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Feeling Guilty but Not Wanting the Friendship


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9 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Thank you!  I greatly appreciate and respect your advice, too. 

I can see how I am not always right and I do toxic crap, too.  Like hey we are all just living here.  Trying our bests.  I know for me, her invite to meet outside, was not that bad on it's own.  It's just the build up of so many hurt feelings.  It's hard to fix.  

And I agree with you-- covid has made things so much worse.  I know I am passive aggressive.  And I am really working on that.  That book I mentioned about boundaries, helping me see.  We all kinda default to passive aggressive.  It takes practice though.

I hope your conversation is productive and you work some things out. 

The built up feelings, exacerbates everything.  Plus, you had said you were not comfortable, yet she pushed- sounds like my friend.  It is so disrespectful for people to ignore one's wishes.  

PA is not good, I am also guilty of it.   All of that anger churning inside and coming out in hurtful ways.   I think that being vocal is so much more healthy.  

Thank you.  Sadly, I think it has to be the demise of the friendship as the issues have become intolerable.    

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Hi!  You've gotten such great and heartfelt input so I am not going to add much but I feel you on this -it's just an awful situation.  Sending hugs and peace.  

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41 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I definitely do...  I realize through this thread I sound pretty uptight and critical of a friend.  But it has been a long time coming.   

No you are not and you are not a bad guy either. You've got to stop telling yourself this.

As for what is good and bad, rethink how you define these things.

 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Hi!  You've gotten such great and heartfelt input so I am not going to add much but I feel you on this -it's just an awful situation.  Sending hugs and peace.  

Thanks Batya33!

I agree and appreciate the support!❤

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31 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

No you are not and you are not a bad guy either. You've got to stop telling yourself this.

As for what is good and bad, rethink how you define these things.

 

So true. I'm allowed to decide things for myself and let go with peace. ❤

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4 hours ago, Lambert said:

I have tried explaining how I feel to her multiple times.  Sometimes she would apologize, but not change.  Other times, she'd say things like "As much as you complain about me, I wonder why you want to be my friend."  To which, I would say-- exactly what I am saying.  She would never hear that.  She would just keep guilting me.  Or saying weird things-- like she can't be with out my friendship.  Or get this-- I am such a great friend, I expect too much of her to be the same kind of friend.  

So, you STOP everything!  You stop responding.. you stop meeting up with them.. Nothing!

You know what it is doing to you - she is toxic to you.

And so you wonder.. why do I tolerate this woman? (guilt?).

Don't feel that.. we avoid ppl like this- who drain us 😞 .

It is affecting you.  Then be strong.. do NOT react to anything.  You carry on, on your own and do NOT respond anymore.

I had a friend for a few yrs.. she ended up messing up my head- due to her insecurities & assumptions.. as I'd hang around with a 'guy friend', she fancied too much.. ended up she blew it with me.. and when I approached her on it all, she first appologized and before I could respond back, she had emailed me again totally turning it all around & back onto ME!?  Like what?  Wasn't this about your issue's?

So, I just stopped dealing with her.. No more head games, guilt trips, no reactions anymore.. Yah, she tried a cpl more times since to reach out & ask how I am doing.. I never responded.

 

So, we choose who we deal with.  If someone is being an annoying **** then you rid of if.

 

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11 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

So, you STOP everything!  You stop responding.. you stop meeting up with them.. Nothing!

You know what it is doing to you - she is toxic to you.

And so you wonder.. why do I tolerate this woman? (guilt?).

Don't feel that.. we avoid ppl like this- who drain us 😞 .

It is affecting you.  Then be strong.. do NOT react to anything.  You carry on, on your own and do NOT respond anymore.

I had a friend for a few yrs.. she ended up messing up my head- due to her insecurities & assumptions.. as I'd hang around with a 'guy friend', she fancied too much.. ended up she blew it with me.. and when I approached her on it all, she first appologized and before I could respond back, she had emailed me again totally turning it all around & back onto ME!?  Like what?  Wasn't this about your issue's?

So, I just stopped dealing with her.. No more head games, guilt trips, no reactions anymore.. Yah, she tried a cpl more times since to reach out & ask how I am doing.. I never responded.

 

So, we choose who we deal with.  If someone is being an annoying **** then you rid of if.

 

You're right. Thank you, SooSad33

I'm sorry you went through that.

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34 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I'm sorry you went through that.

Is okay. In time like any relationship, we come to see who we need in our lives & who we don't.  We don't match up with everyone.. and having even a small circle is all good 🙂 .

Take care of YOU.  What you can handle or not.  What you need or don't  .

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6 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I also have a friend like this but she is about 10 years older than me and I think of her like an older sister.

6 hours ago, Lambert said:

You're also right about me not being true to myself, in this situation.  I am not sure why.  As you said out of obligation.

These two posts made me think about the friend I referred to earlier, the one I 'broke up' with.... Lambert, do you think your friend once served a need for you, which you have since outgrown?

 

 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

These two posts made me think about the friend I referred to earlier, the one I 'broke up' with.... Lambert, do you think your friend once served a need for you, which you have since outgrown?

 

 

Sure.  I do.  We were very close and had great times for years.  YEARS!  There were many times I was so thankful for her friendship.  But where as I feel I have grown into a middle aged (yikes) woman that is confident and fulfilled with the life I have created.  She has basically reverted back.  Her needs have just taken over.  She doesn't even see it.  I kinda feel like there isn't enough air for her.  Even the things that happen to me, I have to manage how they impact her.   

