Setting a weight loss goal before dating again...

[limichelle]

So I’m proud of myself I’ve gone awhile not looking to date anyone. I stopped after my breakup last August. It’s been a good 8 months of working on what I need to do. 
 

I have lost forty pounds during this time period. I’m working on loosing 30 more by July. Then I want to loose another 30 by January 2022. I won’t be at my ultimate weight loss goal but I’ll be 100 pounds down total. 
 

I’m finding as much as I will like to find my person and be in a relationship. I’m not there yet! I want to reach the sixty pound weight loss added onto my 40 by January. I feel the healthier I become the less serious medical issues such as the TIA I suffered back in February, I will have.  
 

I don’t want to be dating around doctors appointments! 
 

Plus it sounds vain but I want to look fitter.  I want to look more slender and put together. I right now have scraggly long hair and workout in pjs 😂 

 

So these are good goals. I wonder if this will improve my quality of the men I’ll attract? 
 

Ive had the worst luck in attracting weirdos in my past. Stalkers, to perverts, to those not wanting me to loose weight. 
 

I keep reading the more balanced you are everything flows. I’m just still nervous about going back on online dating. 
 

Any thoughts or suggestions? 
 

I’m still needing a ways to go but I’m looking ahead.

[Lambert]

Congratulations.  It's great you are setting goals, seeing some success and that sense of pride.  You're doing what's best for you and well, that's what's best for you.

I think it's only natural to want to attract better partners.  Especially, when we had some duds.  What kind of suggestions are you looking for?  If you want to lose a certain amount of weight before you put yourself out there, that's cool.  If you put yourself out and say you are looking for someone in a similar situation.  You know, someone more focused on starting a healthy lifestyle, weight management and working out together.  That could be a great way to meet someone and develop a bond through that common interest.

I don't know if goals help you attract better.  I don't know if you can help who you attract, exactly.  I mean plenty of people could be attracted to you.  They might creeps or weirdos, but you don't have to tolerate them.  Part of attracting better has a lot to do with only entertaining better.  If you get what I mean.  

Sometimes it takes a lot of frogs to find a prince.  But being the better princess doesn't mean you won't encounter frogs.  

It doesn't hurt to have a dating profile out there.  See what happens.  You don't have to date anyone.  You don't have to respond.  You could respond, meet and not click.  It is a numbers game.  just like jobs.  

Stay committed to your goals.  only consider men that seem to support the future vision of yourself.  You can't buy a red a shirt and then expect it to be blue. 

Hope that helps!!  Be proud of yourself and keep the healthy self talk up.  

[Jibralta]

40 pounds! That's an amazing accomplishment. Good work! 

1 hour ago, limichelle said:

I wonder if this will improve my quality of the men I’ll attract?

Not necessarily. There will always be stalkers, perverts, negative-nellies, and naysayers, no matter what your weight or what you look like. 

This is the key right here:

1 hour ago, limichelle said:

I keep reading the more balanced you are everything flows.

Losing weight will help you feel better about yourself mentally and physically. But it's not the silver bullet to inner peace. That's another journey, but it's one that you can start taking right now!

[limichelle]

Thank you to both! 
 

You both are absolutely right that my appearance won’t change who I attract. I feel though with higher self esteem though I won’t settle. I’ll know my worth and that’s something I’m still working on. 
 

I’m not ready to date until next Spring to be honest. I feel that my inner self needs more guidance. 
 

I worry I’m still in the ‘settle’ for a guy who’s nice because he’s nice not because we are compatible. Because im aware of this I am afraid to enter into the dating world right now. 
 

I guess the advice I was seeking was if loosing weight did increase better prospects but you guys answered that. 
 

Im feeling not as optimistic as I once was about dating at least right now in my frame of mind. 
 

What made you guys feel ready?

[Cherylyn]

Congratulations on getting healthy and for your weight loss! 🙂

I think you'll attract men who are also fit and healthy which is more relatable to those who practice same health habits and lifestyle. 

As for weirdos and undesirable men,  they're from all walks of life,  unfortunately.  🙁

You'll have to continue weeding out the bad apples and shop around.

As with men and woman, regardless of gender, most people are looking for "package deals" meaning not just healthy people in general but everything such as education, career, income, personality, characteristic traits, integrity or lack thereof, geography (locale ~ where you reside), religion or non-religion, family stability / background, some find common bonds with politics, sports, hobbies, interests (art / music), likes / dislikes, health habits, lifestyle, smoker / non-smoker, drugs / no drugs, entertainment habits, neat freak or slob and the list goes on. 

Getting healthy and weight loss are great.  However, it's not everything. 

