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Boyfriend unsupportive during pregnancy


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Good evening, I just feel a bit desperate at the moment and felt like I need some outside advice. So, me and my boyfriend of 1 year , found out I was pregnant two weeks ago, I was excited but he was not.he has drummed it into my head to have an abortion and after lots of long hard thought, I decided to go with his decision as we both never planned a baby (please don't judge) plus I'm 35 now with a 16year old daughter and he is 32 with two young children from two different mother's. Anyway, my termination is booked for Friday. Since we have found out I was pregnant, he hadn't really acknowledge my pregnancy (I've got quite a bump already) he talks about things that relate to him and only him, he's not spent a weekend with me since we found out, and I'm just feeling pretty lonely and let down. I told him that I didn't want him to be with me for my termination (at home) as I don't feel he cares or will be supportive, and the next day , he arranged that exact weekend from Friday onwards to be with his mates whilst I'll be going through that, he didn't even fight to be there, I was hoping he would just step up and tell me that he will be with me to go through it but no, he made plans. I'm gutted , I don't know if our relationship is repairable, because no matter what, I'll always resent him for treating me this way, or is it easier to just move on without him and focus on my career etc , any advice appreciated

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So sorry you’re going through this. First of all, do you want this baby? You were pretty happy when you first found out. It may not be in an ideal situation, particularly if you have to raise him/her alone, but terminating the baby as a result of being talked around or convinced when it’s not what you truly want will lead to feelings of regret you may not be able to overcome later down the road. 

I understand your boyfriend doesn’t want 3 children with 3 seperate mothers, but what has happened has already happened and he must know that sex, no matter how well protected, can potentially lead to that and was willing to risk it anyway. I always think a father should have a right to contribute to the choices made from the beginning, but ultimately it is your choice and if you want to keep this baby then keep the baby.

Your relationship is quite damaged from the way he has already behaved towards you through this, so I would recommend that you end things now or seek professional help together to move past it before resentments set in. But, if you feel it is over regardless of whether you keep the baby or not, then maybe go with what you want and what your heart tells you [in terms of the baby].

There’s no right or wrong answer, only the choice that will make you happy/add to your happiness and the choice that will take you further away from it; you have to decide for yourself which one it is irrespective of and seperate to your boyfriend’s choice/preference, as in the end it is ultimately your life and your only responsibility is to yourself (and your children) and what you want in and from your life.

Edited by LotusBlack
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Sorry you had to endure such an uncaring man 😞 .. But, how I see this, is he is not interested in having another child. (having enough already w/ two other women).... So, he probably totally freaked & back away with this news.

But the responsibility lies on both of you... knowing you can still conceive.

He's pulled away most likely due to all that is going on now - doesn't know how to react.  I'd be done with him .

If either of you feel some resentment with this issue, it most likely will not improve, after this.

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No, it is not repairable. He seems very selfish. That's a character flaw that is not fixable.

You've been together for one year which isn't long and you've got a lovely daughter in your life already. Whatever you decide it's up to you. Keep us updated and take care.

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It' a lousy situation to be in but this guy is not interested in another babv and I bet he disappears on you once the abortion is over.  Do what is right for you, which seems to be the abortion.  At 35 with a 16 yr old, it would be tough to start over with a new baby.  IMO termination is the best option.

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8 hours ago, Katie jade said:

 boyfriend of 1 year .  I'm 35 now with a 16year old daughter I told him that I didn't want him to be with me for my termination.

Sorry this is happening. How was your relationship prior to this?

Do you live together? Were your future goals or plans aligned?

Was there a reason no condoms/contraception were being used?

You made the right decision asking him to stay away during this procedure.

That way you can get the support from your friends, family, clinic, etc.

It seems like you were at odds and on different wavelengths before this happened.

While you are at home with friends and family, take that time to reflect if you're compatible or want to continue the relationship.

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Thank you everyone for your honest responses, to be fair, he isn't a horrible person but definitely selfish and really believes that arranging the weekend with his mates is totally acceptable because I previously stated that I didn't want him at home with me. I've decided to go ahead with the termination with 100 per cent certainty , as I would never want to be connected with him in the future should I walk away for good, I've been through that before with my daughter's dad and I couldn't do it again.anyway, I have had a few days break from him , no contact, but last night, I tried to call him and msg him but of course, no response , as he was out once again with his friends , I felt stupid for being the one to chase him when all he seems to do is be out and about whilst I'm stuck at home trying to fix together the consequences of both of our actions. It's frustrating.

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I am sorry for your predicament but I don’t think you will see him again . In his selfishness and callousness he feels he has already washed his hands of it and walked away. I have seen it play out 1000 times that way on here. 
Take some time to care for yourself and be with people who truly care . 

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1 hour ago, Katie jade said:

believes that arranging the weekend with his mates is totally acceptable because I previously stated that I didn't want him at home with me.

Try not to send mixed messages like this. It sounds like hanging out with his friends all the time has been an issues all along.

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1 hour ago, Katie jade said:

Thank you everyone for your honest responses, to be fair, he isn't a horrible person but definitely selfish and really believes that arranging the weekend with his mates is totally acceptable because I previously stated that I didn't want him at home with me. I've decided to go ahead with the termination with 100 per cent certainty , as I would never want to be connected with him in the future should I walk away for good, I've been through that before with my daughter's dad and I couldn't do it again.anyway, I have had a few days break from him , no contact, but last night, I tried to call him and msg him but of course, no response , as he was out once again with his friends , I felt stupid for being the one to chase him when all he seems to do is be out and about whilst I'm stuck at home trying to fix together the consequences of both of our actions. It's frustrating.

