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Almost 2 months of NC, can barely take it anymore


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Hello friends,

 

Firstly let me say that I am not in a great mood right now. I drank a little too much and I am super sad so I will write this topic to vent.

 

I just miss my ex girl of 6 months so much. So so much. She dumped me 7 and a half weeks ago, 8 weeks coming Sunday. It was the worst breakup of my life.

Let me tell you how the relationship was, a bit strange. I am from Northern Europe. She is from Latin America. She is here for 4 years to do a study that is available in my country as one of the only places in the world.

English is neither of our native languages. I happen to know a bit of Spanish, her native language, from my work related travels to South America. That among other things made us click right after we met. She was a super amazing and beautiful girl. We dated for two months until our relationship was official. Which was a little too soon maybe in retrospect. But it happened anyway so. She was the one who wanted to be official by the way.

Our relationship seemed so great. I would show her around the country and teach her a little of our native language. She is in an international school so she doesn't hang around much of the native people here.

While she was here our relationship was almost perfect. We spent much time together and had super great times with eachother. We texted everyday and called alot, which in retrospect might have been a little too much.

It all went downhill last years December, she had to go to her home country for two months and also in that time she went to another European country for some kind of internship for her study. This meant we had to do long distance for about two months.

 

I was against this idea from the start. I was understanding in the regard she wanted to see her family and she had to leave but it made me super sad because I had to miss her for two months which is a lot in my opinion.

She assured me we would be okay and that we would make that together and we agreed to call multiple times a week to check up on eachother. I knew I had no choice to accept the situation so I did. Turns out my gut feeling was right, more on that later.

I brought her to the airport, kissed her goodbye and I think she said I love you when she left. I told her that many times before but this was the first time she said it to me. When I drove home I was super sad but also hopefull and I thought we would make it.

 

Before she left, she gave me an early christmas present which was a coffee mug with our picture together on it, also she gave me a jar with sweet and loving notes and I was supposed to open one everyday while she was gone. This was such a great and sweet gift and it meant a lot to me.

The first month of long distance went pretty well I must say. Despite the time difference we facetime a lot.

She even sent me a package from her home country with a super nice t shirt with a symbol from her home country which represented prosperity. I wore the shirt a lot and it had great emotional value to me. Along with it was a super sweet letter about how I was the greatest man she mad and that kind of stuff.

 

Now we go to the second month of long distance, last January. She came back to another European country in the South. She spent a month there. At first everything seemed okay. But midway that month I could notice something was off. She barely initiated contact and we called only 3 times that month. Which is way too little for me. So notice the difference between the first and second month of long distance.

 

I confronted her about this because I am not letting someone walk over me. First time she said I shouldn't care about that, and she was hurt because I made a huge deal about her getting a male roommate when she would come back here. I definitely acted out of proportion and I was way too jealous. But she cared about my opinion so she called me to get my opinion on the fact she might get a male roommate. I acted not angry but I defenitely wasn't that nice to her about it. I see that now.

 

BUT later on I realized that was a mistake and I told her I was sorry about my behaviour and that I wouldn't mind if she got a male roommate. I thought that incident was the reason she didn't want to talk as much, but it was a one time incident and I changed my behaviour after that and was way more understanding and she told me she could notice and was super happy about it.

 

Then the week before she came back, she didn't change her behaviour and we had little communication. I again told her about that and that it made me feel sad and not appreciated. I wasn't angry or anything I told her my feelings about that and that it's important to have good communication in a long distance relation.

At first she said I shouldn't care but after I gave no reaction for a while, then she started calling me and wrote a lot of messages about how she screwed up and that she neglected our relationship.

 

Notice this was her first relationship and she thought it would only and always be roses and sunshine but relationships require work from both partners. She told me she was so sorry and would work hard to earn my love. I told her not to beat herself up about it and that I was still super happy that she came back and everything would be better when she was here again.

 

She told me she would never break up with me and that she wasn't going to let that happen.

 

It wouldn't be. We agreed to talk about it in person. I picked her up from the airport after two months and I brought her flowers and gave her the best homecoming she could get. At her place we talked about it in person one time more. She told me she had low self esteem and self sabotaging behaviour. She thought sometimes that she didn't deserve a relationship and stuff like that. I don't know if that is true, I don't know if her words were lies or not. She said she was scared to be in love because she was afraid to lose people close to her.

 

But it is indeed true she had low self esteem, I could notice that before she left. She talked to a psycholigist once every two weeks.

 

Two days later we watched a movie, that faithful day is almost 8 weeks ago now. I could notice since I picked her up that she was a little off. After whe finished that movie she told me she thought this wasn't going to work anymore. I remained pretty calm and asked her if this was a breakup. She said no, but she said during her time away that she didn't have feelings for me anymore and she didn't love me anymore. I became a little angry and said that all her words during our talk were lies.

