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Unsure about our relationship of 6 years. We have no friends. Could you help?


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Hello everyone,

I (27F) have been in a relationship with my bf (38M) for 6 years. The relationship was overall good. We met in a hiking trip, shared our view of how we see the world and fell in love. One year after meeting, I decided to break-up with him because he had so much anger issues (he's from a western country, living in my third-world frustrating country), and lacked affection for me; He was angry about the country and would often throw tantrums/hit something in the house. He would follow me out of the house if I was upset and fed-up, and keep on yelling in my face. He also never treated me with kindness, generosity, or invited me for things (which back then my coworkers noticed earlier than me). I told him I wanted to break-up, when I experienced caring and security with a man while I was on a vacation. After seeing that man, I spent my whole 7 hour flight crying about how I felt unloved in the relationship. So I told him that I no longer felt anything for him, and I wanted to quit. He was on vacation too elsewhere, and decided to leave urgently and came back with flowers saying he loves me and willing to change. In a few days, he showed me he could be better and was really growing on me. So we stayed.

Our common goal was to leave my country. Every year he would tell me "I want to stay in my school job, let's stay for another school year". I'd say "okay", despite not really wanting to stay.

 A year ago, he falls back into depression (he stopped taking his meds because he thought he was doing fine), but it was very tough for us to manage. I just couldn't anymore between the lockdown and him crying, sobbing on the floor, threatening me, leaving the house then calling me and telling me to take him out of the bushes where he was crying. We both have mental issues (depression), but I try to keep mine to myself as much as possible- and he's the opposite of that. He's been a very supportive man in terms of my depression (related to having a physically and emotionally abusive mom). Then he tells me he wants to stay another 4th year in this country. I break up with him as I felt overwhelmed, leave the apartment, and move to another one. He tells me he needs to stay in touch as he feels lonely and is in a tough spot- I say yes, despite my therapist and friend advising me no to do so. I still loved and cared for him, but just couldn't anymore. In one month, we're back together as his new meds kick-in and he promises me to leave the country.

Fast forward now: we left in November my country to a temporary one, as my country is going though horrible stuff (deep economic crisis, militia taking over more and more, and no security). He also stops taking his meds in January and doesn't inform. He falls back in depression in March. I can't take it again. He tells me that he wants to go back to my country (he dislikes his own country) and that he has his routine/habits are there, and his school might take him back for the next school year (sept. 2021). He just can't stand the country we're at, because people don't talk to him often, are hostile towards tourists, and don't speak English. He calls it a "poor europe", and it seems to remind him of his western country too much (high bureaucracy, infrastructure, green spaces, and cleanliness).

Problem: I DON'T want to go back. I can't believe he even thought that he wants to go back, no longer search for work in another country, and he's almost ready to work for no money because he received recently an inheritance. He feels "home" there. While, we both know the country we are currently in is temporary, I do not plan on going back to my country. We can't see eye to eye. And, I feel horrible because I feel egoistic for realizing I love him "conditionally" aka only if we are in another country. Because for me, it's like taking a step back and I don't want that. I'm sorry for him, but he keeps on complaining every damn day- several times a day-, on how he feels like he's nowhere, nothing could cheer him up- despite having been extremely depressed and dissatisfied in my country, 3 times! Thus, we've been arguing a lot and hurting each other.

So what do I do? I feel like last time I should have not gotten back with him (l have let my feelings get the best of me ). I'm okay with us being together in other countries, but don't want us to go back to mine. I'm trying to find a middle-ground; for e.g. I suggested I stay in this one, which is next to my country, and he works there. We can meet twice a month. He said no. He used to love travelling and we had dreams of "somewhere better". He mainly wants to go back to his job at that school- which is in financial crisis, and is closed for this year due to covid.
Also, for context, am a digital freelancer-can work from anywhere. We started seeing a couple's therapist on Saturday, but it'll be slow. I have depression and PTSD, but have been working on things, mainly by meditating and healing my trauma/working on my self-confidence. Had a therapist too for a while. He had one too as well.

