Not sure what to do about this friendship, part 2

[Tinydance]

So I've made a post about my friend Rachael* before. I think it's important to know the back story so if you could please read my previous post:

So basically after all that happened before, I actually distanced myself from Rachael. She could tell and our mutual friend said she was really stressed and upset about it. She tried contacting me a few times saying she really values our friendship and she wanted to talk and try to work it out. We had a face-to-face private conversation and she said she doesn't mean to be mean or rude but she's just a blunt person and says what she thinks. Anyway so we moved on from that and bluntness wise I think she has improved to be fair.

Also I should point out that Rachael had organised a number of various dinners at different restaurants she wanted to try and one of our close friends didn't want to go to some of them, but I went to all. 

About two months ago Rachael decided she wants to lose weight and she started going to the gym a few times a week and went on a very strict diet. She mainly only ate pre-made high protein meals that she had delivered. The thing is in two months she only lost 5 kg (2.5 pounds) because I don't think she was following the diet that strictly. That part is none of my concern really but here is my issue. The last two months Rachael had been declining a lot of my invitations out saying she's trying to stick to her diet and doesn't want to get tempted. Which is no problem. 

One time I invited her and a male friend to go to a singles board games event at a bar. She said she wanted to go and bought her ticket to the event. She has anxiety about catching public transport but our male friend lives close to her and was going to pick her up at home and drive her back too. Then like only one or two hours before the event, Rachael said she won't be coming because she'd previously cheated and not followed her diet, and she didn't want to get tempted. I didn't really say anything that time.

Then last weekend I invited Rachael and my best friend Belinda to come with me to a comedy show which is part of an international comedy festival we have here. I invited them two weeks in advance and Rachael agreed to come. I actually had free tickets which I can get through a $35 annual membership with a promo event company that I have. But the actual comedy show tickets cost $35 each. I was able to only get three tickets for free.

Prior to this Rachael told me that she's cheated on her diet by having doughnuts, wine and pizza at home a few times.

On the day of the comedy show, only four hours in advance Rachael messaged and said she won't be coming because she's cheated on her diet and if she goes out she'll want to buy alcohol and something to eat, and she didn't want to get tempted. I tried to ask Rachael it was anything to do with her anxiety about getting public transport there on her own and that she can just be honest if it was. She said she was upset that I didn't believe her and that the real reason was her diet.

After that I was really annoyed because I have a lot of friends and I could have asked lots of other people to come to the show. While the tickets were free, I have access to them because I have a paid membership with this free promo company. Also Rachael didn't even apologise for cancelling because of her diet until I said I was annoyed about it. All she said was "am sorry". 

I tried talking to her about it on Facebook Messenger tonight that I was upset about what happened. I said that I want to be supportive if it's her mental health, but if it's the diet it's not really an excuse. I said it's her responsibility to follow that diet if she wants to be on it. I said she's been eating junk food and drinking at home by her own choice but then cancelling on events we had together. She said she would need to speak to her therapist first before replying because what I said was just too distressing. So it seemed to me like once again she just doesn't think she acted rude and is playing the victim.

 

 

[DancingFool]

I mean.... are you just venting or are you looking for advice and if so what about exactly?

She is still the same toxic person and isn't going to change no matter how much you talk to her about it. What you see is what you get. 

If you feel stuck dealing with her because of the group thing, then do demote her to acquaintance and do treat her like the flake that she is. Meaning, only invite her to events where whether she comes or doesn't, really doesn't matter one way or the other. Where reliability is important, like tickets to scheduled events, for the love of, invite only friends you can actually count on to show up and be good company.

She acts like a total b$ch and you seem compelled to pretzel yourself to please her not only to your own detriment but also to the detriment of your other friendships. Why is that?

[Rose Mosse]

Leave her out of the invitations from now on especially the ones where there are complications with tickets or rsvps. Ask other more reliable friends to go with you.

It sounds like she has issues beyond friendships so I'd let it go and not place any more importance on whether she shows up or not to outtings and events. She would be welcome to come to anything that's more of a group setting and more casual but not for other types of events. 

 

[SooSad33]

I agree.  Stop inviting her to things like that.  Invite others you know who would go, if they say they will.

You know she has issue's, so stop trying so hard with her or expecting much with her.  You are aware of her reactions & excuses.