 

She barely said anything besides ''I am sorry''. I was crying, not uncontrollaby or hard but just tears of sadness. I asked if we could make it work again and she said she didn't think so. This was the end of our 6 months long relationship, not too long I know. She just looked at me emotionless and I couldn't recognize her anymore.

Now it is easy to think she met someone else while she was away, but I do not think that is the case, she is a very shy girl and I was her first relationship. She is not the type to be cheating and go behind my back. I am pretty sure of that.

She really wanted to know if I got home safe and insisted I send her a message when I did. I did not, and she sent me a message saying she just wanted to know if I got home. I replied with just ''yes''. She sent me a long message saying she was sorry we had to end like this and that she doesn't know what is wrong with her and that she still cared for me a lot and wanted to remain friends.

Now post breakup, I left all my gifts from her, the shirt, the mug with our picture and the notes at her place, didn't keep any of it.

 

Now luckily I read a lot of posts about breakups and saw NC is the best option. I immediately told her I don't want to be friends with her and I removed her on social media and told her not to message me anymore and that she broke my heart. But luckily I never begged or pleaded with her. I never did any of that bad stuff.

 

It is almost 8 weeks now and I still feel so bad about this. I really think the long distance killed our relationship. It is like another girl back. Before she left she told me she was so in love and she never felt like that before. She made alot of promises in the notes like all the places she wanted to visit with me and she really wanted to visit her home country with me.

This is by far the worst breakup I ever had, for me it came out of the blue and she did a complete 180 degree turn. There were some signs at the end but when I confronted her about it she told me she was so sorry and she wanted to repair our relationship.

 

Why do I still think of her after 7 weeks? I know I am not over her. But I do not love her anymore I really hate her. For everything she did to me, all the false hope, all the false promises. But I remained strong and never contacted her again after the breakup. But I had strong urges to do so, even now. I want her to know how bad I feel and how heartless it is to dump someone like that. I even wanted to send her all kinds of Donald Trump stuff because he has a dislike for her home country.

Don't get me wrong I do not support him but I just wanted to say things to hurt her. That is pretty childish I know but I never actually did it, but thought of doing so. I still miss her so much. Why did we have to end like this?

 

Should I keep doing no contact or message her since some time has passed by? How would she feel right now? Thanks in advance friends, from a heartbroken man.

 

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Do not contact her. There is no reason to do so. And definitely do not engage in any type of revenge behaviors. That will do nothing except possibly get you slapped with a harassment complaint.

It's only been 8 weeks. Give yourself a break and don't think you should be "over it" by now. These things take time. But if you contact her it will be like starting the breakup all over again and you don't need that.

Be kind to yourself. 

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Hello,

I thing you have gotten attached pretty quickly to this woman. And, it's better not to write her back. That'll make you look too needy of her, and won't help you at all in this situation. You don't need her. You think you do, but you don't. You'll find another woman who will appreciate you and treat you right. In the meanwhile, talking to a therapist could help. Also, try new hobbies/talk to a friend to release the stress.

I wish you well.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do not contact her. There is no reason to do so. And definitely do not engage in any type of revenge behaviors. That will do nothing except possibly get you slapped with a harassment complaint.

It's only been 8 weeks. Give yourself a break and don't think you should be "over it" by now. These things take time. But if you contact her it will be like starting the breakup all over again and you don't need that.

Be kind to yourself. 

True words, I think it is the best but I still feel so ***. Yes revenge is bad and I thought about it but I never actually did it. She doesn't know anything about how I am doing or about how I feel because I do no contact. Until now I did well with that but it keeps being hard. I wonder if she is thinking about me and if she ever will message me.

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Sorry this happened. You seem like a sincere man. Your English is excellent, by the way.

Your feelings ranging from hurt, missing her to anger are all normal. 

It sounds like she really cared for you but her visit home, family, friends, whatever made her grow cold. Let it be and reflect. Don't reach out to her, let her come to you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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5 hours ago, Umadbroyolo said:

. It is like another girl back. Before she left she told me she was so in love and she never felt like that before. She made alot of promises in the notes like all the places she wanted to visit with me and she really wanted to visit her home country with me.

- Yes, she told you all of this stuff- I believe she did so, because at that time, she kinda believed it as well... But realized she just couldn't do it.

This is why....

She told me she had low self esteem and self sabotaging behaviour. She thought sometimes that she didn't deserve a relationship and stuff like that. I don't know if that is true, I don't know if her words were lies or not. She said she was scared to be in love because she was afraid to lose people close to her.'

 

5 hours ago, Umadbroyolo said:

Why do I still think of her after 7 weeks? I know I am not over her. But I do not love her anymore I really hate her. For everything she did to me, all the false hope, all the false promises. But I remained strong and never contacted her again after the breakup

- There is always a fine line between love & hate.  Is because you did feel a lot for her.. and because everything failed and you are feeling so hurt, you feel this anger.

