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Okay, so you have a what you thought was a close friend for 30 years...literally, you've known one another since you were kids.

You felt you were pretty close but then, you get married. They don't bother to send a card, no phone call, nada. Even though they knew the date of the wedding. (No one attended except for parents).

So you mention this to them, they get mad and assume you want money?!? You explain that no, you only had hoped for some show of support via a phone call or wedding card. But they just leave it.

And you don't talk to them for months.

Things settle, sort of get back on track. You start talking now and then and things seem slightly off kilter but improving.

It's then your birthday and you have a fundraiser set up for something that's really important to you. Lots of your friends donate, but your so called longest friend, doesn't.

You assume they haven't seen it, or might be broke. (understandably in times like this).

But then, incidentally, another friend of theirs also has a fundraiser set up just days after yours ends. And your friend donates and shares and wishes them well.

You assume they hadn't seen yours...I mean, you didn't fall out and you still think they're your friend, so there's got to be a reason, right?

So you ask, "hey, did you happen to see my fundraiser when it was up last week?" And they say, "yes, but didn't know what it was about, so just passed on it".

Never mind that when they have any kind of event posted that's important to them, you share and cheer them on.

So yeah, that stings, badly.

Time to call it a day on the "friendship"? 30 years is a long time to just toss, but it's not looking good.

Edited by SherrySher
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42 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Time to call it a day on the "friendship"?

Maybe the friendship is already over (and has been for some time)?

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Just now, Jibralta said:

Maybe the friendship is already over (and has been for some time)?

What would you do in this scenario? Wish the person well and just delete?

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No, but I'm not much of a deleter. I would probably leave the door open and just lower my expectations where this person is concerned. Does she (he?) make demands of you in some way?

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4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

No, but I'm not much of a deleter. I would probably leave the door open and just lower my expectations where this person is concerned. Does she (he?) make demands of you in some way?

I'm not sure I would call it "demands" as such. But she does seem to notice if we're not involved in each others life.

I mean, to some degree there should be a certain level of expectations in a friendship otherwise what's the point?

I'm not really much of a people collector who just has people hanging around in my life or on social media that are  just there, but don't actually support or talk to me. 

 

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9 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I mean, to some degree there should be a certain level of expectations in a friendship otherwise what's the point?

I guess simple companionship here and there? There are friends that I love to go out to eat with because they love food as much as I do. There are friends I am in touch with because we shared experiences in childhood, and it's nice to be around people who know me on this other level, independent of education and career. There are friends from graduate school who I laughed my ass off with during the absolute torture of that program, and it's just fun to re-live the old inside jokes and absurdities, and to come up with new ones. It's nice to occasionally break up my regularly scheduled programming for these peaceful interludes.

3 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I'm not really much of a people collector who just has people hanging around in my life or on social media that are  just there, but don't actually support or talk to me. 

That's interesting. People collector. I wonder if that's a phenomenon that's arisen from social media? I would probably be having a lot more questions about expectations if I saw people's faces popping up on my newsfeed and reminding me of their existence. But I closed my facebook in 2013, and am only in touch with people who bother to stay in touch. It's quite a good number of people. Not the hundreds of 'friends' I had on facebook, but enough to keep me occupied. I don't think about people who don't keep in touch, except maybe to wonder how they are doing. But not enough to reach out and rekindle something that seems to have lived out its natural life.

Yeah, I don't miss social media AT ALL!

 

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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I guess simple companionship here and there? There are friends that I love to go out to eat with because they love food as much as I do. There are friends I am in touch with because we shared experiences in childhood, and it's nice to be around people who know me on this other level, independent of education and career. There are friends from graduate school who I laughed my ass off with during the absolute torture of that program, and it's just fun to re-live the old inside jokes and absurdities, and to come up with new ones. It's nice to occasionally break up my regularly scheduled programming for these peaceful interludes.

That's interesting. People collector. I wonder if that's a phenomenon that's arisen from social media? I would probably be having a lot more questions about expectations if I saw people's faces popping up on my newsfeed and reminding me of their existence. But I closed my facebook in 2013, and am only in touch with people who bother to stay in touch. It's quite a good number of people. Not the hundreds of 'friends' I had on facebook, but enough to keep me occupied. I don't think about people who don't keep in touch, except maybe to wonder how they are doing. But not enough to reach out and rekindle something that seems to have lived out its natural life.

Yeah, I don't miss social media AT ALL!

 

It's definitely been going through my mind lately about Facebook. It's had it's day in the sun and you're right, it makes sense to just keep in touch with those who are still texting and messaging me.

Perhaps that's the best solution, just leave my Facebook account, live and let live and continue talking to those who still keep in touch.

