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Unsure about our relationship of 6 years. We have no friends. Could you help?


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@Rose Mosse @boltnrun @Hollyj yes. I have some savings. I won't tell him where I'll be, except that I'll be leaving the district(State) we're currently in to avoid any confrontation (which isn't true, but I'll be one hour away in a hotel we stayed at before because I don't know where else to go).

I don't have friend, nor family members here. I'm not in a good relationship with my parents (emotionally abusive mom and dad... How funny is life). I'll find an apartment to rent after catching my breath at the hotel. I'll see if I can do this by Saturday morning. I work on the weekdays online and I might be too stressed out from what's happening, specially that I have a new client this week. I need to be able to do my job well, cause it's the only thing I have for the moment.

Oh, the rent is in both our names. We have to give one month's worth of notice to leave the apartment. I don't know how I'll tackle this. I did however already share my rent's part with my SO since I got paid early, so next month is covered just in case. Also, we pay in advance/beginning of the month cash.

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@Rose Mosse @Hollyj @boltnrun @Wiseman2 @LotusBlack @Jibralta Hello everyone. It's done. I'm at the hotel waiting for my check in. Sent him a message, and blocked him on whatssap and fcbk. T

@boltnrun thank you for sharing. I'm happy you've find your way! Extreme situations sometimes need extreme solutions. Thank you for helping many of us who are struggling in a similar situation. I wish

You don't need his endorsement or permission to end the relationship, OP.  Until you learm to assert yourself and not keep yielding to pressure, this toxic relationship will continue. 

5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

 I have some savings. I won't tell him where I'll be, except that I'll be leaving the district(State) we're currently in to avoid any confrontation (which isn't true, but I'll be one hour away in a hotel we stayed at before because I don't know where else to go).

 the rent is in both our names. We have to give one month's worth of notice to leave the apartment.

You are panicking rather than thinking. You need to plan. Not change your number. No need.

It's very foolish to run away then text him your plans. Then go to the exact place he'll find you.

 It sounds more like you are hoping this will make him change. 

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10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Rose Mosse @boltnrun @Hollyj yes. I have some savings. I won't tell him where I'll be, except that I'll be leaving the district(State) we're currently in to avoid any confrontation (which isn't true, but I'll be one hour away in a hotel we stayed at before because I don't know where else to go).

I don't have friend, nor family members here. I'm not in a good relationship with my parents (emotionally abusive mom and dad... How funny is life). I'll find an apartment to rent after catching my breath at the hotel. I'll see if I can do this by Saturday morning. I work on the weekdays online and I might be too stressed out from what's happening, specially that I have a new client this week. I need to be able to do my job well, cause it's the only thing I have for the moment.

Oh, the rent is in both our names. We have to give one month's worth of notice to leave the apartment. I don't know how I'll tackle this. I did however already share my rent's part with my SO since I got paid early, so next month is covered just in case. Also, we pay in advance/beginning of the month cash.

Sounds like you are good.

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It sounds like you have a good plan. And definitely be sure he can't contact you, including blocking him and, yes, please do consider changing your number. 

As for the apartment, you can let the landlord know you moved out. The landlord can deal with your ex regarding moving out or staying.

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@boltnrun I can't change my country's number for the time being until I register a new address in this country. All my business is tied to it. However, I'll keep it on airplane mode and block him from whatssap. I'll let the landlord know. Good idea.

Do you mind sharing your story?(you mention having changed your phone number).

@Wiseman2 We were in a different State before, so he'll think I went back there because he knows I like it. I'll see if there's some other affordable hotel if this seems too risky.

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My story is simple.  I was in a relationship with an awful man. He actually ended it, not me. I was engaging in behaviors that were detrimental to my well being and were counterproductive to moving forward. So I moved out of state and changed my number so he could not contact me. Best things I ever did.

BTW, I don't love that awful person anymore. Getting away did wonders for my self esteem.

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@boltnrun thank you for sharing. I'm happy you've find your way! Extreme situations sometimes need extreme solutions. Thank you for helping many of us who are struggling in a similar situation. I wish you, and everyone who helped in this post well ❤️

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@boltnrun hello! A little update: I changed my local phone number today! 🙂 I'm trying to avoid arguments and just nod and say yes, okay. Even when he repeats the same thing "oh I'm so stressed. You're so cold and distant with me. I am really unhappy and regret having come to this country. A country with laws is not for me. It's too green and peaceful. I really feel nowhere and need to back to the other country. Do you understand? Everything is so hard for me to do <insert some tears>.". I'm just saying "yes, take it easy, take care of your mental health first, then we'll talk about compromises". If I say otherwise > clash. He's trying to trigger it, so...

Hopefully I leave in a couple of days. Need to find a hotel and pack.

 

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47 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@boltnrun hello! A little update: I changed my local phone number today! 🙂 I'm trying to avoid arguments and just nod and say yes, okay. Even when he repeats the same thing "oh I'm so stressed. You're so cold and distant with me. I am really unhappy and regret having come to this country. A country with laws is not for me. It's too green and peaceful. I really feel nowhere and need to back to the other country. Do you understand? Everything is so hard for me to do <insert some tears>.". I'm just saying "yes, take it easy, take care of your mental health first, then we'll talk about compromises". If I say otherwise > clash. He's trying to trigger it, so...

