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My bully from the past is friends with my boyfriends brother


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Hi everyone,
It is a complicated story, but I really need advice on how to live with this situation..
I met my boyfriend in april 2019, when he was best friends with her for almost 1.5 years. I'm not saying her name because I want this story to be anonymous. But I am friends with her sister and she used to bully me a couple of years ago at high school. It stopped when she left high school and she suddenly acted nice to me (well.. she still was mean behind my back). Back in the time I put the trauma of the bullying away. I also suffered from mental ilnesses but I got therapy for that.
Me and my boyfriend didn't talk a lot back then, I just met him through her. But in summer 2019 he went on a holiday to a country my family is from, so I texted him asking if he liked it in that country. We started to talk more and more and we got in to a relationship in september 2019. Right before we got together, her sister, my friend, told me that my almost-boyfriend had a crush on her not long ago but she rejected him. So back then, I asked him what was going on and he told me it was months ago (january 2019) when he had a dark time and that he wanted to tell me but he was ashamed about it. I believed him and we got together, he got in to a fight with that girl and she blocked him and they didn't talk anymore.

I never felt jealous about his past crush on her, but then she started to talk to my boyfriends brother in decemer 2020. Then she started to hang out with him and she came to their house. When I saw her in their house, I started to have a panic attack. All the memories of the bullying came up, plus the thought that my boyfriend used to like her. I cried all night when I came home, and I told my boyfriend about it. He understood that I felt really bad, and assured me that he is really over her. A couple of years ago I used to have panic attacks every day (and i got therapy for it as said earlier) and it was traumatising to go through another one when not having a single one for two years. A month ago, she was at their house again. And as unlucky as I am, she came exactly when I was at their house again. I got another panic attack but this time at the dining table and I didn't eat anything because of it. I was too scared to tell his parents about the past, so I didn't say anyting.
But my boyfriend told his parents that I'm not comfortable with another guest at their house as the government had upped the coronavirus restrictions to one guest per household. I thought it was the perfect excuse. But when I was at their home three weeks later, they told the girl would come over in an hour, so I bursted out in tears in front of his parents. My boyfriend explained the situation because I had another panic attack and I couldn't talk. 

His mother said to me that the girl had been nothing than nice to her and that she will always be welcome. She also said she is changed and kept saying how nice she is while the girl has only been there a few times. She also kept saying she hopes she and his brother will get in to a relationship. Meanwhile she isn't changed and she was still mean to me. I blocked her on all social media a month ago because I kept looking at her instagram pics. His brother did understand though, and he went to her place instead of her coming to their house. He also said he only wants to be friends with her so I should not worry. But I just don't understand how his mother has zero understanding for how traumatizing it was for me and DEFENDED that girl. A month later, I'm still upset with the reaction of his mother. I have an anxious feeling she will be there next sunday when I'm at their place and I really don't wanna go and have another panic attack

What should I do? Please help :(

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Firstly, I'm sorry you were bullied at school. That is terrible. Bullies look for people who can't speak or can't talk or have something different or wrong about them (supposedly "wrong") because they don't fit in. You have to leave that mindset behind and stop seeing yourself as a victim of the past because it's going to cost you more relationships if you keep thinking people ought to fight your battles for you or stick up for you. The world just doesn't do that so don't put that expectation out there like you're putting that expectation on his mother to make you the only guest in the house or side with you. If they have a different opinion, you have to let that slide. If his mother made inappropriate comments about you personally, that's something else altogether but she didn't.

My suggestion is to make a decision about whether you want to date your boyfriend. He's certain he wants to be friends with this girl so you'll either have to respect that or walk away from it. It's not a good idea trying to ask anyone to conform to your rules, especially the owners of a house that doesn't belong to you. Do you know why you want to be with him? I ask to get a better idea of how interested you are in him and where you see yourself in this relationship. 

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

You have to realize your boyfriend’s mother has TWO sons and she can’t favour one boy’s girlfriend over the other. 
 

Maybe time to return to therapy ?

As stated, this girl is NOT the brother's girlfriend. I suspect she sought out this brother simply to create the drama that she is doing right now to break this couple up. She is in essence continuing to bully the OP in an underhanded passive aggressive way using the brother and "friendship" to get to her. 

