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A new chapter


dias
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I had my mid year review at work (although I've been at this company only 4,5 months). It went well, my manager is more satisfied with me than I am with myself. I am not satisfied with myself but I am doing my best, there is nothing more I can do. 

I am not qualified for the mid year bonus as I am too new. He complained because I didn't sell myself when I wrote my "achievements" in my review form. I was too lazy to write anything, I wrote three lines. He said: " if I didn't know you, based on what you wrote I would think you are just another employee who does his job and stops at 5pm. You need to write something more in your next review if you want the bonus. The bonus is the carrot, if you want that beach house in Greece you have to earn it". I laughed on the inside, for me it's more like a mega yacht in Monaco which as an employee I will never get.  

When he said the word carrot my facial expression must revealed what I was thinking. The job itself was the carrot for me but it was the carrot I dangled in front of me. Now, when somebody else is dangling the carrot, it's a different story, it does not motivate me. When someone else dangles the carrot it feels so wrong, it feels like you are a dog chasing the dangling bone of your master. Ain't my personality. So he continued: "or maybe you don't care about the bonus and you get satisfaction from the job". I told him my motivation is intrinsic.

I asked him if I am what he expected. He replied "yes you are, I realized from the first 5 minutes talking to you that you have something special. I didn't hire you as a Senior Engineer because there are many things you have to learn and I am pushing you because I want you to improve and become a Senior Engineer in the next two years. We want you to stay at this company forever". It was quite a compliment I guess but when he said "forever" it was really hard to suppress my laughter lol. 

I have many things to learn, I know this better than he does, I know what I need to learn and improve, there are many many many many skills I need to improve, it's a process which never stops. I have dedicated my life to be the best I can be, bonuses no bonuses I don't really care. I want to start my own business, this is my childhood dream, at this point I am like a drug addict looking for his dose. The thought of staying an employee forever whether I make 50K or 500K is unbearable. It is simply not my destiny. I am very aware I don't have any talents. I know though I am very persistent, bold, I make all the sacrifices and I have the right attitude. These traits are way more significant than any talent and I can't waste myself doing a simple engineering job. It's not fair to myself. Besides I am not a very good engineer anyway since it's not my natural inclination. 

I have an idea I want to pursue which coincidentally is very relevant with my day job. So even if it fails I will still gain a lot of experience and better technical knowledge. First the cloud certificate though. Of course good (and difficult) things take years......

Edited by dias
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F*ck yeah, almost all my weekends and mornings for the past 4 months. Now I am a certified Microsoft Data Engineer and I can charge 500 pounds per day like the incompetent consultants we hired to train us HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I hope it was worth it!

It is if I stay an engineer long enough, it is not if I manage to start my own business. I aim for the latter regardless. 

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12 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I hope it was worth it!

I am investing a lot of time in this job and technologies because I want to have a back up job to fall back if I pursue a new business venture which does not burgeon. 

I don't want to end up 35 years old looking for average sh*tty paid jobs. Been there done that. I am much more careful now. 

I prefer to work more to cover every possibility than ending up with nothing.  

Yeah I know successful people say you should not have a plan B which I agree but reality taught me otherwise. 

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5 hours ago, dias said:

Yeah I know successful people say you should not have a plan B which I agree but reality taught me otherwise. 

I don't think it hurts you in this case because you're doing a job that requires critical thinking skills. It's always good to keep those sharp.

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17 hours ago, dias said:

430 pounds national insurance number.

I meant national insurance....what is wrong with my brain? (no need to answer)

Anyway, this week is better, I finished all my tasks and they haven't found any serious task to assign to me yet lol. Also, now that I don't have to wake up early and study 3-4 hours before I start work, it feels like I am on holidays. 

My manager was very surprised when I sent him the certificate, he said I exceeded his expectations lol. We talked about the certificate before I got it but he probably thought we were just "talking". Nope, I don't talk about stuff, I do stuff. Even my father didn't expect me to get it the first time who knows me so well (and got it with good mark:classic_cool:). What do they think, I am masturbating all these extra hours? lol Good thing, nobody in the department has this certificate, I am the only one 🙂

 

 

 

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The "figure it out on your own" mentality in some companies is getting on my nerves (it's stupid and ineffective most of the time). I hate this mentality. I think this culture is dictated and created from above. I never  worked in a company like that. I will never do. I am the polar opposite. 