With anxiety, one often needs time to 'mentally prep' to go places etc.  I have had times I wanted to plan to do something, but if anxiety took hold, I couldn't do it 😕 .

I was on meds a good while for anxiety & it kinda helped.

But, you know how she is now. So maybe lessen expectations with her.. instability.

[Hollyj]

12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So I've made a post about my friend Rachael* before. I think it's important to know the back story so if you could please read my previous post:

So basically after all that happened before, I actually distanced myself from Rachael. She could tell and our mutual friend said she was really stressed and upset about it. She tried contacting me a few times saying she really values our friendship and she wanted to talk and try to work it out. We had a face-to-face private conversation and she said she doesn't mean to be mean or rude but she's just a blunt person and says what she thinks. Anyway so we moved on from that and bluntness wise I think she has improved to be fair.

Also I should point out that Rachael had organised a number of various dinners at different restaurants she wanted to try and one of our close friends didn't want to go to some of them, but I went to all. 

About two months ago Rachael decided she wants to lose weight and she started going to the gym a few times a week and went on a very strict diet. She mainly only ate pre-made high protein meals that she had delivered. The thing is in two months she only lost 5 kg (2.5 pounds) because I don't think she was following the diet that strictly. That part is none of my concern really but here is my issue. The last two months Rachael had been declining a lot of my invitations out saying she's trying to stick to her diet and doesn't want to get tempted. Which is no problem. 

One time I invited her and a male friend to go to a singles board games event at a bar. She said she wanted to go and bought her ticket to the event. She has anxiety about catching public transport but our male friend lives close to her and was going to pick her up at home and drive her back too. Then like only one or two hours before the event, Rachael said she won't be coming because she'd previously cheated and not followed her diet, and she didn't want to get tempted. I didn't really say anything that time.

Then last weekend I invited Rachael and my best friend Belinda to come with me to a comedy show which is part of an international comedy festival we have here. I invited them two weeks in advance and Rachael agreed to come. I actually had free tickets which I can get through a $35 annual membership with a promo event company that I have. But the actual comedy show tickets cost $35 each. I was able to only get three tickets for free.

Prior to this Rachael told me that she's cheated on her diet by having doughnuts, wine and pizza at home a few times.

On the day of the comedy show, only four hours in advance Rachael messaged and said she won't be coming because she's cheated on her diet and if she goes out she'll want to buy alcohol and something to eat, and she didn't want to get tempted. I tried to ask Rachael it was anything to do with her anxiety about getting public transport there on her own and that she can just be honest if it was. She said she was upset that I didn't believe her and that the real reason was her diet.

After that I was really annoyed because I have a lot of friends and I could have asked lots of other people to come to the show. While the tickets were free, I have access to them because I have a paid membership with this free promo company. Also Rachael didn't even apologise for cancelling because of her diet until I said I was annoyed about it. All she said was "am sorry". 

I tried talking to her about it on Facebook Messenger tonight that I was upset about what happened. I said that I want to be supportive if it's her mental health, but if it's the diet it's not really an excuse. I said it's her responsibility to follow that diet if she wants to be on it. I said she's been eating junk food and drinking at home by her own choice but then cancelling on events we had together. She said she would need to speak to her therapist first before replying because what I said was just too distressing. So it seemed to me like once again she just doesn't think she acted rude and is playing the victim.

 

 

I do not understand why you have anything to do with this person? You have no right to complain about this woman, as you know who she is.  Everyone advised you to be done.

 I also don't understand your great interest in her diet?   

 

[boltnrun]

Why is it so vital for you to have this person in your life?

Do the positives she brings outweigh all the negative BS you have to put up with?

[Tinydance]

54 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I do not understand why you have anything to do with this person? You have no right to complain about this woman, as you know who she is.  Everyone advised you to be done.

 I also don't understand your great interest in her diet?   

 

Actually I'm not interested in her diet but it's only in relation to what's been going on. She has cancelled on an event I invited her to at very short notice at least twice and she said that it's because she's on a diet and she doesn't want to get tempted to drink alcohol or eat something that's not part of her diet plan. But she told me herself that just at home she's been cheating on her diet and eating things like doughnuts, pizza and drinking wine. She hasn't actually lost much weight in two months because I don't think she's even been following this so called diet that much.

