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Not sure if I'm over reacting


Tinydance

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I'm not sure if I'm feeling sensitive at the moment because I'm fighting with a friend and maybe over reacting....I met a guy on a dating app. We talked on one app first but he deleted his profile. Then we matched on another app and exchanged phone numbers. He said he wanted to talk on the phone but there is some kind of really bad issue with my phone provider. It's been going on for over a year and started right when COVID started. So not sure if it's related. Basically people usually can't hear me on a phone call, but texting and calling through the Internet is totally fine. I explained this to him but he called me anyway. I think I explained more about it in the phone call and I think I did also tell him that I already got a brand new mobile phone and a new SIM card, and it didn't help.

I got the new phone for free by signing up with my phone provider for another two years. I thought the phone was the issue and didn't realise it was the provider, and now I'm locked into a two year contract. I tried calling the provider but they can't hear me on the phone and didn't help me in the online chat either. I can't remember if I told the guy all this in our first phone call, but I definitely told him some of it.

Our phone call quickly cut out because my phone doesn't work and I suggested we add each other on Skype or Facebook Messenger, etc. if he likes calling or video calling. He made no comment about my suggestion.

Then we went on an actual first date. I found him attractive and he seemed nice, but we only spent about two hours together. On the date it looked like he hadn't remembered things I told him about my phone. He said that I should get a new phone and leave my phone provider. I said I did already get a new phone and can't leave the provider unless I go through the telecommunications ombudsman. Anyway I explained the whole thing again and said my phone doesn't work to call.

After that we were chatting on text and discussing what to do for our next date. It's not that he was calling me constantly, but rather than texting the guy was trying to call me a few times. I was surprised because I already explained to him a few times about the whole phone situation. I was only texting back hoping he'd get the message, but he still called. I had to actually explain to him AGAIN about my phone and I said if he wants only to call, we can add on whatsapp and so on and video call or phone call from there. He again made no comment about that at all. 

He knows I'm a very outgoing person and I told him I'm having a fight with a friend. He sent me this message: "Sounds like you go out a bit and might need to just chill out a bit, fighting with people is upsetting". I said that I enjoy going out and I'm an outgoing person. He said: "Going out is fun but it's exhausting". 

I must say I didn't really like what he said because we've only met once and he shouldn't be telling me what to do. I also wasn't sure what was going on regarding the phone thing because I explained it all to him many times and it's like he wasn't listening.

Another thing he said to me is that he's really monogamous. He was previously seeing this woman and straight away stopped seeing anyone else but her. Like as soon as they met I mean. I think he also disabled the dating app because he only wanted to focus on her. He said he was surprised when he found out that she was still going on dates with others. 

The thing is that sort of concerned me because while I'm monogamous too, until I'm official with someone I do talk to and see others. I especially would never go so far as to stop talking to others straight away and even delete the dating apps. I mean, it's his choice but if he would expect me to behave as he does, I might be the wrong person for him.

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Yeah, I feel like with what he said about going out might be more of an advice like suggesting you should relax for a bit and just provided his opinion on going out after you said you enjoyed going out. Not too sure because I can't really tell the tone of it. I feel like that telling the person the same thing with the phone issue is a big red flag, especially if it was within such a short amount of time. I have to agree with you that it shows that he's not really paying attention to what you've been saying about that. 

People do have their own beliefs on how relationships should work in terms of other people before and during your relationships. You guys can disagree on that topic, but there shouldn't be any factor in which he tries to control what you are doing, it probably won't be a great match. 

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9 minutes ago, taromilktea said:

Yeah, I feel like with what he said about going out might be more of an advice like suggesting you should relax for a bit and just provided his opinion on going out after you said you enjoyed going out. Not too sure because I can't really tell the tone of it. I feel like that telling the person the same thing with the phone issue is a big red flag, especially if it was within such a short amount of time. I have to agree with you that it shows that he's not really paying attention to what you've been saying about that. 

People do have their own beliefs on how relationships should work in terms of other people before and during your relationships. You guys can disagree on that topic, but there shouldn't be any factor in which he tries to control what you are doing, it probably won't be a great match. 