You sound like you know what you need and want. It's been a process figuring out whether he's someone you can see yourself with and this is a catalyst. Keeping you in my thoughts this Friday. 

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12 hours ago, Katie jade said:

I don't know if our relationship is repairable

I don't see how it could be. 

He doesn't appear to want this relationship anymore, anyway. I would be done. You've just learned what sort of man he truly is, and it's a crappy one. 

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Katie, your thinking shouldn't be revolving around your boyfriend, he is a gone man. There is a little human being's life that has been decided now with only two days to go. I think you should be thinking about this much bigger question, not about some selfish man.

At 35 and risk of complications of the abortion, it may well be that this is your last chance of having a second child. Are you firmly decided that you do not want the baby? Your initial reaction of joy at finding out about the pregnancy shows that at least at some level you want that baby. The only thing that actually matters now is if you want to have another (may be last) child and if you can benefit from help from family/friends. I think that your 16 y.o. daughter may help and may be happy to welcome a little brother/sister.

These are the big questions, your boyfriend is really unimportant in all this, given his clear answer that he will not take any responsibility for you and the baby.

The moment now is to think what you want and yes, there is another life that depends on you. 

Many women that do abortions take the decision prematurely, your case is not different, because you only found out 2 weeks ago. May be you need more time to reflect on this and talk to a trusted friend, family member and your daughter. Many women after an abortion fall in depression, reminisce the pregnancy for years afterwards, dream about how the unborn baby might have looked like. It is not something that is easily forgotten and they say it does leave scars.

If you are established and financially secure, please rethink your decision, and this without any consideration for your boyfriend because he does not deserve any. 

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5 hours ago, Katie jade said:

Thank you everyone for your honest responses, to be fair, he isn't a horrible person but definitely selfish and really believes that arranging the weekend with his mates is totally acceptable because I previously stated that I didn't want him at home with me. I've decided to go ahead with the termination with 100 per cent certainty , as I would never want to be connected with him in the future should I walk away for good, I've been through that before with my daughter's dad and I couldn't do it again.anyway, I have had a few days break from him , no contact, but last night, I tried to call him and msg him but of course, no response , as he was out once again with his friends , I felt stupid for being the one to chase him when all he seems to do is be out and about whilst I'm stuck at home trying to fix together the consequences of both of our actions. It's frustrating.

You are making the best decision.  

He sounds more like a teenager, not a 32-year-old man.  This guy sounds awful.   

Were you aware of his immaturity and selfishness before this happened. Were you using birth control?

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5 hours ago, East4 said:

 

No I didn't realize he was this bad until I found out I was pregnant, then we started rowing and since then he's been an arse. I wasn't on contraception as I had an operation when I was 22 and the doctors said my chances of falling pregnant were very slim , it's silly of me and I know , but yeh , I guess it did take many years to get pregnant but I really believed that I couldn't. Tonight , again, he doesn't answer his phone or messages, and it's nearly half 10pm so god knows what he's up to. It is driving me crazy and I shouldn't let it, but I can't understand how someone could be so cruel, it's not fair on an unborn baby to feel how much stress I'm going through. Thank you all for your previous responses .

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24 minutes ago, Katie jade said:

No I didn't realize he was this bad until I found out I was pregnant, then we started rowing and since then he's been an arse. I wasn't on contraception as I had an operation when I was 22 and the doctors said my chances of falling pregnant were very slim , it's silly of me and I know , but yeh , I guess it did take many years to get pregnant but I really believed that I couldn't. Tonight , again, he doesn't answer his phone or messages, and it's nearly half 10pm so god knows what he's up to. It is driving me crazy and I shouldn't let it, but I can't understand how someone could be so cruel, it's not fair on an unborn baby to feel how much stress I'm going through. Thank you all for your previous responses .

So I'm sensing that you don't want to abort because of how you're referring to your unborn baby.  Please don't consider his reaction in making your decision -he's checked out.

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I think maybe you care more about your child. Don’t let anyone force you into anything. 
 

He is checked out and won’t be back, but don’t make what you think might be a mistake. If you are 100% sure you know yourself best. 

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I think your boyfriend is not really a good guy because he's pressured you to have an abortion and now he's completely just abandoned you. The least he could do is be there for you. I think he has no empathy at all because having an abortion is do traumatic and he just doesn't care and just avoids you and ignores your calls. The pregnancy is also his responsibility because he made it happen too. I think you should just end it with your boyfriend. His behaviour is really bad. If you really want to have an abortion then that's your choice. But if you were only doing it for your boyfriend then I think don't do it just because of him. It looks like he's going to abandon you whether you have the child or not.

Edited by Tinydance
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If someone knocked up your 16 year old daughter (or when she's 21 or 30), would you want her boyfriend to treat her this way? HELL NO.  This man is so selfish and unsupportive and awful.  Have no sympathy for him. He sucks. I mean, who the hell won't go with you and take care of you when you're getting an abortion. Forget him. You deserve a man who is responsible, and wouldn't even put you in that situation by using protection, and take care of you when your sick or well.

I am sorry you have to go through this, but this guy is awful. Even if apologizes after the fact, he's not there when you need him most.

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