I was ready because my career had been established and same with my husband's.  We were of very marriageable age (23 & 22), ready for marriage and starting a new life together.  We only dated 3 months and began talking marriage already.  We were engaged the following year and within the next year, we were married.  We rented an apartment, next we rented a condominium and after that we bought our first starter house.  We fixed up the first house and have since moved up 4 times after that.  We have two great sons and live a quiet, very settled and established life in suburbia.   We were fortunate to pay off our mortgage early. 

I never settled for just any guy.  i went on a few dates which were duds. 👎  I wanted to marry a nice guy from a good Christian family and I got him.  I was looking for a very moral man.  He's calm, poised, gentlemanly, humble and honorable.  He possesses aplomb.  I knew he was "thee one."  If I hadn't snatched him up quickly,  my husband would've been spoken for by some other lucky lady.  I truly believe all the good ones are taken early!  My husband was a good catch.  He has a great job and provided a very comfortable lifestyle for me and my sons.  In other words, I found the complete OPPOSITE of my alcoholic, chain-smoking, wife beater late father. 😪 😡 I vowed never to repeat my mother's mistake! 

[Lambert]

My philosophy or mindset around ready is less focused on ready and more focused on recognizing when you are not ready.  The number one thing, I always keep in mind is, hurt people, hurt people.  So anytime there is some unfinished business or whatever you want to call it, with someone, it's best to stay single.  

that also means if you are hurting or feeling needy or feeling like "I have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend" then, maybe you're not ready.  Don't confuse that with wanting a boyfriend or a girlfriend.  That's perfectly cool and all.  You have to date to find them.  

My thing about ready is, get ready.  Keep working on yourself, meeting people. if it feels right, doesn't hurt anyone, isn't some ulterior motive to make you feel better about yourself, than it's all good. 

Be ready to pass on what doesn't feel right.  And that's the big thing.  You can date a lot but not be in a relationship or it not lead to one, until it does.  When it does, you want to be ready.  

Always be in a state of getting ready.  By focusing on your own goals for yourself & doing you, you can't go wrong.  Don't let people bring you down.  If you feel you are settling, you are.  If it's pulling you away from what makes you feel good about yourself, you're settling.  If the guy or gal is healing themselves, stay away. 

You can undo a lot of great work on yourself, hooking your cart to a busted down wagon.  Learn to trust yourself to protect yourself through good choices.  

You can put yourself out there and still not go on dates.  If no one interests you, don't force it. you are enough on your own.  you don't have to make things happen or feel pressured.  It's really not a contest.  You're ready when you want to put it out there and you don't feel like one rejection is going to put you back on all the work you've been doing.

Keep being true to you.  You'll get there.

[Lambert]

25 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Congratulations on getting healthy and for your weight loss! 🙂

I think you'll attract men who are also fit and healthy which is more relatable to those who practice same health habits and lifestyle. 

As for weirdos and undesirable men,  they're from all walks of life,  unfortunately.  🙁

You'll have to continue weeding out the bad apples and shop around.

As with men and woman, regardless of gender, most people are looking for "package deals" meaning not just healthy people in general but everything such as education, career, income, personality, characteristic traits, integrity or lack thereof, geography (locale ~ where you reside), religion or non-religion, family stability / background, some find common bonds with politics, sports, hobbies, interests (art / music), likes / dislikes, health habits, lifestyle, smoker / non-smoker, drugs / no drugs, entertainment habits, neat freak or slob and the list goes on. 

Getting healthy and weight loss are great.  However, it's not everything. 

Cherlyn!  This is so true.  Not everyone wants to get healthy.  I was in a store today.  When I walked in there was a couple looking at the weekly specials flyer.  I only noticed them because they were in the doorway and I thought it was cute how intently they were reading the circular together. 

A few minutes later, I hear them in the candy isle.  And he was asking her very serious questions about what which candy they were gonna get and what was her favorite.  It was so sweet.  They know what they like and they picked it together.  Calories be damned!!  🙂 

Meanwhile I was like NOOO EASTER CANDY LAMBERT!!! haha  

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Cherlyn!  This is so true.  Not everyone wants to get healthy.  I was in a store today.  When I walked in there was a couple looking at the weekly specials flyer.  I only noticed them because they were in the doorway and I thought it was cute how intently they were reading the circular together. 

A few minutes later, I hear them in the candy isle.  And he was asking her very serious questions about what which candy they were gonna get and what was her favorite.  It was so sweet.  They know what they like and they picked it together.  Calories be damned!!  🙂 

Meanwhile I was like NOOO EASTER CANDY LAMBERT!!! haha  

I wish I could eat what I'm not supposed to.  What stops me is that I feel so physically awful hours later and even the following day.  🥴  I can't even exercise efficiently after eating badly.  😡😒

I like red jelly beans!  I like chocolate!   I'd better not otherwise there's h____ to pay! 😟

[Lambert]

18 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I wish I could eat what I'm not supposed to.  What stops me is that I feel so physically awful hours later and even the following day.  🥴  I can't even exercise efficiently after eating badly.  😡😒

I like red jelly beans!  I like chocolate!   I'd better not otherwise there's h____ to pay! 😟

Same here!