The brother would be smart to tell the chick he knows what she is up to and to cease all contact with her. Their "friendship" is new and by aligning himself with this trainwreck he is showing a marked disloyalty to his own brother. 

The mother is a piece of work and full of shyt if you ask me. I would just not go over to their house anymore ever. He would have to come to mine. That way all the bully's power is taken away because she will NEVER be invited to OP's house so OP is then free of her. The reward bully girl was hoping to get will be snatched away from her.

So make that your goal and tell your boyfriend that you are not going to his house again ever and if that is a problem to let you know so you two can break it off now before you get in too deep. 

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5 minutes ago, Debsterism said:

As stated, this girl is NOT the brother's girlfriend. I suspect she sought out this brother simply to create the drama that she is doing right now to break this couple up. She is in essence continuing to bully the OP in an underhanded passive aggressive way using the brother and "friendship" to get to her. 

The brother would be smart to tell the chick he knows what she is up to and to cease all contact with her. Their "friendship" is new and by aligning himself with this trainwreck he is showing a marked disloyalty to his own brother. 

The mother is a piece of work and full of shyt if you ask me. I would just not go over to their house anymore ever. He would have to come to mine. That way all the bully's power is taken away because she will NEVER be invited to OP's house so OP is then free of her. The reward bully girl was hoping to get will be snatched away from her.

So make that your goal and tell your boyfriend that you are not going to his house again ever and if that is a problem to let you know so you two can break it off now before you get in too deep. 

Even if they are just friends it doesn’t matter you can’t tell people who to be friends with and who the mother can have in her house. 
 

I am sure the mom knows very little about the teenage going’s on. 
 

Being bullied is horrible, I was bullied in Highschool as well for being sexually abused. I also have panic disorder due to being sexually abused. You still can’t tell people who to have in their house and ask a mom to favour one child over another. 

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1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Even if they are just friends it doesn’t matter you can’t tell people who to be friends with and who the mother can have in her house. 
 

I am sure the mom knows very little about the teenage going’s on. 
 

Being bullied is horrible, I was bullied in Highschool as well for being sexually abused. I also have panic disorder due to being sexually abused. You still can’t tell people who to have in their house and ask a mom to favour one child over another. 

I never said she would tell her who to have in her house! I said that she should remove HERSELF from that situation by never going to their home again. The Mother is a trip to ME because if anything she should be neutral, not get herself involved between the two girls by choosing to defend the bully. Instead of jumping to her defense, a normal woman who is a parent would have asked questions like "sounds like you two have a history. Care to tell me about it? I don't want anyone in my home to feel uncomfortable to the point they have panic attacks!"  WHether it is your child or someone else's, the maternal instinct is one of protection. This mom was demonstrating none of that. Which means she should be on the outside of OPs life. 

To me this doesn't bode well for a relationship between these two, but in reality it begins and ends with the two brothers. They and they alone hold all the cards here. Let's hope they talk and arrive at the best decision. 

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4 minutes ago, Debsterism said:

I never said she would tell her who to have in her house! I said that she should remove HERSELF from that situation by never going to their home again. The Mother is a trip to ME because if anything she should be neutral, not get herself involved between the two girls by choosing to defend the bully. Instead of jumping to her defense, a normal woman who is a parent would have asked questions like "sounds like you two have a history. Care to tell me about it? I don't want anyone in my home to feel uncomfortable to the point they have panic attacks!"  WHether it is your child or someone else's, the maternal instinct is one of protection. This mom was demonstrating none of that. Which means she should be on the outside of OPs life. 

To me this doesn't bode well for a relationship between these two, but in reality it begins and ends with the two brothers. They and they alone hold all the cards here. Let's hope they talk and arrive at the best decision. 

The thing is panic disorder needs to be dealt with by medical professionals and it is up to the person having them to attend to the issue. Life isn’t fair and we can’t ask for everyone to make things safe for us . 

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2 hours ago, Sadgirl1 said:

I have an anxious feeling she will be there next sunday when I'm at their place and I really don't wanna go and have another panic attack

Avoid her. Since your BF knows the situation and knows when she will be invited to his parents, just do something else.