Then there is the gossip, the petty behavior, the need for constant attention and reassurance is is exhausting.  And there is also a component of babysitting her.  She's the one that is going to get too drunk and need someone to take care of her.  Or she's going to leave her wallet and not remember where.  It can be anything... but whatever is going to happen it is going to be the most dramatic thing.  And everyone is going to be wrapped up in it.  And granted those things do happen at times.  But when it's an all day, every day, even over the phone thing....  Remember it's been over a year of a pandemic.  I haven't even seen her. 

I have received paragraphs long texts about how a problem I was having was waking her up in the night.  She cries for me and she prays, prays, prays, prays, prays, prays for me.  Mind you, I was sleeping through the night and it was my problem.  

Whatever is happening, it is happening to her.  There is no room for me to even have my own problems.  LOL.  It's nuts.  It really is.  I have asked her if she has considered talking to someone because the situation was so over the top.  And that I am sorry she feels so impacted, but I can't be responsible for her reactions to things that are happening to me.  And I think from that and a big fight we had right before that, I started to realize, I have to get out of this situation.  this is not normal.  

I am not her significant other.  She has a hubs.  I don't want to be so responsible for a friend.  My life is mine and I did not vow to share it with her.  LOL.  

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43 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Then there is the gossip, the petty behavior, the need for constant attention and reassurance is is exhausting.  And there is also a component of babysitting her.  She's the one that is going to get too drunk and need someone to take care of her. 

This is so funny. When I first wrote my last post, it turned into a novella about that one friend of mine. I ended up deleting all of it but those few sentences I posted. But you've basically described here, in a nutshell.

Back when I was friends with her, she filled a void that I had in my life. But I think that I started maturing. And right around that time, she started regressing. It was really tough for me to end the friendship, but I felt I had to. 

I still have the old email I sent to her from back in 2000. She'd crossed a line with me, and I thought, If a boyfriend did that to me, would he still be around? The answer was No. And that's basically what I wrote to her in the email. That's why I always think of it as breaking up with her.

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

This is so funny. When I first wrote my last post, it turned into a novella about that one friend of mine. I ended up deleting all of it but those few sentences I posted. But you've basically described here, in a nutshell.

Back when I was friends with her, she filled a void that I had in my life. But I think that I started maturing. And right around that time, she started regressing. It was really tough for me to end the friendship, but I felt I had to. 

I still have the old email I sent to her from back in 2000. She'd crossed a line with me, and I thought, If a boyfriend did that to me, would he still be around? The answer was No. And that's basically what I wrote to her in the email. That's why I always think of it as breaking up with her.

Me, too!!  One of my other responses to you was this long story and I deleted it.  Even this post is too long.  lol.  So i hear ya.  there are many things over the years and I am sure I have done things, too, over the years.  in any long time relationship there is a lot of forgiveness and moving passed problems.

However, this thread and what I am dealing with, is the realization that my needs in a friendship are not being met. And I am dreading interactions.  So like you said, it's like dumping a guy. 

It is tough.  I appreciate all the understanding from you and others here.  Oh if we weren't trying to be anonymous we could all go hang out.  haha.  

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1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

You’ve told her you need space, let that space go on foreverrrr.

If she chases you, tell her your feelings haven’t changed.

Thank you, 1a1a.  You're right.  it's time to let it goooooo.

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21 hours ago, Lambert said:

Sure.  I do.  We were very close and had great times for years.  YEARS!  There were many times I was so thankful for her friendship.  But where as I feel I have grown into a middle aged (yikes) woman that is confident and fulfilled with the life I have created.  She has basically reverted back.  Her needs have just taken over.  She doesn't even see it.  I kinda feel like there isn't enough air for her.  Even the things that happen to me, I have to manage how they impact her.   

Then there is the gossip, the petty behavior, the need for constant attention and reassurance is is exhausting.  And there is also a component of babysitting her.  She's the one that is going to get too drunk and need someone to take care of her.  Or she's going to leave her wallet and not remember where.  It can be anything... but whatever is going to happen it is going to be the most dramatic thing.  And everyone is going to be wrapped up in it.  And granted those things do happen at times.  But when it's an all day, every day, even over the phone thing....  Remember it's been over a year of a pandemic.  I haven't even seen her. 

I have received paragraphs long texts about how a problem I was having was waking her up in the night.  She cries for me and she prays, prays, prays, prays, prays, prays for me.  Mind you, I was sleeping through the night and it was my problem.  

Whatever is happening, it is happening to her.  There is no room for me to even have my own problems.  LOL.  It's nuts.  It really is.  I have asked her if she has considered talking to someone because the situation was so over the top.  And that I am sorry she feels so impacted, but I can't be responsible for her reactions to things that are happening to me.  And I think from that and a big fight we had right before that, I started to realize, I have to get out of this situation.  this is not normal.  

I am not her significant other.  She has a hubs.  I don't want to be so responsible for a friend.  My life is mine and I did not vow to share it with her.  LOL.  

I don't know how you ever had the energy for this. So glad you are done.

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Make the drastic cut.  Tell her it's time to go your separate ways and wish her all the best.  Don't complain and don't explain.  If she's relentless after your respectful statement, then ignore, ghost, block and delete her permanently.  Done. 

With some people, you can't be too nice because they'll never take the hint nor get your message.  They're too dumb to be perceptive enough to use common sense when it comes to interpersonal skills and lifestyle habits.   

Don't bother.  Go your own way in life and stop wasting your time and energy on people who are a real drag.

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