Meeting the family

[mayflower165]

Hi all if you’ve read my last post a couple of months ago I was concerned about the relationship my boyfriends family has with his ex girlfriend. We are now 11 months into our relationship and I have still yet to meet the family. I’ve met all of his close friends though. Recently I brought it up to him again. He said i haven’t met them yet because I’m his last relationship, he felt his ex was too close to them and used to tell them things about their relationship. He said it bothered him that she would reach out to them even after they have broken up. I’m like ok but I’m not your ex! I asked when’s the last time he’s spoken to this ex. He said a year ago because she reached out to him for some information. He then assured me that he has no feelings at all whatsoever for this ex. He broke up with her and he believes she’s still the one who’s not over him. What should I do in this situation. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Are you sure this is an ex not an on/off GF? Why are you still a secret?

If some members of his family are friends with his ex, nothing you can do.

However what you can do is step back and reflect if this conflicted relationship is worth all the headaches and heartaches.

[mayflower165]

He said she’s an ex. But from hearing that the last time they spoke was just last year has me questioning everything a bit more. He said their relationship lasted a year and a half. From what I see it’s been since 2017 they’ve broken up. 

[mayflower165]

I don’t feel heart ache. He says he loves me. He’s even met some of my family members. I feel our relationship is great in every aspect, it’s just time not meeting his family although it’s been close to a year of dating is what turns me off a bit. Should I keep bringing up the topic to him?

[Rose Mosse]

He's telling you he's not comfortable introducing you to his parents yet but his excuse is lousy because he uses his ex as a scapegoat. Really, what it is is that he's afraid of getting burned again because he himself has very poor boundaries with people. 

His ex isn't the problem. It's him. If you want to talk about your relationship, start from the ground up and ask him what he sees in this relationship and if he sees it progressing. Go into it open-minded and as calm as possible. The heart of it also might be he is on the fence with you and uncertain about you long term. He shouldn't be talking about his ex with anything having to do with you.

 

[DancingFool]

16 minutes ago, mayflower165 said:

I don’t feel heart ache. He says he loves me. He’s even met some of my family members. I feel our relationship is great in every aspect, it’s just time not meeting his family although it’s been close to a year of dating is what turns me off a bit. Should I keep bringing up the topic to him?

No, this is one of those things where you need to back off. You've made your desires known, he has told you that he is not ready. The more you nag and demand, the more he'll back away from being ready.

People introduce you to friends and fam when they are ready for it and not when you demand it. That said, you need to decide for yourself if/when you are ready to walk away if the relationship isn't progressing. Look at his actions, not his words kind of a thing.

Despite him telling you that he loves you, I think you are ignoring the fact that he isn't as far along in this relationship as you are. If meeting his family feels like some kind of a big relationship milestone/step forward - he is showing you very clearly that he is not ready for it. This isn't about his ex, this is about him and the fact that he is afraid to tell you directly to back off and slow down.

[mayflower165]

Thanks that makes sense. I guess it bothers me that he’s already met my son and sister. We also have a getaway coming up that includes the both of them. He also mentioned a trip that he wants to bring my son and I on in the next 6 months. I’m like how could he still be on the face about me after saying that he wants to step up and be there for me and a positive role model for my son. I guess I will step back and I won’t bring up the family issue for a while. I’ll give it some more time until I can’t take it any more. 

[DancingFool]

3 minutes ago, mayflower165 said:

Thanks that makes sense. I guess it bothers me that he’s already met my son and sister. We also have a getaway coming up that includes the both of them. He also mentioned a trip that he wants to bring my son and I on in the next 6 months. I’m like how could he still be on the face about me after saying that he wants to step up and be there for me and a positive role model for my son. I guess I will step back and I won’t bring up the family issue for a while. I’ll give it some more time until I can’t take it any more. 

I would also step way back about integrating him into your family, especially a relationship with your child. Pay careful attention that your relationship is reciprocal. In this case, it's kind of becoming heavily lopsided where you are treating him like you want to be treated and welcoming him into your life, buuuut....he is holding back on his life. Don't confuse him being willing to step into YOUR life as reciprocation because it's not.

This situation is bothering you because it should be. He is happy to step into your life, but is blocking you from stepping into his. So step back, observe, and decide how much more time you are willing to give things before you walk away. Basically, if you ease off and let him open up on his own and he doesn't, that's your big clue that something with him isn't really kosher. While you figure that out, probably best to keep your child more sheltered and out of this.

[Hollyj]

3 hours ago, mayflower165 said:

Hi all if you’ve read my last post a couple of months ago I was concerned about the relationship my boyfriends family has with his ex girlfriend. We are now 11 months into our relationship and I have still yet to meet the family. I’ve met all of his close friends though. Recently I brought it up to him again. He said i haven’t met them yet because I’m his last relationship, he felt his ex was too close to them and used to tell them things about their relationship. He said it bothered him that she would reach out to them even after they have broken up. I’m like ok but I’m not your ex! I asked when’s the last time he’s spoken to this ex. He said a year ago because she reached out to him for some information. He then assured me that he has no feelings at all whatsoever for this ex. He broke up with her and he believes she’s still the one who’s not over him. What should I do in this situation. 

His excuse makes zero sense.   I actually don't think he sees a future and that is why he has kept you on the periphery of his life.  Don't put so much value into being "Facebook official." 

[mayflower165]

What about if I’ve met all of his best friends but just not the family yet? Does that mean he does not see a future with me?

[Hollyj]

4 minutes ago, mayflower165 said:

What about if I’ve met all of his best friends but just not the family yet? Does that mean he does not see a future with me?

If someone had not introduced me to their family within 6 months, I would say yes.  How often does he see them?

