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Should I be concerned about my boyfriend DMing other women on Instagram given his other actions in the past and some present?


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So here's the situation;
I and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now. This year is our 3rd.

Here's what transpired:
My boyfriend has a private Instagram account. So evidently sometime last year around the summer, he followed or she requested to follow him. I'm not certain who followed who
But I noticed that they had messaged each other.
I need to provide more context first my boyfriend has a past, He used to be promiscuous with women, some case would have multiple girlfriends simultaneously. He used so many dating apps and in fact he followed a bunch of them on social media and has them on a messaging app. ( some of them he had s*x with or intended to.) and collected images with them and of them nude, Explained to me his goal used to be to try have intercourse with as many women as he could.

 

He was transparent about a lot of his past but probably he may have not told me everything. He explains to me how natural he feels around me & how much he's changed and that he realized how immature & narcissistic he used to be. I want to believe him and he assures me who he is today isn't who he was back then and how grateful he was that he that wasn't the version of him I met.
So far, he has demonstrated that in some respects & We are a devoted and joyful relationship and live together, I know he isn't sleeping around anymore. however, the thing that makes it troubling is he still hasn't deleted any of these women on social media or any messaging apps including an old long-time ex who still attempts to communicate with him and is clearly still attached to him. She apparently made some judgmental remarks on me and does this with every girl he's dated after her. He claims she has moved on but her actions speak otherwise.  He ignores her now & If he has deleted any of these previous women it's a very small amount but I have yet to see that he has.  He insists it's because there's so many or that he's lazy.    

 

 

 

I admit that I have really bad social anxiety which does affect my relationships sometimes. Despite that, it's in no way comparable to when I was significantly younger. Looking at how much I've grown I'm confident concerning who I am and how much I have changed. I'm trying to remain calm and not always assume the worst.
Some of the roots I believe may about my past and the experiences I've had. So it's mostly for this reason that I am very hard to trust people. But I have begun to trust him after a certain point in our 1st year.

There is an issue, however, for a while, my boyfriend frequently requests me to change certain ways about my look. For instance, he would keep suggesting me to dye my hair red due to the fact that he's into gingers. I told him that the shade he wanted didn't go well with my skin tone and that I didn't like it. Or keep nagging me to lift weights. Also by no means am I not unhealthy or unattractive physically. I'm a really skinny 4-foot girl with C-cup breasts. I try to walk and move around and we eat plenty of veggies and fruits.  but nowadays, I've been busy studying lately and it's not been a priority or an interest to lift weights or have a strict workout routine but if I do it it'll be my choice in the future and I've told him this on a few occasions.

 

To be entirely honest, him annoying me about it is making me lose any possible motivation to try it. He insists it's for my health but I don't believe that's the full reasoning behind it. I see him make commentary about women who work out and lift weights. As an example, he will say that a girl has a nice ass, and then if I ask him about my ass he'll say it's cute. Sounds to me like he's saying it to avoid hurting my feelings. Therefore, I am inclined to think he doesn't see me as good enough when he does all that. Surely, if the change is for the better & I'll consider it but I also want to feel the personal motivation and have the time to do these sorts of things. Not just to satisfy someone else. I strive to be my best self but I also wish he could understand my perspective on why I don't desire either right now.

So this girl's account is private so I made an anonymous account, followed her, and I looked and saw he had liked 2 photos from her account. One is of her in a tight dress. Her ass is facing the camera and you can see her boobs which are huge.  The other is of her doing squats.  I don't want to be irrational but this did hurt me and I don't know how to process this. For some time now he hasn't been liking any women's photos but he then he liked hers all of a sudden.

I didn't wanna bring it up and make a big deal about it. So just to see what exactly was going on. I'll admit I looked at his DMs

She messaged him first. At approximately 8 at night
The messages went something along these lines;

Her: Hello
Him : Heyy how are you feeling? 
Her: very well and you?
Him: I feel good(says something about a book he's reading) she likes this message
Her: Oh that's cool
He then ask if she's in a certain branch and the military and she confirms that she is.
She then asks his profession and he tells her.
Her: Aww that's nice
Him : Yes  where do you live?
She tells him she lives in a city in our state about 2-3 hours from us.
Her: Where do you live?
Him: (Our city name) We're not that far 
She says that they aren't very far but tells him that she has been away from home awhile
Her: Though coming back to the states anytime soon.
Him : Oh where are you now?
She then tells him that's she's in some foreign country in the middle east.

