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Hello all! I had a pretty tough breakup (I wrote a different post about it) and a big part of my healing is trying to understand what went wrong. Through my research into different attachment styles I've recognized that my ex was an avoidant to a tee.

Does anyone else have stories/advice on their past with an avoidant or them exiting the relationship very suddenly? It would really help me to feel as if I'm not alone in this experience. If someone is an avoidant it'd be nice to know kind of what goes on in your head as well. 

My reasoning is now that the dust has settled in the breakup I'm starting to get a bit of a gut feeling he might be trying to come back at some point now that there isn't a pressure for commitment/intimacy between us. I'm still distraught by the situation but want to be emotionally strong enough to say no if/when that ever does happen.

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Can I ask why you would even consider reconnecting with someone who is "avoidant?_   Why do you want to go down that same road?  Doesn't sound wise or healthy.   

If you block and delete, it won't happen.  

Edited by Hollyj
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This goes beyond avoidant, this guy has a lot of mental health issues.  I believe that everyone advised you to move on in your other thread.  This was also a LDR.

Edited by Hollyj
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I would avoid any psychologies and diagnoses. It's not appropriate although I understand you're just seeking to understand better a very confusing and painful break up. 

All you need to know is that he didn't pull through and he didn't know how to be with you when it mattered and that is enough. It should be enough. Know your worth. You are worth more than someone weaving in and out of your life as and when he likes.

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I'm an avoidant and with few exceptions I've been the dumper over decades worth of relationships. Most of my relationships have been with the clingy needy anxious attachment style, they always want more, and I tend to pull away when they push towards me.

Even if things are going well I start to feel suffocated and find things wrong with the person and look for reasons to end it even if things are going relatively well and often times it was a particular action on their part that pushed me over the edge and it typically wasn't even anything major. I'd say I'm done and they were usually stunned.

My relationships have ranged from a few weeks to a few months to a half a dozen longer than 6 months, with the recent demise of a 9 year relationship, and I was also married for 18 years.

 

 

 

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As you said in your last thread:

'I know nothing I've said is revolutionary for a break-up and he doesn't need any reason to not want to be with me. The abruptness is just tough to swallow. The external world collapsing is tough to swallow. And i guess the hardest part is knowing I wouldn't do this to my enemy, so having someone I trust completely do this is difficult.'

- This was not abrupt, it was off/ on. He pulled away then you got kinda back together again- short term.

- He has issue's with or w/out you, you know this.

- Is a little harsh in your words, saying you wouldn't do this to your enemy.  Wrong way to look at this.  People BU all the time, even if they had some feelings.

Now, YOU need to work on accepting what is.  And stop all the turmoil going on in your head.  It takes time to work through it all and just 'accept', things did not work out.. I know it hurts 😞 

But, nothing more you  can do.. but work on leaving him alone to focus on yourself now.

Acceptance & healing can take time.. but to chase, follow & contact will not help in this.

 

 

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If there is any potential for them to be interested in coming back you have to present yourself as not needing them, missing them, and you are happily independent. When you can show them you are doing well without them, looking great, have new friends, and hobbies, you make yourself look desirable. If it doesn't happen at least you self improved, happy and ready to move on as a better person.

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I know you mean well. But focus on making yourself feel better and healing. Put yourself first rather than trying to figure out his personality and mindset.

You come first, you had a relationship that hurt and upset you now - you need to look after yourself. Then you won't have this I need to be prepared or be ready mindset when he comes back.

Sometimes we deflect our thoughts and emotions on 'why didn't it work? I feel sorry for them. What were they thinking? Why are they the way they are?' rather then 'I'm not going to let this happen again to me, I deserve more, Gosh I feel so relieved and free. I wish him all the best but were not compatible.' Sometimes people just aren't compatible we can psycho analyse everyone unless it's been diagnosed by a professional but ultimately relationships are built on reactions and how you react with each other.  But the more you go down the 'analyse' path it'll become a habit constantly thinking about it making you feel 'relieved' for a short period of time that you can label his behaviour but you will  prolong your heartbreak.

It didn't work out. Dont take this deeper other wise you will torment yourself. Focus on what you want and be prepared and ready when you come face to face with it in the future because everyone deserves it.

