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Boyfriend Criticizing My Parenting


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Small children need to be in bed no later than 7:30 PM to get proper rest. They should start winding down with warm baths, pjs and stories at 6:30. 

No child should EVER sleep in the bed with the parents. I dont know who thought that was a good idea, but it destroys adult relationships. You cannot get busy and be romantic and have pillow talk with your man with some brat kid lying between you. Put that kid in its own room and it's own bed immediately. That is a bad habit that you never should have started and he is pointing out how you are putting a blockade against intimacy with your man even if it's not him), by doing that. I suspect many women do it for that exact reason actually. 

Nothing he said was wrong. Instead of getting defensive it was an opportunity to have a discussion about the issue and his perspective. You might have learned something.  Ultimately you may have still opted to continue doing things the way you are, but you would not have created an issue for you two to fight about. 

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32 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Co sleeping is very common. We did it with my son until he decided to move to his own bed at about 3. We are still married, 27 years next month. 

So, if the OP asked me my personal opinion on appropriate bedtimes for toddlers I'd say -sleep begets sleep (meaning, going to bed earlier typically means the child will sleep later not get up even earlier -I know doesn't make sense, just -it's true!), earlier bedtimes are generally better for babies/young kids especially (and especially if they go to daycare/school/have to get up early) and I used two sleep books I liked a lot and recommended them to other parents IF they asked.  I also kept a strict nap schedule/bedtime schedule/routine.  It worked well for my kid (he is 12; covid has thrown it all to chaos....).

As far as cosleeping - I am not a fan, personally in our family/for our child.  I know many parents do it, and I know in several cultures it's common.  I say -OP, you do you.  If cosleeping is what works for you and your child, do it, of course!  I wrote above the only thing that freaks me out some is when new parents do that with an infant and don't do safe sleep practices.  I didn't co-sleep with my parents and in fact they locked their door but my sis and I sometimes coslept on cold winter nights!

I think it is easy to send articles to people -I'm really selective about it if it would be "advice" - then I don't do it -can't even think of an exception.  (meaning unsolicited) -also if I were to do what he did I wouldn't send it -I'd mention it like 'have you read" -also since he has no kids obviously he was researching this issue which is also kinda heavhanded.

My son and I cosleep/have coslept during bad storms, when he is sick, occasionally when he has a bad dream.  Ironically this really never happened before he was 4 years old -he was an excellent sleeper starting at 10 weeks old till almost 7 years old and he was only sick a few times where I had him co sleep with me since I was solo parenting and nervous about his fever/symptoms.  He slept in a crib in our room till he was 6 months old, for safe sleep practices.  

 

Edited by Batya33
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12 hours ago, OTW said:

Do you have children? I’m not saying I completely ignore all advice from non-parents, but I do think people who haven’t had kids yet don’t understand what it’s like even if they have worked in childcare. (I worked in childcare for 10 years and knew many women who felt like they understood parenting without being a parent, until they had kids and it was a huge eye opener for them!)

Yes, it’s possible he was just trying to be helpful in a way I found insulting. I’m not looking to end a relationship over this, I just feel bothered by it and he’s so quickly dismissed it. I want to tell him to stay out of my parenting without sounding like I’m building an unbreakable wall and will never accept any parenting criticisms/tips. If we live together someday or get married, we will have to find a new balance. A talk about boundaries is in order. 

Yes  I am a parent.  My son was born 7 weeks premature and diagnosed with CP at 7 months.  I had a steep learning curve and made mistakes that is for sure.  We received a lot of unsolicited advice from family and friends that just wanted to help any way they could.  I never got upset by it because I knew they cared and wanted to help.  8 surgeries later and thousands of hours of physical therapy taught me to listen to any and all advice and then make the best choice for my son.  Is your situation different?  Absolutely but until you know your boyfriends motives for sending the articles shouldn't you postpone the feelings of being insulted?  There will be plenty of time for that once you hear why he did it.  He may have been trying to be helpful or he could be a total jerk, just let him tell you is all I am saying.  

His quickness in dismissing it was probably him realizing he screwed up when you set him straight and he is just trying to put it behind him.  Nobody wants to relive a screw up, especially with the woman you care about.

Are you the first woman he has dated that has had children?

Lost

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21 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

...It got to the point where I’d overstepped WAY too much and it scared the absolute heck out of me...

You're the momma, and sh*t happens.  Sh*t gets real, and happens to the best parents.   

This guy though is someone she's just dating.  To date a woman with young kids is to also date her kids.  He has made little effort to put his best foot forward with her kids...imagine when her kids become hormonal preteens - a guy who walked off from a kids splashing in puddles, endless battles.  If the person doesn't have an open mind or open heart, and it's not their kids, the kids will always get the short-end of the stick.  Him sending you articles is fine, but him sending you specific articles that directly relate to your parenting choices without asking or that you were inquiring about, NOOOO THANKS!   He's high maintenance and what you only see is the tip of his iceberg.

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On 3/31/2021 at 7:06 PM, DancingFool said:

His actions and his word do not match up.

What he is telling you is what you want to hear - he likes kids, he wants kids. His actions are showing you the total opposite. He doesn't like kids at all, he doesn't have any patience for them,

Exactly my thoughts. 

He might like the idea of a family and kids, but the reality is actually very different. And his views of parenting do not line up with yours. 

I am not sure how compatible you two truly are, on a fundamental level. 

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