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The guy I'm talking to is still looking for other girls...


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I am a female in her 20s. I met this guy through a dating app and we've been chatting online for about 5 months now. He is currently in another country for work but normally lives in the same area I'm in. He has expressed interest in meeting me when he gets back to my area in a few more months. He's mentioned wanting to meet me a few times now. We had moved from chatting on the dating app to texting a long time ago. I also stopped using the dating app since I started talking to him, as I'm pretty interested in meeting him and I'm not really looking into any other guys right now. But I just recently looked back at his dating profile randomly and noticed that he updated it and it indicates that he is clearly still looking to meet other girls. I know he has absolutely zero commitment to me and I've never even met him in person, but this still kinda annoyed me and made me want to stop talking with him. I just feel like he's gonna turn out to be a typical player. Do you think I should still give him a chance and go on a date with him when he's back? Or should I just drop him now?

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It sounds like you have made in your head what you two really have bigger than what it really is.  You have never met him in person i.e. in reality he is a stranger to you.  You two are just two strangers chatting online.  Exclusivity at this point makes no sense.  You should keep meeting other men.  Investing months talking exclusively to just one person online without being able to meet is not an efficient way to meet a partner.  It is your choice whether you do it or not but being annoyed at the other person doesn't sound reasonable imo.  If you want exclusivity, you can discuss it with him but how reasonable is it to ask this from a person you have never met in real life really?  What if, when you finally meet him months down the line, you find out that you are not attracted to him physically?  How does investing months of your life exclusively to someone you don't really know whether you are physically attracted to makes sense?  Imo, you should not attach extra meaning to his words.  He is just interested in meeting you when and if that becomes possible, to explore whether you two really click. That's it and nothing more. You two may end up not clicking, which is why, in the meantime, it makes sense for both of you to explore multiple options online.  Imo, you should keep meeting new men yourself instead of investing all your time on someone you can't meet in person at this point and not take it so personally, unless you two agreed on exclusivity.

Edited by Clio
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2 hours ago, StarKitten said:

I've never even met him in person, but this still kinda annoyed me and made me want to stop talking with him. I just feel like he's gonna turn out to be a typical player. 

Yes, stop talking to him. He sounds like a scammer, catfish married guy, etc. Cut your losses and date locally with real-life people you can meet in a timely fashion.

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I wouldn't chat with someone for months on end, nor would I exclude myself from dating apps for that reason. 

He isn't placing himself on hold for you. He likes talking to you in the meantime but is keeping his options open. You would be wise to do the same. 

 

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6 hours ago, StarKitten said:

I am a female in her 20s. I met this guy through a dating app and we've been chatting online for about 5 months now. He is currently in another country for work but normally lives in the same area I'm in. He has expressed interest in meeting me when he gets back to my area in a few more months. He's mentioned wanting to meet me a few times now. We had moved from chatting on the dating app to texting a long time ago. I also stopped using the dating app since I started talking to him, as I'm pretty interested in meeting him and I'm not really looking into any other guys right now. But I just recently looked back at his dating profile randomly and noticed that he updated it and it indicates that he is clearly still looking to meet other girls. I know he has absolutely zero commitment to me and I've never even met him in person, but this still kinda annoyed me and made me want to stop talking with him. I just feel like he's gonna turn out to be a typical player. Do you think I should still give him a chance and go on a date with him when he's back? Or should I just drop him now?

I think the highlighted text gives you every reason to bow out. Tip: have set expectations, like he must live locally like within 45 mins away, asks for a date after a few messages and sets up dates and commits to them, doesn't suggest meeting at his place, insists on paying for dates but will graciously accept you paying, listens to you and asks questions about you (and remembers!), is reasonable with showing affection, doesn't focus on or repeats he's only looking for something serious, no love bombing, etc.

Chatting on line for 5 months is ridiculous. He travels which means he will be looking for company, hookups, and is not going to be available to you very much, etc.

Edited by smackie9
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I always kept my dating profile active and actively looked to date others until I was exclusively dating someone.  I met the person in person after a few emails and one or two phone calls -I didn't date online -I dated only in person and used online sites as one way to make a first contact with a potential match.  There was one guy who wanted me to stop dating/looking to date until we could meet in person (long distance so it would have been over a month) and I declined. Of course he should have an active dating profile - you're a stranger!  Why are you typing and talking to him for so long without meeting in person?

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7 hours ago, StarKitten said:

I just recently looked back at his dating profile randomly and noticed that he updated it and it indicates that he is clearly still looking to meet other girls. I know he has absolutely zero commitment to me and I've never even met him in person, but this still kinda annoyed me and made me want to stop talking with him.

IMO, you can't expect a guy who's so far away - and of which you have never even met yet, to just commit to you.

He has every right to scan the grounds - with curiosity... He's most  likely been on there forever & may always be.. you don't know...

You can still keep the option open to meet him when he returns, just don't get hopes up too high.. until you do meet.