Now he didn't say anything else after this.  I again noted that a lot of time had passed and nothing came of it. Though I didn't feel it appeared platonic based on the photos he had liked and how flirty he came across with the emojis and such.


On Instagram, we send each other cute animals, so one day we were cuddling in bed and when he opened his DMs I saw it again.
I asked who she was and his immediate response was that he ignored her.  But It's clear he didn't and was becoming really defensive. I asked him to look me in eyes & please tell me the truth but he couldn't keep a straight face every time I asked. He said he was grinning cause he thought it was ridiculous.  His reaction of course made me feel anxious and skeptical.

Afterward, I discovered he deleted the messages.

So my questions are
1. Why do you think he deleted them?

2. Do you believe I have any justification to feel suspicious about this situation?
They don't know each other and the probable hood of them meeting may not happen but I can't help but at least be uncomfortable with him following and messaging girls like this. Especially if he's going to be checking them out like that.


3. How do I resolve the situation?
I understand it may seem difficult to believe but I trust that he won't genuinely cheat on me. but girls hit on him all the time, So much that it began to truly get on my nerves after it occurred so frequently. They don't know me or anything. Though, He makes our relationship public and has photos of me and him everywhere. Most of them know we are together but don't comprehend nor care about boundaries.
Plus these remarks he makes about my appearance don't help much either. I don't want to feel like this.

I love him, He's a wonderful boyfriend. I don't imagine he isn't attracted to me but I want to discover a way to communicate that even though yes he is with me and I don't feel threatened, his comments and comparing me to other girls or repeatedly attempting to persuade me to do these things doesn't boost my self esteem nor my ability to believe he's fully satisfied with me.  This is all especially hard given some of his interactions with women. 
I attempted to reflect and examine if I'm a hypocrite and do this too. But I never compare him like this to other men, I always tell him how handsome he looks. I don't try to pressure him to change his appearance to satisfy me, I may make a suggestion here and there like a shirt or something I think he'd like. But I don't make a big deal or constantly bring it up like him.
I also receive messages sometimes that are flirty, I normally block them, ignore them or instruct them to get lost and that's the end of it.  I showed him I have removed these sorts of men from my past and present that may be problematic and I don't have any exes still around. So I don't comprehend why he does and doesn't any of this.

Any advice would be helpful, I think we may just need to communicate and I need to understand what he is thinking and feeling. How maybe it is from his perspective.

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First off, commenting on other women's  body parts   is extremely disrespectful and hurtful.

Has he been open with you regarding all of the correspondence with these women?   

You don't resolve these issues.  By him comparing you to other women is to make you feel less than.  That is cruel and emotionally abusive.  I think that you need to understand why you have continued to allow this slide.  

He is not a "wonderful"  bf!  He sounds like a jerk.

 

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It 's not the girls and boundaries, it is your bf's.  He allows it-and enjoys it-and you are in the relationship with him, not the girls.  He loves the attention, this will not change.

"Therefore, I am inclined to think he doesn't see me as good enough when he does all that." "I don't feel threatened, his comments and comparing me to other girls or repeatedly attempting to persuade me to do these things doesn't boost my self esteem nor my ability to believe he's fully satisfied with me."   Very contradictory.   You should be honest with yourself.

Past behavior is a clear indicator of the future.   This is who he is.  When you have to become a detective in your relationship, it is time for it to end.  What would you advise a gf if she were experiencing this?

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No not really, I had to find this out on my own. From time to time he'll show me an email from a female recruiter that may seem flirtatious but he doesn't respond. But I didn't know of any previous conversations.

Honestly speaking this girl on Instagram was the most recent. Like I said it was last year and the year before that which was our 1st year, in the first few months we dated he had flirted with other women. It didn't seem to go beyond that but still. Plus recently I found out he still had old photos like he described on his phone. When ever ask him to get rid of anything from his past he says he will or turns it into a thing where he's making it sound like I'm controlling.

