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Thanks to those who have offered advice on my previous posts regarding my breakup with my ex. I like coming here and letting off steam as it means I don't end up reaching out to him 'seeking answers'.

My ex and I spoke last week, albeit briefly. I acknowledged to him where I believe my behaviour could have fallen short (nothing serious, but just there were times where I felt I could have handled a matter differently in order to support him as a partner). He sent me a very respectful response, and assured me that he didn't believe I'd done anything wrong and that he hopes I don't think I pushed him away. He also mentioned in this text that he thought I was a great partner and that because he felt unsure still about us, that it didn't feel right. This is a good answer in itself, because I believe it's helped provide me with some solidarity.

I've come here to just let out some steam, but I find all his behaviour a bit odd? He was so keen on me, now he's 'not sure', and he really isn't open to talking about the situation with me (he hasn't said this explicitly, but I get the vibe that he's just cutting the conversation off to prevent further conversation). Given how he ended things (over text without informing me there was a problem and at a distance so I couldn't see him face to face), I feel that this is a bit unfair? I've just been left to pick up the pieces.

Thanks again for everyone's help on previous posts, I've found your advice really helpful. Truthfully, I have been a bit wobbly over the last week or so, but I'm moving forward. I'm going for a promotion at work hopefully in a couple of months, and I've taken control back of my space, removed all objects that remind me of him and I'm just continuing to plod on ūüôā¬†

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 he certainly said he saw me as long-term. I guess the situations and my relocating were just something he didn't want to be involved with, which is highly suggestive of how he really feels about me at the end of the day. 

- He said a lot, which is typical of someone who is desperate or odd.  Seriously, think about it... HOW would he know or yourself, that a person you've been dealing with for about 3 months, that they are your everything... that they know you are so perfect for them?

It is unrealistic and in time, he got a taste of what is was like to be involved with you.  (fantasy/reality).

No, whatever he said meant nothing.  One does not know from basic 'talk', that they are the one.. is silly.

And in that time (which is normal), one figures out if they 'feel it' or not- in which case, a relationship can build, or they pull out of it. - He pulled away.

 

58 minutes ago, artsygirl said:

I acknowledged to him where I believe my behaviour could have fallen short (nothing serious, but just there were times where I felt I could have handled a matter differently in order to support him as a partner). He sent me a very respectful response, and assured me that he didn't believe I'd done anything wrong and that he hopes I don't think I pushed him away. He also mentioned in this text that he thought I was a great partner and that because he felt unsure still about us, that it didn't feel right.

- YOUR behaviour? Re: your supporting him as a partner, I feel this hardly got off the ground.. and you just need to leave it be.

If he is saying, he is still 'uncertain', is basically saying, he is not in it like you are.

Realistically speaking - You only interacted with the guy a few months.. Now, how about you just stop.  Leave it all alone.

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I'm sorry that you felt you had to apologize at all to him. I think it was a very underhanded way to look for closure and receive reassurance. Try to avoid this at all costs.

He doesn't owe you any other explanations for why it didn't work. The way I like to think of it is this: A relationship hasn't worked and both parties are free to pursue their separate lives. Any attempts to go over what happened or apologies are not going to work anymore. It's water under the bridge and no longer relevant. The way that you choose to go about living from now onwards is all on you. 

He responded to you because it seemed like a half decent thing to do. I think if he knew that you were looking for more answers about the past or needing to know if he still wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have responded. You're still searching for ways to feel wanted and loved by this person and maybe you are in denial still. It takes time to get over a break up and move forwards but each decision you make either takes you one step forward or backwards. You get to choose how you want to make those steps from now on. Anything having to do with him or talking with him or reaching out counts as a step backwards. 

Congrats again on the promotion if I haven't said it. That's a great achievement. Celebrate those things. Removing those past items is also a big feat. Good for you for doing those things and looking forwards. 

 

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18 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm sorry that you felt you had to apologize at all to him. I think it was a very underhanded way to look for closure and receive reassurance. Try to avoid this at all costs.

He doesn't owe you any other explanations for why it didn't work. The way I like to think of it is this: A relationship hasn't worked and both parties are free to pursue their separate lives. Any attempts to go over what happened or apologies are not going to work anymore. It's water under the bridge and no longer relevant. The way that you choose to go about living from now onwards is all on you. 

