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JEALOUS of my abuser???


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My ex partner sexually assaulted me and emotionally abused me throughout our entire relationship. After we broke up the PTSD almost killed me and I literally had to take it day by day and I'm still not the same, even with professional help. He knew I wouldn't report and that I didn't have any family or friends around me (estranged with family and zero friends in my city?

 

I just found out through a mutual friend that he got a girl pregnant. I always wanted to be a mother and I find myself jealous? I don't want to be with him...he hurt me.

 

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Posted (edited)

I just find it unfair? He gets to move on with his life and I'm struggling over things he did to me? It takes me hours to go to sleep at night. I sleep on my floor because sleeping on my bed (where it happened) is too much for me. I have constant flashbacks and nightmares.

I consider children a good thing. I just don't understand how something good could happen to him? I feel like he took something from me and moved on and now I'm stuck with the fallout??

Edited by rchubn
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Tell this so called "friend" to stop running to you with gossip about your ex. Some friend!

And I presume you aren't pumping his friends for information about him, correct?

You aren't "jealous". You are just wistful because you want a family of your own.  Just because he's going to be a father doesn't mean you'll never be a mother.

Work with your therapist to find a way to detach yourself from this abusive ex so you can move forward and have a fulfilling life. And don't dismiss the PTSD. This is real and needs to be worked through with expert help.

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Given your ex's abusive history, I can't see that getting pregnant and bringing a baby into this world with this man is an ideal situation.  He's not going to step up to the mark as a father.  Be thankful that you have the chance to make a better life for yourself than being stuck forever with this horrible man.

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I am so sorry for what you have been through.  I applaud you for getting away from and getting help.  

Just because he is having a child, it doesn't mean that you won't. Try not to compare the situations.  As @Seraphim said, pity the kid.  And the mother for that matter.  You don't want to be attached to that man for the rest of you like.

keep working on yourself.  You can get through this, heal and have a great life with a family of your own.  Especially, if that is what you want to do.

Why don't you move out of where you are living?  Get a new place and a new bed.  It would probably do wonders for your healing.  Leave the past place or start making happier memories in that space.  Start building your new life for you.  Maybe new linens or move the bed to another wall. 

And! I agree with @boltnrun Tell that friend to stop coming to you with gossip.  It's not helpful or of any value.  Eff that guy.

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Change the way you think.  Feel relieved that you have a chance to feel safe and live a good life WITHOUT HIM.  The last thing you should want is to be in an abusive, violent relationship and a mother of his child at the same time.  That was my mother.  Never repeat her mistake! 

Feel grateful that you can finally breath easier because you've since fled a scary, very dangerous relationship. 

 

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10 hours ago, rchubn said:

,even with professional help. 

I always wanted to be a mother and I find myself jealous? 

Excellent you are getting professional help.

You can have a better relationship in the future with a better man. With a decent man you could start a family at some point.

It doesn't seem like you are "jealous" . It seems as if you're lonely and keeping tabs on him, rather than moving forward.

Make sure you have deleted and blocked him from all your social media and messaging apps. 

You should feel grateful that you are not the one stuck being pregnant by this creep.

You're very lucky he's gone and you have the opportunity to  make a better life for yourself.

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It's normal to feel this way, and as others have mentioned, it's not as cut and dry as 'jealous'. This advice is so generic, but it's also very true: focus on you. If you are getting prof help, that's great - keep going, keep processing  and healing, and seek out ways to reprogramme the line of thinking that gets you to this painful feeling of injustice. It's not fair that you have to heal, and that what he has done has had such a huge impact on you, and that he now has what you wanted in life while you are still recovering.

I wonder though, if his situation is what HE wants. As others have said, pity that child, and the woman he impregnated. 

But put all your energy into you, and remove thoughts of him and his life from the equation, in whatever way works for your mind. Keep going. Good luck x 

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23 hours ago, rchubn said:

I just find it unfair? He gets to move on with his life and I'm struggling over things he did to me?

Sorry for the pains.. PTSD is rough 😞 ... ( I hope you'll consider some therapy?). Do you not have a couch instead of the floor?

As for him being happy?  Not so sure he really is..  For his behaviour & all he's done with you, who's to say he isn't doing the same with the new girl? ( or that he really wants a child now?)

I feel inside, he is miserable and will likely cause issue's for many he comes upon.

 

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I'm sorry about the PTSD and this horrible experience. Create better boundaries for yourself and be clear that you are not interested in hearing about your ex with your friends and family.

If you have mutual friends, this may mean distancing yourself for awhile. Do what it takes to move away from this person, not closer. That friend could have seen herself doing you a favour hearing about the news early rather than from someone else later on down the line but do create those boundaries. People around you are not going to know exactly what pushes your buttons and most people are very self-absorbed and love to talk about other people (you would be surprised how many actually do not have your best interests at heart or simply don't give it any thought due to busy lives, other health/family or miscellaneous issues in their own lives). Don't worry about offending mutual friends for being honest and clear about what you do not want to hear about or what is not welcome in your life. The ones who matter won't mind one bit and will care about you or your wishes. 

The child is a child anyway regardless of whether it's yours or not and completely oblivious to anything going on, still a precious life. Spend more time and energy on you, less on what others are doing. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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On 3/18/2021 at 6:00 PM, rchubn said:

I just don't understand how something good could happen to him? I feel like he took something from me and moved on and now I'm stuck with the fallout??

I think it's a completely logical response, to be honest. It goes against our sense of order and justice.

No, it's not fair. And yes, you should be upset. 

However, there is nothing that you can do to change the way that things are

What you have to do is find a way to accept the ugly truths and move on

You might start by redirecting your thoughts when they start settling on him. Focus on something else: a pencil on your desk. The clock on the wall. Just intercept the cycle before it starts.

Other things: Write on a forum like this. Try to talk to others who have had similar experiences, or read their stories. Read self help books, watch self help videos. Seek therapy. Get out and meet new people. Volunteer. Help people who have been through their own difficult situations.

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