Money advice - how not to let money ruin my relationship

[sundara.savdhan]

I am very anxious about what my partner spends money on from the amount he asks from me every month (600 USD) . He has a degree course to complete which takes a monthly portion of 200 which still leaves him with 400 for miscellaneous which he says are for subscriptions and mobile phone bills. I am taking care of rent, groceries, utilities etc., so I personally don't see why he asks for a standard 600 without a breakdown of expenses. What I feel is 400 is still a lot of money for any kind of subscription and mobile bills (combined) which would mean there is quite some sum left behind. Is he saving it privately or buying stuff without realizing the added expenses monthly? How do I ask him where is it spent and why do I end up giving a lot more than what is needed every month? I hope he is not in debt or paying old dues to someone else which I am not aware of. Very worried. Although I earn well, it's not justifying why I end up paying almost 1/4th of my salary to him. Any advice?

[Andrina]

Is this a spouse or bf? Why doesn't he work while attending school? If you can't have a discussion with him about issues, why is he your significant other?

[Batya33]

Why do you have this arrangement where you give him a monthly allowance? 

[sundara.savdhan]

He is my bf/ partner. We are a gay couple. Prior to lockdown last year, things were ok . Although at some point during our relationship due to income mismatch, he couldn't pay his dues but I didn't mind that . But ever since lockdown to keep up with his course work he asked for help and it's been going on since. He is a self employed psycho therapist who relies on customers finding him through his website and adverts . So I can understand especially during difficult times, there may not be enough clients to keep the business going or could be because of other potential competitors. I have no problem about his working skills and ethics because he is top class at that. The only issue here for me is the request for money which exceeds the needs. If he wasn't doing studies or anything earning, I still wouldn't mind that at all. I would be happy for him to do some voluntary work for charity and I would be happy to pay a nominal allowance per month. I also feel he is more of a spender than a saver although he might logically reason stuff with me to make me understand that it is an essential rather than a luxury. Once money goes off from me to his bank account, do I have the rights to ask him about a detailed split? 

[ironi]

I would sit down and get a pen and paper and go through everything. In a very casual way. It is common to sit down every now and then and go through your bills and see if you can go with a cheaper company etc. It shouldn't spark any argument as its common if you are living in the same house. You should also mention you want to save money for a 'holiday, home, etc whatever it is' So how much should you guys put aside each month? What alternatives could you switch up? This will allow you to dig a little deeper and have more open conversations on where the money is going.

[Rose Mosse]

Have an open conversation about it. You can be tactful but not roundabout. Keep it simple, clear and direct and just let him know that that sum is a lot and you'd like to know what he's spending it on. 

1/4 of your salary is a lot, OP. Think of your own financial health and where you could be putting that money. Also think long term and draw up a plan together of a timeline. This should not be indefinite. If client volume is low, he should be looking at other sources of income or ways to help bring in money. This could be a clash in personalities and incompatibility if he is too proud to take other kinds of jobs or think creatively about how to support the household also.

[smackie9]

 

I think you are too late to be asking where the money is going....you should have requested a regular monthly cost breakdown/receipts as part of the arrangement before both agreeing to it.

If you are not seeing him wearing new shoes, and expensive watch, I think you are ok, and at this point not worth worrying about.  He's going to finish his degree eventually, which I'm assuming that's not far off. So make it clear that he will be cut off, and set a specific date as to when this is going to happen.

[Blacksheep09]

A dynamic like this is not sustainable long term. As much as you try and be understanding and helpful eventually you will resent him for not pulling his weight. You could try and set boundaries with him. Try not to take on his problems as your own. Also your paving the way for how your relationship will be long term. He now expects you to pay for everything and give him money on top of that. Recipe for disaster in my opinion. Good luck though. You sound like a very sweet person. xoxo

 

[DancingFool]

No I don't think it's appropriate for you to question him about where he spends the money. You are not his dad and he is not your child.

That said, while it's nice of you to help him with tuition, ultimately he is an adult and should find or start actively looking for means to make money. So, in your shoes, I'd sit down with him and tell him very directly that while you were willing to help him out for a bit, this 600/mo cannot continue and isn't sustainable for you. Then give him a time line - for example, you can give x amount for 1-2 more months, but by then, he needs to find other means of financial income or some variation that you are actually comfortable with. I'd draw that limit and leave it at that and be firm about it. 