 

Well I'm not actually sure if he would expect me to delete dating apps and not date anyone else straight away. But if he did then unfortunately I don't think it would work out because it's not how I prefer to date. I prefer to really get to know someone well before deciding that I want to be in a relationship with them. I actually don't know if he expects me to not see anyone else at the same time. He hasn't said that, he just told me about himself. Regarding the phone thing I don't know what that was about, but it was weird. I mean, he's not physically disabled and his spelling and grammar are perfect, so it's not like he can't write. I also think that if you keep trying to call someone, but they only text you back, that means they're not into calling. He had already met me in person by then so it's not like he needed to call to check I'm really who I say I am. The going out comment is probably not that bad but if you've met someone only once then you shouldn't be telling them what to do. I know he said I shouldn't keep going out because I'm fighting with my friend, but people deal with those things differently. Some people actually like to go out to take their mind off it.

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I dont like the fact he’s already telling you what to do either! That sets up what he’s probably going to be like with trying to be controlling. 
 

The fact that he hasn’t listened to you carefully in regards to your phone sounds straight up annoying. 
 

I don’t know maybe I’m not as patient as I once was but I think you can do a lot better!

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It doesn't sound like a good match. I'm not sure why he would bring up his other (previous) dates. This doesn't seem very gentlemanly. His approach with the monogamous comment, to me, sounds like he's new or just out of a relationship (not controlling so much, maybe a little awkward). 

It's probably also best to leave out the bits about disagreements with friends or coworkers or family. Keep the first date light. It's just a meet and greet. Two hours is plenty of time!

 

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4 minutes ago, limichelle said:

I dont like the fact he’s already telling you what to do either! That sets up what he’s probably going to be like with trying to be controlling. 
 

The fact that he hasn’t listened to you carefully in regards to your phone sounds straight up annoying. 
 

I don’t know maybe I’m not as patient as I once was but I think you can do a lot better!

Yes regarding the phone it was really annoying! The thing is it's already so frustrating for me because the phone stopped working in COVID lockdown and there was nothing I could do. It is really frustrating that people can't hear me so the fact he kept trying to call did really annoy me. He did seem like a nice guy and I found him very attractive. It's hard to know if he is that nice though because I only spent two hours or a bit less with him in person. The rest of the communication had been through texting. It actually was annoying he made the going out comment because he doesn't even know whether not going out would help ME personally. Some people want to be alone when they're upset, but some actually want to go out to have a nice time and take their mind off it. That's not his place to be telling me how to deal with it.

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

It doesn't sound like a good match. I'm not sure why he would bring up his other (previous) dates. This doesn't seem very gentlemanly. His approach with the monogamous comment, to me, sounds like he's new or just out of a relationship (not controlling so much, maybe a little awkward). 

It's probably also best to leave out the bits about disagreements with friends or coworkers or family. Keep the first date light. It's just a meet and greet. Two hours is plenty of time!

 

Well I think with the monogamous thing he was telling what he's looking for in a relationship. Coz on some dating apps many people are polyamorous. Actually what happened regarding telling about fighting with my friend....We were meant to be going for dinner and a movie tonight. He texted me saying he wasn't going to be able to make dinner now, but he could still come to the movie. But the movie started at 7:30 p.m. and straight afterwards I'd have to go home because I have work at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. So I said to him maybe it's better to reschedule to tomorrow, especially as I'm having a fight with my friend and might not be good company. I didn't go into any details and only said that one thing.

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Do you know why he couldn't make it to the dinner this evening? It seems like short notice for you. The reason why I say to leave out the personal issue with your friend is because you don't really know this person yet. So far, it appears he has problems with short term memory loss, is monogamously awkward and he bailed on short notice for a date on the day of (this evening). 

It's good to keep an open mind but I'd go into tomorrow's date a bit more wary. Why not just have dinner and leave it there? Dinner and movie seems quite long for a second date. This may be personal preference.

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3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Do you know why he couldn't make it to the dinner this evening? It seems like short notice for you. The reason why I say to leave out the personal issue with your friend is because you don't really know this person yet. So far, it appears he has problems with short term memory loss, is monogamously awkward and he bailed on short notice for a date on the day of (this evening). 

It's good to keep an open mind but I'd go into tomorrow's date a bit more wary. Why not just have dinner and leave it there? Dinner and movie seems quite long for a second date. This may be personal preference.

I think maybe he had something on at dinner time that he forgot he had...Actually I don't think he has short term memory problems because obviously he remembered me talking about going out a lot. I feel like the phone thing was selective hearing or like he didn't seem to believe me it really doesn't work or something? Even though our first phone call cut out pretty quickly. So he had proof of that. 

