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Unsure about our relationship of 6 years. We have no friends. Could you help?


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32 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Rose Mosse Yes, indeed. We have a useless talk because he's like "I miss my work (in a school which is not open, and might not be). I miss my habits. I feel sad and nowhere. I need to go back to what I know". I don't know what to do about that. I'm afraid if I pick up my stuff and leave, it'll trigger a really bad depression in him and he'l put me in responsibility of it 😢 this is what he's done last time- but when I left, he started to try and fix the problem. May I say, our couple therapist told us that I tend to "flee" when faced with an argument, and he tends to "fight". If I say I had enough, he tells me I'm running away, won't listen (even-though we would have been talking for 1-2 hours), and he threatens leaving and staying outside. He would only listen if there's a possibility of us going back there. If I say it's not something I want, he starts stressing out and it gets tense. F*ck, what am I even doing here? Do I not count? Should I go back with him there (and accept to travel half the year abroad), just to please him and save "us"?

There's no reasoning with him because he is abusive. He needs help independently (not couples' therapy). I don't think couples' therapy is appropriate or working for your situation. You know many people leave deteriorating relationships and marriages similar to this? You won't be the first and you won't be the last either. It will hurt for awhile but it won't hurt as much as being in a relationship with someone like your boyfriend. If there's one thing I learned, individuals who have lost control of their own lives are usually the ones who seek to control others the most.

I'm very sorry. It needs to end. 

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@Rose Mosse @Hollyj @boltnrun @Wiseman2 @LotusBlack @Jibralta Hello everyone. It's done. I'm at the hotel waiting for my check in. Sent him a message, and blocked him on whatssap and fcbk. T

@boltnrun thank you for sharing. I'm happy you've find your way! Extreme situations sometimes need extreme solutions. Thank you for helping many of us who are struggling in a similar situation. I wish

Hi everyone. Throwing in an update. @boltnrun you were right. Since I've left him, I've felt like a weight came off of my shoulders . As if I'm back to myself! Free and more energetic. It's been tough

@boltnrun I think I didn't listen, because he told me that those people know nothing about us and thus can't trust them. At one point during our last breakup, he told me he regretted having encouraged me to find  a therapist, because it can turn against him- which is a red flag by itself, but I shrugged it off to thinking he was saying this out of being angry/hurt.

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18 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Rose Mosse how can you tell he's abusive? Why am I the only one who thinks I'm not doing my "share" in the relationship? Or, that I'm being selfish? 😞 

I think that we have both been very clear with you, you are choosing to be ignorant of the situation. 

I will provide this again:  "He was angry about the country and would often throw tantrums/hit something in the house. He would follow me out of the house if I was upset and fed-up, and keep on yelling in my face. He also never treated me with kindness, generosity, or invited me for things "   This is awful!   Then you have this:" I just couldn't anymore between the lockdown and him crying, sobbing on the floor, threatening me, leaving the house then calling me and telling me to take him out of the bushes where he was crying."  

Everyone has advised you to get away from the guy (friends, therapist, posters), you are not happy and have broken up multiple times.  There is no future.

What benefit do you get out of this?  Why do you stay?

Edited by Hollyj
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When you show signs of independence and your own thoughts, he turns it against you and uses the 'poor me' (mental health) excuse. If you feel invisible and not valued for your own thoughts and opinions or there isn't mutual respect and he cannot respectfully let you go to live your life, this is an example of someone who needs you more than you need him and he will do anything to keep you trapped and in control of you. 

Listening to your instincts is your own god/universe-given right so listen to your instincts. If it's telling you that you need less of a negative source, it's likely you do. The saddest part is when individuals believe they deserve to live this way because they've been too far gone or conditioned into believing this is how life ought to be. 

Holly reposted some of the things you wrote on the first page and you can reread some of the things that you wrote also. They're all examples of armtwisting and manipulation. He needs help that you can't provide so it's best you both go your separate ways. 

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9 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He was angry about the country and would often throw tantrums/hit something in the house. He would follow me out of the house if I was upset and fed-up, and keep on yelling in my face.

You asked why I think he has bipolar of some form?  You know he has depression, is taking meds (sometimes) for it, but his actions are more than that, they're outbursts of violence and anger. 

That's not usually just depression... it usually gets one diagnosed with something worse.  Bipolar, with the extreme mood changes and months of deep depression, that would make more sense, but he'd need to see someone to be diagnosed.

Bipolar depression is actually getting to be a common thing now.  3 million per year are diagnosed in the US alone.

Edited by maritalbliss86
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@maritalbliss86 I actually didn't know he was bipolar. He probably knows, but didn't tell me. He told me he has depression. However, when he experienced a relapse recently and we had to get an emergency check-up with a Dr, the Dr did mention to him "You are taking bipolar pills" briefly. I was in the room (first time). I didn't give it attention, and thought that a med can help with several mental health issues. But, maybe that makes sense now?