But I also agree that this particular "friendship", really wasn't or isn't what it used to be and although I do have friends like you described, this person doesn't really fall into those categories anymore.

It's more like shallow likes here and there and maybe a comment once in a while on posts.

But it's nothing really.

Yeah, it's been really disappointing being as we used to be very close, and we were right up until about 5 years ago.

I can't put my finger on exactly what happened, I supposed "life" just happened and we went our separate ways.

It happens.

Though I have tried to remain in contact. I think what hurt the most though, was the two incidents I mentioned, were pretty significant in my life.

It's like she dismissed them entirely and a part of me has to accept that the kind of friends we used to be, just isn't anymore.

 

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Hey SherrySher

Maybe this friend is resentful towards you for some reason and acting passive aggressive.  

It's not really fair of her but we all do things.  Maybe she is n pulling away from you and it's best to let her be for a bit.  See how things pan out. 

I recently posted about my own friend woes. So maybe check that out. Maybe the advice given to me will help you. 

Sorry.  I know this sucks... I am almost obsessive in thoughts over my situation and I have to keep putting myself in check.  ugh!

 

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54 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Hey SherrySher

Maybe this friend is resentful towards you for some reason and acting passive aggressive.  

It's not really fair of her but we all do things.  Maybe she is n pulling away from you and it's best to let her be for a bit.  See how things pan out. 

I recently posted about my own friend woes. So maybe check that out. Maybe the advice given to me will help you. 

Sorry.  I know this sucks... I am almost obsessive in thoughts over my situation and I have to keep putting myself in check.  ugh!

 

Thank you, Lambert. I really appreciate your advice and pointing out your thread. A lot of great advice there too.

 

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11 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Yup time to call an end to this friendship.

Yes, I believe so too, unfortunately. We were super close at one time, but things change and life circumstances change.

Normally it doesn't bother me. I really am one who can go with the flow.

However, this was a tough for me. She is one of my oldest friends, and at one time we were like sisters besides very close friends.

I am also close to her entire family and I basically grew up at her house.

So to now reach a stage in life where I am considering leaving the friendship, really is sad. But her treatment is just becoming something that I can't ignore.

 

Edited by SherrySher
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Slightly different take here.

Regarding your wedding.....sounds like she wasn't invited so, is there perhaps some misunderstanding there that after 30 years of friendship you didn't invite her to your wedding and yet you expected her to call you or send you a congrats card? I mean if you aren't really having a party......some people will not see a reason to send you cards or anything else such. Basically, if you want it to be a private affair....they'll respect that and you can't have it both ways. Your expectations can be seen as confusing and contradictory.

Regarding the "support my cause" - it's ye olde don't mix friendship and money or you'll end up having neither. If I donated money or time or both to all the causes my friends are into, I'd be broke. I have a long standing tight group of friends going back to grad school and we've all agreed a long time ago that when it comes to "causes", nobody should be expecting financial support. Over the years, we have always been there for each other where it really matters, but causes....not so much because it would be too much. Take off work to help my friend who is having terrible food poisoning and two toddlers, yes. Support the puke no more cause - absolutely not. Friendships isn't about social media, demands, and causes.

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4 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Maybe this friend is resentful towards you for some reason and acting passive aggressive.  

Hmm, honestly, nothing comes to mind. We haven't seen one another in about a year due to the pandemic.

We've spoken in texts and pm's but nothing unusual. Just the typical catch up on life.

I do really wonder why she just decided to leave the friendship and this is honestly how it feels.

One moment we were close, making plans to do things, chatting for hours on the phone, the next year she's not even bothered to send a card for my wedding. 

We didn't have any kind of falling out, at least nothing that I can think of. 

Grew apart?  Yeah, possibly...I mean, a lot of people did due to the pandemic. But we've always been the type of friends where we could go without seeing one another or talking for ages and pick up where we left off once we see each other again.

How she's acting with basically ignoring my wedding and now my birthday fundraiser, really is not only upsetting, but confusing.

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Hi Sherry, maybe she is upset because she wasn't invited to the wedding? It seems to be she needs some space, maybe she just doesn't feel like talking to you, I'm sorry.

Could she be jealous of you for some reason?

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Posted (edited)
22 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Slightly different take here.

Regarding your wedding.....sounds like she wasn't invited so, is there perhaps some misunderstanding there that after 30 years of friendship you didn't invite her to your wedding and yet you expected her to call you or send you a congrats card? I mean if you aren't really having a party......some people will not see a reason to send you cards or anything else such. Basically, if you want it to be a private affair....they'll respect that and you can't have it both ways. Your expectations can be seen as confusing and contradictory.

