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Unsure about our relationship of 6 years. We have no friends. Could you help?


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44 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

It's like I can't put the argument aside. Maybe I shouldn't, because it makes him feel like I don't care. We just had an argument, and he kept attacking my personality

As long as you acquiesce to this abuse and manipulation, your life will be bogged down with it. It won't matter what country you're in. You created your own personal hell with him. You can't fix that globe trotting for some ideal country.

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@Rose Mosse @Hollyj @boltnrun @Wiseman2 @LotusBlack @Jibralta Hello everyone. It's done. I'm at the hotel waiting for my check in. Sent him a message, and blocked him on whatssap and fcbk. T

@boltnrun thank you for sharing. I'm happy you've find your way! Extreme situations sometimes need extreme solutions. Thank you for helping many of us who are struggling in a similar situation. I wish

You don't need his endorsement or permission to end the relationship, OP.  Until you learm to assert yourself and not keep yielding to pressure, this toxic relationship will continue. 

@indea08 @Wiseman2 @Jibralta @1a1a @Rose Mosse @maritalbliss86

I just talked a new therapist. He confirmed to me that it's emotional abuse, and gave me an example on how not to "flee" if we're talking, leave him thus hanging. But I do think I should end this. And, wiseman2 is right. Maybe it's more than the country.

Thank you for your suggestion indea08. I may be taking a bag with my most important stuff and leave for a while, until I get all my stuff (more than 3 luggage with everything I own). I'm in a foreign country, so I have nowhere to go to. Might end up in a hotel, but that'll be worth it.

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4 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@1a1a When I told him it's a must for me, he thought I was not considering his feelings as my partner. That's why I'm feeling selfish. Am I by doing this? Am I not respecting him? you see? It confused me.

You’re not being selfish, but even if you were, so what?! It’s your life, so be selfish if it means removing that which takes away from your life and your happiness and brings you closer to what you want for yourself long term. 

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You're wasting your time "talking" to him. He'll just abuse and manipulate you some more.

So what if he fake cries? He's a grown man. He can figure out his own life. 

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If you can’t do what is best for you because you feel selfish, then do what is best for him and walk away. It is in his best interest (he believes) to keep you with him, so he will say whatever he needs to say to make it so you don’t leave, and it has been working. But you’re a crutch for him. He is never going to get well if he keeps running to you and you enable his choice to not stay on his meds or to not seek PROPER professional help for his mental health issues (depression, personality disorder, etc.). So, if you cannot leave for you, then leave because it is what is best for him. He will have to face his issues when there is no buffer between them and him.

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1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@indea08 @Wiseman2 @Jibralta @1a1a @Rose Mosse @maritalbliss86

I just talked a new therapist. He confirmed to me that it's emotional abuse, and gave me an example on how not to "flee" if we're talking, leave him thus hanging. But I do think I should end this. And, wiseman2 is right. Maybe it's more than the country.

Thank you for your suggestion indea08. I may be taking a bag with my most important stuff and leave for a while, until I get all my stuff (more than 3 luggage with everything I own). I'm in a foreign country, so I have nowhere to go to. Might end up in a hotel, but that'll be worth it.

Keeping you in my thoughts. Remember your passport and ID and everything you need. Limit the number of times you have to keep going back for your stuff. Miscellaneous objects and clothing can be replaced. I would donate most of it especially since you're leaving the country but it's up to you.

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9 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@boltnrun do you think it's best if i leave tomorrow?

Yes. Even better to leave today. Once he finds out you're leaving (or you tell him, which is what I suspect you'll do) he will throw himself on the floor and fake cry and accuse you of being selfish and all kinds of other manipulative stuff. Because it's always worked so he knows it will work again. Unless you decide you're going to do what's best for you and leave him. 

Yes, I recommend leaving him. Permanently. 

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@boltnrun i can't leave immediately. I'm trying to figure out how I can pack some of the stuff from the bedroom, as he's always in the there. I want to leave while he's sleeping in a morning, then send him a message. Last time I left him, it was a horrible mess whereby he cried, pleaded me to stay, and tried to block my stuff/the door. I want to avoid that from happening again. I'm too tired for it.

I've done some packing though 🙂 I'm taking my dumbbells with me to stay strong. I'm super stressed out.

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9 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@MissCanuck yeah. I'm not well. I went back to him because he promised to be better and leave the country with me. Have I known he's done this just to please me, and not because it's actually what he wants, I wouldn't have gotten back to him. I've let my feelings get the best of me.

Now I'm thinking of leaving the apartment, but I don't know how to do it while he's here. He doesn't work, and barely goes out. I'm not ready to have another fight about this. It's so draining. Last time I left, he was in the apartment and it was a huge scene aka crying all the time, holding my stuff, going down to the street and crying so badly. Now, I'm tired.

When someone shows you repeatedly who they are, why would you think anything would be different?  You need to be realistic.  Top it off with a severe mental illness-which you knew he had-I cannot fathom how you would think things could improve.  

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5 hours ago, indea08 said:

There is nothing more to talk about. I don’t understand why you keep having talks with him. Pack a bag, grab anything super Important to you, and leave. Call a friend, call your parents, call whomever..and go stay with them. This guy is only going to become more and more unhinged the longer you drag this out.

No more excuses.

Make a plan, and GO!

I agree.  This has gone on long enough.  