He responded to you because it seemed like a half decent thing to do. I think if he knew that you were looking for more answers about the past or needing to know if he still wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have responded. You're still searching for ways to feel wanted and loved by this person and maybe you are in denial still. It takes time to get over a break up and move forwards but each decision you make either takes you one step forward or backwards. You get to choose how you want to make those steps from now on. Anything having to do with him or talking with him or reaching out counts as a step backwards. 

Congrats again on the promotion if I haven't said it. That's a great achievement. Celebrate those things. Removing those past items is also a big feat. Good for you for doing those things and looking forwards. 

 

Thank you, Rose Mosse. I really appreciate your continued support and advice on this situation. It has been both honest yet sensitive. 

I think the reason I have wanted to seek those answers is because my hands have just felt completely tied in this situation, from when he advised I should go home during the pandemic to be with family, to then text me to end it when I couldn't get to him to talk about it face to face, to then not have that face to face when I was back, and then just try to freeze the conversation out altogether... it's just left me feeling really shut out. It's a horrible feeling and I feel like I couldn't have done anything to avoid it, really. 

I know that time is a healer, and I am glad I've taken some steps forward to getting his stuff out of my flat. The whole thing still just hurts. I'll come out the other side. Thank you again for your help ūüôā¬†

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The fall out of a relationship is always painful. It doesn't matter whether it's the start, beginning or end or aftermath. It's always painful, bittersweet, uncomfortable in some way and may bring up a lot of emotions for awhile. There's nothing wrong with feeling those things and working through them.

What got me through was starting and working on other projects outside of work. Work isn't enough, imho. It's a very limited area and requires a particular method and thinking. It's not going to fulfill other interests or wants in life and if I based my level of happiness on work and romantic relationships only it would be a very small slice of what makes me happy. I'm not sure if this will help you at this stage but channel your curiosity about your past or this past relationship to other hobbies and interests. You could find more fulfilment there and recover some confidence too. 

This guy didn't make you happy and he ended it after a short time. Your life wasn't ruined by years of abuse or stuck unhappy in one place or your career upended or stalled. You have a lot going for you.

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9 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

The fall out of a relationship is always painful. It doesn't matter whether it's the start, beginning or end or aftermath. It's always painful, bittersweet, uncomfortable in some way and may bring up a lot of emotions for awhile. There's nothing wrong with feeling those things and working through them.

Yes, I agree. I think I'm also struggling to deal with the fact I didn't see it coming, nor did I expect that that last time we spent together in person would be the last time I would see him when we were together (or potentially ever again). That's felt really jarring, everything seemed fine then. I think that's what I've struggled with most, it's just kind of hit me and I've struggled to pick up the pieces and have just felt very shut out. Everyone in my life has been very sympathetic and trying to support me when I have wobbly moments (which have started to happen less and less), but yeah. Just feel left out in the cold really. I appreciate your patience with my rambling¬†ūüėÜ

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It's okay to wobble and make mistakes. It comes with the territory of being heartbroken and lost. When you say "shut out" what does that mean? Are you referring to how it ended? Or how you were treated during the relationship? 

A bit of your ego might be bruised and that's not uncommon either. It takes awhile to pick yourself up and move along.

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So he ended things in a very cold way, by text, and yet your response is to pour emotional energy and time into him by reaching out and rehashing stuff in the relationship? And realize when someone breaks up without addressing problems that could've fixed the relationship, it means he didn't care. There also could've been zero problems but his feeling just faded without any known reason.

It's fine to take this brief time to vent, but please quickly move on to a stage where you no longer speak of him to anyone, even this forum. I found out through my own experience, that speaking of people from my past who wronged me, or chose to no longer be in my life, or if I chose to exclude people from my life because they were toxic, that when I spoke of them, relaying stories, it brought up negative emotions within me. It kept them present in my life, even if just by thoughts, and they didn't deserve that space in my head.

In blocking, deleting, going silent about them, ridding myself of their daily presence in any way possible, it usually took me about 4 months to stop thinking of them daily. You're going through the mourning stage right now. Just make sure you don't stay bogged in that zone. Employ your positive actions to get to the healing stage. Good luck!

 

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9 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

 When you say "shut out" what does that mean? Are you referring to how it ended? Or how you were treated during the relationship? 

