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I just want problems to be resolved!


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Thanks in advance for reading this and any help that is given! 

Up until around 6 months ago me and my girlfriend had the most amazing relationship I'm 22 and she's 25. I can't even begin to put into words how much I love her, how much she means to me and how she's changed my life for the better. 

Problems came when she moved into my house where I still live with my parents, she moved in during lockdown as she wasn't having a particularly good time at home with one thing and another. She cleared everything with my dad first to make sure that it was okay and he was more than happy with it - in fact he was actually quite excited at the fact that I would be getting to spend time with someone who means so much to me and someone who makes me happy. 

The problem started between my girlfriend and my dads partner it was both sides that weren't really cooperating (that's my opinion and i'm trying to remain as neutral as possible) they would ignore each other, not be pleasant in the way that they spoke to each other etc. As time went on my girlfriend started spending more time back at home which was great as we we're still getting along amazingly and it lifted some of the rising tensions. Anyway my dads partner spoke to me eventually and told me all of his thoughts and rightly or wrongly I went straight to my girlfriend and told her, she kicked off understandably but maybe too much and she packed her bags and she left. The real fall out came from a conversation that my girlfriend and my dads partner had over messenger when my gf said things that weren't okay at all, which she has now accepted, also in the way that she acted wasn't okay which she knows.

I'm now at the point in my relationship with her whereby I love her more than ever and still see such an amazing, beautiful, kind hearted person unfortunately not everyone sees this. However we haven't had any form of intimacy since this, partly because of covid, but also because of how she feels towards me and her loss of sex drive, (which i find incredibly hard as I consider myself to have a high sex drive) she says that whenever she see's me that all the memories are bought back to her in year that she personally had endured with many other problems. Even small examples such as sending each other nudes we used to do regularly doesn't happen anymore. 

My dad has said that it's more than okay that she still comes round but wants his own personal space but I can't get my gf to come round to mine at the moment so that we can spend time together. She says that she doesn't feel as close to me anymore and that she doesn't want to spend time with anyone not just me. I find this incredibly hard as my feelings towards her have never once changed. I just want her, me and us to be happy. I can't bare the thought of me living a life without her.

I don't expect things to go back to how they were in regards to other relationships within the families. I just want my gf back and the old amazing couple that we were back to normal. I've told her that I'm willing to fight and fight and fight to get back to that stage and I'm not prepared to give up because she really is the most amazing person in my eyes ever.

Any help in how/what I should do to get my girlfriend and us feeling back to ourselves again would be greatly appreciated. 

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Sorry you’re having such a difficult time. I have two thoughts on this: the first being that perhaps you can all sit down together in a neutral space and talk things out. I don’t mean rehash past problems, but just forgive and move forward, heal. The other option is you moving to her place if you want to get back to that position but without the issues that arose with your father and his partner.

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9 minutes ago, Adam7658934 said:

 

The problem started between my girlfriend and my dads partner it was both sides that weren't really cooperating.Anyway my dads partner spoke to me eventually and told me all of his thoughts and rightly or wrongly I went straight to my girlfriend and told her, she kicked off understandably but maybe too much and she packed her bags and she left.

Sorry this happened. It's understandable that you are angry at your father's partner. However your GF was a houseguest, who really overstayed her welcome.

She did the right thing leaving and going back home where she belongs.

Unfortunately she was wrong to be rude to her hosts and your father's partner. Like it or not, that is your father's partners home, not your GF's.

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7 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

Sorry you’re having such a difficult time. I have two thoughts on this: the first being that perhaps you can all sit down together in a neutral space and talk things out. I don’t mean rehash past problems, but just forgive and move forward, heal. The other option is you moving to her place if you want to get back to that position but without the issues that arose with your father and his partner.

Thanks for your reply. I would love to move into her place or move into a place of our own but i think that right now she has her worries- understandably. With regards to talking it out i think that the underlying anger that still surrounds the situation would be recipe for disaster. I just want to draw a line under it and be able to move forward.

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's understandable that you are angry at your father's partner. However your GF was a houseguest, who really overstayed her welcome.

She did the right thing leaving and going back home where she belongs.

Unfortunately she was wrong to be rude to her hosts and your father's partner. Like it or not, that is your father's partners home, not your GF's.

Thanks for your reply. I completely understand what you're saying but I want to be able to move on now and not dwell on the past like I have for the past 6 months. 

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This is one of those things where your gf showed her true colors and they aren't pretty. No amount of love or wanting to move past this is doing to change her character and personality.

The way she behaved toward your father's partner was completely out of line. As if that's not enough, she refuses to acknowledge that and is now sabotaging her relationship with you and punishing you personally for her issues and bad attitude.

