Is she really my friend?

[ForeverLearning]

Hi, 

I’m female and in my mid to early twenties. I have been friends with this girl for about a decade. She’s about 5 years older than me. So she’s kinda like a sister. Someone I go to when times are tough. Shes usually a tough love kinda person and tells it how it is. I really appreciate that but recently she’s been overly critical of my life choices. Such as comparing my relationship to hers insinuating that hers is better or saying how I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t really want to talk to her because it brings out a bad side of me because every conversation feels super passive aggressive and I believe that’s completely unnecessary. Am I just being sensitive or is she just plain rude? 

[reinventmyself]

Friends are voluntary relationships and should enrich your life.  If it doesn't feel good, don't do it.

No you aren't being insensitive.  People that like to make comparisons to feel superior at your expense are usually just insecure bullies.

[ForeverLearning]

2 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Friends are voluntary relationships and should enrich your life.  If it doesn't feel good, don't do it.

No you aren't being insensitive.  People that like to make comparisons to feel superior at your expense are usually just insecure bullies.

Yeah I feel really stupid for coming to her with personal issues in the past. Now she kinda just uses it against me to “show” how I don’t have my sh*t together. Meanwhile, she never shares her hardships and acts like her life is perfect. 

[Batya33]

So have you two actually been friends or is it more you go to her for advice?  How often did she come to you to chat about whatever, catch up, or ask you for advice?  Maybe she got tired of it being one sided.  In which case she should have been direct with you rather than getting all critical/judgey.

[ForeverLearning]

Just now, Batya33 said:

So have you two actually been friends or is it more you go to her for advice?  How often did she come to you to chat about whatever, catch up, or ask you for advice?  Maybe she got tired of it being one sided.  In which case she should have been direct with you rather than getting all critical/judgey.

Actually friends. We catch up every couple days or so. She talks about mundane things that go in her life but nothing too deep. I guess I get to deep with her when it comes to important things. Something I would never do again. 

[Batya33]

So being a positive person and choosing not to share struggles with others is not the same thing as pretending life is perfect.  Certainly people should confide in each other to be close but some people think that if the person isn't sharing drama/scandal/struggles then it's not a close friendship.  I feel differently - a person can simply choose to deal with hardships on her own, with a therapist, with a religious figure, with her mom and not come across as "life is perfect" - two different things.  It sounds like you think she brags.  That means her life is not perfect.

[Batya33]

Just now, ForeverLearning said:

Actually friends. We catch up every couple days or so. She talks about mundane things that go in her life but nothing too deep. I guess I get to deep with her when it comes to important things. Something I would never do again. 

So have you had deep discussions about other topics other than your hardships? I don't think you got too deep -I think that you saw her as an older sister, and a sort of therapist and she liked that role until she didn't.  And she went about showing you she didn't like it by acting like a jerk.

[ForeverLearning]

Just now, Batya33 said:

So being a positive person and choosing not to share struggles with others is not the same thing as pretending life is perfect.  Certainly people should confide in each other to be close but some people think that if the person isn't sharing drama/scandal/struggles then it's not a close friendship.  I feel differently - a person can simply choose to deal with hardships on her own, with a therapist, with a religious figure, with her mom and not come across as "life is perfect" - two different things.  It sounds like you think she brags.  That means her life is not perfect.

Well when I ask her about things she talks about how great her life is or how her and her partner never fight like me and mine do. Like if something is going bad in my life, she compares it to her own and shows how that bad thing isn’t happening to her.  

[ForeverLearning]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

So have you had deep discussions about other topics other than your hardships? I don't think you got too deep -I think that you saw her as an older sister, and a sort of therapist and she liked that role until she didn't.  And she went about showing you she didn't like it by acting like a jerk.

Yeah maybe. I also made a big career move where I’m earning a lot more than her. She wasn’t as happy for me as I thought she’d be.

[SooSad33]

14 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said:

Well when I ask her about things she talks about how great her life is or how her and her partner never fight like me and mine do. Like if something is going bad in my life, she compares it to her own and shows how that bad thing isn’t happening to her.  

First of all... is normal.  Every couple will argue/disagree over things.

To not have this.. is odd. ( She's maybe superior or rules that roost 😉 ).

If she acts 'too good' and criticizes you , where you feel like dirt, maybe just back off all that & stop confiding in her.

Sometimes, we learn what does us good.. or not.  I've had to disown a few friends in my day.

[Jibralta]

13 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said:

Well when I ask her about things she talks about how great her life is or how her and her partner never fight like me and mine do. Like if something is going bad in my life, she compares it to her own and shows how that bad thing isn’t happening to her.  

You go to her when times are tough because she's five years older than you, has more life experience, and she tells you the truth. 

What else is she supposed to draw from besides her own life experience? What else can she show you?

Maybe bad things aren't happening to her because she knows how to avoid them. Maybe her relationship is awesome, and she's showing you that you can do better.

And maybe she seems 'overly critical' because you've been going to her for advice for ten years and she's developed some of her own opinions about how you're living your life.

Just some thoughts.

