Jump to content

Is my wife having an emotional affair with a male co-worker?


Recommended Posts

I definitely think you are being gaslighted (gaslit?).  

Let me tell you something.  Let's pretend I am innocently carrying on with a guy at work, just a friends, clueless to how it was effecting my hubs.  So the hubs confronts me about it.  he tells me it hurts him.  

An innocent person, that loves her hubs, like I do, would immediately snap to attention.  Hurting him is the last person I want to hurt.  

A person hiding something turns it around on you.  Says you are throwing our marriage away.  How dare you not trust me.  

What you did, too.  was wrong.  ok.  but this is what happens when there is a breach in trust.  She may have forgiven you because she was afraid to leave you.  Now, a new guy is on the scene, may be the escape she wanted. 

If all you say about her---  not taking care of your child, not contributing at the home, not sharing the burden, then leave her.  Sounds likes there isn't much in the "pro" column to this situation.  Save yourself and your child.  Children know what is going on.  Maybe not the details, but if you are both so unhappy, the child knows. 

the best thing for a child?  Happy parents.  Unhappy parents do more damage than we think.  Everyone says- we stayed together for the kids.  If it sucks in the house, the kids want you to split.  They can have a relationship, a healthy one, with each of you, separately.  When you are not so occupied with the toxicity that is your marriage.  You are free to focus on them.  With love and happiness in your own life.  

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, brennanp said:

Thank you for all the suggestions.     I must state that I am no saint, as I did have an affair 18 years ago when she pushed me awary do to mental health reasons.  It took me 6 years to admit to it, but I did and we tried to move one.   She has always had intamacy issues do to depression and an eating disorder.  However I have lived in a relathionship starved to affection and recognition.    She made $50K a year when I met her.   Didn't work for 8 years of our marriage, and how makes $25K a year.  I shoulder all the financial burdern, cook and grocery shop because she says its to hard due to the eating disorder, clean the house becuase she doesn't like to clean and be the main caregive to our 11 year old son.   The only activity she does with him is to take him to a movie.  SHe will clean up after dinner and do laundry and that is the extent of what she does aroung the house.   Will never offer to help with any yard work.   Maybe the writing has been on the wall for years and I have just been too blinde to see it.

 

You have allowed yourself to become a doormat.  You should have ended this years ago.  You two are terrible for each other, and you have not done your child any favor by staying together.  

Edited by Hollyj
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I could have predicted how she was going to respond and did if you read my post carefully.  My then wife actually admitted the affair to me but it didn't matter in the end.  She cheated, turned her love towards another and viewed me as the enemy because I had ruined her fantasy life.  You see cheaters like the security of what you and I provide while they sneak around with their exciting fantasy life on the side.  A place to come home to each day and fun and excitement with her lover.  Cake and eat it too sort of thing.

  What do you want to do now?  You see the key here now is to learn not so much what to do but what NOT to do.

Lost

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

This woman is a liar and a cheater. Have her take a polygraph test and if she refuses or fails the test boot her to the curb. It’s also probably not the first time she does this. Change all your passwords, freeze your accounts and get a lawyer. Also, investigate the coworker and see if he is also married and let his spouse know. You can also let people at her workplace (aka her boss) know about the affair and get her fired if she gets nasty in the divorce. I don’t recommend doing this or saying anything about this to her, keep it close to your chest as this is not the woman you thought you married. I went through the exact same thing with my ex and the dominoes fall real fast once you expose their lies and start acting to protect yourself. Good luck and remember you can do this! Trust your gut and take action.

I disagree with this scorched earth approach, a popular meme of recycled (and often illegal) advice from seriously burned vengeful individuals addicted to infidelity forums.

Polygraph tests are sheer nonsense.

Shutting down/altering joint marital property in anticipation of divorce has serious consequences.

People with children should be particularly careful about using the scorched earth approach you describe.

Getting a spouse fired is idiotic. It serves no purpose. . If anything it's a good way to look like a lunitic stalker.

Telling the alleged affair partner's spouse also serves no purpose and again looks so unhinged, courts could question  fitness as a parent.

Havingng affairs is not illegal in western countries. The best advice comes from an attorney. 

OP. Please talk to your own therapist privately and confidentiality as well as consulting an attorney about your options.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

my ex til this day does not understand how an emotional affair is bad.

 

Your wife went outside of the marriage for emotional support period. She has never expressed to you she feels the need for you to be more present for her emotionally? If not she did not express her needs. not everybody knows how to do this, this is what marriage counseling teaches people. You expressing your needs of more help around house is important too! This is the bad communication everybody talks about in divorces. You have to be able to communicate your needs and be heard, and changes attempted. Or youre just not compatible

 

Like I said, if you gave her ultimatum of him or me, she would choose him. and if she chose you she would resent the ultimatum and sneak around your back.

 

Her going off to other room,yes its stonewalling and silent treatment but also reflect if this is her normal coping mechanism? My ex avoided confrontation this way, but never came back to the table to discuss. So nothing ever got resolved.

 

This might be strictly platonic and your wife is allowed to have friends but not when she discusses marital problems or no longer comes to you for support.

 

marriage counseling to educate each other on needs, or shes out!

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Super messed up. Get his number, name and see if he has a second fb profile with a wife, girlfriend or anything. Contact the wife if he does fr. Does he even know your wife is married? Some people don’t even care. I mean if he’s commenting on her posts that’s one thing he could just be weird and she’s friendly saying thank you. She should never be replying with hearts though ***. And she shouldn’t be having these dms with hearts. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I disagree with this scorched earth approach, a popular meme of recycled (and often illegal) advice from seriously burned vengeful individuals addicted to infidelity forums.

Polygraph tests are sheer nonsense.

Shutting down/altering joint marital property in anticipation of divorce has serious consequences.

People with children should be particularly careful about using the scorched earth approach you describe.

Getting a spouse fired is idiotic. It serves no purpose. . If anything it's a good way to look like a lunitic stalker.

Telling the alleged affair partner's spouse also serves no purpose and again looks so unhinged, courts could question  fitness as a parent.

Havingng affairs is not illegal in western countries. The best advice comes from an attorney. 

OP. Please talk to your own therapist privately and confidentiality as well as consulting an attorney about your options.

 

Don’t waste your breath. I doubt he’s gonna do any of the above since he’s also a cheater lol. The irony!

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

She probably figures turnabout is fair play.

This marriage is toxic. 

I don't see anything left to salvage. An AMICABLE split, where you two agree on terms in a mature manner, might be the best thing to do here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Girlstopplayin said:

Super messed up. Get his number, name and see if he has a second fb profile with a wife, girlfriend or anything. Contact the wife if he does fr. Does he even know your wife is married? Some people don’t even care. I mean if he’s commenting on her posts that’s one thing he could just be weird and she’s friendly saying thank you. She should never be replying with hearts though ***. And she shouldn’t be having these dms with hearts. 

This will not help anything.   There is also a child involved.  It is best he seek legal advice and get out. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...