I'm afraid that this relationship is really a life lesson for you that love is not enough. Character, personality, manners - these things matter and it takes time to learn whether your partner has what it takes or not. There comes a point where you do need to remove the love goggles, aka emotions, and deal with reality, who the person actually is v. who you want them to be. People don't become who you want them to be and if who they are right here right now is not working, you need to let that person go regardless of love.

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20 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

This is one of those things where your gf showed her true colors and they aren't pretty. No amount of love or wanting to move past this is doing to change her character and personality.

The way she behaved toward your father's partner was completely out of line. As if that's not enough, she refuses to acknowledge that and is now sabotaging her relationship with you and punishing you personally for her issues and bad attitude.

I'm afraid that this relationship is really a life lesson for you that love is not enough. Character, personality, manners - these things matter and it takes time to learn whether your partner has what it takes or not. There comes a point where you do need to remove the love goggles, aka emotions, and deal with reality, who the person actually is v. who you want them to be. People don't become who you want them to be and if who they are right here right now is not working, you need to let that person go regardless of love.

Thanks for your reply. I understand where you’re coming from but for me personally not having my current gf as part of my future isn’t an option. She’ll always be a part of my life no matter what. I just want to get out of this rut that we’re stuck in. 

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She seems very quick on the responses and flighty. This could be a lot of stress going on in her life and things topsy turvy. Home-life is not good for her and it appears quite stable for you. If you care about her say nothing about "fight, fight, fight"-ing for the relationshp and just it rest for awhile. I don't mean pull back as in crickets. Just be there and don't make a big fuss about her highs and lows. Both of you keep reacting to things like a domino effect. Slow things down.

The next time someone confides in you (related to your dad or his partner or your girlfriend or separate parties), keep it to yourself. You can take that information and screen out what's bs or ok and respond after you process fully what's going on. 

Another person I wanted to mention is your dad. He wants to please everyone (or rather, not piss anyone off) so reassure him that you've got your personal issues handled. He doesn't need to keep offering his home all the time. He's showing hospitality and being kind. It doesn't mean he should be taken up, literally, on every offer. Set limits and boundaries in the way you redirect your relationship with your girlfriend. If you don't sense like she's ready to spend more time at your dad's house, don't have her over. Relationships don't have to instantly repair themselves. It takes time. 

Stop reacting so much to your dad, his partner and your gf and see how things go in the coming weeks. If your girlfriend opts out of the relationship or feels like it's too much you have to respect that. Regardless of what's going on in her life, she can make that decision not to be with you too.

 

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1 hour ago, Adam7658934 said:

Thanks for your reply. I would love to move into her place or move into a place of our own but i think that right now she has her worries- understandably. With regards to talking it out i think that the underlying anger that still surrounds the situation would be recipe for disaster. I just want to draw a line under it and be able to move forward.

Relationships don’t really work that way - just drawing a line in the sand and moving forward. Not when this much occurred between several people/family members. There are reasons that this happened and if you and your gf don’t work to understand the underlying causes then you can’t work on addressing those issues and actually being able to move forward in your relationship. And do you really want to spend the rest of your life or at least the next several years with your gf and your father and his partner at odds with one another?

I think your gf needs to apologize for the things she did that were wrong and disrespectful as that is what is right and just in this situation and perhaps the partner should do the same if they also stepped over the line and said inappropriate things. But, as Rose said, perhaps let the dust settle a bit first and don’t go into “save the relationship” mode just yet. Relax a little. Consider everything that happened and your part in it. And how you can both go forward from this point. Once things have calmed down a little, try talking things out with your gf and seeing if there is an opportunity for all 4 of your to talk in a safe space. It doesn’t have to be for the purpose of her moving back in, but it would be good tk restore some harmony if you all want to be in each other’s lives without issue going forward.

Edited by LotusBlack
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To be honest to me it sounds like your girlfriend is kind of immature. First of all I think she should have acted more respectful towards your Dad's partner because it was their house and your Dad and his partner are older than her. It was really nice of your Dad and his partner to let her stay with you and she could have acted a bit more grateful. However not everyone can get along and click and unfortunately some people do just clash. It looks like your girlfriend and your Dad's partner just don't have a connection and just don't get along. This happens sometimes but the point was that your girlfriend just had to act polite because it was their house. It's not good to act rudely to people who are actually hosting and letting her stay in their home.