Despite the fact I am the "lone wolf" type of person who likes doing things alone, I am very good team player and I always try to foster collaboration. I am the consensus builder type. I could never work with competitive-I know everything-I am the best-I never make mistakes type of people. 

First of all, when you do things alone is like re-inventing the wheel every time you do something new which is stupid and extremely time consuming. In this case, you can only become very good in very few things during your lifetime because there is not enough time (even if you are extremely dedicated). I hate this mentality, it's limited and I hate it when people are not helpful because they are competitive or they fear for their position. 

My brother is the competitive type (which nowadays I understand being competitive stems from fear and jealousy), I could never work with him. I remember whenever I asked him at school to help me with math he always replied "figure it out on your own". Very very useful..............He is always "don't help this guy or that guy at work or to find a job unless you know he will help you in the future". I don't operate like this. Maybe I am dumb in that respect but I just can't operate like this. I don't fear for my position, I don't fear that someone will get better than me, it's not how I think. 

What I personally found the best way to work is with driven people who can also work as a team. 2 average people who can cooperate well are far more efficient and productive than a talented one (don't tell me about exceptions here). I am well liked (as my manager put it) because I share knowledge with my colleagues. I like learning things from other people and I like sharing, we move way faster and further this way. 

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I agree. The best leaders uplift their teams. They don't fear or feel threatened by the successes of others. They celebrate them.

And people should retain some humility. None of us knows everything. We should be happy to learn from others, not become enraged because someone knows something we don't. Learning is an opportunity.

I can't imagine going to my boss and saying "I did this wrong because I was too embarrassed or too egotistical to ask for help". That would go over like a fart in church.

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6 hours ago, dias said:

My brother is the competitive type (which nowadays I understand being competitive stems from fear and jealousy), I could never work with him. I remember whenever I asked him at school to help me with math he always replied "figure it out on your own". Very very useful..............He is always "don't help this guy or that guy at work or to find a job unless you know he will help you in the future". I don't operate like this. Maybe I am dumb in that respect but I just can't operate like this. I don't fear for my position, I don't fear that someone will get better than me, it's not how I think. 

See, I consider myself competitive, but I don't fear that someone might be better than me at something. In fact, I like when people are better than me at something because then I get to try to beat them at it. I don't care if I lose against them ten times, or if it takes fifteen years before I come out ahead. I just like the competition. It's fun. Like you, I share information openly. I like a level playing field. It's a more satisfying victory. And if I don't win, I don't really care--I never stop trying so I won't admit to failure lol.

I agree with you though: some people have a corrupted version of competition. "Winning" is a show to them. I've seen that "figure it out on your own" mentality at quite a lot of places now, and I know for a fact that it's fear. I hope I never have to work in a place like that again! May we all never work for people like that again!

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It's been a few days I am in Athens now. I feel a bit down generally after getting the certificate. I don't have any immediate goals. I am like a drug addict, I need a purpose otherwise I am getting depressed. 

I don't have anything else to do. I don't have any friends, the only people I know are my housemates which although fine we are not friends. I haven't met anyone from work since Covid started. I don't know what to do. I workout because I love it but I have reached almost my full potential physically-wise, no goals there...I even find strippers boring...I can travel till January and I have enough money to spend but I don't have much motivation to do it alone. It would be a different case if I had to travel because I had a purpose to do X,Y,Z. Travelling for fun alone is not so fun, sure it's nice but I guess it's kind of lonely...? I haven't gone on a date since hmmm since I don't really remember. To be honest, after the girl from my previous work in Liverpool I don't have much motivation to start dating. Plus I don't want to spend too much time meeting just random girls or start a relationship for the sake of a relationship, if I invest time and money I need to be with a girl I really really like which is very difficult as I am so fussy. A girl that I wouldn't have to weigh whether it's better to spend this time working or with her. Like the girl in Liverpool. 