Regarding the "support my cause" - it's ye olde don't mix friendship and money or you'll end up having neither. If I donated money or time or both to all the causes my friends are into, I'd be broke. I have a long standing tight group of friends going back to grad school and we've all agreed a long time ago that when it comes to "causes", nobody should be expecting financial support. Over the years, we have always been there for each other where it really matters, but causes....not so much because it would be too much. Take off work to help my friend who is having terrible food poisoning and two toddlers, yes. Support the puke no more cause - absolutely not. Friendships isn't about social media, demands, and causes.

Thank you for responding DF.

Actually, it wasn't like that. She knew all about my wedding, nearly a year prior. She was the one I sent pics to when I was choosing a dress. I told her about how it was a small affair for different reasons and she was very supportive of everything.

She knew the date of the wedding and also knew that different friends and family were going to send cards, etc being as it was parents only.

She didn't seem upset about any of it in the least.

In fact, when no card or anything came, not even a phone call, I asked her if she was okay. Because I wasn't sure why the silence.

She seemed distracted and said she was fine, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Her whole demeanor was just not bothered and I was very surprised as she seemed so excited just a few short months before that.

Like I had mentioned in another post, we had not fallen out. There were no harsh words between us, nothing of that nature.

I am still sincerely trying to understand it all. 

As for the fundraiser, she is notorious for showing people support. She doesn't need to donate loads of money, but 5 or 10 here is something any friend of hers would expect, mainly because she's just that type of person.

But no, not loads of fundraisers all the time.

I think mine and this other friends of hers is the only one so far from this year. Last year was even worse what with the start of the pandemic and people really struggling.

If she and I had fallen out, or if we had words...then yes, it would all make sense to me.

But none of that occurred.

Edited by SherrySher
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Also, I would have been more than happy with her sharing my post and Fundraiser, even if she couldn't donate.

But she wasn't interested in that either.

In case anyone was wondering, my Fundraiser was for a disease I am currently battling, so it's another reason why I am hurt, surprised.

The fundraiser was very meaningful to me and I wasn't going to receive any of the funds by the way.

Any and all money was to go directly to research for my disease.

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10 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Hi Sherry, maybe she is upset because she wasn't invited to the wedding? It seems to be she needs some space, maybe she just doesn't feel like talking to you, I'm sorry.

Could she be jealous of you for some reason?

I don't think so? She knew months beforehand that it was parents only at the ceremony and she was happy for us.

She said it made sense and thought it was the sensible choice given all the circumstances.

As for jealousy, I'm not sure why. 

I've been very sick for the past couple of years, so that wouldn't make a lot of sense.

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8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

 I don't think about people who don't keep in touch, except maybe to wonder how they are doing. But not enough to reach out and rekindle something that seems to have lived out its natural life.

Yeah, I don't miss social media AT ALL!

This is a really great attitude to have!  I do think it's fairly common for people to have  hurt feelings over social media revelations (the main one I read about in women's magazines tends to be seeing your female friends get together, and not invite you... seeing it on social media causes pain obviously).

Then seeing things like Sherry's friend donate to other stuff, or ignore her... being ignored tends to really bother people, which is natural.  The greatest harm can come from indifference at least on a child's psyche.  So maybe it's triggering something in her childhood that is VERY painful, and that's hard to get over even in adulthood.

 

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9 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Thank you for responding DF.

Actually, it wasn't like that. She knew all about my wedding, nearly a year prior. She was the one I sent pics to when I was choosing a dress. I told her about how it was a small affair for different reasons and she was very supportive of everything.

She knew the date of the wedding and also knew that different friends and family were going to send cards, etc being as it was parents only.

She didn't seem upset about any of it, in the least.

In fact, when no card or anything came, not even a phone call, I asked her if she was okay. Because I wasn't sure why the silence.

She seemed distracted and said she was fine, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Her whole demeanor was just not bothered and I was very surprised as she seemed so excited just a few short months before that.

Like I had mentioned in another thread, we had not fallen out. There were no harsh words between us, nothing of that nature.

I am still sincerely trying to understand it all. 

As for the fundraiser, she is notorious for showing people support. She doesn't need to donate loads of money, but 5 or 10 here and there isn't something any friend of hers would expect, mainly because she's just that type of person.

But no, not loads of fundraisers all the time.

I think mine and this other friends of hers is the only one so far from this year. Last year was even worse what with the start of the pandemic and people really struggling.

If she and I had fallen out, or if we had words...then yes, it would all make sense to me.

But none of that occurred.

 

It seems like her own life isn't very rosy and either she doesn't want to burden you given your own issues, or she is the kind of a person who prefers to lick her wounds in private and won't share her burdens in general but will act weird or distant.