Diet makes a huge difference in how I feel on any given day.  and it definitely helps me to eat better because I don't want to feel like poop. 

 

[Cherylyn]

3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Same here!

Diet makes a huge difference in how I feel on any given day.  and it definitely helps me to eat better because I don't want to feel like poop. 

 

I agree.  After eating badly, I'm extremely fatigued, have zero energy, feel sluggish and tired for days and days.  It is true:  You are what you eat.

[lostandhurt]

I think the answer is yes and no.  YES you may attract more men that are on a similar journey of improvement which is a good thing right?  More physically active men would be better don't you think?

It could be NO if you cannot weed out the jerks, sure more attractive men may contact you but that doesn't mean they are better, just more physically attractive.

If you are losing weight for yourself then I think it is great and the results will last but if your ultimate goal is mostly to land a handsome guy then will it last?

Getting healthy is the best reason to lose weight and your progress so far is really remarkable.  Well done!!!

I am sure you have a exercise and food plan, is there mind plan to go with it?

No matter what happens you are an inspiration to others.

 

Lost

 

[Rose Mosse]

I think you should (we should all) strive to accept ourselves exactly as we are. 

When you feel good about yourself, you'll spend less time worrying if you're good enough for someone else and more time screening out people who aren't compatible. I would say keep losing weight if this brings you greater peace of mind because once you get there, you'll be able to focus on other things going on around you. If someone doesn't like you for your size or what you like to eat, pass them on. That person is not for you and that is perfectly fine. If I could summarize in one sentence: never compromise loving yourself as you are for some other version you think you ought to be.

Glad to hear you are feeling good!

[Lambert]

9 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I think you should (we should all) strive to accept ourselves exactly as we are. 

When you feel good about yourself, you'll spend less time worrying if you're good enough for someone else and more time screening out people who aren't compatible. I would say keep losing weight if this brings you greater peace of mind because once you get there, you'll be able to focus on other things going on around you. If someone doesn't like you for your size or what you like to eat, pass them on. That person is not for you and that is perfectly fine. If I could summarize in one sentence: never compromise loving yourself as you are for some other version you think you ought to be.

Glad to hear you are feeling good!

Rose makes a great point.

I personally have been in shape and out of shape at different times in my life for different reasons. But I'm realizing how important health is. Health is the new wealth. 

And not just in this pandemic. underlying health issues (including obesity) is a factor if you get it.  but even if you don't. life long medication and treatments are expensive and lead to more health problems with age

I'm all for NOT shaming people over appearance and weight.  we should love ourselves no matter what. But that love should include some tough love like- better diet, lots of rest some movement throughout the day, no drugs, no smoking, litlle to no alcohol most days, pushing ourselves to do the things that exercise our brains and challenging ourselves some how everyday. 

That's how you save your mental health, through purpose and small goals. Those feelings of doing right, accomplishing something (even small things) can re train you to only want what's good for you. when you do have a treat, you see it as a treat. not reward.

I am my best when I'm actively cheering myself on. I get up in the morning... its gonna be a good day.  Make some coffee..  oh this coffee is good! I'm gonna take a shower, put on some good tunes, feels good! you get what I'm saying?🤪 it works! you come across a jerk. you say away from them is good! 

I hope everyone feels good today! 

 

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, limichelle said:

Im feeling not as optimistic as I once was about dating at least right now in my frame of mind. 
 

What made you guys feel ready?

I've always made it a priority to be well-balanced when it comes to romantic relationships--it's a promise I made to myself as a teenager. So, I've tried to remain observant of the overall health of the relationships that I've been in. I did have stupid, useless crushes, and I did make dumb mistakes. But generally speaking, I think I've been pretty good at keeping things in perspective. I didn't try to force my relationships into being something that they weren't. I've never allowed them to overtake my life.

One thing I used to do a lot was imagine myself married to the person I was dating--that scared me out of a lot of relationships lol! As a result, many of my relationships (up until I was 34!) did not last past the two- or three-month mark. Which, if you think about it, makes sense, since that's when the hormones generally dissipate and the 'masks' come off. There were some longer relationships, but not many.

I did notice a shift in the dating pool as I got older. Men seemed less interested in getting to know me as a person. I don't know why that happened.

I took a break from dating from 30 - 32, to focus on graduate school. When I started dating again at age 32, I met a lot of frogs. Lots of guys portrayed themselves as being a good partner, then tried to flip the script (while maintaining that they were a good partner).

I think the key to getting through that was letting the relationship die, ASAP. It wasn't always easy because sometimes I didn't know if I was crazy or if they were crazy. I decided to err on the side of them being crazy, and that was the right choice. It really doesn't matter if either of us was 'crazy' or not. 