With your friends, family or just you and your BF. Why do you have to go to his parents house anyway? Invite your BF to your home or out with your friends, etc.

There's no way she can intimidate you or get in your face if you are not present when she is present. Plan ahead and avoid her.

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3 hours ago, Sadgirl1 said:

But I just don't understand how his mother has zero understanding for how traumatizing it was for me and DEFENDED that girl.

Because, like you said, his mother does not know this girl, like you do.

Can your guy not go to see you at your place?  Why do you have to keep going there, to where you are not comfortable?

As for your bf's parents place, his mom has ever right to accept whomever she wants into their home.. Is not any of your control, this you have to accept.. sorry 😞 ... It is your inner battle, not theirs - is sad she doesn't get it... but, maybe you should either try to get in for more therapy? ( work on grounding techniques, etc)  To try & get hold of yourself.. That, or avoid going there at all.

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Seconding don’t go places where this bully is. That’s not being troublesome, that’s keeping you safe, especially if you can hold it together and keep your departure or absence light and cheery ‘can’t come to dinner today, I need to reorganise my widget collection, I’ll see you next time). 

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I am currently dealing with racist bullies in my town, so I feel for you getting bullied!  The one thing you need to do is stay calm, take a deep breath, and don't ignore it anymore. Kill her with kindness, while she gets to just stand there like a crazy person. Take screen shots of texts, posts she makes where she is making fun of you.  Make more allies. Sorry it's not with his mom, but make more friends to support you.  And don't go to his house anymore, have him come to see you.  And if the mom asks why, your boyfriend can stick up for you on why.

No one needs to be shown and treated with hate!  Don't swallow it.  The reason why you have panic attacks is because you kept on swallowing the abuse.

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I'm sorry you were bullied.  I've been bullied too ~ ever since childhood.  😪😡

I agree with others.  Enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  Never place yourself in uncomfortable situations if you can avoid it.  Don't go to his house.  Remove yourself from stressful atmospheres and environments.  Have him visit you instead.

Don't deal with the mother.  It's her house and she has every right to invite whomever she wishes. 

To this day, I have several people in my midst such as relatives and in-laws whom I'm not fond of and had a dicey past with.  I can't control who is there nor do anything about past wrongs.  With certain unavoidable situations or social settings, all you can do is carry yourself with bravery, courage, poise, good manners, graciousness and most of all, remain peaceful.  Be in control and become unemotional.  When you're unemotional, you'll grow numb which is your strength.  Act natural, be kind but not unnaturally nice.  Be polite but not obviously mean.  It's ok to be aloof and frosty in your heart while keeping the peace.  This is how I am and it works. 

Never allow others to get the best of you.  Be tough and strong as am I.  Hang tough. 

As strange as it is to hear this, often times I think rude people had done a huge favor for me.  They've shown their true colors to me and now that I know their real personality and character, I've since learned to avoid them like COVID-19.  I stay away.  I'm polite but I keep a permanent safe distance forever.  I am very wary and jaded forever.  Whenever you know you can't trust a person, this is your signal to learn how to protect yourself ALWAYS.  I don't take chances anymore nor do I ever let my guard down. 

You can't control other people.  However, it's your job to control yourself in any situation.  You can do this.

 

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On 3/26/2021 at 1:15 PM, smackie9 said:

face your fears, face your bully when you are ready.

I agree with this. Eventually you'll have to develop self respect skills to put bullies in their place.

In the meantime, you can't expect everyone to rearrange thier lives around your fears and hatred.

The longer you adopt a victim mentality the longer it will bother you.

Until you have some therapy to work it all out, don't hang out with his family.

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There is no way that I would have made this an issue with BF's family. That just turns the whole thing into a power struggle over which I own no control.

Instead, I'd just want BF to know that I don't intend to be around his family whenever she is present, and I'd learn over time whether he has my back on this, or not.

If not, I'd walk away from the BF. If so, I'd have the chance to learn whether whatsurname becomes irrelevant with the brother over time.

Now that the problem has become a public tug of war between you and the sociopath over this family, I'd skip that, play this down, and I'd keep my private life with BF private--without fanfare in front of his family, but rather by spending more time with BF on my own or with my own family.

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