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17 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Rose Mosse @Hollyj thank you, both of you. I will go back to this website tomorrow with fresh eyes and read the thread. I also booked a therapist. Hopefully, it'll help me better evaluate the situation. If it wasn't for you and @boltnrun, I wouldn't have done it.
Have a lovely day.

Think about your future.   Lean on friends, family, the therapist, and us to extricate yourself.  You are not your bf's carer, and are not responsible for him.  

He needs to lean on the medical community and family as he has some serious mental health issues.  He has drug you down and is also impacting your  mental health.    

I hope that act on this quickly, so that you can have a happy future, not one that depletes you.  

Edited by Hollyj
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All of your information is coming from him. All your decisions are based on what he tells you to do.

"He told me" "He said" "He doesn't want me to " and "He says to" are your responses to every question that we've asked.

Why do you believe you're incapable of making your own decisions? 

Let me guess...he says you don't know how.

Do you want to think for yourself? Or do you want him to decide everything? 

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@boltnrun it's crazy, but I've realized it this morning. I keep talking to myself and wondering what I'll be saying to the therapist today. And a lot of it is "he tells me I'm this/I'm that". He keeps on checking on me during the day, asking "are you still mad?". Yesterday night (after our conversation here), I told him why you keep asking? We just have something important to both of us that we need to solve together. We seem to be not being able to see eye to eye, and we need to just figure out if we will. If we won't, no hard feelings. Then he made fun of me, told me that I'm being selfish for thinking about this, our future doesn't just depend on this, I can't throw away 6 years like that by just snapping and saying i don't want to be with him anymore. I told him I want to break up with him, and that the future matters to me. He's like yea, but I need to see if I'll have that work waiting for me and you know that'll take time. I also was considering the compromise, but you're spontaneous and changed your mind about it! Always thinking about you and how you feel comfortable. Plus, you want to break up with me while I'm being depressed?! I said I changed my mind because I don't want to live with a man 6 months or of 12. I, no longer want to compromise?!

It escalated to women being vicious beings, and men should probably be tougher on women because they don't deserve their kindness. Told me things like I'm afraid because I had a mom who beat me up (?!), and used that to support an argument I can't even remember anymore. I was just shocked he thinks that way?

I said one thing last weekend to him; I understand why your ex left you, went no contact and left your clothes outside the house. I can see why!! Probably shouldn't have said out loud though. And, even when he entered to her (was their) apartment, she had her cousin with her, and her cousin would answer his questions most of the time. Ofc He went crazy about it, and told me not to talk about something I don't even understand.

But It makes sense that she did that!! I should have done the same. @Hollyj @Rose Mosse

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I think you badly need to stay single for a good, long while. 

You don't appear to have any sense of self, any idea where your boundaries are, any of your own thoughts. It's all "he told me this" and "he says that." You don't seem to be able to formulate your own ideas and opiniosn on anything related to this relationship. 

You have fallen into a bad habit of defaulting to whatever this trainwreck-of-a-man thinks as your truth. That's a big part of your problem. You have lost your own voice and ability to think independently. 

Until you gain a sense of self-worth and develop healthier ways of coping with life and avoiding toxic people, this will continue. 

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@MissCanuck yeah. I'm not well. I went back to him because he promised to be better and leave the country with me. Have I known he's done this just to please me, and not because it's actually what he wants, I wouldn't have gotten back to him. I've let my feelings get the best of me.

Now I'm thinking of leaving the apartment, but I don't know how to do it while he's here. He doesn't work, and barely goes out. I'm not ready to have another fight about this. It's so draining. Last time I left, he was in the apartment and it was a huge scene aka crying all the time, holding my stuff, going down to the street and crying so badly. Now, I'm tired.

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9 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@MissCanuck yeah. I'm not well. I went back to him because he promised to be better and leave the country with me. Have I known he's done this just to please me, and not because it's actually what he wants, I wouldn't have gotten back to him. I've let my feelings get the best of me.

Now I'm thinking of leaving the apartment, but I don't know how to do it while he's here. He doesn't work, and barely goes out. I'm not ready to have another fight about this. It's so draining. Last time I left, he was in the apartment and it was a huge scene aka crying all the time, holding my stuff, going down to the street and crying so badly. Now, I'm tired.

Enlist the help of another you trust whilst you get your things from the apartment and walk away, don’t look back. You have been so much kinder to him than you have to yourself. You need to put yourself first now.

Think of it this way: your life is a picture and you are the artist. At the end of your life only you can be happy with the picture you painted for yourself. You want to love the picture of your life, not get to the end of it and realise you hate what you see but now have no time to fix it. So, fix it now. Strip back the paint you’ve laid down but hold onto the experience you’ve gained from painting the bad choices (and good ones). Use that experience to paint yourself a better landscape of your life. No matter what your boyfriend says, those years weren’t wasted, you used them to learn more about yourself and what you do and don’t want in your life (and painting). You now recognise what emotional and mental abuse is so can use it as a reference point to stay away from in the future. Your boyfriend is a black hole of despair, nothing ever comes out of black holes, so be sure to get as far away from that as possible.