Dating hasn't been going well for me to be really honest. Well I've been posting about it so everyone here knows that lol I'm a larger woman and I feel some people maybe have been shallow about it. I'm not massive but I'm what you call overweight or chubby. My best friend is very slim and really attractive. She went on dates with 50 guys before she found her current boyfriend. Out of those 50 guys like 90% of them were into her and wanted to date her. In my case it's been very 50/50. I just don't get as many people into me and I'm conscious of that.

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If your provider is not providing services as the contract states, I would think that you could get out of the agreement.  Also, other providers are willing to buy out your contract to get business.  It is ridiculous that you have to tolerate such poor service, your provider is not holding  up its end.  You shouldn't be paying for substandard service.

Why would you share your problems about  that woman?  When I have issues with a friend, I do not share with my friends, I bring it here.

Dude does not listen.  Big problem.   Telling you what to do is not cool.  He does not sound like a winner.

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I know what you mean about dating being overweight. When I dated a long time ago before my last ex. The guys I attracted either weren’t into me because of my size or were weirdos into me that had a thing for bigger woman. 
 

I met my ex and we dated a year and a half and he was nice to me during it but he wasn’t right for me in so many ways. It’s like at the time I settled because he was the first decent guy to show interest in me. 
 

I think this guy personally doesn’t sound like a good fit. He’s being bothered by things about your life that he has no business being bothered by. Such as you going out when upset. 
 

I can see why you would tell him about your friend, it’s a current problem in your life and it’s nice to vent to someone. 
 

As for cancellation last minute for dinner I would keep an eye on that. To make sure he doesn’t keep bailing last minute. 
 

Yes! Selective hearing is the worst! Especially when they then do the opposite of what you said. He seems smart from what you said but a ditz or a highly paranoid person by having to keep calling just to ‘make sure.’ 
 

If he did these things and didn’t have much going for him with looks, do you think you would bale earlier then now? 
 

I ask because looks can be deceiving that way. I too can get caught up in if someone is good looking. 
 

 

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9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think maybe he had something on at dinner time that he forgot he had...Actually I don't think he has short term memory problems because obviously he remembered me talking about going out a lot. I feel like the phone thing was selective hearing or like he didn't seem to believe me it really doesn't work or something? Even though our first phone call cut out pretty quickly. So he had proof of that. 

Dating hasn't been going well for me to be really honest. Well I've been posting about it so everyone here knows that lol I'm a larger woman and I feel some people maybe have been shallow about it. I'm not massive but I'm what you call overweight or chubby. My best friend is very slim and really attractive. She went on dates with 50 guys before she found her current boyfriend. Out of those 50 guys like 90% of them were into her and wanted to date her. In my case it's been very 50/50. I just don't get as many people into me and I'm conscious of that.

See how the second date goes. It's still early and he may be a decent man. Sometimes people say things out of nervousness on the first meet. I'm not so sure about the selective hearing. I'd be cautious about that.

Please don't compare yourself to your friend. What she likes or what she does is her own dating experience. I agree with you that some people can be shallow but you don't want those people anyway so they're automatically being screened. Everything you are is a built-in screening device and you only have to trust your instincts. Don't carry that around. If someone doesn't feel right, you won't do yourself a favour staying. You can walk away too.

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It's not that you are the wrong person for him, it's that he is the wrong person for you. You need to reframe your thinking about dating. You are doing the choosing and need to choose wisely.

As for this guy....yikes....

Ignoring you the way he has about the phone situation isn't an accident or loss of memory or any other absurd excuse. He is showing you who he is - he will do what he wants as he wants while completely disregarding you and your suggestions. It would be different if he said that he really hates texting and let's do some other app where he can call you. But no! He is simply disregarding you completely and doing whatever the eff he feels like his way. This is more than a red flag, this is a flashing neon sign for RUN!

Combine the above with the comment that you should stop being outgoing or socializing and you have a growing forest of flashing neon signs for RUN!

The whole "I focus intensely on pursuing one person and expect instant loyalty from them" isn't cute either. It's exactly what control freaks do. Target, take control, isolate.

When you see this kind of behavior, don't try to find cutesy excuses and just RUN! I would cancel your next date if I were you and just be done. Don't be so desperate to date that you tango with something like this.

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There are too many issues already.  If something doesn't run smoothly from the very beginning, then it really isn't worth pursuing.  If you are worried about certain aspects of his behaviour already then that is a sure sign that things will get worse over time - not better.

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