work at a library together and talked about novels.   She kept in touch for car rides, that's it.

Bad on me for staying in this friendship this long, I kick myself heartily. I am working on setting boundaries and making better choices.  I have other friends but this one drained me to the bone.

 

 

 

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58 minutes ago, LoreliFinn said:

I reached out to her, yes, and said I was sorry for her loss; there was a modicum of compassion here.  I should have had more but I didn't feel it.   My heart went a little cold for her starting last year. She regularly criticized my appearance and clouted almost all my choices in life.  Things like yoga, meditation, health foods, poetry. Comments abounded how these things were flakey and only doctors know what's best. Goes to the point we were not at all compatible.  Why did I start this relationship then?  We used to work at a library together and talked about novels.   She kept in touch for car rides, that's it.

Bad on me for staying in this friendship this long, I kick myself heartily. I am working on setting boundaries and making better choices.  I have other friends but this one drained me to the bone.

 

 

 

This is where folks get confused: "We never had a fight or even a disagreement that would cause her to be so cold."  Plus, you said she had been a close friend for 5 years.  You are all over the place.

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2 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

I reached out to her, yes, and said I was sorry for her loss; there was a modicum of compassion here.  I should have had more but I didn't feel it.   My heart went a little cold for her starting last year. She regularly criticized my appearance and clouted almost all my choices in life.  Things like yoga, meditation, health foods, poetry. Comments abounded how these things were flakey and only doctors know what's best. Goes to the point we were not at all compatible.  Why did I start this relationship then?  We used to work at a library together and talked about novels.   She kept in touch for car rides, that's it.

Bad on me for staying in this friendship this long, I kick myself heartily. I am working on setting boundaries and making better choices.  I have other friends but this one drained me to the bone.

 

 

 

I understand that you didn't feel overly compassionate given that your friendship with her was weakened from rudeness and hard feelings.  She was critical of you and what stood out was she kept in touch for rides.  She used you as her chauffeur even before her mother died.  I've had people take advantage of my naive kindness and generosity in the past, too.

Try not to regret remaining in the friendship too long.  It's in the past and what's done is done.  Keep moving forward. 

Avoid "energy vampires."  Google "energy vampires."  They are indeed quite draining. 

Start anew and smart of you to make wise choices and enforce healthy boundaries.  Live and learn.

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2 hours ago, Hollyj said:

This is where folks get confused: "We never had a fight or even a disagreement that would cause her to be so cold."  Plus, you said she had been a close friend for 5 years.  You are all over the place.

I agree. 

It sounds like you were more or less fine with this lopsided friendship until now. What is that about?

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Why not do a review of your social media? Clean out all the dead weight.

Reset all your privacy settings so only people who you know can view your content or message you.

You were right to say no to the airport thing. There's Uber, family and friends for that.

This seems like an acquaintance, so keep it that way. Move people to the acquaintance pile when you outgrow them as friends.

 

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So for me when there's a loss like that and the friendship has faded or been rocky I think about the times she's been there for me and/or her family.  I have a friend I've known now for about 8 years and she's really needy lately and it's getting on my nerves.  But she's been there for me many times in the past -gave my son and I a ride in 5 degree weather to his pre-k so I could get a couple of hours to myself when my husband was away, drove us home from his camp when my husband was in a fender bender on his way to pick him up, had me to her home, introduced me to her friends, took me to movies, etc -very giving in the past.  So when I get irritated now I remind myself of this. And try to make myself available.  And if heaven forbid something happened to her mom and I  could lessen the burden in some way I would do that even if I felt annoyed or irritated. 

 

I am worried that the balance will remain this way -she's become difficult in the past year having gone through several crises including a death - but I'm going to stay the course given how she's been there for me.  To me the past matters a lot when it comes to someone in a crisis situation like a death.  Less so if it's not.  It's not a science but to me a loss like that takes priority over hurt feelings/ego.  No you didn't have to travel four hours and I'm surprised she would ask that of you even in that state of mind - but if you weren't going to do anything else like go visit or make a donation etc I might have considered that.  

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The death of a loved one is not the time to take the pulse of a friendship.

If you were her good friend before this, now would be the time to step up and overlook however she's responding as no reflection on her or her feelings toward you.

If you were NOT good friends before this, then personalizing her responses to you makes no sense.

When it comes to someone else's grief over a death, it is NEVER about 'ME'.