Be happy with your life’s painted landscape and there is no better time than the present to get started on your amazing painting!

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48 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@MissCanuck yeah. I'm not well. I went back to him because he promised to be better and leave the country with me. Have I known he's done this just to please me, and not because it's actually what he wants, I wouldn't have gotten back to him. I've let my feelings get the best of me.

Now I'm thinking of leaving the apartment, but I don't know how to do it while he's here. He doesn't work, and barely goes out. I'm not ready to have another fight about this. It's so draining. Last time I left, he was in the apartment and it was a huge scene aka crying all the time, holding my stuff, going down to the street and crying so badly. Now, I'm tired.

If you must, call the police for support.  

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1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@MissCanuck I'm not well. I went back to him because he promised to be better and leave the country with me. 

He's not your ticket out of your country. If anything, someone this abusive and mentally unstable is destroying your life,no matter where you are.

Your entire post is he this, he that. It's up to you to decide what kind of life you hope to have.

You need to reevaluate your mission to get out of the country. Do it yourself.

 

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If you laid down ‘not returning to your home country’ as an absolutely iron clad non negotiable concrete boundary, would he still want to date you?

 

He sounds like a stone around your neck. 

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10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Hollyj @LotusBlack @Wiseman2 I wish I could. In the country we're at, police wouldn't help in such cases and, they don't speak the language. I'll have to manage. I'll see what my therapist will say in 3 hours and get back to you. Thank you ❤️

You don't need the police. You just need to move on without him.

You make the decisions. A therapist is to sort stuff out, but they can't help you if you decide to continue your self destruction with this abuser.

You need to stop associating him with some hero who's going to rescue you from your country.

 

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You are, but so is he. 
 

If he gets what he wants, to go home, you suffer, yet selfishly he wants you to suffer so he can get what he wants. 
 

It’s true that good relationships feature  give and take and working together to compromise and accomodate both partners needs. I don’t see him lifting a finger to accomodate yours, and ultimately, if your needs can’t be met in relationship, it is both your freedom and your responsibility to seek your own happiness. Since you both want to live in different countries I’d say this relationship has evolved to a point where you are both fundamentally incompatible. That’s completely leaving aside his lack of emotional regulation and periods of untreated depression (which would also be deal breakers for me) 

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17 hours ago, indea08 said:

he says 6 years can't go to waste. We should be able to manage everything (as if we're married?).

It's a big mistake to stay in a relationship so that past years "don't go to waste." Those years are already GONE. Nothing you do now or in the future will will make them more valuable or less wasted. 

Google and read about the fallacy of sunk cost.

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@1a1a @Jibralta @maritalbliss86 @Wiseman2I have been very cold and emotionally distanced from him the last two days. It's like I can't put the argument aside. Maybe I shouldn't, because it makes him feel like I don't care. We just had an argument, and he kept attacking my personality, and telling me I have to work on my part of the relationship. But truth is, I just can't seem to bother. He kept yelling and saying things and personally attacking me until he told me "I want to do efforts to this relationship. Do you?". I said no. He started crying, I tried to calm him down. I told him you don't have to take it like that, calm down. He couldn't calm down, so I went to my office room. He stayed outside the door and started crying on the floor... until I took him back to his bed, listened to him telling me he's been very depressed in this foreign country and just wanted to feel "home". He's having difficulties getting out of bed, loss of appetite, ... He's sad I don't support him/ empathize  with him. I said, okay, calm down. Take your meds and go out for a walk. You woke up at 2pm and you haven't eaten yet. We'll talk later.
Sadly, here I am on my laptop, trying to run away from this... Cause even when I say what I think (I'm blunt, and he doesn't like that), it just makes things worse.

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15 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@1a1a @Jibralta @maritalbliss86 @Wiseman2I have been very cold and emotionally distanced from him the last two days. It's like I can't put the argument aside. Maybe I shouldn't, because it makes him feel like I don't care. We just had an argument, and he kept attacking my personality, and telling me I have to work on my part of the relationship. But truth is, I just can't seem to bother. He kept yelling and saying things and personally attacking me until he told me "I want to do efforts to this relationship. Do you?". I said no. He started crying, I tried to calm him down. I told him you don't have to take it like that, calm down. He couldn't calm down, so I went to my office room. He stayed outside the door and started crying on the floor... until I took him back to his bed, listened to him telling me he's been very depressed in this foreign country and just wanted to feel "home". He's having difficulties getting out of bed, loss of appetite, ... He's sad I don't support him/ empathize  with him. I said, okay, calm down. Take your meds and go out for a walk. You woke up at 2pm and you haven't eaten yet. We'll talk later.
Sadly, here I am on my laptop, trying to run away from this... Cause even when I say what I think (I'm blunt, and he doesn't like that), it just makes things worse.

There is nothing more to talk about. I don’t understand why you keep having talks with him. Pack a bag, grab anything super Important to you, and leave. Call a friend, call your parents, call whomever..and go stay with them. This guy is only going to become more and more unhinged the longer you drag this out.

No more excuses.

Make a plan, and GO!

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