 

5 hours ago, Umadbroyolo said:

 

 

5 hours ago, Umadbroyolo said:

I want her to know how bad I feel and how heartless it is to dump someone like that. I even wanted to send her all kinds of Donald Trump stuff because he has a dislike for her home country.

You are hurting a lot but do NOT do something you will regret...

No one who has a real heart will try to hurt us on purpose... but also, we cannot 'make 'someone love us.

Is hard, I know, but we have no choice but to work on accepting it.

It has only been 7 weeks.. will obviously take some time for you to work through all of this.. so no, do not contact her.. She has to accept what is, as well as you.

You need to remain ad a distance now to work on YOU.  To accept and heal from this experience.. this takes time

How about ways to vent?  Go pound a pillow,, go for a walk.. journal - get it out another way.

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I'm really sorry all this happened and you are so heartbroken. They do say time heals all wounds though. I think you just need more time and to focus on other things as much as possible. Do you have any hobbies and interests you could do to try to take your mind off your ex? 

I think dating someone who has never been in a relationship can be bad in the sense that the person might just be projecting on you and think they love you because they've never been with anyone else. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it doesn't really sound like this girl was truly in love with you. If she was then even being long distance wouldn't have changed her feelings. I think that maybe she just got swept up in her first ever relationship and thought it was love because it's exciting to be in a relationship and to experience that for the first time. It can't be real love if it was an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of thing for her. Once she was away she lost feelings for you. That's not how real love works.

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14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You seem like a sincere man. Your English is excellent, by the way.

Your feelings ranging from hurt, missing her to anger are all normal. 

It sounds like she really cared for you but her visit home, family, friends, whatever made her grow cold. Let it be and reflect. Don't reach out to her, let her come to you.

Thanks for your response! Yes in my country we learn English in high school and because I travel a lot it is important to be fluent.

At first I thought something was wrong with me since I didn't feel like that in my previous breakup. That is what I thought too, that the long distance and her going back is what killed the relationship. Sometimes there are hardships in a relation but she even told me she thought it would only be sunshine and roses and stuff. She had pink glasses on. It didn't help it was her first relationship.

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8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

- Yes, she told you all of this stuff- I believe she did so, because at that time, she kinda believed it as well... But realized she just couldn't do it.

This is why....

She told me she had low self esteem and self sabotaging behaviour. She thought sometimes that she didn't deserve a relationship and stuff like that. I don't know if that is true, I don't know if her words were lies or not. She said she was scared to be in love because she was afraid to lose people close to her.'

 

- There is always a fine line between love & hate.  Is because you did feel a lot for her.. and because everything failed and you are feeling so hurt, you feel this anger.

 

 

You are hurting a lot but do NOT do something you will regret...

No one who has a real heart will try to hurt us on purpose... but also, we cannot 'make 'someone love us.

Is hard, I know, but we have no choice but to work on accepting it.

It has only been 7 weeks.. will obviously take some time for you to work through all of this.. so no, do not contact her.. She has to accept what is, as well as you.

You need to remain ad a distance now to work on YOU.  To accept and heal from this experience.. this takes time

How about ways to vent?  Go pound a pillow,, go for a walk.. journal - get it out another way.

Yes that is true, they always say what they feel in that exact moment, hence why I am pretty curious about how she is feeling right now. But nevermind I will probably never know. I just need some time and I go on walks almost everyday as a means of venting. It helps.

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8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I'm really sorry all this happened and you are so heartbroken. They do say time heals all wounds though. I think you just need more time and to focus on other things as much as possible. Do you have any hobbies and interests you could do to try to take your mind off your ex? 

I think dating someone who has never been in a relationship can be bad in the sense that the person might just be projecting on you and think they love you because they've never been with anyone else. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it doesn't really sound like this girl was truly in love with you. If she was then even being long distance wouldn't have changed her feelings. I think that maybe she just got swept up in her first ever relationship and thought it was love because it's exciting to be in a relationship and to experience that for the first time. It can't be real love if it was an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of thing for her. Once she was away she lost feelings for you. That's not how real love works.

I know, it might have been more of infatuation. But it is so sour that she was acting like she was so in love and two months of long distance ruined that. But also she told me she thought relationships would only be rose colored and positive things and of course that is not the case. I believe hardships make a relationship stronger. She also is young and watched tons of romantic movies and series so maybe that ruined her perception as well. I will never know.

But I think you are right overall. Best to just leave her alone and try to forget her. Yes I love travelling but that is a little hard now with the corona. I visit my friends a lot and I work on my motorcycle so I can keep my mind on other things but still I think about her a lot.

So strange how it can go from her giving me a mug with our picture and I love you and sending me a emotional valuable shirt and a few weeks later it is a breakup. Thanks for your advice friend.

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