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Girl stop it! You have a damn pen pal that's it! You are free to interact with online and in person any man you please. He is NOT your man. You are NOT his girlfriend. And make sure you don't fall for the okey doke and send him any gifts, money, or half naked pictures of you. Typical online scam artist persona of working in a foreign country. LIES! Just deal with him if you want to for the sheer entertainment value. But stop putting all this emotion into a pen pal. Makes no sense. 

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On 3/20/2021 at 2:54 AM, Jennifer said:

Hello,

Why don't you ask him directly about he is interested in you or not? Then you can think about going date or dropping him.

That would definitely give me an answer, but I'm just apprehensive about being too direct or coming across too needy.

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On 3/20/2021 at 3:25 AM, Clio said:

It sounds like you have made in your head what you two really have bigger than what it really is.  You have never met him in person i.e. in reality he is a stranger to you.  You two are just two strangers chatting online.  Exclusivity at this point makes no sense.  You should keep meeting other men.  Investing months talking exclusively to just one person online without being able to meet is not an efficient way to meet a partner.  It is your choice whether you do it or not but being annoyed at the other person doesn't sound reasonable imo.  If you want exclusivity, you can discuss it with him but how reasonable is it to ask this from a person you have never met in real life really?  What if, when you finally meet him months down the line, you find out that you are not attracted to him physically?  How does investing months of your life exclusively to someone you don't really know whether you are physically attracted to makes sense?  Imo, you should not attach extra meaning to his words.  He is just interested in meeting you when and if that becomes possible, to explore whether you two really click. That's it and nothing more. You two may end up not clicking, which is why, in the meantime, it makes sense for both of you to explore multiple options online.  Imo, you should keep meeting new men yourself instead of investing all your time on someone you can't meet in person at this point and not take it so personally, unless you two agreed on exclusivity.

Right, I completely agree and I definitely never expected exclusivity in any way. We were really just chatting and getting to know each other virtually since dating during COVID is a big struggle. I also was still using the dating app for a while to talk to other guys but the problem is that 99% of other guys on dating apps stop replying after like 2 words. This guy is the only one who has continued to talk with me and actually expressed interest in meeting me as soon as he can, that's why I'm really only talking to him right now. I pretty much just gave up on other guys from dating apps since 99% of the other guys I've matched with just don't reply.

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On 3/20/2021 at 4:44 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, stop talking to him. He sounds like a scammer, catfish married guy, etc. Cut your losses and date locally with real-life people you can meet in a timely fashion.

True, you never know what secrets someone could be hiding... I just wish it wasn't so difficult to meet people in the middle of a pandemic haha.

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On 3/20/2021 at 5:29 AM, MissCanuck said:

I wouldn't chat with someone for months on end, nor would I exclude myself from dating apps for that reason. 

He isn't placing himself on hold for you. He likes talking to you in the meantime but is keeping his options open. You would be wise to do the same. 

 

I completely agree. I would be doing the same too, but 99% of the guys I've matched with on dating apps don't reply past two words, so it's pretty tough to find someone who's actually interested enough to meet in person.

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On 3/20/2021 at 8:45 AM, smackie9 said:

I think the highlighted text gives you every reason to bow out. Tip: have set expectations, like he must live locally like within 45 mins away, asks for a date after a few messages and sets up dates and commits to them, doesn't suggest meeting at his place, insists on paying for dates but will graciously accept you paying, listens to you and asks questions about you (and remembers!), is reasonable with showing affection, doesn't focus on or repeats he's only looking for something serious, no love bombing, etc.

Chatting on line for 5 months is ridiculous. He travels which means he will be looking for company, hookups, and is not going to be available to you very much, etc.

All very good advice and good criteria to have. For me, the problem is that 99% of guys on these dating apps don't ever reply to me or they chat with me for a few messages and then disappear. Online dating has just not been working for me and I can't really meet anyone the natural way due to COVID. That's the only reason I've given this one guy any consideration, because he's the only one who actually seems interested.

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On 3/20/2021 at 9:51 AM, Batya33 said:

I always kept my dating profile active and actively looked to date others until I was exclusively dating someone.  I met the person in person after a few emails and one or two phone calls -I didn't date online -I dated only in person and used online sites as one way to make a first contact with a potential match.  There was one guy who wanted me to stop dating/looking to date until we could meet in person (long distance so it would have been over a month) and I declined. Of course he should have an active dating profile - you're a stranger!  Why are you typing and talking to him for so long without meeting in person?

For background, we matched when he was in my area but shortly after we matched, he had to travel for a long period of time for work. But he will be back to my area permanently in 2 more months. I initially kept using the dating app, even after matching with him, and found that 99% of the guys I matched with never replied to me. So I kinda just gave up on it after a while. This guy is the only one who actually expressed interest in meeting me, but he can't until he's back in my area.

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On 3/20/2021 at 9:56 AM, SooSad33 said:

IMO, you can't expect a guy who's so far away - and of which you have never even met yet, to just commit to you.

He has every right to scan the grounds - with curiosity... He's most  likely been on there forever & may always be.. you don't know...

You can still keep the option open to meet him when he returns, just don't get hopes up too high.. until you do meet.

True, I definitely don't expect any kind of commitment. I think it would be fair to still give him a chance when he's back in my area. But yeah I definitely won't have my expectations too high.