Eventually, I met a guy that really scared me. He was amazing at first. Things moved really fast, even though there were a lot of red flags (the speed and intensity of the relationship being one of these). About a month in, I realized that this guy was probably an abuser. I spent the next month carefully backing out of the relationship.

After that, I decided to stop being naïve about red flags. I met a couple more guys online, all of whom obliquely badmouthed an ex or women in general ("You're not like other girls"). I decided to shut down my online dating profile. The dating game was no longer fun. It was stupid and boring. I was tired. 

I think that was a pivotal moment. Shutting the door on a lot of nonsense helped me to enjoy my life. About 8 months later, I reached out to an old friend on facebook and asked him to dinner/lunch. We eventually met up, started dating, and are still together now, nine years later. It's a great relationship. We both agree that if we'd gotten together earlier in life (and there were opportunities), it never would have been as good as it is now.

 

[Hollyj]

I think it is fantastic that you have lost so much weight.  You should be proud!

Attracting weirdos and creeps has nothing to do with weight, but what you thought that you deserved.  You choose them.   Key into what people say and act on red flags, then you will be less likely to encounter the creeps.  Plenty of gorgeous women have ended up with jerks, as it boils downs to self esteem.  We need to work on the outside, just as much as the inside.  

[Hollyj]

13 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I wish I could eat what I'm not supposed to.  What stops me is that I feel so physically awful hours later and even the following day.  🥴  I can't even exercise efficiently after eating badly.  😡😒

I like red jelly beans!  I like chocolate!   I'd better not otherwise there's h____ to pay! 😟

Me, too.  I now see that it is a blessing that high fat food makes me feel ill.  

I went to a birthday party last night.  I had to order separately, as the rest of the group ate fried food.   I had my grilled meat, lentils, and yummy salad.   I was happy! :)  But, I am not so happy when i can't eat family style, as I feel it is an inconvenience to others.  

[limichelle]

Wow! So much great insight! 
 

I am definitely loosing weight for myself! In fact I’m not dating right now because I don’t want any guy trying to interfere with that.  So I’m wanting to be healthy for myself. 
 

I feel not ready because I need to improve the inner some more. 
 

When I do get back out there I’ll be wiser with who I choose to date. I’ll not just date anyone and I’ll be very selective. 
 

I know there will be weirdos no matter what and I’ll definitely steer clear. 
 

im having a lot of time for self reflection of what I did wrong in past relationships and learning how not to repeat the same mistakes. 
 

It all really comes down to self esteem. I had suffered low self esteem for years. We stay in bad situations with lower self esteem because we think that’s either what we deserve or we can’t find better.

 

Now that I’m loving myself more and being more accepting with myself. I know I deserve the best. 
 

 

[limichelle]

Update:

 

Im going back to school this fall. So hopefully I’ll meet someone nice there. 

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, limichelle said:

Update:

 

Im going back to school this fall. So hopefully I’ll meet someone nice there. 

Wow, that's wonderful. 

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, limichelle said:

Im going back to school this fall.

Cool! What are you studying?

6 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

So hopefully I’ll meet someone nice there. 

I thought you didn't want to date until next spring. What changed?

[limichelle]

Thanks!

 

Im deciding on doing the Medical Billing and Coding program I can’t get in until the Spring so I’m taking a class before it in the fall a computer course to get back into the swing of things.

 

As for finding someone nice I meant in general. I don’t want to date until the Spring as in I won’t be looking on online dating sites. If it happens that I do meet someone at school whether it be fall or spring it will be fine. I can’t really help it if I meet someone sooner then expected at school. 

[tattoobunnie]

With getting my boob implants, it opened up my entire world of dating.

Bravo to 40 lbs!!!!

I'm on Noom, and lost 37 lbs since August, and to be honest, you can love yourself, think you're awesome, and nothing wrong with wanting to look trim.

Kudos on your hard work, and I know you will get to your goal!

[catfeeder]

On 3/28/2021 at 12:16 PM, limichelle said:

When I do get back out there I’ll be wiser with who I choose to date. I’ll not just date anyone and I’ll be very selective. 

Yes, this is important. You'll know you're ready when your focus is less concerned with who you'll attract and more interested in what kind of man attracts YOU.

When you feel good enough about yourself to have clarity about What You Want, you won't get sidelined by taking up with just anyone who might have you.

Be picky, and you will thank yourself for clearing your way to meet the RIGHT guy instead of settling for just any guy.

This doesn't guarantee that a person you choose will never disappoint you, but it narrows your focus down to ONLY men with whom you have a good shot at happiness rather than hiding glaring errors from yourself.

We can never get back any time we waste on boneheads. 

Head high, you're on the right track!