The thing is, he won't directly compare me but when he makes comments on other women and so I felt inclined to ask him what he thinks of me.  I dont know am I crazy for feeling this? 

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2 minutes ago, Restorativbalence said:

I understand what you are saying and you good points. I'll think long hard about all of it. Truthfully I moved out of my abusive parents home and he helped me get out the situation. So I live with him now. I'm in college at the current moment so theres a lot to consider.

Sadly, I think you have moved into another unhealthy situation.  Making those comments about other women is very hurtful.   He knows what he is doing.   He is not a nice guy.  He is making you feel less than.  This is abusive.

How would you advise a friend?

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10 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

It 's not the girls and boundaries, it is your bf's.  He allows it-and enjoys it-and you are in the relationship with him, not the girls.  He loves the attention, this will not change.

"Therefore, I am inclined to think he doesn't see me as good enough when he does all that." "I don't feel threatened, his comments and comparing me to other girls or repeatedly attempting to persuade me to do these things doesn't boost my self esteem nor my ability to believe he's fully satisfied with me."   Very contradictory.   You should be honest with yourself.

Past behavior is a clear indicator of the future.   This is who he is.  When you have to become a detective in your relationship, it is time for it to end.  What would you advise a gf if she were experiencing this?

I guess what I mean to say is that I don't feel like he wants to be with anyone else but him checking out other women and then asking me to make changes like that hurts

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Just now, Restorativbalence said:

I guess what I mean to say is that I don't feel like he wants to be with anyone else but him checking out other women and then asking me to make changes like that hurts

What does it matter.  He is making you feel less than.  He is hurting you!

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If your boyfriend is liking photos of other women or having conversations with other women that he has to delete or hide from you, then you know something isn't right.  

He sounds controlling and disrespectful at the very least.  Commenting on other girl's body parts to the point where you have to ask if he likes parts of your body is just not on.  When you love someone, you just simply love them.  It doesn't matter on the shape of their arse or the colour of their hair ... and you certainly don't need to flirt with other women - whether that's liking pictures of their boobs or messaging them through apps designed to connect people.

So, in answer to your question, yes I would be concerned.  In fact, personally, it would be a deal breaker for me.  

 

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Welcome to ENA, and sorry to hear about this turmoil.  

I don't really think Instagram or DMs are the issue here, so much as just a symptom. The issue, at least from where I'm sitting, may simply be who your boyfriend is. 

The most concerning thing to my eyes, in your long post, is the way he nudges you to change your looks, to work out, along with making salacious comments about other women coupled with more shrugging comments about you. All that is just...well, it's not nice. Not kind.

And, most importantly, it has nothing to do with you, your hair color, your musculature. This is him, being who he would be in any relationship, at this juncture in his life. 

Here's a less loaded way to think about it all, to put the loaded stuff into perspective: 

Imagine that, when you met, he told you he used to be really sloppy, leaving dishes in the sink, letting dust pile up, hoarding junk. He'd done some growing, was better about all that, wanting to live a different way. Great. Then you date, get more serious, time passes, and what happens? You learn he can still be messy. Not a toxic hoarder, but dishes go unwashed, and so on, even when you make it clear that a clean sink is essential to your own sense of harmony.  

Now you have an important question to ask: Not "Can this change?" But: "Can I tolerate it?" Tolerating it is not the same as living with a certain degree of pain and edginess, but (in this case) being pretty calm and comfortable—and, most critically, emotionally safe—even when the dishes pile up. 

As your internet friend? I would strongly advise against tolerating this sort of thing. It just sounds like it's corroding your spirit, dimming your light, as it would anyone. He is aware of this, on some level, since you've made it clear to him actively and tacitly that it doesn't feel good. His inability to address his behavior in awareness to your (very human, very reasonable) needs is him showing you his very real limitations.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents, the abusive home. I have a fair amount of that in my own youth, and know what it is to learn to cope by normalizing unacceptable behavior. In your shoes right now and I'd give some real thought as to whether or not you may be doing that here with your boyfriend. 

 

 

 

 

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Got to be real here, just your first sentence is enough to say your bf is not bf material. I cba to read your whole story, some one cheats and is not trustworthy don’t bother end of.

got to move on and find some one who respects you and has eyes only for you!