I know the answer, I have to go out and beat the numbers game, which I don't know if I want to enough....?

 

Just venting!

 

 

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I forgot Athens is f*cking depressing in winter. I won't stay long. But I don't like Newbury too. I feel trapped. I will try Staines as soon as I go back. Not that I expect it to be much better than Newbury.....I have to try it though. If I don't like it, I will try Leeds. 

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I read threads where people threaten with suicide if their partner breaks up with them. Is this for real? I've never heard something like this in real life.

My answer to any such stupid threat would be "Please go ahead, I don't want to be an obstacle". 

Nobody would repeat the same stupid threat with this answer, guaranteed!

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Yes, I had a buddy whose wife would threaten suicide whenever he would try and leave. They were both into drugs when they met, he got clean and she didn't. She's wasn't mentally well, obviously. He lived in terror worrying about her, he really did love her. 

Sadly, she lost her life due to an overdose. Very sad. 

Buddy has been clean throughout. Now is married again with a child. 

 

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A young woman who lived in my dorm in college had a boyfriend back home who said if she broke up with him he'd kill himself. She held firm and broke up with him. Sadly, he did follow through and killed himself. I'll never forget her face. Poor thing was terribly traumatized and guilt ridden. I hope she turned out OK.

The ones who really scare me are those who threaten to kill their partner if they leave them. My best friend dated a guy who later on (after my friend stopped dating him, obviously) killed his ex and then himself. Really frightening stuff.

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8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

The ones who really scare me are those who threaten to kill their partner if they leave them. My best friend dated a guy who later on (after my friend stopped dating him, obviously) killed his ex and then himself. Really frightening stuff.

Yikes. You just reminded me of something that happened when I was in my very early 20s, working over the summer for my college break. I came in one day and learned that one of the employees had killed his wife, infant child, and then himself.

I didn't know the guy at all; I was still just a kid. But I knew exactly who he was. I'd seen him around the building. He was tall and skinny, kind of goofy. Seemed very nice, mild mannered. He struck me as happy, not full of rage. Guess my impression of him was really wrong.

It's scary when you see someone actively abusing another person. I was a night receptionist for about a year in one of the dorms at college. One night, a guy was really browbeating his girlfriend in the lobby. She just kept apologizing and he just kept lambasting her. Finally, I said, "Hey!" and interrupted him. The level of rage he directed at me was really surprising. I realized that he wasn't rational at all, and that he might hurt me. I didn't like backing down, but I chose my own safety. Eventually, they left without incident.

Another time, my friend and I saw a man flipping out at his wife and two toddler daughters in the middle of IKEA. He started screaming at the top of his lungs at them. Completely out of control and irrational. The whole room came to a halt and everyone watched in stunned silence as the two little girls crumbled to the ground hysterically crying while the man was screaming in their faces, and in the face of his wife, who was trying to help them. A nearby woman tried to intervene and the man whirled on her like a rabid dog. She took a step back and he continued the verbal assault on his family. 

I'll never forget the man who put a stop to it. He lumbered into the room slowly, a large, overweight man wheeling a stroller with twins. He said, "That's enough!" And that was it. The lunatic father took one look at this big guy and the rage disappeared like someone flipped a switch. He gathered his traumatized family around him and they scurried out of the room against traffic*, probably trying to exit the store. I started following them to the parking lot to get the madman's license plate. I felt sure he was going to kill his whole family. But my friend eventually talked some sense into me and I gave up on that.

I've never had an issue with someone threatening suicide if I left. I don't think I would tolerate it--meaning, I would leave anyway. Yes, I'd be sad if they killed themselves, but staying would be succumbing to fear, and I don't think I'm wired to do that. I would find some way out of that relationship.

_____________________
* If you know IKEA, you probably know that the flow goes one way. Going the opposite direction is weirdly hard.

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On 11/1/2021 at 12:47 AM, boltnrun said:

Sadly, he did follow through and killed himself. 

Apparently the guy had some very serious issues, he was waiting for a trigger to commit suicide, it just happened to be her. 

