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4 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

She may not want to tell you so she doesn't, "hurt your feelings."  But generally, when someone consistently does things like that, they're sending you the non-verbal message they don't want that deep of a friendship/relationship.

But here's the kicker and why I am on more of the track of her being upset about the illness.

When we were still able to visit and go to each others house, she always made the effort to.

She always checked in with me and always let me know of her support.

The last time we saw each other (right before the pandemic hit), she was the one that has asked to see me.

She did mention a few times at how shocked she was over my being so thin and that she "didn't realize how bad it was".

That and potentially her life not going as well as she would like, might be the reasons why she is acting the way she is.

But you're right, I may never know exactly what is/was going through her head.

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I'm not entirely sure, but either way...I am definitely going to let things rest.

I won't hold any ill will towards her, or any kind of upset or anger. I will just let be.

If we become close again at some point, then so be it, if we don't then that's okay too.

A part of me was fighting to hold onto the strong connection we once had, but I realize that it's something I need to let go of now.

I will never fully know why things went they way they went, but if she needs to distance herself, then she does.

The only thing I need to do is to have the bit of mourning for the change, accept and let it go.

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You know....after 30 years, I would think that you could just straight up talk to her. Not in an accusatory way, like "why didn't you acknowledge my wedding", but rather in the "I really miss our friendship" kind of way.

Basically, you can sit here and speculate all day long or you can talk to her. Consider also that we are dealing with majorly weird and stressful times with the pandemic and so on. People are struggling in all kinds of ways. It could be that as well. I guess what I'm saying is that after 30 years, maybe give your friend the benefit of the doubt for now....or just communicate better..... or both.....

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My mom was is a similar situation, a friend stopped talking to her after 15 years of friendship. She's sometimes still a little upset but learned to accept it.

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Is she single? I know my married friends feel like some of their single friends have distanced themselves just because they feel they have less in common now. 'she'll be busy with her husband now' 'I don't want to visit or hangout as her husband will be there'

I'm a little guilty of it with one friend where I am not fond of her husband, nothing wrong with him he's a nice guy but he irritates me when I visit her and I feel awkward. She has complained she hardly sees me and I've said I'm more than happy to have just girl on girl time. But it doesn't really happen.

When I started my business I was very discouraged by certain friends not buying my products or even reposting my brand when I make such a effort with sending their kids birthday presents and flying in for special occasions (im single) but I had to put that all to aside and I know its hard. But it really depends on what kind of friendship you have and want.

I am lucky in the sense I've noticed certain friends are good for certain things. The ones you go to a bar with, the ones that console you when your depressed, the ones who send you food when your ill, the ones that buy and donate to whatever.

Maybe she is still your friend but just isn't the full package and I think that's ok. 

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1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

Social media is really antisocial media that leads to so much jealousy and general misunderstandings.

So true!

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You have to be careful with friendships.  I would never hold it against any friend if they chose not to donate to my  charity.  I wouldn't make friendships conditional especially based upon money and how they chose to spend it.  That's their right and their business.  If they wish to donate elsewhere or not at all, I'm very fine with it. 

If this friend is still a good person to me, I'd work around and alter the dynamic.  If this friend is worth keeping, I'd keep the friendship simpler, less complicated and not feel that close.  Some friends are only a step up from an acquaintance level and that's ok.  Being too close is way overrated anyway.

Some friends are only meant to share an occasional meal together and maintaining a light friendship only.  Different friends are at different friendship levels.  Some of my friends are closer than others. 

I've had sales parties in my home and some of my circle of friends chose not to buy anything from me yet attended other sales parties and I'm fine with this arrangement.  It's nothing to me and it's their free choice to save or spend their money according to their will just as I have the same choices to either spend or not spend money according to my wishes. 

I have a best friend and she's the type to race to my doorstep with homemade dinners in tow in the event of struggle, hardship, sickness or life's challenges yet she had always declined to donate to any of my good charitable causes or participate whenever money had to exchange hands.  She declined my sales parties.  She and her family gave me a lot of money in the past in other ways.  They're generous like no other.   Money, action and respect speak louder than words.  I'm grateful for who they are even if we don't agree on everything. 

Change the way you think and you won't feel so emotionally charged anymore. 

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If I'm not fond of a friend and incompatible, we eventually drift apart and fade away.

If this friend continues to reach out to me and I've since lost interest or I'm too busy, I respectfully tell them that I respect them, however, it's time to go our separate ways.  I'm kind about it even though it is rejection.  I wish them all the best and move on.  If they're mature, they'll respect my wishes, too and if they're offended, there's nothing I can do about it.  Should your paths cross in person or on social media, remain well mannered and gracious ALWAYS. 

If relations get ugly, then it's time to sever all contact permanently. 

Friendships should have mutual consideration, respect, kindness and calm.  Friendships should not be high maintenance.  Anytime a friend consumes you, this person is not a friend and it's time to release this friend from your life. 