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3 hours ago, Restorativbalence said:

There is an issue, however, for a while, my boyfriend frequently requests me to change certain ways about my look. For instance, he would keep suggesting me to dye my hair red due to the fact that he's into gingers. I told him that the shade he wanted didn't go well with my skin tone and that I didn't like it. Or keep nagging me to lift weights. Also by no means am I not unhealthy or unattractive physically. I'm a really skinny 4-foot girl with C-cup breasts. I try to walk and move around and we eat plenty of veggies and fruits.

No matter.. when you are involved with someone they should appreciate you for who you are!

To ask you to do such changes?  No.

If he wants someone with red hair & who lifts weights, then tell him to go join a health club and look for a frekin red head!

 

3 hours ago, Restorativbalence said:

So this girl's account is private so I made an anonymous account, followed her, and I looked and saw he had liked 2 photos from her account. One is of her in a tight dress. Her ass is facing the camera and you can see her boobs which are huge.  The other is of her doing squats

So, YOU are watching him.. making fake acct's and going into his DM's.. Yes, that is a problem.. Showing YOU have trust issue's.

Okay, none of this is GOOD... 😞 

You're heading for a lot of pains with this perv.

Instead, drop him and get away from it all!  One should not find they need to go this far.

No trust.. No success.

Leave him & work on feeling better about yourself and someday go find someone who is real and appreciates who you are.

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2 hours ago, Blue68 said:

If your boyfriend is liking photos of other women or having conversations with other women that he has to delete or hide from you, then you know something isn't right.  

He sounds controlling and disrespectful at the very least.  Commenting on other girl's body parts to the point where you have to ask if he likes parts of your body is just not on.  When you love someone, you just simply love them.  It doesn't matter on the shape of their arse or the colour of their hair ... and you certainly don't need to flirt with other women - whether that's liking pictures of their boobs or messaging them through apps designed to connect people.

So, in answer to your question, yes I would be concerned.  In fact, personally, it would be a deal breaker for me.  

 

I definitely agree and see where you all are coming from. Would you say the messages sound flirty or just casual?

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21 minutes ago, Restorativbalence said:

I definitely agree and see where you all are coming from. Would you say the messages sound flirty or just casual?

Wow!   I think it is incredible that you ask about the messages, when everyone has stated that he  treats you terribly and that you should leave him.  Isn't it important for you that  he disrespects and hurts you? 

He is flirting and hiding his messages with other women. 

You really need to address your lack of self worth.

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1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

Wow!   I think it is incredible that you ask about the messages, when everyone has stated that he  treats you terribly and that you should leave him.  Isn't it important for you that  he disrespects and hurts you? 

He is flirting and hiding his messages with other women. 

You really need to address your lack of self worth.

I acknowledge everything you all are saying and I appreciate your output. I feel a little less crazy. I've dealt with narcissistic abuse before so I know what it looks like. I didn't notice any signs of narcissism in my partner but these actions are definitely disrespectful and I'm definitely not going to tolerate it. 

I had just asked because I wanted to know if I was overreacting about the messages themselves not the sneaking around part, honestly to me it made a lot worse.

I had a talk with him, he did apologize when I explained how it makes me feel when he says these things. He says he likes my body and finds it cute and small. He said that he suggested it because it'd be helpful and he was honest that he's attracted to strong fit women and that he never intended to make me feel insecure. He explained that while he is attracted to red heads it's not a priority. But that he thought it'd look good on me because I'm Irish and have green eyes.


As far as the messages he claims he talked to her because he was bored and intrested because shes in the military.  I asked why he liked those particular photos and he claims she told him to like her photos. This is obviously not true and I dont understand why he lied about that. Then I asked why he deleted it. He says it's because it isnt important. I'm not sure if hes lying to prevent a argument or what but I do see that as a red flag.

Earlier the conversation, he pointed out that again our relationship is everywhere and has his profile picture set to our photo on every platform, so why would other women even think about it. But my thing is they obviously are of they are trying to follow you or talk to you like this.

It only happened once and hasn't happened again as far I've seen when I looked but I still dont find it acceptable and I made that clear. I have a lot to consider,  I plan to be  upfront with these things and evaluate how he acts. 

