Jump to content

what to do when your opposite sex communication boundaries don't align?


tommyd

Recommended Posts

can a relationship work if we dont have the same belief about boundaries.

been living together for 2 years, she has a 2nd job as a bartender, she has been hurt in the past (cheated on). 

she has many male acquaintances she stays in contact with on fb messenger. some are "new".

she is somewhat naive, thinks single guys just want to be friends, doesn't think guys being flirtatious and hitting on her on messenger is a big deal. 

she is used to making herself seem available and leaves door open for anyone to contact her.

she swears she will never cheat (physical or emotional) and i believe her. but i have issues with who and how she communicates with some guys.

i have expressed my concerns about he interactions on several occasions, she says i am over reacting and invalidates my concerns and feelings.

however there is a patter with her behavior.

she was recently single when we started dating, so she stayed in contact with other guys. told me about some who asked her to come to their house or bought her gifts. i explained i didnt want her encouraging this behavior by allowing it to continue and that they were interested in being more than friends. she later found out this to be true. she said she would stop talk to them but continued as she didnt want to hurt their feelings. i found out later another guy asked her for nudes and to come to his place to lockdown for covid. she realized this behavior was inappropriate and stopped these chats - for a while at least. i saw they were still chatting, she said it was for "work" - they have no work connection. the other day while out on a date (we got drunk) he showed up to where we were drinking. later that night i saw a  message she sent to an her ex fling saying she missed him alot. she didnt know i saw it and in the morning the chat history was deleted. she claims she has no recollection of it and deletes chats because they are not important. but she only does this with guys because she fears how i will react. she admits she does stupid things when she is drunk

i accept she needs to have some contact with guys for work. im ok with that.

lying about ending contact, kept talk to guys who asked her for nudes, msg her ex when with me about how she missed him. hiding convos, deleting chats, not telling me about who she is talking to. muting notifications. she has an excuse to invalidate its importance or how i feel about everything.

do i accept she wont cheat so just be okay with how she interacts with random guys?

its more about respect than jealously at his point. 

what do i do?

Link to comment

I am sorry you are going through this. There is a difference between innocent behavior and guilty behavior I think. Guilty behavior is when you do something you wouldn’t want your significant other to see. That’s when something private becomes something secret. I think you need to set a clear boundary on her not deleting her chats. The chat deletion is a red flag for me. I would also feel uncomfortable with my significant other staying in contact with people who were only sexually interested in them if they were trying to build something with me. It doesn’t help build connection. Talking to the guy who asked for nudes is completely inappropriate. There needs to be some boundaries set at minimum and she seems to be unwilling to bend on any (none mentioned here at least). 
 

On the other hand, I don’t necessarily link flirtation/ validation/ thirst ones to cheating.  It doesn’t always mean that. But it’s certainly just not good for connection and comfort. 

Link to comment

She's not dumb or naive, I think she knows exactly what she's doing and she enjoys if. She's a bartender, of course she gets guys hitting on her and she knows it's not just as friends. I think she actually really enjoys all the guys' attention and she knows very well what she's doing. Another strong sign of that is that she's deleting conversations, so she has something to hide. I personally wouldn't continue dating her because I think she doesn't really respect your relationship. It's one thing just to speak to guys at work because it's her job. But adding all these guys to social media is very inappropriate. If she has her ex's on social media and talks to them often, plus adds a lot of other new guys, that's very shady. Of course she knows they don't just want to be friends. She's lying to you so that's a big red flag too.

Link to comment

You have been 'living together' for 2 yrs?  How long dating before this?

I do not agree with the way she is behaving.  Her overly-flirtiness to hiding her chats with these other men... And to be saying things like that to 'an ex'?  Ah, no.

As mentioned ^ , she does not need to be adding all of these guys to her chat.  No need for that, so this shows she does not have much respect for your relationship 😕 .

I wonder if she is just a young lady?  Who is insecure and seeks the male attention- which is not right, as she is with you.

I feel you should put her on the spot.. Either be honest & respectful with you & your relationship- and stop all of this nonsense, or you're done. ( she cannot have both). Because, I think if someone is truly 'happy' in their relationship, they will not act out like this.

Link to comment

You don't necessarily have to have the same values in a relationship, but you do have to respect each other's values.

She may believe that what she is doing is ok. But she knows that it bothers you, and she does it anyway. That's not respectful.

One could argue that she is a bartender, and flirting helps to get tips... but you also have to weigh in the fact that she's been dishonest with you about some of the interactions she's having.

She's been hiding, muting, lying about, and deleting interactions that are obviously suspicious, like telling her ex that she misses him. 

10 hours ago, tommyd said:

what do i do?

Date somebody who respects your values. Hint: It's not her. You can't change people.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...