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I think if your friend has been hardly contacting you or ghosting you in general and it's meant to be a close friend, then yeah I would re-evaluate the friendship. But regarding sending you a card and especially donating to your fund-raiser I don't think are really reasons to blame this friend or end the friendship. I personally don't think it's really necessary to send anything for someone's wedding if they actually weren't invited to the wedding or even to the engagement. Unless it's your best or really close friend, in which case likely they'd have been invited to at least the bachelorette or engagement party. It would have been nice if your friend congratulated you on your wedding verbally or in writing but in my opinion she wasn't actually obliged to send a card. People also have different love languages and some people just don't really value things like cards, gifts and money. So they might think it's not that important to send a card, but it doesn't mean they don't care.

Regarding the fund-raiser. Yes it would have been nice if your friend donated something, but people actually do fund-raisers very often on Facebook these days. A lot of the time I see someone having a fund-raiser for their Birthday on social media. I can't actually afford to donate to all of them. And in all honesty I just don't feel strongly enough about some causes to actually give money. It doesn't mean I don't care and I would sign a petition for free, but I only donate to causes that are special to me personally. Every year for Christmas I do a Guardian Angel donation to a big  homeless animal protection charity and I've done my own fund-raisers for them too. But something about sport I wouldn't donate to because I personally don't like sport at all. Maybe your friend just happened to care about the cause supported in your other friend's fund-raiser more or she's closer to the other friend.

 

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My cousin didn't bother to send a postal congratulations greeting card when my son was a newborn nor ever bothered asking me when my birthday was despite my giving her and her family a lot of money and gifts over the years.  Some people don't care to do anything for you or others.  It is their personality.  

I'm no longer close to my cousin anymore.

I generally cherish true friendships if actions, labor, resources, deeds, thoughts and well wishes are mutual.  I've been in several friendships where I did all the giving and the recipient had no qualms doing all the taking which gets old after a while. 

If you lack enthusiasm for this lopsided friendship, learn to walk away.  Don't be friends with people who don't care to put forth the effort to make it work.  The friendship will naturally die. 

 

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On 3/23/2021 at 12:48 PM, DancingFool said:

You know....after 30 years, I would think that you could just straight up talk to her. Not in an accusatory way, like "why didn't you acknowledge my wedding", but rather in the "I really miss our friendship" kind of way.

Basically, you can sit here and speculate all day long or you can talk to her. Consider also that we are dealing with majorly weird and stressful times with the pandemic and so on. People are struggling in all kinds of ways. It could be that as well. I guess what I'm saying is that after 30 years, maybe give your friend the benefit of the doubt for now....or just communicate better..... or both.....

You're assuming I haven't tried that already, lol. 

I realize that this is a forum board, I can only write down so many details in so much time, so not all info has been given.

But yes, I have tried talking to her.

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On 3/23/2021 at 1:49 PM, ironi said:

Is she single?

No, not single. We are both married.

We used to be quite close, in fact, it wasn't that long ago that we were. Nothing significant happened in the meantime which is why I am confused.

I still don't have any answers despite trying to talk to her.

I wasn't able to get her on the phone, but I did message and she's not replied back, yet.

So we will see.

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On 3/23/2021 at 5:19 PM, Cherylyn said:

Change the way you think and you won't feel so emotionally charged anymore. 

I wouldn't call myself "emotionally charged" per se. 

It was a couple incidents, in a matter of a year. I did not confront her or accuse her or create any kind of drama.

We spoke briefly around my wedding, I was disappointed but I did not dwell on it.

She's been very busy so we've not talked a lot, again...not a big deal on my end.

This latest incident happened a few days back and got me wondering about what was going on as it was very strange behavior from her. (and yes I do know her, and yes it's been over 30 years, so I would say I know her quite well).

I came on here to go over ideas but I wasn't upset in the way to have tears over anything, I would say I was more sad than anything and trying to work out what went on.

I'm not so attached to this person that if we went our separate ways that I would somehow break down over it.

I would definitely be sad over it, but it it worked out better that we went our separate ways, then it's okay.

Life changes, people change and I can accept that.

I more or less just wanted to see what others thought so I could have an outside perspective.

 

 

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20 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

If you lack enthusiasm for this lopsided friendship, learn to walk away.  Don't be friends with people who don't care to put forth the effort to make it work.  The friendship will naturally die. 

 

Thank you, Cherylyn, I feel this is the best advise I have gotten so far and more along the lines of what I needed/wanted to hear.

I really do appreciate you taking the time to write and to write a very well thought out and thoughtful reply without judging me or assuming. 

I will definitely keep this is mind and I do appreciate how you've explained it the way you did.

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21 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think if your friend has been hardly contacting you or ghosting you in general and it's meant to be a close friend, then yeah I would re-evaluate the friendship.

Thank you, yes, definitely going to be doing that...again, not in an upset, drama filled way, but just considering things and accepting and letting go to some degree.

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

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