[Rose Mosse]

Go with your gut, Mayflower, or talk with him. You've had doubts about your boyfriend and the way he treats his past as well as you for awhile. If it's not his ex, it's his family.

Do you always feel like you are competing with his ex-girlfriend? I doubt meeting his family will help ease your fears around the relationship and the fact that your bf may not be the right guy for you. Six months later it may be a problem with the way his mum keeps mentioning his ex. I wouldn't keep inviting him to family outtings with your son and relatives if he's remained this way about his family or prefers keeping you separate from his family.

[mayflower165]

I am going to have one more convo with him today about how he feels our relationship feels. From there I’ll explain to him that the fact that I haven’t met one family yet and it’s been a year makes me feel like what he’s saying isn’t true. I’m also going to postpone the outings I have planned with him and my family 

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, mayflower165 said:

I am going to have one more convo with him today about how he feels our relationship feels. From there I’ll explain to him that the fact that I haven’t met one family yet and it’s been a year makes me feel like what he’s saying isn’t true. I’m also going to postpone the outings I have planned with him and my family 

This is just me but I'd keep it as blank and simple as possible to start and respect what he thinks/feels about it in the end. It could sound like you're giving him an ultimatum and I don't know how good that is for the both of you. Just ask him if it's possible for you to meet his family at the next birthday/event or if you know they have Sunday bbqs for example, ask him if would be comfortable taking you along this Sunday because you'd be up for it. 

If you're still getting a little hesitancy or push back I'd ask a bit more about it and why it might be bothering him. If he still brings up his ex or tells you he's not ready, I think then you can mention why those reasons confuse you or why you don't feel good about them. I think you need to be ready regardless that he may just not be ready for that next step with you and respect that if that's the case.

 

[Batya33]

Agree with not getting your child involved -kids don't "get dating" -they "get attached" and your son is getting attached to someone who doesn't see him as potentially part of his family because he doesn't even want his own girlfriend to meet them.

[Cherylyn]

This whole set up is weird with red flags all over the place. 

His ex is still tight with his family.  Your boyfriend refuses to introduce you to his family despite being in a relationship with you for almost a year. 

These problems will not disappear.  Even if you were to be introduced to his family one day, it will be awkward because they're still remaining in a chummy relationship or friendship with his ex-girlfriend.  This picture is too crowded and complicated which is so unnecessary. 

What happens at family events such as special occasions, holidays, weddings and funerals?  Will you be comfortable being in close proximity to his ex-girlfriend? 

Beware of backstabbers.

This co-mingling contact with his ex and his family means you won't be receiving any respect and consideration whatsoever.  This is what YOU have to live with as long as you're in a relationship with your boyfriend.  This is YOUR life.  Your boyfriend and his family are perfectly content with how things are and your opinion and wishes will be endlessly ignored. 

Either accept your boyfriend as is or find a very moral replacement with a NORMAL family. 

[boltnrun]

Please don't allow your child to get attached to him.

What if he does and then this boyfriend decides he wants his ex back or never gets around to introducing you to his family?  Protect your child from this.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, mayflower165 said:

 the fact that I haven’t met one family yet and it’s been a year makes me feel like what he’s saying isn’t true. 

It seems like you are going to put the final nail in the coffin by not only pressuring him but accusing him of lying.

Perhaps that's the best approach in a 44 week relationship that so far has left you with too many doubts.

[mayflower165]

Well we spoke on it again. And he said that he does see a long term future with me and takes our relationship seriously. I can meet his parents whenever I want. He understands how I’ve been feeling and agrees the lack of me not meeting the family just yet is due to them crossing boundaries before. It has nothing to do with me and it’s something he needs to work on. 

[mayflower165]

Perhaps I will just talk it out with my boyfriend next time instead of jumping to the forum first haha

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, mayflower165 said:

Well we spoke on it again. And he said that he does see a long term future with me and takes our relationship seriously. I can meet his parents whenever I want. He understands how I’ve been feeling and agrees the lack of me not meeting the family just yet is due to them crossing boundaries before. It has nothing to do with me and it’s something he needs to work on. 

That's good to hear. Hopefully things will smooth out now and you get to meet his family. See how it goes. He shouldn't be bringing up his ex again either. If he keeps doing that, let him know it's not appropriate and she has no place in your lives. They don't share children and have no reason to be in contact with one another. If he suspects she's not over him, that is all the more reason for him to maintain those boundaries. 

It also seems like his ex was over-familiar with his family and manipulative even at the end of their relationship. Keep things even with his family and don't go overboard trying to make them like you either. It happens naturally with time. Use your judgment with your son and what you want to expose him to or what's best for him. I think you're doing fine. If your alarm bells weren't ringing on how uneven this was, that's a different story but glad this is cleared up. Really happy for both of you. 

[Hollyj]

20 hours ago, mayflower165 said:

I am going to have one more convo with him today about how he feels our relationship feels. From there I’ll explain to him that the fact that I haven’t met one family yet and it’s been a year makes me feel like what he’s saying isn’t true. I’m also going to postpone the outings I have planned with him and my family 

You should not have to beg someone to include you in their life, this is something he should want to do- he knows your wishes, he is not a child that needs to be told repeatedly.   I always follow the actions, I don't feel that I should have to school  someone about incorporating me into their life.  You are delaying the inevitable. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, mayflower165 said:

Well we spoke on it again. And he said that he does see a long term future with me and takes our relationship seriously. I can meet his parents whenever I want. He understands how I’ve been feeling and agrees the lack of me not meeting the family just yet is due to them crossing boundaries before. It has nothing to do with me and it’s something he needs to work on. 

This sounds like a lot of nonsense unless you now have a specific plan -time and date- where you and his family plan to meet. He's using the vague "I need to work on" -no he doesn't.  It's either he does it -makes a plan -or he doesn't.