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So I have this friend, we’ve known each other for almost 3 years now and we get along pretty well. I like spending time with her, it’s fun but what really bothers me is how flaky she is. I’m someone who likes to plan things, like what I will do on weekends or after work, even though it’s pretty limited these days because of the restrictions.  I completely understand that not everyone likes to plan things as much as I do, and I’ve tried to understand my friend too.

She barely plans at all, she makes last minute plans, or cancels at the last minute, or replies to my message 1 week later. She says she’s busy with work, but she also ends up hanging out with different people.

She helped me a lot in the past, I think she’s a good person but we’re just not on the same page when it comes to planning. I understand if someone needs to cancel at the last minute, it happens, but she would suggest meeting up on Sunday, then stop replying to my messages, and then get back to me on Monday that she had ended up doing something else.

She’s been always like this and I would just get over it, but this time I’m just tired of this, I feel like she doesn’t really make time to hang out with me, and simply has different priorities.

Does anyone have a similar friend? I try to respect my friends’ personalities but at the same time I want to have friends who actually want to spend time with me.

Edited by kim42
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Her behavior is very inconsiderate.   She does not value your time.

Why are you hanging onto this?  She does not sound like a good friend.   Do you  have other friends? 

Edited by Hollyj
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She doesn't care enough about you to make the effort to be a good friend to you.  Why do you pursue this "friendship?"  I've had flaky friends and the easiest way to deal with them is to remove them from my life.  Back off, way off, from contacting them and making any kind of plans with them, t's not worth the aggravation in the end.

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My best friend here always says we’ll see which has always meant no. So I don’t bother asking anymore and if she suggests something I say we’ll see. 😄

I refuse to get myself in a bind anymore about friends . I may get vaguely irritated but I have found 99% of people are about themselves. 

So I just do my own thing if they want to be part of it ok and if they don’t also ok. 

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4 hours ago, kim42 said:

Does anyone have a similar friend?

Yes.

I know that a lot of people hate flaky friend syndrome, but I don't personally find it difficult to deal with.

When we make plans to see each other, I also make plans to not see each other. 

In fact, I sort of prefer it this way. I find that it gives me the flexibility to cancel at the last moment as well, whenever I want to, without feeling guilty.

I think it's a matter of personal preference.

I do try to keep all of my commitments, but maybe I'm really just a flake at heart. 

Edited by Jibralta
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I feel a certain aversion to planning social things in advance but I know some of the people I like prefer too and are unlikely to be receptive to spontaneous invites. But I really like their company. So I make plans in advance and follow through on them. 
 

I reckon you can dial back the work you’re doing on maintaining that friendship to zero. 

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Can you make plans with other friends? When this happens I usually make other plans and I stop communicating with the same person. I don't initiate any contact or propose any plans. We may be cordial or friendly but I understand that that is his or her personality. You mentioned wanting to accept that so accept it, make room for that and maybe expand your circle or don't be afraid to go out on your own. 

The initial let down is sad and disappointing but you don't need to keep repeating the same pattern with the same person. Life's too short. 

 

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Thank you everyone for your comments. I do have other friends, it’s not like she would be my only friend, she just lives in my neighborhood, so it was easy to hang out. I wanted to know if I am overacting, or if this is something that just happens all the time.

Rose – makes sense, I’ll try to expand my circle, as hard as it is right now.

I’m also a nostalgic person so I tend to hold on to memories, and it makes me sad to leave this friendship behind. I don’t know this is not the best thing, I’m trying to work on this.

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It definitely happens... I don't think you are overreacting and it is a let down when someone doesn't pull through or makes up excuses for not showing. 

I think of it as not letting go or anything too grand or closed off so to speak. I just swap the time I would have spent with that person with another person (a good friend) whom I'd like to get to know also. It doesn't mean you can't be friends with this person who is flaky. Just... let them be who they are. You can be you too and spend more time with other friends.

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Thank you Rose, this sounds reasonable. I never told her anything about her being flaky, I just let it be but lately I've been tired of it. 

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6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I wanted to know if I am overacting, or if this is something that just happens all the time.

It's really up to you, and your preferences. You should surround yourself with people who make you feel good. 

I don't interpret a friend's flakiness as a sign of disrespect. I find more to friendship than keeping engagements. It's a nuisance to keep track of how friends keep their plans with me or not. I mean, I know which ones are less reliable, but that's about it.

But when it comes to romantic relationships, I have a totally different standard. I would not accept this behavior from my partner. Go figure.

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After your last post actually I do remember someone who did this a few times with me but it was some years ago and we're not friends anymore because we drifted apart. I forgot about this.

I think one of the last times we saw each other I was so desensitized when she suggested meeting up, I asked her to meet me at the gas station as I was going to fill up gas. If she wanted to be there we could go for lunch afterwards. She did actually show up at the gas station but I didn't go out of my way to make plans with her. This isn't ideal and I think it was a spur of the moment thing that ended up working out that day.

 

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15 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I never told her anything about her being flaky, I just let it be but lately I've been tired of it. 

Do you think it would help if she knew it bothered you? 

I (personally) doubt that it would. I think it could actually cause a weird power struggle. 

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5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

After your last post actually I do remember someone who did this a few times with me but it was some years ago and we're not friends anymore because we drifted apart. I forgot about this.

I think one of the last times we saw each other I was so desensitized when she suggested meeting up, I asked her to meet me at the gas station as I was going to fill up gas. If she wanted to be there we could go for lunch afterwards. She did actually show up at the gas station but I didn't go out of my way to make plans with her. This isn't ideal and I think it was a spur of the moment thing that ended up working out that day.