As for support my cause....I'll just say it again - be careful with expectations because while your cause is dear to you, others get exhausted with the constant barrage of give give give. Try not to take that personally. Social media is really antisocial media that leads to so much jealousy and general misunderstandings.

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I think what you're dealing with, Sherry, being ignored (that's basically what it boils down to) is painful.  You have a right to feel hurt by it.  But I don't think you can realistically change her to suddenly care more and do more.

My husband deals with this, too, but thankfully I think he's overcoming it really well.  But his siblings (sister and brother) have always left him out, ignored him (and now our kids), and it's always been a source of pain in his life to some degree.  He wouldn't let us have 3 kids because he adamantly refused to put a child through what he thought was a set up where one would be left out and ignored/hurt (obviously not all families with 3 kids operate that way... but he was certain that was the norm).  

His most recent pain was seeing his brother and brother's wife completely ignored the last birth we had.  No card, no visit, literally nothing.  But I think he's accepted it and moved on now, and is trying to enjoy life without needing their involvement anymore (he's definitely done after that).  We've been really nice to them over the years... sent his brother hundreds of dollars one time for a milestone birthday, gave them 3 gifts for their wedding a couple of years ago... it doesn't make sense, but it doesn't have to.

All you have to realize is for some reason, people may not reciprocate, and then you have to decide what to do with that.  I think mentally letting go and having Jilbralta's carefree attitude toward it is healthy.

You can still admit it's painful, though, your pain definitely matters, but realizing you can't change a person is freeing ❤️ .

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3 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

The greatest harm can come from indifference at least on a child's psyche.  So maybe it's triggering something in her childhood that is VERY painful, and that's hard to get over even in adulthood.

In my psyche?

I'm not sure it would stem that far back, I mean, you could be right, but if I were to say how I am feeling about it, it's more to do with the fact that we were very close. I mean, I call her mum, my mum and both our families were/are friends with one another.

We grew up together, were roommates in Uni, have kept in contact this entire time.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

If I were to venture any kind of guess being as I am writing this all out now and the wheels are turning, I do recall that she had mentioned a few times how thin I looked and was literally shocked at how unwell I was last time she saw me.

It was unexpected (for her), being as she had not seen me in months and hadn't realized how sick I had become.

It's possible that she's distancing herself due to not wanting to accept or deal with my illness?

Perhaps it's too hard on her?

I am not sure, but I can't sort out why it is she just shut down on me like this.

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3 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

It seems like her own life isn't very rosy and either she doesn't want to burden you given your own issues, or she is the kind of a person who prefers to lick her wounds in private and won't share her burdens in general but will act weird or distant.

As for support my cause....I'll just say it again - be careful with expectations because while your cause is dear to you, others get exhausted with the constant barrage of give give give. Try not to take that personally. Social media is really antisocial media that leads to so much jealousy and general misunderstandings.

I think you may have a point about her life possibly not being very rosy and not wanting to burden me, etc.

It does make sense out of everything else I have thought of.

As for the cause, I agree that while many may feel exactly as you've described, my friend has never had that attitude. She is the type that is the cheerleader and would be more than willing to volunteer her time or any kind of help.

I was surprised that she didn't even want to share my post.

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2 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

It's possible that she's distancing herself due to not wanting to accept or deal with my illness?

Perhaps it's too hard on her?

I am not sure, but I can't sort out why it is she just shut down on me like this.

I don't know... I think the fact she ignored your wedding means she's just not great at being a good friend, in general, to you.  Why?  Who knows... I think some things people may never fully find out. 

She may not want to tell you so she doesn't, "hurt your feelings."  But generally, when someone consistently does things like that, they're sending you the non-verbal message they don't want that deep of a friendship/relationship.

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5 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

All you have to realize is for some reason, people may not reciprocate, and then you have to decide what to do with that.  I think mentally letting go and having Jilbralta's carefree attitude toward it is healthy.

You can still admit it's painful, though, your pain definitely matters, but realizing you can't change a person is freeing ❤️ .

Yes, thank you so much. I am going to print this out and re-read it when needed. 

I have come to a point in my life where I am more accepting of letting go. I used to have the hurt and pain of what you described with your husband. Family especially can be quite hurtful.

I think the ways my friend has acted, was sincerely unexpected. I just didn't know how to get my head around it.

But talking to you all, and typing out all my thoughts too, is helping a lot.

I thank you for that, very much.

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9 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

As for support my cause....I'll just say it again - be careful with expectations because while your cause is dear to you, others get exhausted with the constant barrage of give give give. Try not to take that personally. Social media is really antisocial media that leads to so much jealousy and general misunderstandings.

In general, people hate feeling they need to give over social media, even if she does it for others she may feel odd about it or pressured (who knows).  

 

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