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"The Chase"


Ttyl5
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I was away on a girl's trip for the weekend. My boyfriend of 3 years (whom I live with) who has always been very bad at texting/calling back everyone (not just me) was hardly answering my texts the whole weekend. But I had a gut feeling to go through his phone for the first time. He's never cheated on me or done anything for me to feel the need to do so except for this gut feeling this past weekend. I found some not so great texts. All taking place the last few weeks.

1. Friend 1 asked: "Did you ***?"
Bf: "hahaha nah I went home"
Friend 1: "Was that even the girl you wanted to talk to?"
Bf: "lol not really I just ended up going home"

2. Bf: "Is that tall chick gunna be there?? 😍😍"
Friend 2: "We could set it up haha"
Bf: "Dude totally set it up 😍
Friend 2: "haha okay, yeah I think she liked you"

3. random number: "<her name>"
Bf: "Hey you're very beautiful"
Bf: "Hey if you want to come over let me know lol" 

Bf: calls her
Bf: " Be over in 20 mins"
Her: "Okay sounds good :)"
Bf: Here!

When I confronted him (mainly about the 3rd covo) he said nothing happened. She had friends over and he went with his friends. The girl was his friends girlfriends friend.  He admitted the text is 100% not okay and he was so sorry but really had no intentions.  So I asked why tell her she's beautiful and ask her to come over? He said "idk I was drunk and it must be "the chase"" but he would have never had her over or never done anything with her.

The last week since I confronted my bf (aka he got caught) he has been super apologetic.  Super nice asking me if I need things and cleaning the apartment (he never does that lol). Telling me how much he loves me and how great I am...

I believe him that nothing happened and he didn't cheat on me... but that still doesn't excuse the texts. I don't want to be too soft but i also don't want to be too stubborn. 

What do you think? Am I a fool for staying and giving him another chance?

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Someone who cares about you and who is actually loyal doesn't go chasing after someone else the minute you are out of town, or they are drunk, or insert any other excuse here.

Did you go chasing after anyone while you were away? No. Why not? Because you are not a cheater.

Yes, it would be foolish to believe his bs or give him another chance. He showed you who he really is and you pretty much caught him red handed. The fact that he is going around do what he should have always been doing is irrelevant to his actual lack of character. Cheaters cheat. 

At the end of the day, can you trust him? Is this the kind of a relationship that you want - where you are always wondering what he is up to and with who the moment you turn your back? Is this really acceptable to you? Only you can answer these questions and make decisions accordingly.

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26 minutes ago, Ttyl5 said:

My boyfriend of 3 years (whom I live with)

he said nothing happened.

He said "idk I was drunk and it must be "the chase""

I believe him that nothing happened and he didn't cheat on me.

It sounds like you have too much invested, therefore are believing what you need to believe.

But do you really want to play house, keep looking over your shoulder or policing his texts?

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This past weekend? It's only hours since this has happened and I think you are reeling from shock. Think over it carefully and take your time letting it sink in. Would you feel comfortable leaving town again? If one of you went on a business trip or had to leave for emergency reasons to take care of an ill family member or for some other reason, would you be questioning his loyalty in the relationship? 

And if you both had children, would you trust him with your children or what he does when you have to work or aren't at home? 

Expand it a little more because it's not just this past weekend or this particular woman or what happened when he was drunk. He took advantage of the trust you both shared and chose to do something that undermines that trust. 

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If you believe him, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.  

Damn, what happened to your self worth!   Thinking that nothing happened and that this is the first time makes you very foolish.  Get tested and drop this cheater.

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Wow 😞 

Look at convo #2 ... So, he had planned to do something with someone?  Him saying 'yah, set it up'.

Do YOU trust him now?  I wouldn't.  Just too much.

He kicked in to cover his A** as he got caught.  Someone who is truly into you would not risk his relationship this way.

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So he exchanged numbers with a woman he told was beautiful, and arranged to be in her presence. A mature, ethical man who is in love knows how to set boundaries, and treats his partner the way he wants to be treated. He would NEVER risk his relationship by doing stupid crap like he's done.

You also learn a lot about a person by the the company they keep. His friend champions your bf cheating on you. A bunch of lowlifes.

I only know I'd be done the second I found this out. I don't give second chances to people whose ethics suck. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

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1 hour ago, Ttyl5 said:

Bf: "Hey you're very beautiful"
Bf: "Hey if you want to come over let me know lol" 

Do these lines work?  Damn I must be doing something very wrong.

Anyway, OP even if he didn't cheat now it was because he didn't have much luck. His intention though..hmmm..

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Nope, see ya later, dude. 

I would not believe for a minute that nothing happened with this other woman, nor that he didn't have the intention to cheat. He obviously did. He's scrambling because he got caught. 

Stay if you want, but at least you know now that he isn't invested in you or your relationship anymore. And it's probably not the first time. He's too bold and indiscreet for this to be his first rodeo. His comfort level with his infidelity (and the fact that his buddies obviously know about it too and even act as wingmen) indicate he's not new to this. It's just the first time you caught him. 

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3 hours ago, Ttyl5 said:

What do you think? Am I a fool for staying and giving him another chance?

You're not a fool, but you would be very, very foolish to stay with him.

Three years is enough time to spend with this joker. Like Andrina said:

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

A mature, ethical man who is in love knows how to set boundaries, and treats his partner the way he wants to be treated. He would NEVER risk his relationship by doing stupid crap like he's done.

Don't waste another minute of your precious time with this. 

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I think you know you need to break up with him. It is so hard to do it but you really, really need to. 3 years feels like a long time to have invested in someone just to say goodbye now. But think of it this way: thank yourself it was only 3 years, and won't be anymore.  Steer yourself, free yourself from him ❤️

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