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I’m seeing two boys at once and I have no idea what I’m doing!


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So I’m seeing two boys. 

They both know of each other. 

After just turning 22, I realised I want to get out there and meet lots of new people. After a year of Qurantine and the year before being stuck in an extremely toxic relationship, fun is what I need. 

The first boy I met through my house mate. I told him straight away for the foreseeable future, I can’t find room in my life for anything serious. He vehemently agreed that he was in the same place, in fact encouraging we see other people. 

 

The second boy was an old friend from years ago that I always had a big crush on. He randomly reached out. I told him after he asked to see me that I was seeing someone else casually and he said that was fine he just wanted to see me as a friend. 

 

Things got a bit complicated after this second boy gave me a quick kiss after our great catch up.

 

I need advice on where to go from here.

I’ve been seeing both of them for about a 2ish months. Again they both know about each other and where I am with them. 

 

The first boy and I have had sex and have been quite intimate. He recently just confessed that he has fallen for me, and is feeling that this might be becoming “unrequited” (he is a really good person but also the sensitive artist type). It was very confusing for me as even tho I like him I can see some incompatibilities that aren’t just the fact that I’m completely not ready for anything serious. 

 

The second boy I really like and he has been as causal as I need. We haven’t had sex yet because he hasn’t made any direct moves on me in terms of sex or bought up anything about relationships. In fact he doesn’t really talk about how he is feeling at all! Except for casually saying things like “when I’m with you I’m so happy” referring to me as “the girl he likes”. 

 

The last time I saw him, we went back to his place where we had so much fun watching videos and giggling and laughing for hours. Nothing physical except flirty touching and cuddling. It got quite late so I told him I should leave. He got kinda awkward and kinda seemed like he backed off. Each time I stop us when we get physical he seems to get quite awkward. He kissed me before I left and said he had lots of fun. 

I messaged him later saying, I appreciate you never trying to make a move and respecting I want to take this slow and casually. He replied back saying “anything you want! You can set the pace for this” I sent him a joke in reply and he just liked my message and he has not replied since! It’s been quite a few days since he has messaged me. 

 

I feel the way I described the second guy makes him seem extremely shy but his exterior is not like that. Which confuses me. He is has a big, beautiful personality. So I can’t tell if he is shy around me or just annoyed with the boundaries I’ve set.

 

I want to stay true to what I’ve said to both of them and not change how I act or what I want because I might have flutters of feelings for them. 

 

Should I follow up with the second guy even though he has clearly left me on seen and run the risk of seeming a bit desperate for his attention?

Should I end things with the first even though he is so lovely yet perhaps a little incompatible? He wants to discuss how we could keep seeing each other but after changing things around for what he needs? 

 

If any of you can see, my attempt of keep things causal have not worked at all (this is my first casual experience too!!)

Edited by Totesgoats
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12 minutes ago, Ruthra said:

I told him after he asked to see me that I was seeing someone else casually and he said that was fine he just wanted to see me as a friend. 

This is what you two discussed and he said... to see you as a 'friend'.

 

15 minutes ago, Ruthra said:

The last time I saw him, we went back to his place where we had so much fun watching videos and giggling and laughing for hours. Nothing physical except flirty touching and cuddling. It got quite late so I told him I should leave. He got kinda awkward and kinda seemed like he backed off. Each time I stop us when we get physical he seems to get quite awkward.

Not sure what you actually want with this 'friend' of yours?

Maybe he finds YOU are acting put-off.  Like you, yourself are uncertain.

He knows about the other guy - of which you find a little incompatible with... SO...

I suggest you do not go further with the first guy.  You've been intimate with him and now he says he's got feelings 😕 .  Is best NOT to lead him on anymore, and just back off totally to let all calm down  between you two.. to be where there are NO expectations. ( up to him if he wants to be just 'friends' ).

As for this other guy (friend), I suggest you continue as is.. friends and hanging out with each other... Make sure you are totally done with this other guy- give it a little time before you agree to go any further with your friend.. Just so you can sort out your feelings and see if you really do like him that way ( and if he likes you the same).., before you'd consider going any further than your 'friendship'.

Just remember... often, once we cross the lines of friendship, can be hard to 'go backwards' again to 'just friends', as it is awkward.

- things to consider.

 

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The first guy has feelings for you so no, it's not a good idea to have casual sex with him any longer. Whenever someone tells you something like that respect it and don't use that person for sex especially if you're not ready for anything serious. Know your boundaries and what you won't do, out of respect for others and what they feel. Cool off if you need to and stop seeing each other. It will give you both more time to think.

Go ahead and date the second one casually. You owe each other nothing. Practice safe sex please and take care of yourself. Have fun.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

The first guy has feelings for you so no, it's not a good idea to have casual sex with him any longer. Whenever someone tells you something like that respect it and don't use that person for sex especially if you're not ready for anything serious. Know your boundaries and what you won't do, out of respect for others and what they feel. Cool off if you need to and stop seeing each other. It will give you both more time to think.