So the reason why I'm upset is because I got her a free ticket to the comedy event and I specifically got that for her and best friend Belinda. I could get only three tickets for free and I chose to get it for Rachael and not any of my other friends. Then she cancelled at very short notice on the day and kept naming her diet as the reason. I was really annoyed because she's a nearly 40-year-old woman and it's her responsibility to follow that diet if she wants to be on it. She said she'd cheated on her diet too much and that's why wouldn't go to the event. I actually tried to be supportive and ask if it was due to her anxiety. She said she was upset that I suspect her of lying and the real reason is the diet! Which is a completely bs excuse because she doesn't even really follow it.

[Tinydance]

51 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why is it so vital for you to have this person in your life?

Do the positives she brings outweigh all the negative BS you have to put up with?

Well now I'm definitely thinking no. I'm really starting to think that she's self absorbed because when she bails on events at the last second she didn't even apologise. When someone acts rude but they don't even apologise that shows to me that they think their behaviour is normal.

[Hollyj]

44 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Actually I'm not interested in her diet but it's only in relation to what's been going on. She has cancelled on an event I invited her to at very short notice at least twice and she said that it's because she's on a diet and she doesn't want to get tempted to drink alcohol or eat something that's not part of her diet plan. But she told me herself that just at home she's been cheating on her diet and eating things like doughnuts, pizza and drinking wine. She hasn't actually lost much weight in two months because I don't think she's even been following this so called diet that much.

So the reason why I'm upset is because I got her a free ticket to the comedy event and I specifically got that for her and best friend Belinda. I could get only three tickets for free and I chose to get it for Rachael and not any of my other friends. Then she cancelled at very short notice on the day and kept naming her diet as the reason. I was really annoyed because she's a nearly 40-year-old woman and it's her responsibility to follow that diet if she wants to be on it. She said she'd cheated on her diet too much and that's why wouldn't go to the event. I actually tried to be supportive and ask if it was due to her anxiety. She said she was upset that I suspect her of lying and the real reason is the diet! Which is a completely bs excuse because she doesn't even really follow it.

But, why are you inviting her to anything.  I don't get it!   

You have written two long threads complaining about this woman.  Why are you exposing yourself to all of this drama?  You know who she is.  I am sorry, but you have no one to blame but yourself.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

So the reason why I'm upset is because I got her a free ticket to the comedy event and I specifically got that for her and best friend Belinda. I could get only three tickets for free and I chose to get it for Rachael and not any of my other friends. Then she cancelled at very short notice on the day and kept naming her diet as the reason. I was really annoyed because she's a nearly 40-year-old woman and it's her responsibility to follow that diet if she wants to be on it. She said she'd cheated on her diet too much and that's why wouldn't go to the event. I actually tried to be supportive and ask if it was due to her anxiety. She said she was upset that I suspect her of lying and the real reason is the diet! Which is a completely bs excuse because she doesn't even really follow it.

Soosad mentioned lowering expectations and it may be for the best. You're holding her to a high standard, possibly your standards in a friendship which are fine for you or others you know, but are way too above and beyond for her to comprehend. She just doesn't get it and it's okay to let go.. 

She may be latching onto a diet regime for a sense of importance like how people have other habits or take up other things to be part of a club. It doesn't really matter though. What matters is that she can't follow through. Feeling disappointed is okay. We can only learn from this and adjust.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Hollyj said:

But, why are you inviting her to anything.  I don't get it!   

You have written two long threads complaining about this woman.  Why are you exposing yourself to all of this drama?  You know who she is.  I am sorry, but you have no one to blame but yourself.

Well I've been friends with her for about three years now and I wanted to end the friendship before, but she was really upset and wanted to work it out. So I gave her another chance. But you're right of course and the best thing probably is just to end the friendship.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Soosad mentioned lowering expectations and it may be for the best. You're holding her to a high standard, possibly your standards in a friendship which are fine for you or others you know, but are way too above and beyond for her to comprehend. She just doesn't get it and it's okay to let go.. 

She may be latching onto a diet regime for a sense of importance like how people have other habits or take up other things to be part of a club. It doesn't really matter though. What matters is that she can't follow through. Feeling disappointed is okay. We can only learn from this and adjust.

Well I don't want to invite her to any more events and after that interstate trip I also never wanted to go on a trip with her again. So that's probably not a friendship at this point then so I guess I have to end it.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm not sure that will go over well. How do you mean end it? Is it possible to just quietly go about your business with other friends and welcome her to other more group outting/casual hang outs?