 

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This doesn't seem like healing to me.  Rather it sounds as though you are still trying to work out what is going on in your ex's head and whether or not he will come back to you.  

If you want to be emotionally strong enough to say "no" if he were to come back then you need to work on yourself, not on trying to understand your ex.... because that is keeping him very much in your thoughts.

I think the reality is you want to hear people say "yes, he'll be back so be ready", not because you want to be ready but because you just want him to come back.

I don't mean to be harsh. I just think you need to be true to yourself.

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On 3/30/2021 at 4:13 AM, Blue68 said:

This doesn't seem like healing to me.  Rather it sounds as though you are still trying to work out what is going on in your ex's head and whether or not he will come back to you.  

If you want to be emotionally strong enough to say "no" if he were to come back then you need to work on yourself, not on trying to understand your ex.... because that is keeping him very much in your thoughts.

I think the reality is you want to hear people say "yes, he'll be back so be ready", not because you want to be ready but because you just want him to come back.

I don't mean to be harsh. I just think you need to be true to yourself.

Honestly after reading this, I think your right. I hope we would be able to reconcile in the future so it's a tough pill to swallow he might just be "done"

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19 hours ago, KiwiFriends404 said:

I hope we would be able to reconcile in the future so it's a tough pill to swallow he might just be "done"

Hanging onto hope is something we all do.  It is a coping mechanism.  It is something that fades as you start to heal.  Right now you need to put your emotional energies into YOU, not on focusing on what might or might not be going on in your ex's head and whether or not he might come back.  No-one really knows what is going on in HIS and there is no point in hanging around for something that may never happen.  The thing is, moving on with your life won't stop him from coming back if it is meant to be but at least you won't be stuck in the same emotional place should he really be done.  It's a win-win situation.

Good luck.  You got this!!

Edited by Blue68
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21 hours ago, KiwiFriends404 said:

Honestly after reading this, I think your right. I hope we would be able to reconcile in the future so it's a tough pill to swallow he might just be "done"

But playing at psychobabble stuff is going to make it worse -you're looking for "professional" reasons this didn't work-telling yourself there must be more to it.  That just drags you back down and you can't move forward.  Go with the most simple explanation.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain whether they have a style or have style.  He decided to end things because he wasn't getting enough pleasure from the relationship and therefore moved out of the relationship.  When you distill it to the basics you don't let yourself ruminate and speculate and analyze.  Waste of time.

  I married my ex fiancee from the past, 11 years and 6 weeks or so after we broke up.  One reason we were able to reconcile many years later is because we both moved on relatively quickly -meaning with our lives (I did start dating right away but I don't think he did - and I don't know either way because I moved on and never asked him when he started dating again). 

There was one ex I was fairly obsessed about in my early 20s.  We did get back together - and when he finally proposed I realized I would feel lonely if I married him.  I didn't know why other than he was emotionally distant.  I didn't try to analyze why I just knew I'd made a mistake getting back together despite being over the moon about him. 

Well I got my answer almost 10 years later.  We met for coffee in San Francisco where I was visiting a friend.  That's where he told me he came out as gay a year or so after we broke up.  That's why he was emotionally distant because he was fighting his sexual orientation back then.  (We each married our men in the same year!).

No I am not saying your ex is gay -this is just an example - what I am saying is I could have wasted time trying to analyze "why" - I could have tried to talk to him about "why" (even though I was the one who ultimately ended things) -and what a waste because he wouldn't have even really known or been ready to share the truth with me.  

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Well, I've been told I have an avoidant attachment style, and I'm inclined to agree. I'm aloof, don't show my feelings much, keep a lot of things to myself, need my space, was always the dumper in relationships, etc. I am currently not in a relationship, not trying to date, etc. I am not sure what awaits me in the future but I'm starting to think it's not in the cards for me as I'm going on 2+ years of being single, no dates, etc. 

But you know, going into this really doesn't help you. Who cares what "attachment style" he has? He is not right for you overall. You may really like him, or even love him, but he's not going to make you happy with how he is in relationships and you're not going to make him happy. He will be left feeling suffocated and you'll be left feeling disconnected/neglected. No amount of psycho-analysis or whatnot is going to change that outcome so getting back together is rather pointless.

From an avoidant attachment-style person: block him and if he manages to circumvent the block, say no. He will not change, this is who he is. 

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