[ForeverLearning]

2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

First of all... is normal.  Every couple will argue/disagree over things.

To not have this.. is odd. ( She's maybe superior or rules that roost 😉 ).

If she acts 'too good' and criticizes you , where you feel like dirt, maybe just back off all that & stop confiding in her.

Sometimes, we learn what does us good.. or not.  I've had to disown a few friends in my day.

Yeah I haven’t confided in her in over a month. Now it’s just basic stuff

[ForeverLearning]

3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

You go to her when times are tough because she's five years older than you, has more life experience, and she tells you the truth. 

What else is she supposed to draw from besides her own life experience? What else can she show you?

Maybe bad things aren't happening to her because she knows how to avoid them. Maybe her relationship is awesome, and she's showing you that you can do better.

And maybe she seems 'overly critical' because you've been going to her for advice for ten years and she's developed some of her own opinions about how you're living your life.

Just some thoughts.

Which is completely fair. That’s part of why I like talking to her because she won’t sugar coat it. But I think it kinda crosses a line when she tries to make me bad for things I did years ago. Or she brings up irrelevant things to make me feel even worse in a bad situation. 

[Rose Mosse]

I think you need better boundaries. Don't share with her as much about your personal issues or give it a rest. She doesn't sound very pleasant and may have problems of her own she doesn't share with you. 

Set limits for time if she starts to go downhill or can't help herself. Politely let her know you have to leave or pick something up. It's one thing to offer useful feedback or help and it's another to totally demoralize someone because of poor choices they made 10 years ago. This makes no sense at all. 

 

[ForeverLearning]

3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I think you need better boundaries. Don't share with her as much about your personal issues or give it a rest. She doesn't sound very pleasant and may have problems of her own she doesn't share with you. 

Set limits for time if she starts to go downhill or can't help herself. Politely let her know you have to leave or pick something up. It's one thing to offer useful feedback or help and it's another to totally demoralize someone because of poor choices they made 10 years ago. This makes no sense at all. 

 

Thank you. I don’t plan to confide in her ever again. 

[Cherylyn]

I'm a friend and a sister.  Friendships even with siblings require finesse.  Tough love is helpful if you're willing to  hear what you don't want to hear regarding how to correct your life by making wise choices.  Tough love is unwelcome if it's perceived as criticism and judgment instead of insights. 

It's rude if tough love is considered a strong opinion as opposed to counsel.  It really depends on how this information is conveyed to you, how it's said (or written), how you receive this information and if you feel close enough to either dispense or receive it.

I doubt it's about comparing it to her perfect life.  She sounds like she has your best interests at heart because people who don't genuinely care wouldn't risk saying anything just to get a rise out of you.  People who don't care about your welfare wouldn't bother telling you how they feel about your choices in life and how you can correct your path.  Indifferent people wouldn't give you the time of day. 

People can still dispense advice while maintaining their privacy. 

I don't think it's neither passive aggressive nor rude.  I don't think you're sensitive either.  Both of you are not comfortable with this dynamic.  You consider it rude whereas she considers it a form of intimacy to give you her honest opinions. 

If she's giving you unsolicited advice, yes, it's rude.  If you're asking for advice or her opinion and she's brutally honest and you don't approve, then no, it's not rude.  It's simply hearing what you don't want to hear.  Some people are prideful and only wish to hear positive comments and nothing else.  When comments are negative or makes them look as if they don't know how to make wise choices, then it feels insulting. 

You need to have an open mind in order to receive constructive criticism.  If you don't have thick skin, then don't confide anymore. 

I think what you want is a good listener.  I'm this type of friend and sister.  I have very strong opinions about my friend and sister's life yet I don't say anything.  I'm encouraging.  However, I don't criticize other people's predicaments as I haven't walked a mile in their shoes.  All I can do is be kind and a gentle, supportive friend and sister. 

With friends, a person has to walk a fine line and not cross certain lines otherwise friendships (or any relationship) can sorely backfire.  All relationships and friendships require enforced healthy boundaries. 

Since your friend is older, she has taken the big sister role and coaches you much to your chagrin and dismay.  Her criticisms make you feel like a doofus.   

A truly good friend, doesn't offend.  A good friend walks on eggshells for fear of saying or writing the wrong words.  Your friend does neither.  She won't change for you.  Either accept her as she is or find a replacement. 

Don't confide anymore.  Don't get personal if you don't want to hear her opinions.  Only engage in superficial conversations if you wish to play it safe.  If you don't want to invite criticism, don't make yourself vulnerable in the first place.  Don't make yourself an easy target.  Best to err on the side of caution by keeping your mouth shut. 

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, ForeverLearning said:

But I think it kinda crosses a line when she tries to make me bad for things I did years ago. Or she brings up irrelevant things to make me feel even worse in a bad situation. 

No argument here, but can you give examples?

[Cherylyn]

You mentioned that she makes you feel bad by mentioning what you did years ago.  It sounds like she never got over it.  She hasn't quite forgiven you whatever your transgression was.