I don't know what to think anymore and he keeps on stressing me out (but telling me I'm being selfish). Please note I tried to tell him that I want to end the relationship. It makes things worse.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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@Rose Mosse @Hollyj @boltnrun @Wiseman2 @LotusBlack @Jibralta Hello everyone. It's done. I'm at the hotel waiting for my check in. Sent him a message, and blocked him on whatssap and fcbk. T

@boltnrun thank you for sharing. I'm happy you've find your way! Extreme situations sometimes need extreme solutions. Thank you for helping many of us who are struggling in a similar situation. I wish

You don't need his endorsement or permission to end the relationship, OP.  Until you learm to assert yourself and not keep yielding to pressure, this toxic relationship will continue. 

You're being selfish? HE'S being selfish.

Not only does he refuse to get proper help for his depression, but he wants to drag you back to a country you don't want to be in, and doesn't sound like he considers your feelings at all.

It sounds like you got back together with him, because you felt sorry for him and were guilted back into it.

But this is most definitely a toxic relationship.

He needs to get back onto his meds and start seeing a counselor fulltime.

But even then, that's more for his own sake, rather than anyone else's.

You and he are still going in different directions.

It's time to tell him it's over and that you no longer want to continue. 

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He's abusive. "couples therapy" is contraindicated in abusive relationships. You need to reach out to trusted friends, family...anyone and get away from him...anywhere. Talk to your own doctor and do something appropriate for your depression. Talk to your Own therapist and confide about the abuse. 

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1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

You're being selfish? HE'S being selfish.

Not only does he refuse to get proper help for his depression, but he wants to drag you back to a country you don't want to be in, and doesn't sound like he considers your feelings at all.

It sounds like you got back together with him, because you felt sorry for him and were guilted back into it.

But this is most definitely a toxic relationship.

He needs to get back onto his meds and start seeing a counselor fulltime.

But even then, that's more for his own sake, rather than anyone else's.

You and he are still going in different directions.

It's time to tell him it's over and that you no longer want to continue. 

Thank you Sherry. That's why I told him before let's part ways. He wants one thing, and I want something else.
I talked to him today, and told him "okay. If we were to go back [laid all kinds of problems we are going to face if we go to that country- in a neutral way]. I'd spend 3-6 months staying abroad, including 3 with you (as an example. I'm trying to reach a compromise and let him think). Are you willing to put up with that?". This left him to think about his decision, and about me. It came out of him "I don't want you to not live well there". I just hope he realizes that he's functioning by fear, because he's afraid of having "nowhere to go". But, we're together. We should manage. I've functioned by fear too because of my trauma- and still do sometimes. So, maybe we are going somewhere? His depression is not helping though, but he is back on his meds since the rebound.

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25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Thank you Sherry. That's why I told him before let's part ways. He wants one thing, and I want something else.

You don't need his endorsement or permission to end the relationship, OP. 

Until you learm to assert yourself and not keep yielding to pressure, this toxic relationship will continue. 

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3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Please note I tried to tell him that I want to end the relationship. It makes things worse

I'm not really sure why you're, "trying to tell him," you want to end the relationship.  Of course he'll be upset and you'll feel like you've made things worse.

I think you just have to end it.  You both want very different things and he doesn't have to agree with ending it with you.  

Its called a breakup.  It will be painful and he won't agree, but obviously you're not right for each other (and I suspect he has a bipolar depressive disorder that's undiagnosed...).

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All relationships are conditional. I'd be wary of anyone who insists on unconditional love in a romantic relationship. It's too wheedling and manipulative as it leaves room for abusive or unhealthy situations. Both of you have tried to keep it together but you have different long term goals. Start asking yourself if you want the same things he does and if his character compliments you. Don't pick or choose to stay with partners when you disagree about fundamental issues such as where to live, how you want to live, where you see yourselves in the future.

Take care of your mental health, keep up with your current obligations and don't go back if you don't want to go back. I would revisit what you said about feeling bad about any of this and remove that heavy, unnecessary mantel. Do what's best for yourself and your future. 

