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Girlfriends adult children living off of us at home!


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Just now, Jason s said:

ūüė†Two of my girlfriends adult children live with us at home. She does not have them help with rent, bills, food, or help around the house in general. She even pays for their car insurance when they have jobs. ¬†I‚Äôve asked her multiple times if they could chip in to help out but it always ends up in a fight and she tells me not to be concerned with how she spends her money! What now?, Our relationship is going downhill!

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What's the end goal? Is it to pay off your debts or save for retirement or ? You can't tell someone how to raise their kids. At the most, have a talk and if she disagrees she's entitled to her opinion. You can try to have discussion on the bigger picture and what that extra money could help towards. 

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I mean.....she is correct. As a boyfriend, it's not your place to decide how she chooses to spend HER money or how she raises her kids or what she does to help them get ahead in life.

This is really a case of pick your battles and be sure that this is the hill you want to die on because you will be dying on it if you continue on about this argument. At the end of the day, you are not married, you are not their father and you have no leg to stand on here. If you hate the situation and can't stand what she is doing and how, you are free to leave the relationship and seek out someone different.

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1 hour ago, Jason s said:

ūüė†

How long have you been dating? Whose house is it? When did you move in together. What she does with her kids is her and their father's concern.

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  • How old are these adult children?
  • Did you move into her house or them into yours?
  • How long have you lived with them?
  • Are you paying half of the bills in the house - half the food, water power, mortgage, etc. or does she cover everything?
  • Are you prepared to exit the relationship with a place to stay or are you stuck there for the time being?
  • They have jobs, I assume you do as well?
  • Who cleans up after them - does she do it or does she expect you to pitch in and clean up after HER kids?

I have so many questions! 

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Unfortunately if you don't like this situation then you may need to move out or actually end the relationship all together. Do you have kids of your own too? I think at the end of the day it's about compatibility and values. I agree with you that if they're adults, they need to pay their share of the rent and bills and they also need to help with housework. I think you have a say in that they pay the rent and bills and clean up after themselves because it's you paying the rent and bills for them. So I think you do have a say in that part. But you can't tell your girlfriend whether she can pay their car insurance and other things for them. Because, yes, it's her money and it's her kids. As you can see though, your values aren't really the same.

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On 3/23/2021 at 3:35 PM, Cherylyn said:

It's their life and their choices.  Mind your own business.

If he is cleaning up after them and his money is being used for them, it is very much his business. 

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Her kids are always going to come first and that's never going to change, nor is her enabling of their irresponsible behavior.

I learned this the hard way. We're together 9 years were living together 6.5 years. Due to a lot of friction between me and her behaviorally challenged enabled son who in her eyes does no wrong, I moved out 5 weeks ago. We're still together but the relationship is on shaky ground. It's hard to live apart after living together for so long.

But I had no choice and it sounds to me like you might not either. Either accept it and don't complain or find another place to live, and either break up with her or try to make it work like we're doing.

 

 

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3 hours ago, Debsterism said:

If he is cleaning up after them and his money is being used for them, it is very much his business. 

If he doesn't like it, there's the door.

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