[Hollyj]

Her actions clearly show she is not invested.  You're assuming she feels as you.  Always follow the actions.  

You have only been friends for 3 years.  

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm not sure that will go over well. How do you mean end it? Is it possible to just quietly go about your business with other friends and welcome her to other more group outting/casual hang outs?

No I mean I don't actually want to invite her to anything, I want to actually end the friendship. I don't want to hang out with her at all.

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Her actions clearly show she is not invested.  You're assuming she feels as you.  Always follow the actions.  

You have only been friends for 3 years.  

Yes you're right because I've known my other friends for like ten and twenty years. So it's not actually that long in the grand scheme of things.

[Batya33]

Being supportive when someone chooses to diet means understanding if the person doesn't want to hear about your foodie adventures, or have you ply her with treats, etc.  When a friend chooses to diet, that friend doesn't get a pass of flaking out because at the last minute she decides it will be too tempting.  No excuse to be unreliable or flaky.  I would feel differently is heaven forbid she was ill and was required to stick to a strict diet, or was going through chemo and had trouble meeting for a meal when she felt sick -of course! Tons of people diet and act reliably - they either decline the invitation outright or they bring their own food, or eat before so they won't be tempted, etc. Her behavior is bizarre and you're not being supportive by being a doormat about it.  You're just letting her take advantage of you.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Being supportive when someone chooses to diet means understanding if the person doesn't want to hear about your foodie adventures, or have you ply her with treats, etc.  When a friend chooses to diet, that friend doesn't get a pass of flaking out because at the last minute she decides it will be too tempting.  No excuse to be unreliable or flaky.  I would feel differently is heaven forbid she was ill and was required to stick to a strict diet, or was going through chemo and had trouble meeting for a meal when she felt sick -of course! Tons of people diet and act reliably - they either decline the invitation outright or they bring their own food, or eat before so they won't be tempted, etc. Her behavior is bizarre and you're not being supportive by being a doormat about it.  You're just letting her take advantage of you.

Well the thing also is, when we were going to the comedy show, myself and Belinda (my best friend and Rachael's roomate) were not even going to have dinner or drink alcohol at all. Belinda and I met for lunch and the comedy show was already starting at 6:00 p.m. so it was too early for dinner. After we watched the comedy we actually just went home. Rachael never even asked what our plans were regarding food or anything like that. She just messaged me at pretty short notice and no apology and just said she won't be coming because she's been cheating on her diet. What pissed me off is she told me herself she Eats doughnuts, pizza and drinks alcohol just at home and therefore hasn't been losing any weight. Keep in mind also that she wasn't even big, she was average sized. If she wants to be on a diet that is absolutely her choice but it's also her responsibility to actually follow that diet. I feel like maybe she just didn't feel like coming and she just needed an excuse. She always plays a victim too and said I was upsetting her that I don't believe she's telling the truth that it's because of her diet! Then I tried to talk to her about it politely on Facebook chat that I was upset and she said she won't reply to me until she speaks with her therapist because it's too distressing. And she didn't reply to me!

[Rose Mosse]

It's her thing so let her have it - whatever she needs to help her feel more in control or better about herself. I don't think it's about losing weight or not eating that stuff. It's something deeper and more psychological.

You have a lot of patience with her. Most people would glance over messages like that paired with the way she behaves and not respond anymore. You are too kind, Tiny.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well the thing also is, when we were going to the comedy show, myself and Belinda (my best friend and Rachael's roomate) were not even going to have dinner or drink alcohol at all. Belinda and I met for lunch and the comedy show was already starting at 6:00 p.m. so it was too early for dinner. After we watched the comedy we actually just went home. Rachael never even asked what our plans were regarding food or anything like that. She just messaged me at pretty short notice and no apology and just said she won't be coming because she's been cheating on her diet. What pissed me off is she told me herself she Eats doughnuts, pizza and drinks alcohol just at home and therefore hasn't been losing any weight. Keep in mind also that she wasn't even big, she was average sized. If she wants to be on a diet that is absolutely her choice but it's also her responsibility to actually follow that diet. I feel like maybe she just didn't feel like coming and she just needed an excuse. She always plays a victim too and said I was upsetting her that I don't believe she's telling the truth that it's because of her diet! Then I tried to talk to her about it politely on Facebook chat that I was upset and she said she won't reply to me until she speaks with her therapist because it's too distressing. And she didn't reply to me!