Have you ever apologized?  If you admitted wrongdoing, said you were sorry and vowed not to repeat your same mistake, she shouldn't remind you of your past wrongs because it's over especially if you've expressed remorse. 

She brings up irrelevant things to make you feel even worse in a bad situation.  It sounds like she's gaslighting you.  (Google "gaslighting.") 

You need to rethink and determine if she's worth keeping as a friend or not. 

If you don't need her, if she does not enrich nor benefit your life in a rewarding, positive way, then why have a friend as you had described? 

[Batya33]

You got some great input here.  One thing stood out to me.  First of all why do you know you're making a lot more money (sometimes it's obvious -a financial executive will make more than a public school entry level teacher). Why should she be happy you are making more money now?  Is this part of a promotion of some sort, etc -I can see being happy for someone who received a promotion she worked hard for -whether it included more money or not- but simply telling someone you got a big raise - that can be awkward and sensitive.  

[Cherylyn]

12 hours ago, ForeverLearning said:

Yeah maybe. I also made a big career move where I’m earning a lot more than her. She wasn’t as happy for me as I thought she’d be.

Be careful even with friends and family (relatives / in-laws).  You have to remain humble and very modest.  Don't brag nor boast otherwise you will make yourself vulnerable to verbal or written attack.  What sounds like good, happy news to you, will not be received well once you blab to everyone how wonderful your life is.  Some people become instantly jealous, envious or they simply don't like the fact that you are happy.  This is how people are no matter who they are.  They'll criticize you the minute they hear of your good mood or good fortune.  It's the way of the world.

A lot of people are in the "misery loves company" mindset.  They want to deliberately make you feel miserable just as they are. 

Confiding may be innocent enough.  However, don't be naive.  When you talk too much or write too much regarding your personal or private life (money, relationships, job status, etc.), you're an easy target for vicious criticism, sarcasm and cynicism at your expense and some people are cruel by mocking, humiliating and ridiculing you. 

I've had a lot of experience with all sorts of personalities and disdainful characters as you can tell.

If you are secure and self confident, you don't have to say anything.  I've noticed that the more successful, content and set a person is, the more silent they become.   I once asked my mother, "Why?"  She said, "Because they're secure.  That's why.  Secure people don't feel the need to impress anyone." 

 

[catfeeder]

Tough 'love' is only love when it's designed to serve your best interests.

This woman sounds only self-interested, and her rudeness serves no other purpose than to make you feel lousy.

So, what's your payoff in sticking around for that?

I wouldn't burn any bridges with a confrontation, but I'd fade her out--fast.

If she calls you on that, I'd frankly tell her that you don't enjoy your conversations lately because of the way she speaks to you. Then just leave it at that without defending your position. Just walk away quietly and let her chew on it.

[Wiseman2]

Friends are like electrons orbiting around the nucleus.

The nucleus is comprised of neutrons and protons (you)

Electrons jump to inner and outer orbiting rings all the time, depending on thier energy..

Sometimes electrons are gained or lost. But the nucleus remains the same.

When there's a change in electrons it's because nothing in life is static.

Even stable atoms and molecules have this activity.

Now. Some friends are more like radioactive material. More unstable.

So this friend simply moved from the friend ring to the acquaintance ring.

 

[greendots]

Have you tried looking at your situation from a different angle?

There's a reason she follows "tough love" that has nothing to do with you but her. Maybe 'tough love' is the way she grew up, maybe she's never really experienced empathy and therefore doesn't know how to show some, maybe 'tough love' is how she copes with life and thus expects others to follow suit, etc. And just because she claims that her marriage or whatever is blissful doesn't mean there aren't any hiccups. Being vulnerable and sharing what's really going on isn't easy for everyone.

Have you spoken to her about how her attitude and words make you feel?

[ForeverLearning]

On 3/26/2021 at 5:33 AM, Batya33 said:

You got some great input here.  One thing stood out to me.  First of all why do you know you're making a lot more money (sometimes it's obvious -a financial executive will make more than a public school entry level teacher). Why should she be happy you are making more money now?  Is this part of a promotion of some sort, etc -I can see being happy for someone who received a promotion she worked hard for -whether it included more money or not- but simply telling someone you got a big raise - that can be awkward and sensitive.  

I see what you mean. I had just mentioned to her I was thinking about taking a new job which is where she asked the pros and cons. Salary was one of the cons so yeah..

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, ForeverLearning said:

I see what you mean. I had just mentioned to her I was thinking about taking a new job which is where she asked the pros and cons. Salary was one of the cons so yeah..

Yes and there's a way of expressing that without being in a person's face about it.  My friend just told me about a job opportunity that fell in her lap -early stages- that would mean a lot more money for her and her family . I actually do know the range she's referring to as I'm familiar with that market.  But she didn't tell me the $ nor did I ask, and she knows our situation generally and she knows me since 1998 - so with all that she was discreet about the money opportunity and I was delighted for her that she's been considered.  It's fine to say "the con would involve a pay cut" - because that's general -there's no comparison, etc.  People get that pay cuts can be a negative (not always though).