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14 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@boltnrun i can't leave immediately. I'm trying to figure out how I can pack some of the stuff from the bedroom, as he's always in the there. I want to leave while he's sleeping in a morning, then send him a message. Last time I left him, it was a horrible mess whereby he cried, pleaded me to stay, and tried to block my stuff/the door. I want to avoid that from happening again. I'm too tired for it.

I've done some packing though 🙂 I'm taking my dumbbells with me to stay strong. I'm super stressed out.

The idea is to take what you need if you are fleeing an abusive situation, not lug around dumbbells in your purse. Physically preventing you from leaving is extreme. I would take this very seriously and plan a permanent exit in one shot.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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@Rose Mosse yep. But most of my essential stuff is in the bedroom. I need to check when he uses the bathroom lon enough so I can pack my stuff the day before. I have already packed half of what I need, and my dumbbells are my best friend at the moment. They keep me in check. Well, sort of 😅. Specially that I'll be staying in a small hotel. I will take a taxi as soon as I leave the apartment. Only have 1 luggage, laptop, mat, and dumbbells. I'm taking everything to make sure I'm the worst cases I won't need to come back there. I know he'll torture me/hate me for this.

 

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2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Rose Mosse yep. But most of my essential stuff is in the bedroom. I need to check when he uses the bathroom lon enough so I can pack my stuff the day before. I have already packed half of what I need, and my dumbbells are my best friend at the moment. They keep me in check. Well, sort of 😅. Specially that I'll be staying in a small hotel. I will take a taxi as soon as I leave the apartment. Only have 1 luggage, laptop, mat, and dumbbells. I'm taking everything to make sure I'm the worst cases I won't need to come back there. I know he'll torture me/hate me for this.

 

You only have to worry about you. If those are the things you can manage and take with you in one exit, then take them. Otherwise, keep it limited so that you are agile without things getting in the way. Please stay safe. You should call a trusted friend or family member to inform them of your whereabouts as well.

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25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'm taking my dumbbells with me to stay strong.

First. Make realistic plans where to stay. Stop panicking. You Do Not have to rush out the door asap. Very foolish. Plan. 

Biggest mistake people who actually intend on leaving make is doing so to create drama, rather than have a calm doable plan. You have a therapist right there. Do not ask internet people when or how to leave.  Your therapist is in the country you are in. Use that as a resource.

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How is he able to "torture" you? Do you mean physically or mentally?

If you mean mentally, change your number. Yes, you can. I did. It only took me about 15 minutes to give my new number to everyone I wanted to have it. Tell your phone service carrier that you are being harassed and they will allow you to change it for free. 

And before you start listing excuses why you "can't " change your number, remember the last time you tried to leave and he "tortured" you. That should be enough motivation to change your number.

Also block him from email, social media and any other forms of contact. Do it for your own peace of mind.

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20 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

The idea is to take what you need if you are fleeing an abusive situation, not lug around dumbbells in your purse. Physically preventing you from leaving is extreme. I would take this very seriously and plan a permanent exit in one shot.

Yes.   I don't get the dumbbells. This is not practical.  

You can pack what is important and get out.

Edited by Hollyj
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Posted (edited)

@boltnrun @Hollyj @Wiseman2 thank you. I will reconsider the dumbbells. He has a call with his friends abroad tonight. Maybe I'll be able to take some stuff from the bedroom, since he won't be there. I really want to avoid what happened last time. It's mentally hard for me to do otherwise (so best leave while he's sleeping).

And yes, he would be either yelling or crying intensively. I also don't want to risk him threatening me with his suicidal acts. I'm in a foreign country alone, and don't speak the language (so calling emergency will be tricky).

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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You are going to a hotel? What is your plan after that? What happens to the current apartment and what if he ends up staying (not having the means to move out/back)? Is the current apartment lease in your name also? 

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7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You are going to a hotel? What is your plan after that? What happens to the current apartment and what if he ends up staying (not having the means to move out/back)? Is the current apartment lease in your name also? 

Rose, his finances are not her problem.  This guy is emotionally unstable and she needs to put her mental and physical safety at the forefront.  

It is a good question regarding who is named on the lease.

Edited by Hollyj
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Yes, my point is that the hotel is a temporary stay only. If she's leaving she should leave for good and make sure none of her own finances or credit is marred too much. Most people leaving don't have unlimited supplies of cash or resources so planning is key. I agree with having a solid plan in place and not making this a temporary leave of your boyfriend. Don't go back to living with him.

She's tried leaving before already and went back. Don't go back.

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22 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Yes, my point is that the hotel is a temporary stay only. If she's leaving she should leave for good and make sure none of her own finances or credit is marred too much. Most people leaving don't have unlimited supplies of cash or resources so planning is key. I agree with having a solid plan in place and not making this a temporary leave of your boyfriend. Don't go back to living with him.

She's tried leaving before already and went back. Don't go back.

That is why changing your number is key. Change your number and don't give him your new number. Don't tell him what hotel you're staying at. In fact, don't even tell him you're staying at a hotel. He could show up there and be difficult. Tell someone you trust where you are so they can check in on you. 

You can make longer term plans later. For now, getting away from this man who "tortures" you mentally and emotionally needs to take priority.

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She doesn't have family in this country (or do you, OP?). My understanding is that you don't have ties and are on your own. I think this is why it's tricky and being very sure about your next steps, not just the immediate ones to the hotel, are in place. If you run out of cash or max your credit card, there is no one to rely on. Be street smart about this and take care.

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