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@Rose Mosse thank you. When I tell him we should part ways, he tells me that I can't just runaway from my problems and end them this way. He thinks it's too easy to say "bye" when it's tense. I'm trying to find a common ground, but I'm not sure he wants to. I told him "you can't have it all"; the gf, the country, the job, the lifestyle. I won't go back there, but I'm trying to make him think, cause he's depressed. And, then he tells I can't do this to him while being depressed.

You do think they are conditional? I'm feeling guilty about this.

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@Wiseman2Thank you. Why do you think it's abusive? I'm feeling selfish for not wanting something for his well-being. But, at the same, I don't want to feel miserable again. I told him we could choose another country which fits very well his criteria.. but then he tells me he's too tired to look for a new job / handle new procedures. I'm starting to run out of ideas. It's only when I talk about going back to my country that he actually listens 😞

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2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Rose Mosse thank you. When I tell him we should part ways, he tells me that I can't just runaway from my problems and end them this way. He thinks it's too easy to say "bye" when it's tense. I'm trying to find a common ground, but I'm not sure he wants to. I told him "you can't have it all"; the gf, the country, the job, the lifestyle. I won't go back there, but I'm trying to make him think, cause he's depressed. And, then he tells I can't do this to him while being depressed.

You do think they are conditional? I'm feeling guilty about this.

Break ups are not easy and they are often not in agreement between the parties. When he suggests that you are running away from your problems he's also dismissing your opinion unfortunately. This is twisted and emotionally abusive. If he wanted to work things out with you he might try to see where you are coming from, pause or need some time to think and agree with you that both of you are in disagreement. He's not respecting that you have concerns about his choice to return. This is the difference between respectful or healthy disagreements and very dismissive approaches. 

When you talk with him avoid telling the other person what they can and can't have. It's too presumptuous. He could be feeling stifled and controlled, the same way you are. Keep the discussions about advantages and disadvantages of moving instead of taking away each others' autonomy. Don't dismiss each other. At this point, I would say neither of you are listening to each other anymore. 

When it gets to the point where either one of you is trying desperately to convince the other, I'd say this is crossing over into lack of understanding and disrespect. It's one thing to share thoughts and disagreements. It's another to seek to change someone else. I'd think carefully about whether you want to spend not only this moment in time but your future trying to convince someone to see eye to eye with you. 

And please don't let someone guilt-trip you into being with them because of mental health issues. This is absurd. 

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6 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I felt unloved in the relationship. So I told him that I no longer felt anything for him, and I wanted to quit. He was on vacation too elsewhere, and decided to leave urgently and came back with flowers saying he loves me and willing to change.

- He will not 'change', I guess you see this now?

He is draining you , mentally/emotionally.  None of this is good on you. 😞 

 

6 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'm trying to find a middle-ground; for e.g. I suggested I stay in this one, which is next to my country, and he works there. We can meet twice a month. He said no.

- Why do you keep agreeing to all HE says?

You have a mind of your own.. I know you regret going back to him.. So, then YOU have to act - for your own good.

You leave him, for good!  You find that inner strength.  This guy lays guilt trips, doesn't he?  He is trying to control you & manipulate, as he is so lost & messed .. None of this is doing you any good!  You know this...

He will manage, he has to.  You cannot 'make him happy'.

Think for yourself and go back home.  Rid of this negative force and get your own life back to good.

 

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You end this.  You should have been done after the first break up.  This is very a very sick relationship. 

  Why are you so dependent on him?

You are not helping him by staying with him.   This guy is emotionally abusive, he also has serious mental health issues which you are not qualified to handle.  This will never get better!

Edited by Hollyj
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1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@MissCanuck why is it toxic? 😳

 I suggest you reread your thread.   Also, you should get back into therapy.

End this and go no contact.  Forever!

Edited by Hollyj
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From the outside looking in, it’s very easy to see that the reason this has been so difficult and there have been so many issues is because you two need different things in order to be happy. You guys are not the right match for each other. I know it’s hard, and scary, but sometimes you have to let go of things so that better things can come together.

