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Am I not committed enough?


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Hi all

so basically I’ve been with a girl for 9 months, and it’s been going well. We see each other mainly on weekends due to work commitments and both living at home still. I’m 26 and she is 23. 
 

A few days ago, my girlfriend started saying she knows she wants to be with me forever and marry me eventually etc. To which I said I see a future with her but don’t know for sure if I want to be with her forever as it’s still only been 9 months and not ready to say that yet.

she seems to think we are on different pages now and I’m not in to it as much.
 

What does everyone think about this? am I not committed enough? 
 

thanks in advance 

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You should be as "committed" as you are comfortable being.

Does she seem to want a promise of marriage from you right now? Or is she content to continue on as you are for the time being? Are you willing to take some steps toward making the relationship more advanced such as living together at the one year mark?

There's nothing g wrong with her expressing her relationship goals. But it should be a decision you reach together.  Not something you do because she wants you to.

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5 minutes ago, Izac1789 said:

A few days ago, my girlfriend started saying she knows she wants to be with me forever and marry me eventually etc. To which I said I see a future with her but don’t know for sure if I want to be with her forever as it’s still only been 9 months and not ready to say that yet.

it's great you gave her a truthful answer. Agree 9 mos is too soon for marriage talk.

She may be more immature and insecure than you therefore wants to talk unicorns, rainbows, love hearts, wedding cake, etc.

You are committed if you are seeing each other exclusively. You answered the question correctly reassuring her but not making empty promises.

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You are being honest and that's fine.

Never feel rushed into something like this.  She should not take offence, as you two are still learning about each other - to see IF you are truly compatible.

I don't see how you be on different paths now?

Can she not understand that a relationship takes time.. to build?

Ask her to relax a bit and give this some time.

2 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

To which I said I see a future with her but don’t know for sure if I want to be with her forever as it’s still only been 9 months and not ready to say that yet.

I'm wondering if this is what may have set her off some?  Maybe either the way you worded it... (made her feel like you are not all that into her?), So, maybe have a talk about all of this just to reassure her).

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Well it's a bit unusual to be talking about marriage after only nine months at the age of 23. Although I'm not sure what culture you're from of course. I think you can still know at a younger age if you want marriage in general because I always knew even when I was a teenager and in my early 20's. But I wasn't really thinking about it to be honest until my late twenties. I just knew that I want it sometime in the future. Are you and your girlfriend official? Have you told her you loved her? What do you think is making her worried that you're not committed?

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Hi Izac,

I don't think this has anything to do with being committed enough, because it's been 9 months and deciding to be with someone forever is a big old thing. Even being with someone for years we can only go with what we feel in the moment. You say you can see a future, no problem. Maybe she just needs you to elaborate a little?

Or, if it's too soon for you to be thinking about the future like that then tell her, or be theoretical. Do you want kids, if so, how many? Have you thought about where you want to live? .... if you've not thought about any of that though, that's totally okay! Your 20s are about figuring stuff out.

It could be hormones talking, around mid twenties is definitely a common time for women to start emotionally thinking about having kids... even if not right away, its the pathway to them. So we start questioning everything. I get that it's probably a bit scary and a bit much but it's an uncontrollable primal thing. We want to know we're working towards that place with the right person and that we're both on the right path.

 

Sounds like you need to be completely honest about how you're feeling, ask her where she wants to be and see how that resinates for you... at the end of the conversation, if you both feel okay then that's good. If you've been honest as you can and true to yourself and she isn't satisfied, unfortunately theres nothing you can do and in the nicest way, it's her problem to deal with then.

Just trust your gut, be true about it all and don't worry. 9 months is still early to know.

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It's gonna suck from now on because, she's way ahead of you, and you are falling behind. It's out of balance. She's right you both are not on the same page.

IMO it's not immature or way too soon to think these things. Some just know when it's right. I know someone that was faced with this at 6 months. His GF was looking/hinting for a ring, when he just wanted a GF. They started out as friends and knew each other for sometime, so they weren't strangers. It fell apart for them soon after he told me.

I guess it will be up to her if she's gonna stick this out or not.

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Thanks everyone for the replies, it’s greatly appreciated.

I am building my own home and will be complete in the next couple of months. She is also upset that I am not asking her to move in right away and I have said I want to live alone for a while to begin with because I have never done that and always lived at home with my parents. She also seems upset about that. She believes we are now on different pages. 
 

I am happy with the speed we are going at and want to keep it steady. I do understand her point though if she feels that way. 
 

 

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This is one of those conflicts that many couples experience - one person moving faster than the other.

On that note, be sure that you acknowledge and validate her feelings and where she is at, but also, be sure that she understands and respects your pace and where you are at. Either you can both come together or you cannot....unfortunately.

Basically, she needs to slow her roll, but you need to work on reassuring her of your commitment to the relationship and your future together. It's a mutual compromise and one of many in long term relationships. Neither person gets to bulldoze the other kind of a thing.

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1 hour ago, Izac1789 said:

Thanks everyone for the replies, it’s greatly appreciated.

I am building my own home and will be complete in the next couple of months. She is also upset that I am not asking her to move in right away and I have said I want to live alone for a while to begin with because I have never done that and always lived at home with my parents. She also seems upset about that. She believes we are now on different pages. 
 

I am happy with the speed we are going at and want to keep it steady. I do understand her point though if she feels that way. 
 

 

What does moving in together mean to her - more of a commitment? if so, why? Does she feel like it will convince you by "playing house?"  My husband and I didn't officially move in together until after marriage and we were in our 40s.  I never really lived with anyone.  But I was very serious with a couple of people including him.  It sounds like she's moving at lightning speed -bet her friends have been talking up all this marriage stuff too - do you want to live with someone before marriage? before engagement?  Had I done so I wouldn't have known any more really about what it was like to live with my husband, seeing that we became parents shortly after marriage and living together as a couple has nothing in common with living with a newborn in a one bedroom apartment LOL.  

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