 

 

[sundara.savdhan]

Thanks everyone so far for your practical and comforting replies . I will have an open and honest discussion with him soon with all these points taken into account without hurting his feelings . I think all I need to get to is find a balance so both of us are happy in the relationship, not compromise mine to just make him feel comfortable. I keep telling myself that I do have the funds to provide him but then what does it mean in the long run..

[SooSad33]

If you supply him that 600, maybe lessen the amt you give him and keep 100 for groceries and tell him this.

Make sure he is not taking advantage of you re: the money.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, sundara.savdhan said:

Thanks everyone so far for your practical and comforting replies . I will have an open and honest discussion with him soon with all these points taken into account without hurting his feelings . I think all I need to get to is find a balance so both of us are happy in the relationship, not compromise mine to just make him feel comfortable. I keep telling myself that I do have the funds to provide him but then what does it mean in the long run..

What do  you mean you have the funds to provide him -all that means is that right now you have more money than he does.  What arrangements are you making to build your nest egg of savings and save for retirement? What if you lost your job or heaven forbid got sick or you had to give money to an ill family member? I think it's irrelevant you are  gay - other than perhaps you mean legal marriage is not available. I like Dancing fool's suggestion.

[sundara.savdhan]

Had the discussion once again but I don't think he completely understands my point of view, instead I end up feeling bad again for bringing it up. Although him assuring me that he is not taking advantage of me may be convincing enough , I personally feel that there is something not in the right place. May be it's my own worries and trust issues overpowering me to see him in a different(bad) light. 

I might have even indirectly tried to push him away in the past by saying I am not the right fit by putting myself down, but he doesn't let me wallow in that moody phase. I appreciate him for that. It's not totally under my control -my mind plays tricks but my heart knows that whatever is happening is not at all an issue.

I am not against him following his passion and do that for earning a living but there are other things as well he is good at which he could give a try parallelly but it appears that he is quite stubborn on his goals which may not be realistic. 

Also, I feel like I am doing most of the domestic chores . He doesn't say no to when I ask him to do stuff but I don't see any volunteering from his side which also makes me wonder that I may be taken for granted. Very confused. I know nobody is perfect but if I were me in his shoes, I would feel a bit delicate and run errands without having to be asked for it. 

[Wiseman2]

You're trying to buy his affection and control him with money. That makes you feel lousy about yourself,of course.

Stop talking about his allowance. You're treating him like a child/prostitute and he's treating you like a sugar daddy.

Stop the power struggle. Either your deal is you support him...or it isn't.

He's not responsible for your self loathing about this. You are.

[sundara.savdhan]

This particular situation may be perceived in multiple ways by an outsider, I welcome that. However , hands on heart I never want to control anyone with money.  If I was very particular about MINE and YOURS type of sharing, then I wouldn't be even happy to let go of paying for common expenses. But I have compromised that part and learnt to live with it and I am 100% happy about that situation as long as my partner doesn't need to ask me for extras for his own or business expenses. That's where I should have drawn the line, perhaps I can only give a timeline until situations get a lot better in this corona world. 

Even with the saved money I am only looking to spend that on common expenses mostly. I am pretty low maintenance myself and I save for emergencies and also for family needs if/when they arise. Even if my partner was earning equally or more than I do, I wouldn't be happy to spend on extravagant stuff at least not for the immediate future. I would encourage him to save for his own needs and common expenses in the distant future. I may have some relationship anxiety about this from time to time as it's my first live-in relationship as well. I also understand that I can't be living with fear wondering what would happen if this relationship has no future etc., etc., 

[indea08]

I also don’t understand why he’s not finding another source of income, or even why his business has slowed down. After this last year, everyone I know that works in the social services field has seen a huge increase in demand. More people are dealing with depression (and other dx) now than ever, so how is it that he’s losing business? Is he not taking virtual appointments or?

Regardless, you feel the way you do because there is an imbalance. He’s the one who’s decided to live on his own, while going to school, and working for himself. He’s the one that didn’t have a backup plan when deciding to take on so much financial risk. That’s on him, not you. And honestly, without being married, I don’t think you should be giving him any money at all. You could help by offering to pay 75% of the bills while he only pays 25%, but for no longer than like 6 months. But just giving him $600 a month as if that were his income? No, absolutely not. I would not even agree to that for my own husband. 

Now that you’re in the situation though, it’ll be difficult to undo it without upsetting him. But, you’ve got to get out of it, or as someone said above, this feeing you have will grow into resentment, and there’s likely no coming back from that.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, indea08 said:

I also don’t understand why he’s not finding another source of income, or even why his business has slowed down. After this last year, everyone I know that works in the social services field has seen a huge increase in demand. More people are dealing with depression (and other dx) now than ever, so how is it that he’s losing business? Is he not taking virtual appointments or?