Just in terms of how it ended. Myself and everyone around me were really surprised. They knew how much he'd pursued me and they were really surprised to find out it was him who'd pulled the plug. I feel shut out in terms of how sudden it was, he didn't communicate that there was a problem until he ended it, and then was very stand-offish about providing me with an opportunity to at least talk it out in person when I was back. Whilst I know that's his right to stand back after a breakup, I was just surprised that he was so interested to then only leave me out in the cold ūüė쬆

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How can he be sooo interested and soooo into you when he didn't really know you all that well? Think about it because this is important and something you are stuck on.

He talked a big talk and told you a bunch of sweet sounding bs and what's scary is that you bought so heavily into that and actually took it to heart to the extent that you have. That is dangerous on your end and how women end up in terrible relationships. Always keep in the back of your mind that what burns hot, burns out fast. Basically that genuine relationships and connections actually take a lengthy time to develop.

Reality is that you barely know him and he barely knows you. You barely dated. Someone I know for 3 months, I wouldn't even call an "ex", more just some dude I kind of dated. Why? Because that's all it is - not enough time to even call it a relationship or warrant the label of an "ex".

He decided for whatever reason that he doesn't want to pursue things - that's normal. Happens. However, you are acting as if he just left you standing at the altar - that is the weird part and that's you being strange, not him. No man should be able to get under your skin and into your head and emotions so easily that some flattery and promises affect you so much. Have at least one foot firmly on the ground at all times and work on that.

 

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18 minutes ago, artsygirl said:

Just in terms of how it ended. Myself and everyone around me were really surprised. They knew how much he'd pursued me and they were really surprised to find out it was him who'd pulled the plug. I feel shut out in terms of how sudden it was, he didn't communicate that there was a problem until he ended it, and then was very stand-offish about providing me with an opportunity to at least talk it out in person when I was back. Whilst I know that's his right to stand back after a breakup, I was just surprised that he was so interested to then only leave me out in the cold ūüė쬆

A lot of break ups end up leaving one party blindsided either through denial or completely unawares. I say this in a kind way - I think you have a sense of entitlement with the break up. The very way he ended it shows his lack of interest so express your joy and freedom that all of this is over and try not to let this one person get you too down. Let go of that sense of entitlement. He doesn't owe you anything or to make nice after the break up. I'd be wary about playing the victim and keeping that victim narrative in your head that someone wronged you because they lost interest in you. No, that person left because you weren't compatible on some level or he didn't see eye to eye with you.  

It gets worse if you keep repeating the same mantra that he left you in the cold, he shut me out, he pulled the plug. You are caught in this cycle of seeing yourself as a victim in the break up. I assure you you are not. I think you were rid of someone that could have brought you more unhappiness if he was unhappy in the relationship. You are now free, free to love someone else, and live your life. Don't look back with so much regret. 

I find practicing gratitude lessens that victim-mindset and gets me out of a rut. When I'm grateful for what I do have as opposed to being unhappy about what I don't have, it keeps me level and grounded. I can appreciate and build forwards.

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25 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

A lot of break ups end up leaving one party blindsided either through denial or completely unawares. I say this in a kind way - I think you have a sense of entitlement with the break up. The very way he ended it shows his lack of interest so express your joy and freedom that all of this is over and try not to let this one person get you too down. Let go of that sense of entitlement. He doesn't owe you anything or to make nice after the break up. I'd be wary about playing the victim and keeping that victim narrative in your head that someone wronged you because they lost interest in you. No, that person left because you weren't compatible on some level or he didn't see eye to eye with you.  

It gets worse if you keep repeating the same mantra that he left you in the cold, he shut me out, he pulled the plug. You are caught in this cycle of seeing yourself as a victim in the break up. I assure you you are not. I think you were rid of someone that could have brought you more unhappiness if he was unhappy in the relationship. You are now free, free to love someone else, and live your life. Don't look back with so much regret. 

I find practicing gratitude lessens that victim-mindset and gets me out of a rut. When I'm grateful for what I do have as opposed to being unhappy about what I don't have, it keeps me level and grounded. I can appreciate and build forwards.

Thank you for this. I agree with you. There's a part of me that has felt a rather 'victim mentality' mindset to all this. I do appreciate your honesty and hear what you're saying. I'm doing my best to move forward and am going to try to get that mindset out of my head as soon as possible, I agree that it's been getting me down in the dumps perhaps even more than necessary feeling as if I'm owed an explanation. The text breakup wasn't the best way to go about things, but I do need to stop 'expecting' a thorough explanation. We both just need to move away from each other at this point and continue on with our lives. I'll do my best to move forward ūüôā¬†

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