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Is my wife having an emotional affair with a male co-worker?


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I had concerns for several months that my wife was becoming more distant in our relationship and intamacy was occurring less and less.   About six weeks ago I notice her communicating with a male coworker through text and FB Messenger after work hours at night and on the weekends. When I finally said something to her that this was making be feel uncomfortable, she insisted they were just friends.   She became secreative several times and changed her passcode on her phone.  When I challenged that she got angry, but evidentally reset the passwork back.    My phone is an open book.  She has 100% access to it.

For Valentines Day I sent her flowers at work and got her candy, cards and a small gift.    She did not purchase me a card or anything.   I belive when she realized she didn;t have anything for me, she hand wrote a note to me saying what a wonderful husband I was.   The day after Valentines day, she had to have minor surgery.  I took 2 days off of work to care for her.  She came home from the surgery and went to sleep.   I found out that when she woke about 6 hours later, the first thing she did was to message this male co-worker that she was ok.  He responded OMG, I was up all night worrying about you.   I will do anthing for you, day or night.   He then texted something in spanish.  She didn't know what it meant so she asked him.  He replied that it meant "You Have My Whole Heart"

THis really raised my concerns and I looked at her facebook posts for the past 9 months and see all this posts where they sent heart emojies back and forth.  Everytime she posts he is most ofter the first to comment.   When she posts new profile pictures he responds "Beautiful with a heart emojie"  and she Responds Thank you with a Heart emojie.      On her birthday he comments "Happy Birthday Darlin" and she responds Thank you with Heart emojie.

This has been going on for months.  Timeframe conincides with when she became distant.   She swears they are just friends and he is a senstive guy and that is why he uses heart emojies in his posts.   (Even if true, it doesn't explain why she is using them too."    She  uses heart emojies with alot of her girlfriends but this is the only guy.  Doesnt use them with other guy friends.

Thoughts?

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14 minutes ago, brennanp said:

He responded OMG, I was up all night worrying about you.   I will do anthing for you, day or night.   He then texted something in spanish.  She didn't know what it meant so she asked him.  He replied that it meant "You Have My Whole Heart"

You need to confront her with this and don't take the "we're just friends" BS as an answer. Inform her it's marriage therapy or divorce.

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Thanks for your response.  I have confronted her, she is in denial that this is anthing more than friends.   I have started counseling.  At first she said whe would go but then said she didn't want to go if the cousenling was going to validate my concerns.   Since I confronted her they both have gone radio silent on all social media.   She said she told him they can not longer be friends, however they work and interact with each other all day at work.

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ABSOLUTELY an emotiuonal affair. any time a signifcant other gets her emotional needs met outside of the relationship it is exactly this. It could even be a platonic female friend, if she gets her emotional needs met elsewhere, when you are a willing and kind husband, it is an affair. platonic or romantic. She needs to come to you for her needs.

 

its called triangulation. It happened to me. They form a triangle, like in a love triangle where they makeyou feel like someone else is more important than you.

 

If you gave her ultimatum today, and said you have to end talking to him, or im eavinf... or if you said him or me, she would probably choose him.

 

I would confront her with marriage counseling, or divorce. Be prepared for the answer of divorce. plan on receiving news that it is more than just friends eventually. Do not be surprised and over react like i did. Move on with class. Hold your head high.

 

Reason for offering counseling is perhaps you did not provide emotional safety and she began to feel like she cannot confide in you, or feel safe sharing anything and everything with you. So even though her behavior is immoral, you might be part of the problem. doesnt excuse her behavior, but marriage is a long road.

 

Actions not words!!! and demanding access to her phone while understandable, sounds controlling to her, furthering her desire to distance herself from you

 

In the end, hold your head high, keep being a good husband, and let her dig her own grave. her loss not yours.

 

But absolutely must be discussed and not ignored, or make up and let it go. This is therapy written all over it.

Edited by Jambalaya421
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This isn't acceptable and it's hard to believe that she thinks it is. Both of you are going your separate ways whether you like it or not so I'd suggest you take a very good look at whether this woman is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. 

Trust broken like this is often very hard to repair because the damage is already done and irreversible. 