Regardless, you feel the way you do because there is an imbalance. He’s the one who’s decided to live on his own, while going to school, and working for himself. He’s the one that didn’t have a backup plan when deciding to take on so much financial risk. That’s on him, not you. And honestly, without being married, I don’t think you should be giving him any money at all. You could help by offering to pay 75% of the bills while he only pays 25%, but for no longer than like 6 months. But just giving him $600 a month as if that were his income? No, absolutely not. I would not even agree to that for my own husband. 

Now that you’re in the situation though, it’ll be difficult to undo it without upsetting him. But, you’ve got to get out of it, or as someone said above, this feeing you have will grow into resentment, and there’s likely no coming back from that.

I agree.  Of course he "understands" - do you understand how to be assertive in a confident, reasonable, direct, succint way?  Rehearse if not.  My guess is you are using a lot of words/verbage, a lot of apologies and how much you love him, indirect beating around the bush.  Get it down to two-three spoken sentences, like this:  "I was comfortable with our financial arrangement.  I no longer am comfortable.  My plan is to [what Indie wrote above].  I believe that is fair and reasonable in our situation.  What do you think?"

Also are you two on the same page about what it means to share physical space?  There's no such thing as a "live in relationship" as a category -some people live together because they love each other and love being together, some share physical space for convenience and a whole spectrum in between.  That's why the financial aspects differ -there's the couple planning their wedding and they move in before the wedding and know that their $ will be mingled soon enough, the couple who are legally committed in another way, the couple who perhaps are also business partners so that's another layer. 

My sense is he lives with you largely out of convenience and for financial reasons. He is not your partner for legal or financial purposes.  He doesn't care if you save for your future, for your retirement.   His financial future has nothing to do with yours -his financial present consists of you being the deep pockets.  His degree won't be used to improve your and his life as a couple -maybe it will but if you're not married/legally committed you have no claim to any of it (not sure if you would  otherwise but the legalities sure help).

Seriously  - rehearse how you're going to say all of this and keep it simple and basic -because it is even if you perceive it as deep/complicated.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, sundara.savdhan said:

I would encourage him to save for his own needs and common expenses in the distant future. I may have some relationship anxiety about this from time to time as it's my first live-in relationship as well.

Ok, maybe decide if you're going to be roommates with benefits or a real couple who share things.

[Lambert]

Suppressing your own feelings about this and or providing out of obligation (perceived or not)  will ultimately lead to feelings of resentment and destroy the relationship.

Don't be manipulated into thinking he doesn't understand.  He understands exactly.   He gets to do what he wants for work, no concerns on money, to the point he has a few hundred dollars a month of disposable income, you take care of the home and chores. AND you feel guilty for questioning him about it.

Something here is not right and you know it.  Get your thoughts straight on what you want to happen and approach him again.  

People will push back on your boundaries using guilt among other tactics... so you have to decide for yourself what's the priority here. And stay true to yourself! 

 

[sundara.savdhan]

1 hour ago, indea08 said:

I also don’t understand why he’s not finding another source of income, or even why his business has slowed down. After this last year, everyone I know that works in the social services field has seen a huge increase in demand. More people are dealing with depression (and other dx) now than ever, so how is it that he’s losing business? Is he not taking virtual appointments or?

  He is taking virtual appointments . However due to potential competitors , it becomes tricky to have a consistent flow of clients. I have seen the effort and hard work he had gone through to set things up so it is not I have any doubts about him not pushing himself enough. Before we met, he was doing all sorts of jobs to keep up with paying his rent and bills to where he was living but ever since we got into a situation like this, perhaps, he has become too comfortable . Our views on money are totally different (no surprise there). In one of my calls to the bank last year (he was with me) he must have heard my savings account figure and wondered that there is no need for him to struggle and slowly decided to disconnect from his other-not-very-satisfying jobs to permanently do what he loves to do. I have never said phrases like "leave the job, do something else, I will pay you" etc., etc., The situation started of as a booster to get his dream job moving but we can't always blame covid for that. 

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is he lives with you largely out of convenience and for financial reasons. He is not your partner for legal or financial purposes.  He doesn't care if you save for your future, for your retirement.   His financial future has nothing to do with yours -his financial present consists of you being the deep pockets.  His degree won't be used to improve your and his life as a couple -maybe it will but if you're not married/legally committed you have no claim to any of it (not sure if you would  otherwise but the legalities sure help).

