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Please help. Do I stay or go?

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Been together 12 years. Due to past trauma (long story) as a teen my partner (m) wants to sleep with another man. Says he is not bi. Wants me to be involved but not right now due to feeling insecure as our relationship has been Rocky lately. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I want this. But then I feel bad as I know where this stems from is a place of hurt and trauma. Part of me also knows that I could just say no, but then how could I ever be intimate with him knowing I’m not all he wants/needs physically? I also feel like a relationship (or the one I signed up for anyway) should be monogamist both emotionally and physically. Any advice please? My head feels like it’s about to explode. He dropped this on me last night with no warning. 

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Sorry about all this. 

What he’s told you, and what he’s asked, is a lot to process and would throw anyone. Just saying that to encourage you to take all the time you need right now to process, rather than feeling like you need to give him an answer right away. 

I find his explanation as to why he wants to do this a bit questionable, I have to say. Sounds a bit like he is using this past trauma to avoid directly exploring or owning something about his sexuality—a curiosity about men. In your 12 years together have you had any thoughts that this might be something he’s interested in? Have you ever questioned his sexuality? How exactly has the relationship been “rocky”?

Hard as this is, I think it’s good that he has brought it up with you. Meet him right there and share everything this brings up for you. If what you want is a monogamous relationship you need to be clear on that, along with any and every feeling you’re having. I would also strongly suggest that you two talk about this together with a professional, especially since he seems to view this as a way of treating trauma. Would you be open to that? Do you think he would?

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3 hours ago, Asdfghjkl09 said:

my partner (m) wants to sleep with another man. Says he is not bi. Wants me to be involved I know where this stems from is a place of hurt and trauma. 

Wanting to have sex with men has zero to do with "past trauma". It doesn't matter if he is bi, on the down low, whatever.

But be assured he's gaslighting you if he told his proclivities are "due to childhood trauma". 

Get to a doctor for STD testing. Be honest with your doctor about your partners confession. He may or may not have acted on this already.

At that time privately and confidentially get a referral to a therapist. Talk to an attorney about severing things (if you co-own anything). 

You are risking your health believing his "I'm not bi, it's due to trauma" story:


Edited by Wiseman2
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Wants me to be involved but not right now due to feeling insecure as our relationship has been Rocky lately.

What is this part about? Do you mind explaining a bit more? I lean more towards Bluecastle's thoughts but this makes me think that there's a lot more you're not sharing and he could be gaslighting you as Wiseman pointed out. 

Why would he seek to treat his own trauma by going outside of your relationship? This makes no sense at all and very hurtful to the other partner.


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I don't know what a past trauma and a threesome have to do with one another. Of course he is bi.   

Personally, if someone suggested this to me, I would be done!  Hell no!   I would also assume that he has been with other men.   Get tested!

I also suggest some couples counseling.

Edited by Hollyj
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Just replying to answer some questions/give more info. 
i only learned of what happened to him a few months back and I still don’t know all the details but the main note to take from it being it involved an older man. 

Never questioned his sexuality before. Me being dominant has always been asked of during sex, pegging etc which I had to get on board with as I wasn’t at the start. He says he watched gay porn and csnt even look at the men’s faces and when they kiss it makes him cringe etc.


Rocky relationship- we broke up for a few months last year. In that time he slept with other people, I didn’t, so there’s been a lot to work through. On top of this his mum passed away and his mental health took a big hit. Suicidal thoughts, attempts, most recently gambling.

wanting me to be involved. He would want me to have a threesome with him abs another man. But he’s insecure and doesn’t want to see me be sexual with another person.


I have asked him several times to go speak to someone about what he told me about his past. He brushes it off although does seek help for other mental health issues. As I said, he only told me about this a few months ago and no one else knows. So I guess he’s still at the stage of not being able to share details etc as I don’t even know the whole story. 

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I don't know why you're complicit to his issues and armtwisting. This person is too stuck in his problems to think of another person or care for another person in a relationship. If he's unwilling to get help and speak to someone, leave. You do not have to be a part of this.

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2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you need to concede that this relationship is as good as over. 

You two are deeply incomptable on a very signficant level. Time to walk. 

Agree with this, given what you've added. 

I understand this new information/request is what's on your mind right now, but try to zoom out a little bit further and I think you'll see that this relationship has been causing you more strife than anything else for a good long time. 

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I can't speak for you, but I wouldn't buy it. When the bottom line comes down to someone asking me to do what I don't want to do, or to stay involved in something that isn't what I want, I don't care how many psyche words get wrapped around it--I say 'bull'.

Edited by catfeeder
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He's at least bi-curious, and there's nothing wrong with that.  There is also nothing wrong with you not wanting to entertain a threesome.

I agree that this is a fundamental incompatibility, and you two should work on transitioning your relationship to a friendship and move on.

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