I'm sorry this is happening. 

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7 minutes ago, brennanp said:

I have started counseling.  At first she said whe would go but then said she didn't want to go if the cousenling was going to validate my concerns.

Sorry this is happening. Of course they are just lying low for now.  Good you started counseling.

Consult an attorney anyway to inform yourself of your options. Discuss this in depth with the therapist on your own first.

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I'm really sorry you are going through this. Yes, your wife is cheating and there is no way around that.

Friends don't chatter like that. Also adults don't just talk, they have sex.

Confronting a cheater is really pointless. Majority of them will never admit to what they are doing even when confronted with evidence. Case in point really - oh it's not what it looks like, it's just a friend who is really sensitive. How stupid does she think you are? Sadly, stupid enough that she actually has the audacity to tell you this kind of bs and expects you to buy it. Refusing to go to counseling - yeah, she is afraid of a good counselor calling her out big time.

Sadly, this is where you need to start gathering all the information, make copies of their convos, check all your finances and lock things down so she cannot take out loans or run up credit debt in your name and yes, talk to a good divorce attorney. Keep in mind that speaking to one doesn't mean you have to file for a divorce right now. It is simply so that you get educated about your rights, what and how to defend yourself should things continue to go south. Basically, while you figure out whether or not you can work things out, cover your rear.

Above all else understand that cheating is never about you. You could be the best husband in the world and still get cheated on. Cheating is a character issue. 

 

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Well, working together is gonna be quite a mess in the end, but this is on her 😕 .

Yes, she is having an emotional affair.. what would she think if you were doing this with women or co-workers.

She denies it or gets defensive- because she knows she is in the wrong!

Either she shapes up or you ship out.  Don't accept this behaviour from a wife.

 

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They are not just friends. 

You know this. And she definitely knows this, too. She's just hoping she can throw you off her scent for a bit. 

My guess is that what you have seen is only the tip of the iceberg, and there is likely a lot you don't know about them yet. 

What are you prepared to do about that? 

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sorry! your wife is in the wrong here. The fact that it bothers you should make her stop.

The marriage viw clearly states foresees all others and keeps only unto you.  

I mean it's pretty clear 

I would not tolerate this. push the issue. choose me or I will. 

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I don’t know if I’d label this as an emotional affair, but I’m also not as loose with labels as some may be. I do think it’s inappropriate for sure. 

If you approach your partner and say “look, what you’re doing is really hurting me, whether it’s platonic to you or not. I feel like I’m sharing my wife with another man and I’m not interested in doing that.” and she responds with anything other than a compassionate apology, then that tells you right there how much she values your well-being. That’s when you know that she’s not really your partner anymore.

She can argue with your accusations, she can’t argue with your feelings.

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6 hours ago, brennanp said:

Since I confronted her they both have gone radio silent on all social media.   She said she told him they can not longer be friends, however they work and interact with each other all day at work.

I wouldn't buy into this nonsense, as the damage is already done and beyond repair, (imo).  Easier said than done, but how could you ever trust her again?

My guess is she'll go on to find better ways to cover her tracks.  Choose wisely...

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We are just friends is the first line out of the cheater handbook.

It would have been better if you hadn't driven them underground not that proving cheating (physical or emotional) is grounds for divorce.  Proof would have helped you accept what is really going on though.  It is hard to believe she would be so cold and heartless to you but she is.

Obviously she has turned her love and emotions toward this guy and away from you.  You are now the enemy and she will be mad at you for getting in the way of her love for him.  You cannot snap her out of this, coax her back or threaten her with ultimatums.  To make what she is doing okay in her mind she has dreamed up this fantasy where this guy is her soul mate and it was fate they met and she never really loved you, not like the love she feels for him.  This of course is all total BS but what else can she tell herself. "I am a horrible person that is cheating on a great man that I promised to be faithful to"  You are the bad guy in this in her mind.

  Unless you catch her she is unlikely to admit to cheating then one day she is going to come to you and drop the bomb, she wants a divorce.  She has been unhappy for a very long time and just cannot do it any longer.  Then she will suddenly have a new bf and guess what?  It is her "friend"

Time to make some hard choices.  Do you want to try and save the marriage? Or do you want to know the best way to end the marriage?