Hopefully I leave in a couple of days. Need to find a hotel and pack.

 

I think keeping the peace until you leave is a good approach. Just keep reminding yourself when things get tough that leaving is going to bring you closer to happiness and further away from unhappiness. You can do it! And any time you feel like you might give in to him, just come to this forum for support and also continue to seek support from your counsellor - that is very important!

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I think you'll be surprised how these afflictions will get much better once you leave. I was amazed at how my anxiety, insomnia and depression just vanished once I got myself away from my awful ex. I felt free and like a new woman.

You are stronger than you think. I believe you can do this.

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23 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I haven't been well since I decided to leave. But I have to do it. For me. For him. For us.

You're not ready willing or able to leave, so don't. Wait it out until you can see clearly. You are panicked at the thought of life without him, because you need him more than he needs you.

What started the leaving frenzy? The therapist? Internet people? You've put up with it for over 1/2 a decade, so why leave now?

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@boltnrun thank you ❤️ you're a strong woman.

I might be so anxious because I keep remembering when he told me in the last break-up to not trust my therapist, and that she knows nothing about him/us. He even regretted advising me to get help for my depression, because he thought it turned against him (when I asked to leave him last time). I even stopped therapy with my therpist because he believe I wasn't getting any benefits (which was partially true).

Sigh... This man is mental.

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@Wiseman2 I've changed throughout these years, and found him* to have criticized me often, and what I want in life. He doesn't like my work (remote work is BS for him, because I'm feeding the "system"). When were on lockdown, but sights were open, he pressured me to take one day off each week to get out. He wants to visit places with me. However, looking back, he was disrespectful towards my work/commitments. Many small bits like this I guess end up sending me signals that something is off. He even mocks stray cats and dogs in the current country (in my country, unfortunately, there were too little because people would carelessly run over them with their cars). He mocked me for wanting to adopt a dog, for wanting to play with a stray dog and get her treats. He never mentioned this to me before (despite having told him about wanting one). Now I know.

Many small things like this. He's pressured me into thinking like him, I guess? And when he's depressed, his true manipulative dependent colours show up even more. He doesn't even want to call a hospital and get an appointment! Who does it? Me >.>

Also, a person who doesn't like dogs is not worthy my company."Don't trust people who don't like dogs", the saying goes.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
correction
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6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He's pressured me into thinking like him, I guess?

Unfortunately, you chose to stay 6 years and moved with him. This is your choice. 

You are still complaining about him over all this minutiae and still complaining that He won't go to a hospital? 

Who told you to insist he go to a hospital? It seems like you are all over the place, sadly. Why don't you check into the hospital if you feel sick and unsafe?

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28 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@boltnrun thank you ❤️ you're a strong woman.

I might be so anxious because I keep remembering when he told me in the last break-up to not trust my therapist, and that she knows nothing about him/us. He even regretted advising me to get help for my depression, because he thought it turned against him (when I asked to leave him last time). I even stopped therapy with my therpist because he believe I wasn't getting any benefits (which was partially true).

Sigh... This man is mental.

Do you see a pattern? Everything that makes you feel bad is the result of something HE says or HE does. You have become so exceedingly dependent on him that you can't even think about doing something good for yourself without worrying about how he'll react.

The only answer is to break free. You don't need to go to a hospital because you're anxious about leaving him. It's normal to feel anxious because this man has been controlling your world for half a decade. But it's best for you to get away.

I can tell you, the longer you delay leaving the harder it will be. Get your things and your thoughts settled as best as possible and then follow through with a plan.

You can do this if you decide you're going to. I did and while it was hard the reward was well worth it. There's nothing like peace of mind and freedom.

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1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Lots of stomach pain. I'm unusually hungry, probably because I'm stressed. I also can't sleep early. Too much pain.

 

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You don't need to go to a hospital

She is in pain. Internet forums are not for diagnosing "pain" from 1000s miles away.

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Hello everyone.

Update: I've booked the hotel.

Some divine signs:

- I was worried that I would have to purchase and order again a self confidence book that I ordered a month ago. It was schedule to arrive to our apartment by the end of April. It arrived yesterday!!

- I had some pills ordered from my GP abroad, and I was worried I would also not receive them by the day I leave. They were here today!

It's like the universe is sending me a sign that it's time for a new beginning. I like that 🌻😊

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Good for you.

It's amazing how you can start to feel better once plans are made.

Just try to avoid any conversations with him until you leave. If he starts in with his self pity routine just tell him you're sorry he's unhappy. Don't allow him to goad you into an argument or discussion.

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@boltnrun Thank you. He keeps on asking why I'm being so distant and not spending time with him. So I'm making up excuses. And, everytime he starts telling me again how much he misses that country and his heart is there (damn, he won't compromise, will he!), I reassure him. I tell him he should take care of his mental health first, then we'll discuss possible compromises. There are always "solutions". I can tell how he's trying to test me to see how my opinion is changing, and if I'll just give up to what he wants.

Gotta stay discreet, and move my clothes when I come back tomorrow evening from an event. If he doesn't suspect anything by then, then I'm good to go Saturday morning.

I'm really hoping I'll pull it off. I have the strength. Thank you for assuring me that it'll get better.

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