He doesn't have to make me feel guilty but my personality itself is a guilt-driven one so I won't take measures like cutting off the allowance or asking him to do things that he never liked that much in the first place. I know whenever I have suggested him to take offers from other stable income places, he has compared me with his ex-es and friends who told him that he needed to do something more for a stable income. He didn't abuse or anything, but he expressed in such a way that I would feel empathetic towards him. Although I felt sorry for him back then, I now think his exes and friends weren't saying anything to put him down. They were only advising for his own future and for his independence. We live in a money-driven world and where there is lack of it, the respect sort of fades off. At least my upbringing was like that so its difficult to modulate myself to my partner's philosophy and principles. At least in this aspect we have a lot of incompatibilities. But how important is the financial aspect is the worrying thing. 

[sundara.savdhan]

I like all replies. However, website not letting me click the react button today    I appreciate all of your responses.  Thank you all very much 🙂 

[Andrina]

You've set yourself up in a lose-lose situation here. You are not equal partners. Just like a child, he can't live independently on his own. You've chosen a childish partner. As you can see, a situation where a partner isn't pulling his weight financially and with chores, it creates animosity. Obviously his work ethic and career dreams that never pan out is a pattern, since others in his life have commented. And just like a child who argues with a parent about rules, etc., he sulks and uses emotional manipulation.

Often people seek out what's missing in themselves. He sought you out for your stability. You were likely drawn to his his carefree personality. Unfortunately, he's way too carefree to the point of irresponsibility.

My first husband was childish and his work ethic was similar to your man's. I was young and stupid when I got married. I wish I had heeded red flags and had more dating experiences before choosing a lifetime partner. I suggest you heed these alarm bells or you'll be headed down the same road I endured. Lying about or hiding bills, foolish expenses, etc., etc. 

There are attractive people out there who you will match in all the major ways, including a good work ethic and being financially responsible. I suggest you free yourself to find someone like that.

[lostandhurt]

How long have you been together?

Did he move in with you or you moved in to his place?

How long after you met did you start living together?

How long after that did you start giving him an allowance?

How did he survive before he met you?

Lost

[smackie9]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It sucks, and I can see where you are coming from. Me personally would never put my husband in that kind of situation, I'm too stubborn/proud for that. So when I read about things like this, makes me wonder about their character. Are they lazy?, are they even appreciative? why haven't they made any effort to make up for it in other ways like doing all the chores? or want to pay it back, or figure out a way to not have to ask for money...I can see why you feel taken for granted. For him there seems to be no shame in it.

[sundara.savdhan]

30 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Often people seek out what's missing in themselves. He sought you out for your stability. You were likely drawn to his his carefree personality. Unfortunately, he's way too carefree to the point of irresponsibility.

That's an interesting thought indeed. I wouldn't see him as irresponsible though, but optimistic with the hopes that something will work out well . Otherwise he would not have done what he has done so far for no reason. He is a really good guy and I often see him as a misfit in this cruel world where greed and power rule people's heads. I have lived through some of his bad work experiences myself and it wasn't just that he said and I agreed. Which is what puts me in a difficult position to suggest going back to such ventures. With that same optimism , I can only hope that the future is bright for both of us "hopefully together" without the money being in the middle. When it comes to his spending pattern, he does spend on products for his course work etc., and not on luxury items. He is kind and considerate, loving and caring. He has loads of positive qualities in front of which I feel little very little because "money" caused anxious thoughts and doubts. 

 

18 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Like I said, give him a deadline. This Covid thing hopefully is going to be almost gone or at least way under control by the fall. So tell him that.

As for chores, set up a monthly chore board/calendar, and organize a schedule. Put it on the fridge. Make sure his name is on most of the chores needed to do. So instead of asking him, he just has to look at the calendar...and will be reminded each time he goes to the fridge.

Of course, a deadline and a realistic deadline. In fact he himself goes through with me what he is planning to do. Perhaps, I am not very business minded so I don't see them working as an overnight miracle but patience is also something I need to practice on. 

 

30 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

How long have you been together?  4 years

Did he move in with you or you moved in to his place?   He moved in with me

How long after you met did you start living together?    1 year

How long after that did you start giving him an allowance?  from last year

How did he survive before he met you?  other jobs like supermarkets, retail shops, hotel management