I have been in your shoes so please read this part carefully.  She is not the person you used to know or thought you knew.  She is not the woman you married, not the loving and caring wife and not someone that cares about your feelings.  That woman is in love with another man.

Do you really want to stay married to that woman?

Keep posting

 Lost

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Are you sure it's only an emotional affair? Maybe they've actually done something physical too? It seems unlikely she'd carry on with all this lovey dovey with him for nine months and nothing physical at all happened. I don't think she's in denial so much as she's actually just lying to you. Of course she knows they're not just friends! What male and female friend keep sending heart emojis and calling each other "darling". Unless the friend was gay. Even then it's a bit over the top. She's married to YOU and the first thing she does after surgery is text that guy? She should be texting you! And she got you nothing for Valentine's Day. 100% this was an emotional affair, possibly even physical. I guess the question is will you forgive your wife for it or not? How long have you been together?

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17 hours ago, brennanp said:

Thanks for your response.  I have confronted her, she is in denial that this is anthing more than friends.   I have started counseling.  At first she said whe would go but then said she didn't want to go if the cousenling was going to validate my concerns.   Since I confronted her they both have gone radio silent on all social media.   She said she told him they can not longer be friends, however they work and interact with each other all day at work.

Think about it.  Do you really expect her to tell you they are having an affair, of course she is going to use the oldest line the book.

She doesn't want to go to counseling because she has no interest in working on repairing your relationship.  She is very much emotionally (if not more) invested with this other guy.

 

Edited by Blue68
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There are definitely feelings between her and her coworker, no questions asked. You need to confront her and don't back down when she insists they're just friends. 

Those are all obvious signs that there is more between them and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

Edited by May
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15 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

We are just friends is the first line out of the cheater handbook.

It would have been better if you hadn't driven them underground not that proving cheating (physical or emotional) is grounds for divorce.  Proof would have helped you accept what is really going on though.  It is hard to believe she would be so cold and heartless to you but she is.

Obviously she has turned her love and emotions toward this guy and away from you.  You are now the enemy and she will be mad at you for getting in the way of her love for him.  You cannot snap her out of this, coax her back or threaten her with ultimatums.  To make what she is doing okay in her mind she has dreamed up this fantasy where this guy is her soul mate and it was fate they met and she never really loved you, not like the love she feels for him.  This of course is all total BS but what else can she tell herself. "I am a horrible person that is cheating on a great man that I promised to be faithful to"  You are the bad guy in this in her mind.

  Unless you catch her she is unlikely to admit to cheating then one day she is going to come to you and drop the bomb, she wants a divorce.  She has been unhappy for a very long time and just cannot do it any longer.  Then she will suddenly have a new bf and guess what?  It is her "friend"

Time to make some hard choices.  Do you want to try and save the marriage? Or do you want to know the best way to end the marriage?

I have been in your shoes so please read this part carefully.  She is not the person you used to know or thought you knew.  She is not the woman you married, not the loving and caring wife and not someone that cares about your feelings.  That woman is in love with another man.

Do you really want to stay married to that woman?

Keep posting

 Lost

So I took someone that posted suggestion and said to her  say “look, what you’re doing is really hurting me, whether it’s platonic to you or not. I feel like I’m sharing my wife with another man and I’m not interested in doing that.” 

Her reaction.  Pissed off and not talking to me.    Guess that says it all.    

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So I took someone that posted suggestion and said to her  say “look, what you’re doing is really hurting me, whether it’s platonic to you or not. I feel like I’m sharing my wife with another man and I’m not interested in doing that.” 

Her reaction.  Pissed off and not talking to me.    Guess that says it all.    

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I wonder if she's already seen an attorney.

I would say she's gearing up for something. What it is, I couldn't speculate. But I'd keep an eye on the bank accounts and credit card statements. Also check your credit report to see if she's applied for anything.