Go ahead and date the second one casually. You owe each other nothing. Practice safe sex please and take care of yourself. Have fun.

Thankyou for replying! 
Yes you’re so right! I feel so stupid not being able to sort through these emotions. I’m normally quite good at ending things when needed but in this case, they are both so lovely. Can’t help but feel fomo even though I know so clearly what I want. 
The second guy, I can feel feelings of wanting to spend more time with him, so ive just been so torn on how to reach out again, casually, after a couple days of messaging.

too many emotions ahhh!!

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

This is what you two discussed and he said... to see you as a 'friend'.

 

Not sure what you actually want with this 'friend' of yours?

Maybe he finds YOU are acting put-off.  Like you, yourself are uncertain.

He knows about the other guy - of which you find a little incompatible with... SO...

I suggest you do not go further with the first guy.  You've been intimate with him and now he says he's got feelings 😕 .  Is best NOT to lead him on anymore, and just back off totally to let all calm down  between you two.. to be where there are NO expectations. ( up to him if he wants to be just 'friends' ).

As for this other guy (friend), I suggest you continue as is.. friends and hanging out with each other... Make sure you are totally done with this other guy- give it a little time before you agree to go any further with your friend.. Just so you can sort out your feelings and see if you really do like him that way ( and if he likes you the same).., before you'd consider going any further than your 'friendship'.

Just remember... often, once we cross the lines of friendship, can be hard to 'go backwards' again to 'just friends', as it is awkward.

- things to consider.

 

Yes we did! After I saw him a couple more times he did let it slip how he was glad I had reaffirmed we should just be friends as he was thinking about going into this with other intentions in mind (even though he still stole a kiss!)

You’re quite wise! Thankyou for your advice!! It actually really helped. I can see how he’d find how I’m acting off putting. I’m definitely acting a little off to how I normally would, trying to balance the boundaries and the feelings. 

i care about the first guy a lot but it’s moving way to fast and I just can’t see it working out right now. We have great communication so I can’t see me asking for space would go awry. 

I just have no idea how to reach out to the second guy, casually, after he has left me on seen for so long!

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4 minutes ago, Totesgoats said:

i care about the first guy a lot but it’s moving way to fast and I just can’t see it working out right now. We have great communication so I can’t see me asking for space would go awry. 

I just have no idea how to reach out to the second guy, casually, after he has left me on seen for so long!

Then do be honest with him & yourself in this... what you do NOT need is being caught up in something with BOTH.  That will not turn out well 😞 ... So, do figure yourself out, soon.

Speak up with first guy - that things just will not be moving forward?  You need to do this, in order to NOT lead him on, assuming you guys have something good.. when it's not ( dont get his hopes up, if it's not going to advance, tell him).

Second guy, its been a few days?  Maybe reach out again soon and see if he wants to hang out again - if/when he is available .

But, I suggest you do not string first guy along, even if things don't progress with second guy - since you already feel things aren't going so well.

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The second guy told you straight out that you are in the drivers seat so drive!  If you want to see him again then tell him.  "Hey ______, I really had a great time hanging out with you.  When do you want to do it again?"  Then see what he says.  I am thinking he was playing it cool hoping you would decide you wanted more than just a casual thing.  Regrets suck so reach out to him.  It will not seem desperate or weak, it will seem like a young woman that knows what she wants and isn't afraid of speaking up.

 You have zero risk anyways no matter what happens.

The first guy is kind of the opposite isn't he?  He play the fast card thinking he would wrap you up and you wouldn't notice you were in a relationship until it was to late.

  Maybe you should start a thread asking how dating casually should be done.  You know some rules so you do not get pulled in to far.  Of course you want to have fun but there are people with feelings out there that might get hurt no matter how cool they say they are with just casual.

  Lost

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OK guy one, He has gone past the boundary of the original arrangement so kick him to the side and make some distance between you two. When they catch feelings, it will get complicated and you don't need that.

Guy two, he wants to be more than friends, but he is very willing to go with whatever pace you set.

I have a sense you are quite excited about guy two. I would just see where it takes you. If you question your feelings about progressing things with him, just stop seeing him, and go meet other men. You have complete control over this, you don't need to worry about anything. You are calling the shots.

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I've been in this situation before and I totally get the FOMO. I see the appeal of wanting to keep your options open, to give you time to make up your mind. The problem here is that you can't control how other people feel about your behaviour. The first guy developed feelings, so in order to respect him you either got to let him go or be ready to commit to him. Since you don't seem ready to commit I suggest letting him go. It's the right thing to do.

As for the second guy, I think you really confuse him. And I think you're confused yourself. What would you ideally want with him? You say you don't want a relationship with the first guy, but do you want a relationship with guy #2? I think you should give this some thought. If the answer is yes, at this point he might need a few signals from you to indicate to him that the situation has changed, that how you feel about the "friendship" has changed. 

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