I probably should have from the beginning, I just didn't want to be equally as toxic and nag about it. But I also cant pretend I'm cool with it either. I am up front with him about a lot of things and I hope he can be more soo too.  He already was before with a lot but still. If he proves to show no improvement I'll think of my options. I've had to leave really bad situations before so I'll start to notice a pattern.  

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I think this guy is bad news.

Please don't stay with this guy because you believe you have no where to go.  Like you said, you grew up with abuse, and I think that this is what has attracted you to this guy.  

Personally, I feel you deserve much better.   I wish you the best.

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23 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

How did he explain complimenting other women's body parts and checking them out in front of you?   How is that ever acceptable?   

For that part, 

So for instance we'd be on Instagram or YouTube together and we'd see women working out. He say they have a nice body or nice butt. What he says he's trying to say is that he likes physically strong women. 

He would not directly compare me to her but to me it felt that way because he used to constantly suggest I should try lifting,  he hasn't asked before in a long time but he did when he liked that photo and so I felt hurt. 

Naturally given all this I ask him what he thinks about my body. He doesn't criticize my body and does compliment me from time to time about how cute it is but he thinks I need to get physically stronger. It was his approach and everything that made it worse for me. Beyond hair and working out he doesn't ask me to change anything else. I just remember he used ask so often it got on my nerves and made me feel bad. Maybe I made it sound like an ongoing thing but he stopped after I asked him and he doesn't check out other women any more but he definitely apparently used to. This all transpired last year and I only just found out about the messages & this girl's profile now. I guess you can say it also resurfaced a lot of old feelings I had from those times.

 

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You are excusing bad behavior, this is also why you feel less than.   I would not like to sit next to my guy while he compliments another woman's behind or body.   I would not tolerate that, and I would be done.   I think it is disrespectful to you!   

How would he feel if you were commenting on some guy saying he has a nice butt, or that he really looks hung?  

He should not be asking you to change anything.   It is controlling and I think he is trying to make you feel less than.   Why is this okay for you? 

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6 hours ago, Restorativbalence said:

I definitely agree and see where you all are coming from. Would you say the messages sound flirty or just casual?

At that point? Flilrty? No, but that isn't the point. Why is he messaging random women in the first place? What is the point?  At the very least, he is hoping it will get flirty.  At worst, they would meet and hook up.  

These messages sound like the conversation two people would have who have just connected through some kind of dating app. The chances are she thinks he is single and looking to meet someone.  She said they are not too far apart so is it's not hard to assume that whilst she might be innocently trying to meet a single man, he is trying to connect with women to possibly hook up with them.  Even if he isn't and he's just after attention, it is still not okay.

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5 hours ago, Restorativbalence said:

As far as the messages he claims he talked to her because he was bored and intrested because shes in the military.  I asked why he liked those particular photos and he claims she told him to like her photos. This is obviously not true and I dont understand why he lied about that. Then I asked why he deleted it. He says it's because it isnt important. I'm not sure if hes lying to prevent a argument or what but I do see that as a red flag.

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He was bored and interested? Interested in what exactly?  Getting to know a woman in the military because he likes strong women?  A lot of us are bored with life at the moment, given that we can't do anything or go anywhere but most of us wouldn't go messaging random men or women if we are in a happy and committed relationship.

He lied because it's easier than admitting the truth.

He deleted them because he thinks he can delete the whole situation along with them. Like it never happened in the first place.  Over and done with.  End of.


It only happened once and hasn't happened again as far I've seen when I looked but I still dont find it acceptable and I made that clear. I have a lot to consider,  I plan to be  upfront with these things and evaluate how he acts. 

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I'm not sure what you mean by you plan to be upfront.  What do you have to be upfront about?  Do you mean by questioning him? If you have to question someone then the question really is, are they worth being with? And remember, just because you can't see him doing anything, it doesn't mean he isn't.  He's learnt a lesson here.  He didn't intend on you finding them in the first place, so he's going to make damn sure you don't find them again.

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11 hours ago, Restorativbalence said:

 I moved out of my abusive parents home and he helped me get out of the situation. So I live with him now. 