I would second (or third) the recommendation to consult an attorney. If for no other reason than to see what your rights and options are.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I wish you could read a thread posted on this forum by another member called "My wife and her new boss". Very similar situation with the wife denying and denying until it became so glaringly obvious she couldn't deny any longer. Perhaps you can search for that thread. You might find it helpful.

Feel free to post here for support if you would like to.

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Posted (edited)

I tried to sit down with her tonight and have a converstation about this.  I have never raised my voice when disucssing this, just trying to have my veiwpoint herard, and hopefully acknowledged.

She cannot hold a conversation about this without being angry.   Saying I am accusing her of something she didnt do.  I responsed that I did not say you did anything physical with this guy, however there is certianly something emotional.   She continues to say just becuase they send heart emojis back and forth doesnt mean the he means anyting to her.   I said may be, but I bet they mean something to him.    She then says I am willing to throw our 20 year marriage down the drain over emojis and facebook posts and that I need to trust her when she says nothing happed and that he doesn't mean anything to her.   Then she said. she is ready to quit because I continue to accuse her or question her actions.  She feels it is rediculous that I am referencing posts from Nov. 2020.  Storms off to listen to music in bed.

Guess the  handwriting is on the wall.

 

 

 

Edited by brennanp
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This woman is a liar and a cheater. Have her take a polygraph test and if she refuses or fails the test boot her to the curb. It’s also probably not the first time she does this. Change all your passwords, freeze your accounts and get a lawyer. Also, investigate the coworker and see if he is also married and let his spouse know. You can also let people at her workplace (aka her boss) know about the affair and get her fired if she gets nasty in the divorce. I don’t recommend doing this or saying anything about this to her, keep it close to your chest as this is not the woman you thought you married. I went through the exact same thing with my ex and the dominoes fall real fast once you expose their lies and start acting to protect yourself. Good luck and remember you can do this! Trust your gut and take action.

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Thank you for all the suggestions.     I must state that I am no saint, as I did have an affair 18 years ago when she pushed me awary do to mental health reasons.  It took me 6 years to admit to it, but I did and we tried to move one.   She has always had intamacy issues do to depression and an eating disorder.  However I have lived in a relathionship starved to affection and recognition.    She made $50K a year when I met her.   Didn't work for 8 years of our marriage, and how makes $25K a year.  I shoulder all the financial burdern, cook and grocery shop because she says its to hard due to the eating disorder, clean the house becuase she doesn't like to clean and be the main caregive to our 11 year old son.   The only activity she does with him is to take him to a movie.  SHe will clean up after dinner and do laundry and that is the extent of what she does aroung the house.   Will never offer to help with any yard work.   Maybe the writing has been on the wall for years and I have just been too blinde to see it.

 

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10 minutes ago, brennanp said:

Thank you for all the suggestions.     I must state that I am no saint, as I did have an affair 18 years ago when she pushed me awary do to mental health reasons.  It took me 6 years to admit to it, but I did and we tried to move one.   She has always had intamacy issues do to depression and an eating disorder.  However I have lived in a relathionship starved to affection and recognition.    She made $50K a year when I met her.   Didn't work for 8 years of our marriage, and how makes $25K a year.  I shoulder all the financial burdern, cook and grocery shop because she says its to hard due to the eating disorder, clean the house becuase she doesn't like to clean and be the main caregive to our 11 year old son.   The only activity she does with him is to take him to a movie.  SHe will clean up after dinner and do laundry and that is the extent of what she does aroung the house.   Will never offer to help with any yard work.   Maybe the writing has been on the wall for years and I have just been too blinde to see it.

 

Your marriage sounds toxic and doesn't seem to be working. You also cheated and she probably shouldn't have forgiven you for that. Doesn't sound like your marriage has been good for a very long time. Of course your wife knows her and this guy are not platonic. The only way it could be platonic is if he was gay. She's just gaslighting you and lying to you because she doesn't want to admit it. If she wants to go to this guy then maybe you should let her. I mean for all you know they probably already slept together anyway. She called him first after she woke up from her surgery so that's a very clear sign she cares about him more than you. You're both not happy so maybe you just need to split up. What you did was wrong too and you don't have that much leg to stand on. You had an affair and didn't tell her for six years! You're both just as bad as each other.

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