 

That gas station story made me laugh, thanks for sharing 😃

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7 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It's really up to you, and your preferences. You should surround yourself with people who make you feel good. 

I don't interpret a friend's flakiness as a sign of disrespect. I find more to friendship than keeping engagements. It's a nuisance to keep track of how friends keep their plans with me or not. I mean, I know which ones are less reliable, but that's about it.

But when it comes to romantic relationships, I have a totally different standard. I would not accept this behavior from my partner. Go figure.

I don't mind if my friends cancel at the last minute, or if they sometimes forget to reply to my message, I think we've all been there, but I think it's a little rude to make plans, and then just disappear, only to send a message a few days later that she was busy. And she does this often.

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6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think it's a little rude to make plans, and then just disappear, only to send a message a few days later that she was busy

Yeah, that's not very nice.

But I do have a friend like that, and I simply don't worry about her. I can't get rid of her actually. I've known her since third grade and she comes around once in a blue moon. Sometimes after several years (and we're 44!!!!). It's just not on my radar for getting upset. I know the kind of person she is. There's nothing I can do but accept it. I literally invest zero emotional energy in her.

Edited by Jibralta
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Yes and there was a point years ago when I realized how much more I prioritized friends who were reliable planners and show-uppers.  I am.  Always unless there's a true crisis and pre-cell phone that meant no way of getting in touch with the person (like the time I was bit by a dog and didn't show up to meet my friend - he was really mad at me because he waited so long and I had zero way of contacting him and needed medical attention.  So that's what I mean -emergency, fine.  With cell phones I truly don't get flakiness.  What I started doing was never making plans alone with the flakers - so that if they didn't show up I was less inconvenienced.  And I would leave or eat my lunch on my own instead of waiting around.  

Please don't apologize for being a planner.  It's a good thing.  I have a friend for the last 25 plus years and his thing is that when he makes a plan like "let's get lunch next week" -he makes it a point to pick place and time right then - certainly he's open to changing it up if it comes to that but he likes to have it all set- not this kind of tentative -oh sounds good, let's see how it's going next week.  You will know if you're being too rigid - like of course you're fine if someone is 5-10 minutes late, or has to cancel for an emergency, etc.  

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33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What I started doing was never making plans alone with the flakers - so that if they didn't show up I was less inconvenienced.

I do that, too! You know, that's probably a big reason why I don't get irritated by it. 

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9 hours ago, kim42 said:

She’s been always like this and I would just get over it, but this time I’m just tired of this, I feel like she doesn’t really make time to hang out with me, and simply has different priorities.

Does anyone have a similar friend? I try to respect my friends’ personalities but at the same time I want to have friends who actually want to spend time with me.

Sounds like you two do have some differences.  Have you mentioned to het that you would appreciate some warning- at least a few hrs, if she needs to bow out of the plans?

Maybe her mind wanders a lot?  So much going on in there?

Does she always fail to meet with the 'plans'?

Why don't you just avoid her and be with friends you do know can hold an arrangement?

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I tend to relegate flakes to 'acquaintance' territory rather than regard them as friends.

This allows me to avoid burning bridges while reducing my expectations of them to zero.

If the acquaintance ever invites me to something she's doing, great, I may show up. Otherwise, I avoid making plans with her, I'll accept an occasion phone call from her or reach out for a chat now and then, and I've otherwise grown comfortable enough with her other friends to enjoy with THEM anything to which she's invited me but cancels last minute. 

I can just show up and enjoy the group without her.

It makes no sense to hold expectations of any who's proven that you cannot rely on them. Skip that, enjoy her whenever your paths cross, and invest in people who actually deserve your investment.

Head high.

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2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Sounds like you two do have some differences.  Have you mentioned to het that you would appreciate some warning- at least a few hrs, if she needs to bow out of the plans?

Maybe her mind wanders a lot?  So much going on in there?

Does she always fail to meet with the 'plans'?

Why don't you just avoid her and be with friends you do know can hold an arrangement?

I think she’s one of those people who just can’t be on their own, she needs company all the time, so she either hangs out with friends or random guys from tinder or bumble, and maybe overschedules. I think I told her I prefer to make plans a little in advance, not sure if she understood. I feel like for her it’s not a big deal to make plans and then not follow through. I tried to accept her as she is but this year she became even more flaky, and it’s just too much.

As I mentioned, when we hang out, we have a lot of fun, and I have good memories with her so I don’t want to avoid her completely. I’ll just probably focus more on other people in my life.

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1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I tend to relegate flakes to 'acquaintance' territory rather than regard them as friends.

This allows me to avoid burning bridges while reducing my expectations of them to zero.

If the acquaintance ever invites me to something she's doing, great, I may show up. Otherwise, I avoid making plans with her, I'll accept an occasion phone call from her or reach out for a chat now and then, and I've otherwise grown comfortable enough with her other friends to enjoy with THEM anything to which she's invited me but cancels last minute. 

I can just show up and enjoy the group without her.

It makes no sense to hold expectations of any who's proven that you cannot rely on them. Skip that, enjoy her whenever your paths cross, and invest in people who actually deserve your investment.

Head high.

I like this, especially about the expectations, thank you 🙂  

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Does anyone have a similar friend? I try to respect my friends’ personalities but at the same time I want to have friends who actually want to spend time with me.

Yes, I've had friends like yours.  My flaky friendship dissolved quickly.

Flaky friends are unreliable and undependable.  They're irresponsible. 

You need to stop doing or trying to plan anything with this friend.  You can still remain civil at best but don't do anything with this friend because it's frustrating. 

You need new, very responsible, empathetic friends who know how to treat you with consideration, respect and common sense.

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