He’s served his purpose in your life. You’ve learned a lot about what you need to be happy, and what your dealbreakers are, through this relationship. Now it’s time to take what you’ve learned, let him go, and move as a wiser version of yourself, ready for whatever is next for you.

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@HollyjI don't see how abusive he is. Or, maybe I can't? (I've been in an abusive relationship with my mom. So maybe because I'm thankful there's no hitting, I accept this? I'm blind?)

When I told him I want to end it and regret coming back together, he told me "you just throw 6 years in bin? they don't mean anything for you? you don't want to do the efforts and fight?". So, I feel guilty? Why am I putting not enough efforts? why 😢

Thank you for suggesting me to do therapy. I stopped with my therapist in December, because he convinced me she wasn't good for me (she told me to leave, and told me he was manipulating me). I will see if I can book an appointment with her this week.

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@Rose Mosse Yes, indeed. We have a useless talk because he's like "I miss my work (in a school which is not open, and might not be). I miss my habits. I feel sad and nowhere. I need to go back to what I know". I don't know what to do about that. I'm afraid if I pick up my stuff and leave, it'll trigger a really bad depression in him and he'l put me in responsibility of it 😢 this is what he's done last time- but when I left, he started to try and fix the problem. May I say, our couple therapist told us that I tend to "flee" when faced with an argument, and he tends to "fight". If I say I had enough, he tells me I'm running away, won't listen (even-though we would have been talking for 1-2 hours), and he threatens leaving and staying outside. He would only listen if there's a possibility of us going back there. If I say it's not something I want, he starts stressing out and it gets tense. F*ck, what am I even doing here? Do I not count? Should I go back with him there (and accept to travel half the year abroad), just to please him and save "us"?

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2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@indea08 but he says 6 years can't go to waste. We should be able to manage everything (as if we're married?). Thank you for your advice.

Who cares what he says? He’s not God. And YOU are clearly not happy.

Six years hasn’t gone to waste. You’ve got memories and lessons learned. And honestly, this relationship probably shouldn’t have drug out for six years. You said yourself you should’ve stayed broken up. You’re not married. You’re free to go as you wish. So go.

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You could continue to let him call all the shots and make all the decisions.  How does staying with him the rest of your life EXACTLY AS HE IS NOW sound to you?

You must be getting something out of this sick and unbalanced dynamic, but I can't see what it is.

And for the record, when your friends and your therapist tell you the same thing, why don't you pay attention?  You paid your therapist only to ignore their advice? Does that even make sense?

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20 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@HollyjI don't see how abusive he is. Or, maybe I can't? (I've been in an abusive relationship with my mom. So maybe because I'm thankful there's no hitting, I accept this? I'm blind?)

When I told him I want to end it and regret coming back together, he told me "you just throw 6 years in bin? they don't mean anything for you? you don't want to do the efforts and fight?". So, I feel guilty? Why am I putting not enough efforts? why 😢

Thank you for suggesting me to do therapy. I stopped with my therapist in December, because he convinced me she wasn't good for me (she told me to leave, and told me he was manipulating me). I will see if I can book an appointment with her this week.

Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.   Your bf is very manipulative, angry, unkind and controlling.  You need to research this type of abusive behavior.   

How is this good for anyone: "He was angry about the country and would often throw tantrums/hit something in the house. He would follow me out of the house if I was upset and fed-up, and keep on yelling in my face. He also never treated me with kindness, generosity, or invited me for things "   This is awful!   Then you have this:" I just couldn't anymore between the lockdown and him crying, sobbing on the floor, threatening me, leaving the house then calling me and telling me to take him out of the bushes where he was crying."    You clearly are not good for one another, and the relationship is highly toxic and sick.   You need to get away from this guy and NOT stay in contact.   

Edited by Hollyj
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You have already lost six years to this guy, don't lose another minute.  I also suggest that you don't date for at least two years, get the needed therapy, and get yourself to a healthy place.  

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16 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@indea08 but he says 6 years can't go to waste. We should be able to manage everything (as if we're married?). Thank you for your advice.

Who cares what he says.  He will not get better.

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