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On 3/20/2021 at 3:34 PM, Blue68 said:

You haven't met yet.  Now is not the time to be putting all your eggs in one basket.  He isn't.  Neither should you.

 

Right, I definitely don't expect anything from him. I just wasn't sure whether or not it was worth giving a chance and meeting with him when he gets back. I think it might be fine to just meet with him one time, but I won't go into it with any expectations.

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3 minutes ago, StarKitten said:

For background, we matched when he was in my area but shortly after we matched, he had to travel for a long period of time for work. But he will be back to my area permanently in 2 more months. I initially kept using the dating app, even after matching with him, and found that 99% of the guys I matched with never replied to me. So I kinda just gave up on it after a while. This guy is the only one who actually expressed interest in meeting me, but he can't until he's back in my area.

OK so I would not chat with him until and unless he is ready to make a plan to meet in person  and chat in person.

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I don't think you will know what kind of match he is until you both meet in person and you get a better idea of who he is as a person. The most you can do right now is get a feel of what you're both looking for in a partner. Be mindful that people lie all the time about what they're looking for. 

As far as him updating his profile on the dating app, you haven't met and don't share anything past a few words exchanged online. Try not to read so much into this. 

Keep us updated on the meet up. Hope it goes well.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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2 minutes ago, StarKitten said:

Right, I definitely don't expect anything from him. I just wasn't sure whether or not it was worth giving a chance and meeting with him when he gets back. I think it might be fine to just meet with him one time, but I won't go into it with any expectations.

You should never have expectations about a first meet other than "I am going to have a pleasant conversation with this person".  If you two click perhaps there will be a first date in the future.

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3 hours ago, Debsterism said:

Girl stop it! You have a damn pen pal that's it! You are free to interact with online and in person any man you please. He is NOT your man. You are NOT his girlfriend. And make sure you don't fall for the okey doke and send him any gifts, money, or half naked pictures of you. Typical online scam artist persona of working in a foreign country. LIES! Just deal with him if you want to for the sheer entertainment value. But stop putting all this emotion into a pen pal. Makes no sense. 

Just to clarify, I definitely did not ever expect any kind of commitment or loyalty from him, seeing as we're just chatting and getting to know each other and that's it. The only reason I've only been chatting with one guy is because 99% of the guys I've matched with on dating apps just stop replying to me after 2 words. And this guy is the only one who's continued talking to me and expressing interest in meeting me. So I kinda just gave up on other guys on dating apps. Online dating is really new to me and a big struggle since I became single right before the pandemic. I definitely don't have any expectations for this guy, but figure I can just try going on one date with him when he's back. 

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11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK so I would not chat with him until and unless he is ready to make a plan to meet in person  and chat in person.

 

12 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I don't think you will know what kind of match he is until you both meet in person and you get a better idea of who he is as a person. The most you can do right now is get a feel of what you're both looking for in a partner. Be mindful that people lie all the time about what they're looking for. 

As far as him updating his profile on the dating app, you haven't met and don't share anything past a few words exchanged online. Try not to read so much into this. 

Keep us updated on the meet up. Hope it goes well.

I completely agree; I think it might be fair to give him a chance when he's back and go on one date with him, just to see how we click. Thank you for the advice and I will definitely update the thread if we meet up.

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On 3/23/2021 at 11:09 PM, StarKitten said:

Right, I definitely don't expect anything from him. I just wasn't sure whether or not it was worth giving a chance and meeting with him when he gets back. I think it might be fine to just meet with him one time, but I won't go into it with any expectations.

Absolutely.  He hasn't given you any reason NOT to meet him.  Meet him, see where it goes.  

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I’ve been there. I was talking to a guy where there was only a 2.5 hour distance gap so we were waiting on officially dating till after I moved closer, which was gonna be happening eventually. We were not bf gf but oh boy did we feel close. During the pandemic we had weekly quarantine phone dates- and he would plan activities for them! We did the 36 Questions that Lead to Love! We made playlists together. We cried together about our life. He’d get jealous if he thought there was a hint of a guy in a photo of mine. We had an attachment to each other. He’d call me his quarantine gf but also, we knew we were single. Yet...one day I saw he was on a dating site again and ouchhhh that stung. 
 

So I get where you are coming from. However, keep in mind you never had a talk it sounds like about whether either of you should be just focusing on each other. 
 

But I wouldn’t worry. I think if you flip it backwards, since he’s talking to you that means he’s also not that serious about these girls on the sites, too. He’s probably just lonely and using the sites for fun and to fill his time. He’s not ready to settle down and won’t be popping up with a girlfriend and dropping out of your life any time soon.
 

I would just stay the course. If it seems like you’re getting very close to seeing each other and the feelings are still there you can say something like “okay so I’ve been having a great time with you these past x amount of months. We’re finally about to meet! I’d like to focus on just you and not be on dating sites so we can see what this connection can hold. What do you think?” Or, you can be really chill and just say that after actually meeting. 
 

In the meantime though, try to force yourself to talk to more people online  It’s soo annoying that females biologically start to attach way earlier than men. Ugh! 

 
 

 

Edited by whiteroses3230
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