It sounds like your girlfriend is blaming you for what happened and pulling away from you and withholding sex. This is immature because it's not your fault what happened. She shouldn't be blaming you for it. If anything it's more her fault that she had fights with your Dad's partner. She can't keep holding this over you and she just has to move on. As adults it's better for you both to have your own place anyway and not live with parents.

 

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3 hours ago, Adam7658934 said:

I just want to get out of this rut that we’re stuck in. 

Does she want this? Has she come to you and said she'd like to move past this, restore harmony? Has she offered any solutions or expressed any specific needs in connection to getting there? 

I ask all that because, going from what you've written, it sounds like she is opting to deepen and expand the rut rather than look for ways out of it. That's her choice, and not something you can "fight" extra hard to change. Relationships only really work when two people are aiming at roughly the same target, you know? 

In your shoes right now? I'd make it clear to her, as I think you already have, that you'd like to work through this and listen to her thoughts and feelings about how to do so. Then I'd step back a bit, per some above comments, and let her meet you there. Or not.

In the meantime, I'd do a bit of reflecting on what she has shown you about herself in terms of how she handles conflict. Is she generally someone prone to such impulsive emotional reactions? Is she someone who holds grudges—with friends, with family, with waiters who forget to bring the appetizer? Is she going through anything in life these days that would shorten her fuse? 

You know her better than us, of course. That said, try not to let all your ideas of her, and you and her, block out what she is showing you right now. This is a part of her too. 

 

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Not to sound harsh, but I think the bottom line is you simply can't play house in someone else's home.   At first it may seem as the perfect set-up yet when all is said and done, they likely feel that you're invading their space/privacy.

In short, it rarely ends well when one moves a SO into their parent/parents home.  Maybe it's time to look at both sides of the issues while she was living there?

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You can only fix things with a person that wants to also fix things. 

It's impossible to just draw a line under something and just move on.  All that does is fester resentment and the relationship suffers and ultimately ends.  

People will do what you allow them to do.  Your girlfriend sounds like she will do what she wants.  She was not liking her house, so she moved to yours.  Then when that got hard, she went back to her family.  

that is not resolving anything.  That's letting things cool and coming back.  No changed behavior, no airing of grievances, not commitment to working together.  

It is immature but it is how she deals with things and not a healthy relationship.  You can't over compensate for someone's lack of maturity in how to act.  As a house guest, as a partner or anything.  Somethings, I have learned, cannot be explained to people. 

Your Dad is probably trying his best for you.  That's love for you.  And you should appreciate that and make sure his kindness is not being taken advantage of by people you bring into the home.  

I think if this girl is pulling away from you, back at her house, not being affectionate, putting you at arms length, let her.  Find better.  

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Thanks everyone for the time you’ve taken to reply I’ve read everything at least two times over! 
 

Us not being together isn’t an option for me. The person that I see is incredibly loving and caring towards me and right now is struggling with things outside of our relationship as well. Maybe I need to give her some space but I also don’t want her to distance herself from me like she has done her own friends so feel like I have to put effort in just so she’s okay and knows that she’s not on her own. 
 

Despite some of the replies I’m not at all interested in ending the relationship that was never the answer I was looking for! Just wanted some opinions/help on how I could make things better for us, her and me. 
 

Thanks again 

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This is one of those life's lessons...not everyone is going to get along. But this can be resolved. Your GF needs to step up and apologize to your dad's partner for her behavior...once she owns it, things will calm down, there will be respect in the air, and things will be right again.

 

 

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Give her some space. Give your dad and his partner some space also. Your gf might feel more comfortable without you trying to help things along so hard. Give her the benefit of the doubt. I really doubt you'd see yourself with someone obstinate and rude, yes? While the relationship isn't ending to you right now, you can't always control the outcome or your own reaction to others later on (whether you both find you're not compatible). 

 

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I have loved my share of Self Entitled Brats (SEBs,) and they certainly shatter the myth of 'unconditional love'.

They have plenty of conditions--and you are allowed none. Including a reasonable expectation that the SEB might rise to putting themselves out a tad to demonstrate appreciation toward a host who has allowed them room and board in their home.

You can tap dance and pretzel yourself all you want for your SEB, but rather than appease her, you are creating an even more devourous monster who will continue to play the slightest real or imagined injury to the hilt.

Enjoy the misery, because there will be plenty more of that the longer you cater to the fiend.

Another option, and one that I've found to work well with SEBs, is to withdraw all attempts to appease, and tell her instead that despite her estimation, you DO own a modicum of self respect, and while you adore her, you are walking away to allow her to stew for as long as she wants. If she ever decides that she'd like to pursue a loving-but-equal partnership with you, she knows where to find you. If you are still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up.

Head high, and read my sig.

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