I didn't have mentally unhealthy people on my mind when I posted. Yes probably my answer wouldn't be the most appropriate since they would have indeed followed through. I wouldn't feel guilty at all though, I believe in freedom and responsibility, if someone wants to kill himself it's not my business. Who am I to play the sentinel? 

On 11/1/2021 at 12:47 AM, boltnrun said:

The ones who really scare me are those who threaten to kill their partner if they leave them. My best friend dated a guy who later on (after my friend stopped dating him, obviously) killed his ex and then himself. Really frightening stuff.

That's a whole different story. Everyone has the right to do whatever he wants with himself. But nobody has the right to kill somebody else. It's totally selfish and irresponsible. I really hate irresponsible people. 

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I like the fact that there is a shortage of data engineers. If Aussies post adds on LinkedIn they must be pretty desperate (which is awesome). I like having options. 

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I see "Help Wanted" signs everywhere. And some large companies are even coming on the morning news basically begging people to apply.

If anything good could come out of this awful pandemic it's decent wages for service, restaurant and retail workers. They've been getting paid peanuts forever.

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I am turning 30 on the 4th of December. After getting the certificate I have more time, my restless nature is kicking in again, I need to travel. I have to do something different this time since it's kind of a symbolic age. I am returning back to the UK in a week or two. Then I will roll the dice and pick a random destination between the ones I want to go and take the first plane. I have only 5 days off left so unfortunately it will be a short adventure but better than nothing. 

I asked my manager if we are returning to the office and whether it's mandatory. He does not know yet but there is a great possibility we will have the opportunity to work remotely forever. Once I verify this, I am out of Newbury, I will travel around the EU (or the world) and then I will move to a seaside town in the UK (possibly Brighton or Plymouth - I have to visit both places to decide). 

As Zuckerberg said: "metaverse". Remote work is the future. Embrace the future people. At least I am doing it. As I learned in life you need to adapt fast and use every situation to your advantage. Pointless and futile not to do it, it will happen regardless, it's the law of nature. 

I updated my LinkedIn profile after getting the certificate and recruiters have been reaching out with some very tempting offers (650 pounds per day) and all of them are remote jobs. Awesome!!

Things are changing extremely fast, way faster than expected. New technologies are being developed in a rapid pace, probably faster than ever before, we are living a new "industrial revolution". As always, there will be winners and losers, hopefully I will be one of  the winners but only future will tell. I have started working on an idea, I am just playing around at the moment, I want to travel a bit first and relax and then go full force. I got tired from studying for the certificate, I need to recharge a bit before I go all in again. Time is precious right now as technology is changing very fast, one year from now this idea will be obsolete. It's crazy. In tech even if you work 24/7 it's not enough, always learning and studying, it is tiresome and difficult but this is the game. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Wow, 30!! 

9 hours ago, dias said:

I updated my LinkedIn profile after getting the certificate and recruiters have been reaching out with some very tempting offers (650 pounds per day) and all of them are remote jobs. Awesome!!

Things are changing extremely fast, way faster than expected. New technologies are being developed in a rapid pace, probably faster than ever before, we are living a new "industrial revolution".

Good for you, Dias! Very exciting!

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1 Pfizer jab in the UK before I left and 2 Moderna in Greece. I wasn't going to self-isolate again upon arrival to the UK and pay 3 PCR tests. No way. So I got the Moderna jabs as you can do them within 28 days and got the Covid passport. And I didn't want to get any jabs initially lol.

3 Covid jabs in the space of 1,5 months and I am still alive (so far) hahahahahaha. I am surprised.

You still need to take a PCR test before you enter some countries but outside of the EU and the UK. 

US opened the borders which is great but I only have one week off and it's not enough time. I need at least 2 weeks if I go so far. I could work remotely I guess but I wouldn't be able to handle the time difference for long. EU it is until next year. 

Hmm I have an appetite for luxury this period. Not necessarily something very expensive but something very decent. I am thinking about Monaco and Venice, dunno, it will be a spur of the moment decision. Let's get back to the UK first. 

 

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