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Think my gf might be bi/lesbian


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Hi all, I’ve had the feeling for the last year and a half that my gf might be a bi/lesbian. There have been a few small things that I have noticed, that in isolation probably wouldn’t mean much but all together they have kind of added up in my mind to make me question if she is. She has also become v close to a work colleague over the last 18 months as well, and I feel like they might like each other as more than just friends. Because of this I’m thinking of having a chat with my gf about my concerns. Do you think that I’m just being overly paranoid and reading too much into these things, or do you think she could be? 

First of all at the start of our relationship when we were getting to know each other she casually mentioned a few things. For example apparently her mum used to think she was a lesbian. Also she mentioned how when she was at uni she kissed a few girls on nights out, as well as this her and 2 other girls stripped and kissed in front of a guy at his place once although apparently nothing more happened. I didn’t think much of these at the time as she was obvs drunk in these scenarios and I just thought it’s the sort of thing young people get up to.

Another small thing I noticed was that before we were officially going out she had liked a lot of social media posts about being a lesbian, for example one tweet was “how could any girl be straight, have they never seen a girl”. In isolation obvs liking tweets isn’t a big deal. 

About 10 months into our relationship when I was tidying our room I came across a book plan for a book she had been talking about writing for quite a while. She’d told me the plot of the book, or so I thought, so I gave it a quick read. I noticed right away that the main character was basically just my gf. Literally all the bullet points were about our life and mentioned all her hopes and aspirations. If I was handed it and didn’t know it was a book plan, i would have thought it was my gfs autobiography. So I was quite shocked when the last part suddenly mentioned this character meeting a girl at work and “getting frisky” with her, and then realising she’d been living a lie her entire life and was “gay as ****” before dumping her bf. This made me worry that this had maybe happened or if this was something my gf thought about/wanted to happen and maybe she felt as though she has been living a lie. 

After this I noticed more and more my gf will often call girls fit and comment on girls bodies when we’re out and about or even if they’re on TV/ a movie. I get that people can appreciate other peoples looks but it just happens so often it feels like more that that. She’s also very interested in lesbian books/tv/movies.

We also had a conversation once where she mentioned that she thinks that everyone is bi to some extent. So I then said that would make her bi and asked her if she thought girls were fit, she said that she could look at a girl and think that she is good looking. I then asked if she’d have sex with a girl and she just replied that she doesn’t know as she has never tried. I feel like this isn’t the answer a straight person would give.

What’s made me more paranoid is the fact she has become incredibly close with a girl she started working with last year. When she first met this girl I remember my gf saying it was weird how much this girl was messaging her and how she seemed to be almost obsessed with my gf. Because of this I never even thought they would become friends. But now they literally message 24/7. I get friends can message a lot but I don’t ever notice her messaging any of her other mates as much. I’ve felt more and more like I have to fight for her attention, for example when we’re watching a tv show or movie, v often she’ll stop watching over and over to message this girl. It’s like her attention is with her rather than me. This friend has also started to actively become more involved in the relationship, like she’s started messaging me to ask for gift ideas for my gf etc. It does feel to me like there is almost another person in the relationship.

This friend also came round to ours on my gfs bday recently. She had messaged me saying she was going to come and drop off gifts as a surprise, and I assumed she would be staying for an hour or so. She ended up staying for about 6.5 hours and basically took over the day. At one point, we were sat around a table, and I was sat one one side whilst they were sat together on the other. They then asked me to start taking pics of them together as well as taking selfie’s. My gf didn’t even take 1 pic with me, the only bday post on her Instagram is of her and this girl. My gf and her then ended up walking our dog whilst my gf suggested I stayed at home to order food. So altogether I genuinely felt like an outsider and a third wheel on the day, in my own house with my own gf. I noticed that this girl also bought my gf a book as a bday gift so I had a quick read of it. The contents include chapters titled “life’s short, dump him” and “maybe it’s a girl crush maybe you’re ***.” I get this is just a book, but I feel like it’s weird my gf was gifted a book that seems to discuss coming to terms with being bi/lesbian and coming out, by a girl I feel is potentially more than just a friend.

This girl also wrote a card to my gf saying how she is the her favourite girl ever and saying she wants to take my gf on a beach holiday as soon as she can. I’m probs being stupid but I genuinely feel like if they go on holiday together something could end up happening between them.

I just feel like there’s too many little signs for this to be nothing. Or maybe I am just being overly paranoid.

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1 hour ago, jlm23 said:

  she mentioned how when she was at uni she kissed a few girls on nights out, 

She has already told you about this directly but you chose to ignore it.

She's obviously not lesbian if she's in a relationship with you.

All the other "signs" are irrelevant. 

What's relevant is: do you think she's cheating on you with this woman?

Ask her point blank if this co-worker is more than a friend.

Is being gay taboo in your culture/country/religion?

What's with all the secrecy? Don't you think it's odd you're not aware of who she is after all this time?

 

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The friendship has a negative impact on your relationship. That's all you need to know. Don't go down the rabbithole questioning her sexuality. It doesn't matter anyway. Someone who cares about you wouldn't have you feeling this way and questioning the relationship.

My guess is that she likes seeing you squirm and she is on a power trip (inherently insecure with herself) and this new friend of hers helps her see herself in a new way and boost her confidence. Look at the big picture: being with her doesn't feel good.

 

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I would stop guessing what her sexual orientation is because that will lead nowhere good and there really isn’t anything you could do. 
 

You do need to talk to her about how you’re feeling. Communication should be a strong point in any relationship. You won’t get answers if you stay silent. 

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