Does he support you financially? Unfortunately you'll have to put up with a lot of crap from this "white knight", until you find your own affordable place and work as many jobs as possible to that end.

The time you're wasting playing house and playing cyber detective, catfishing, snooping, etc. is time you could look for work, housing, becoming more independent and....

most of all in therapy to address your abusive household.

The issue is not social media flirting/cheating, whatever

 The issue is you've made yourself way too  dependent on him and you need to start living your own life.

 

 

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With all due respect, have you had a boyfriend before?

Becuase this one is a major ass, on several different levels. I am wondering if you have little to compare him to, which leads you to excuse or justify all kinds of red flags. 

I wouldn't date this guy. 

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15 hours ago, Restorativbalence said:

I acknowledge everything you all are saying and I appreciate your output. I feel a little less crazy. I've dealt with narcissistic abuse before so I know what it looks like. I didn't notice any signs of narcissism in my partner but these actions are definitely disrespectful and I'm definitely not going to tolerate it. 

I had just asked because I wanted to know if I was overreacting about the messages themselves not the sneaking around part, honestly to me it made a lot worse.

I had a talk with him, he did apologize when I explained how it makes me feel when he says these things. He says he likes my body and finds it cute and small. He said that he suggested it because it'd be helpful and he was honest that he's attracted to strong fit women and that he never intended to make me feel insecure. He explained that while he is attracted to red heads it's not a priority. But that he thought it'd look good on me because I'm Irish and have green eyes.


As far as the messages he claims he talked to her because he was bored and intrested because shes in the military.  I asked why he liked those particular photos and he claims she told him to like her photos. This is obviously not true and I dont understand why he lied about that. Then I asked why he deleted it. He says it's because it isnt important. I'm not sure if hes lying to prevent a argument or what but I do see that as a red flag.

Earlier the conversation, he pointed out that again our relationship is everywhere and has his profile picture set to our photo on every platform, so why would other women even think about it. But my thing is they obviously are of they are trying to follow you or talk to you like this.

It only happened once and hasn't happened again as far I've seen when I looked but I still dont find it acceptable and I made that clear. I have a lot to consider,  I plan to be  upfront with these things and evaluate how he acts. 

I probably should have from the beginning, I just didn't want to be equally as toxic and nag about it. But I also cant pretend I'm cool with it either. I am up front with him about a lot of things and I hope he can be more soo too.  He already was before with a lot but still. If he proves to show no improvement I'll think of my options. I've had to leave really bad situations before so I'll start to notice a pattern.  

So, little bit of a different take here. I agree with blue castle, that the foul isn’t necessarily his comments or messages, it’s more the way that those things make you feel.

For example, my husband will sometimes make comments about a woman who’s got a nice butt. We both work out fairly regularly and it’s HARD to get that nice perky booty. It takes dedication, hours in the gym, and commitment to healthy eating. If I ever make it to that point, after all the work I’ve put in, I sure hope someone tells me my butt looks fantastic lol. He may even say “aren’t you excited to look like that, just a few more months and you’ll be there.” So to me, not a comment that makes me feel any less than, it’s more of recognition, a high five, for all the work she’s done to get that butt. But that’s not the case for you. Your boyfriend’s comments do make you feel bad, and that’s okay, it’s great that you were direct with him and told him so! It sounds like he was receptive and heard you, genuinely felt bad, and will try to do better...right?

As far as the models, idk, I guess it’s kind of sleazy to be liking their pictures and messaging. To those models, it’s a job. They have to build a brand and create connections with people to get followers. The messages from your boyfriend were not flirty, and they were from a year ago (I think, timeline isn’t real clear). I think I’d probably let that go, pick my battles. But it seems to be something that hurts you emotionally, and again, it sounds like he was receptive to you and apologized. If I were him, I would’ve deleted the messages too. They were old, he likely didn’t feel like arguing about something from long ago that was so minute to him, and they obviously upset you.

I think you’ve done the best thing and had an honest conversation with your boyfriend. All you can do now is see if he’s able to make the changes to make you feel secure, loved, and desired, and if those changes will last. Keep your eyes open, keep working on yourself, and I really hope he takes your words to heart and works to be a better partner for you!

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