So I don't think you're taking the right approach in evaluating this.  it is completely irrelevant whether she sticks to her diet or not.  It is none of your business.  It's not her responsibility to follow any diet.  She can choose to follow it or not -it's her life, her body.  The point is not the diet.  The point is that she is being unreliable.  She is being unreliable because of something she can control - not an emergency reason.  She is obligated to keep a plan she makes unless there is an emergency or unless she tells you in advance she can only make a tentative plan so that you know you can ask someone else. 

Whether it's because she ends up being concerned about her diet, or because she decides last minute that she didn't get enough work done that day or her overflowing laundry is giving her anxiety - doesn't matter - what matters is she is behaving in an unreliable way multiple times.  It's not because of her diet.  It would be if she ate something bad and got sick, if she had an allergic reaction and had hives all over her body, etc. 

I'm puzzled as to why you're harping on her diet - it is her excuse whether or not you think she's not keeping her diet at other times -she is prioritizing her need to impulsively decide she can't handle being around food at that very moment over being a reliable person . I wouldn't be able to stomach those "priorities."  Who cares if she never keeps her diet otherwise?

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's her thing so let her have it - whatever she needs to help her feel more in control or better about herself. I don't think it's about losing weight or not eating that stuff. It's something deeper and more psychological.

You have a lot of patience with her. Most people would glance over messages like that paired with the way she behaves and not respond anymore. You are too kind, Tiny.

You're right, I probably am too kind. But I think I am going to end the friendship really for good this time because I'm seriously sick of it. I don't actually care that she's on a diet, that's none of my business and that is absolutely her choice. What pisses me off is that she's really rude and she doesn't even apologise. If someone bails to events I got them a ticket to at the last minute then the reason why they can't come has to be a good and valid reason. It has to be some kind of emergency or that they're sick or something. And even if they just can't be bothered going then they should at least lie that they're sick. Saying it's because she's been stuffing herself with junk food at home and now feels bad is a really bs excuse.

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So I don't think you're taking the right approach in evaluating this.  it is completely irrelevant whether she sticks to her diet or not.  It is none of your business.  It's not her responsibility to follow any diet.  She can choose to follow it or not -it's her life, her body.  The point is not the diet.  The point is that she is being unreliable.  She is being unreliable because of something she can control - not an emergency reason.  She is obligated to keep a plan she makes unless there is an emergency or unless she tells you in advance she can only make a tentative plan so that you know you can ask someone else. 

Whether it's because she ends up being concerned about her diet, or because she decides last minute that she didn't get enough work done that day or her overflowing laundry is giving her anxiety - doesn't matter - what matters is she is behaving in an unreliable way multiple times.  It's not because of her diet.  It would be if she ate something bad and got sick, if she had an allergic reaction and had hives all over her body, etc. 

I'm puzzled as to why you're harping on her diet - it is her excuse whether or not you think she's not keeping her diet at other times -she is prioritizing her need to impulsively decide she can't handle being around food at that very moment over being a reliable person . I wouldn't be able to stomach those "priorities."  Who cares if she never keeps her diet otherwise?

No I actually don't care but what I mean is when it's someone's own fault but they give it to you as an excuse that you're supposed to accept. E.g. If they stayed up all night watching TV or playing video games and then they back at the last second saying they're too tired because they stayed up all night. I very honestly don't care what she does with her diet and her body but she's now bailed on me probably three times with hardly any notice and no apology stating the diet as the reason. I'm only mentioning the diet because of that. The diet just as easily could have been anything else that she's using as an excuse.

[Hollyj]

You should not have reengaged with her.   Period.  

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Hollyj said:

You should not have reengaged with her.   Period.  

Yes you're right. I'm going to end the friendship now.

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, DancingFool said:

If you feel stuck dealing with her because of the group thing, then do demote her to acquaintance and do treat her like the flake that she is. Meaning, only invite her to events where whether she comes or doesn't, really doesn't matter one way or the other. Where reliability is important, like tickets to scheduled events, for the love of, invite only friends you can actually count on to show up and be good company.

I think this is the key right here. Balance.