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On 4/1/2021 at 8:58 PM, LoreliFinn said:

I reached out to her, yes, and said I was sorry for her loss; there was a modicum of compassion here.  I should have had more but I didn't feel it.   My heart went a little cold for her starting last year. She regularly criticized my appearance and clouted almost all my choices in life.  Things like yoga, meditation, health foods, poetry. Comments abounded how these things were flakey and only doctors know what's best. Goes to the point we were not at all compatible.  Why did I start this relationship then?  We used to work at a library together and talked about novels.   She kept in touch for car rides, that's it.

Bad on me for staying in this friendship this long, I kick myself heartily. I am working on setting boundaries and making better choices.  I have other friends but this one drained me to the bone.

If that's the case I second the comment about passing on giving her a ride. You weren't "friends" to start off with, only ex-coworkers who were acquaintances. There really was no reciprocity here or not enough of it so why she would ask you for a ride in the first place is confusing. 

People use the term "friends" lightly and sometimes it's used to refer to people we know or talk to occasionally about personal issues.

Other times, friends are more than that and are people we can lean on in times of need or for support or to just spend extra time with. Some friends are even chosen family and the ones we turn to if we were to have family still around. It sounds like she was more of the garden variety and an acquaintance. 

Yes, do make better choices and don't waste your time on these kinds of people any longer. Avoid the social media buzz. Ignore all of that and move on with your life. Better and brighter out there.

 

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Batya33.  You have a very compassionate heart 💓.  That is wonderful.  Remembering how a person was there for you in the past brings out that compassion.  In my case, she used to be there for me years ago but it stopped.  I'm not a doctor and cannot diagnosis.  Either I didn't know her that well or something happened emotionally for her.  Last year predominantly things changed.  We were shopping together and I noticed she snuck out the back door and didn't pay for an item.  She disappeared and later I found her outside at the back of the building, instead of our front where you would be waiting if she had paid for it with the cashier.  I asked her if she paid for it & what was she doing at the back of building.  She said she had to make a call (??) and didn't own up to it.  After that, I wondered who the heck this person was.  She rarely expressed deeper feelings except I believe to manipulate into feeling sorry for her.  I did look back.  She was there years ago when I had a job loss.  Things changed over the past 2 years.

Rose Moss.  Good point worth examining.  It was more of an acquaintance than friends.  She needed help with things but I never gave money, just my time and car rides.  Come to think of it, yes gas, insurance, car loan all costs money.  We would talk, go for coffee and outings so it looked like a friendship.  We do tend to throw that term around lightly.  A true friend doesn't only hit you up for favors, criticize your clothes or make up, or habits.  She did all of that.  I felt something off last year especially but hung in there to be supportive.  It should be a two way street don't you think?  Friend being supportive of you at times.

There is support for her in the community.  Prescriptions, groceries can be delivered and volunteer organizations offer to pick up and drive people to appointments.  I mentioned this to her once on the few occasions when I wasn't able to help.  She said it was too much of a bother and she liked being able to text me the day before and get a ride.  I suspect the "path of least resistance" is the reason.

 

 

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I remember favors, kindness extended to me and my family and goodwill from friends and extended relatives.  By the same token, I've done a heck of a lot for them as well and even more so now that I think about it.  Nonetheless, memories of past kindness bestowed upon me is not good enough and will not compensate for the fact that some people are not consistently kind, considerate nor currently respectful towards me as of late.  At this point, their rude behaviors outweigh any fond memories I have of them.  I can easily drift apart because they've dared to cross the line with me by treating me with disrespect. 

In the past, I felt guilty for letting some friends (or relatives and in-laws) go due to feelings of indebtedness to some people or feeling beholden to them.  I don't anymore because at the end of the day, it still matters for me to be treated with respect, dignity and common sense good manners. 

I don't buy into "foibles" either.  Forget that.  I have self control, I'm not impulsive and I'm very careful with my words whether verbal and written.  I expect the same effort and courtesy and if I don't get it, I walk.

As time marches on, I no longer dwell on what good a person did for me if that goodness is not reflective of their recent and current behavior.  I start to pull away, drift apart and fade away very easily.  It's my way of protecting myself.  I don't trust people who take advantage, people who are unkind and disrespectful no matter how good they were to me or my family in the past. 

LoreliFinn ~ Your friend is a thief and you are her unpaid chauffeur.  She criticizes your clothes, makeup and habits.  She texts you the day before to get a ride.  Politely decline and plan your exit to permanently go your separate ways.  Your friend is not a decent human being. 

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