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My BF and I are having sex-related tension.

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Background: my boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now, since our freshman year of college. It's been pretty serious, his family is like mine at this point, and I've made compromises to my future plans for our relationship. This is fine. Just noting that we're serious.

A little over a month ago, I got an IUD inserted, after discussing this BC method with him. We've been talking birth control for probably a year by this point. Why not? Insurance covers it, and we'll stay baby-free! We talked about my gyno appointments and the side effects of the IUD. I'm currently feeling great with it! I have a little bit of daily spotting, but hardly any cramps and no heavy bleeding at all.

However. My boyfriend refuses to even think of me in a sexual way. He's disgusted? Turned off? By my very light spotting that takes up less than a pantyliner a day. It’s essentially just tinted discharge at this point. Not even red, it’s mostly brown. I'm building up lots of resentment for this issue, and it has me crying myself to sleep nightly. I can’t stand to look at him right now. Though, it could possibly be easier for me to cry now bc hormones + antidepressants. But my feelings still stand. Obviously, I wouldn't cheat or leave him over it. But he refuses to even consider it. For me. What am I supposed to do? I've compromised on my future plans for him. I consider him in everything I do. I got the BC for us. I'm good at caving on lots of things (I know, this is an issue I talk about in therapy. I'm too soft/empathetic. People pleaser to the extreme end).

I know this may sound trivial or childish. I don't know why a lack of sex bothers me so much but it does. My sex drive has always been higher than his, but I also view sex as a small emotional component. Plus it feels good. It's even better after a bad day. I know he's horny, because he asks me almost daily if we're "good to smash" that night. I've been good! For weeks on weeks! I'm literally going crazy and it is so upsetting for me. What kind of compromise can be made on this? I sit and suffer, while he goes about uncaring? Or he gets trapped into something he finds totally disgusting? How is it fair to either of us? Is he just really immature? I am red hot angry, and have been for days. Masturbation only gets you so far. I love my partner, I want my partner. We used to do it at least twice a week. He still wants me to stay over at his place lots of nights, but just to sleep. No sex. This could last for the next 3-6 months. I can't do it. IUD periods are irregular after that, too. It'll forever be a concern.

All advice welcome. Thank you.

TL;DR ranting about my frustration because my boyfriend won't have sex with me due to breakthrough bleeding.

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Sorry about all this. 

I don't quite know what to say save for the fact that, when it comes to sex and women, your boyfriend seems to have some awfully immature ideas. Prior to this, did he understand that you, like all women, menstruate? Is the specific issue here that he doesn't want to have sex when you are spotting or if you are spotting at all, like earlier in the day? I'm kind of shocked that you remain attracted to him, to be honest, given the way he's behaving right now. I mean, "good to smash"? What is that? 

But I digress...

Thing is, you really can't reprogram to think differently about this than he does. For whatever reason the reality that you are a woman—and not, I don't know, a doll?—is not something he is mature enough yet to be thrilled by rather than freaked out by. Bummer. Big time. But do know this is on him, not you. 

So, assuming you want to stay together, I'd say your options are to wait it out and see if the spotting subsides or try a new form for birth control. But I really can't advise any of that in good faith, since in your shoes I'd be asking some bigger questions about his level of maturity and general consideration for you. 

Lastly, there is nothing trivial or childish about being bothered by a lack of sex or wanting it. Romantic relationships are many things, but for the most part what separates them from our other relationships is that they involve the wonderful—and very adult, hardly trivial—act of sex and physical intimacy.   

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Sorry this is happening. It seems like a few different things are happening. 

1. Talk to your gyn doctor about these side effects.

2. Talk to your therapist and doctor about the depression/anxiety.

3. You seem to be overinvesting. For example, what exactly do you mean by "made compromises to my future"? 

4. This is a relationship problem. Even though you're staying at his place you seem disconnected and lacking intimacy and communication.

5. Are you sure it's your contraception that's turning him off? Or are you over sharing and smothering him?

6. Make some space between you two. Don't hang out this much. Get more involved in your own life. Hang out more with friends, classmates, roommates, family,etc.

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9 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I'm kind of shocked that you remain attracted to him, to be honest, given the way he's behaving right now. I mean, "good to smash"? What is that? 


I agree, OP. My attraction meter would hit 0 the second my partner spoke those words. Personally, I wouldn’t humour his immature mindset. I’d let him know that a little bit of spotting is a completely normal bodily function and isn’t remotely the same as an actual period, which I could understand making someone uncomfortable when considering having sex during that time.

He either gets over his behaviour or he doesn’t, and if he doesn’t then maybe you should rethink the relationship as this level of immaturity may surface in other areas of your relationship and leave you feeling more resentment at having to baby him.

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