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Should I reach out to my ex boyfriend who I broke up with we were really really good friends before we started dating and I want our friendship back?


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So, a little over a month ago I broke up with my long distance boyfriend. It was really unexpected and now that I look back at it, maybe even a little rash. I broke up with him so I don’t have to have the responsibility of worrying about another person my first years of college. In the first couple weeks I felt in my heart it was the right thing to do because I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. It’s been a little over a month now and the partying and all the stuff has been getting tired. I have not hooked up with anyone else (there have been A LOT of opportunities, but I’m not sure why but I stop myself every time.) I have only been partying a lot as any first years college students do. In the beginning it was a good distraction. The partying is still fun I enjoy the going out and always have a good time when I do decide to go out. But I’m starting to feel numb and lonely. This feelings comes in highs and lows. It’s been going on for couple weeks now and I don’t know how to get rid of that feeling.

 Me and my ex boyfriend were best friends before we decided to start dating and we agreed to stay friends when I broke up with him, but right now we are practically strangers. I have so much going on my life that only he would understand. I know if I reach out that will only confuse him and possibly hurt him or make him angry with me (even though he wasn’t when I broke up with him.) I know it is very unfair, but my point to those I ask is that we started out as friends so I don’t understand why because we had dated we have to lose the foundation in which we started AKA friendship. All I want is to reach out and send a straightforward text saying how I want to be friends because right now we are strangers and that I don’t mean to confuse him. I do not expect him to be nice about it, but I have really been struggling these past weeks. I don’t talk to my other friends as much as I used to and I just feel numb towards everything. I just want my friend back. Please tell if its unfair to reach out even if I am very straightforward about bringing our friendship back? If I do reach out, how should I word it? I also don’t want to be one of those annoying toxic ex girlfriends that’s constantly going back and forth. I just want to be friends right now because at the stage I am in my life I don’t feel mature enough for a serious long distance boyfriend. Pleased response as soon as possible I really really need help. I have been going back and forth for dayssss now. 

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You ended the relationship to suite your lifestyle.  Fair enough, that was good for you, but not necessarily for him.

Now you are lonely and want his friendship?   You understand that appears a little self serving right?   You did mention you didn't want to hurt and confuse him, so I think one month out and you want the better parts of him but not the commitment isn't in his best interest. 

One month is too soon and he'll likely see it as a mixed message.  I doubt he's ready to be demoted to your friend and confidant.  You wanted to be independent of him, so this is your opportunity to make and rely on new friends.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Do they not have Covid where you are?  Are you in Taiwan or New Zealand where there is almost zero Covid?  If not, have you not considered how dangerous all of your partying is to your city and state?

I think it would be incredibly selfish to reach out to him, as I would bet he has feelings.  Leave him alone.

Edited by Hollyj
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You dumped him so you didn't have to deal with having to keep the relationship going while you were at college.  Is that the only reason?  Could it be that you wanted to be single so you could party and do what ever you wanted?  Be honest with yourself and us please.

I will let you answer your own question.  What if you were back home and he was away at college and dumped you recently but now wanted to be friends so he could call you and tell you about all the partying he is doing and all the girls that want to bang him.  Do you think you would want to listen to that?   I doubt it.

  It is way to soon to try and go back to being friends and really the way you dumped him doesn't sound very friendly to me.  It was a pretty selfish thing to do and making excuse as why you did it isn't helping.

  Leave him alone and let him heal from being dumped.  If you ever cared for him you will gladly make this as easy on him as possible. 

There are consequences for all our actions and these are yours.  He may not hate you but if you use him just to make yourself feel better he will resent you for it.  If you truly want to be friends again someday then think of him first, not yourself.

Lost

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Being a friend is the opposite of self absorbed.  Your reasoning is self-absorbed and it doesn't account for his feelings.  Reach out if and when you are ready to be in a committed relationship with him with your whole heart and soul and mind and pinky toes.  Do not reach out a second before then and be ready to explain why you think it might work this time.  Chances are by then he'll be involved and/or uninterested but yes that would be appropriate.  When you end a relationship as you did you don't get to have the benefits of that person's companionship in the way you describe.  It's a downside that is on you.  Don't subject him to your neediness.  If indeed you are a true friend -being a true friend means giving him space from you to live his life. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.

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This is the risk when you a date a friend. 

Leave him alone.  

You can't just expect him to be able to turn off his feelings and just be friends. That is leading him on. And not cool.

Give it time. like years. And if you really were friends, you will be again. 

Sometimes to be a real friend, you have to be strong and do what's best for them.  It's called being cruel to be kind. Meaning it is brutal to dump someone, but kind to let them go find someone better for them. 

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16 hours ago, Amyshore22345 said:

I ask is that we started out as friends so I don’t understand why because we had dated we have to lose the foundation in which we started AKA friendship.

The goalposts change when you go from friends to lovers to exes, OP. 

It just isn't realistic to expect a friendship to go back to the way it was, or to even really work again. I know very few exes who've gone back to the friendships they once enjoyed with each other. Some can, after a lot of time and space apart and feelings are gone, or if they only dated a short time and it didn't work out. Most ex-couples just naturally drift and go in seperate directions. 

16 hours ago, Amyshore22345 said:

Please tell if its unfair to reach out even if I am very straightforward about bringing our friendship back?

Yes, it is unfair. 

You need to develop other friendships and not go to him just because you're struggling now.

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17 hours ago, Amyshore22345 said:

It’s been a little over a month now and the partying and all the stuff has been getting tired. I have not hooked up with anyone else (there have been A LOT of opportunities, but I’m not sure why but I stop myself every time.) I have only been partying a lot as any first years college students do. In the beginning it was a good distraction. The partying is still fun I enjoy the going out and always have a good time when I do decide to go out.

Well lucky you.  You must be in a safe part of the world where people can party and don't have to stay safe!!!!! 

Quote

 I know if I reach out that will only confuse him and possibly hurt him or make him angry with me (even though he wasn’t when I broke up with him.) I know it is very unfair, but my point to those I ask is that we started out as friends so I don’t understand why because we had dated we have to lose the foundation in which we started AKA friendship. All I want is to reach out and send a straightforward text saying how I want to be friends because right now we are strangers and that I don’t mean to confuse him. 

The answer to your question depends on where he IS, emotionally.  Let's go with the notion that he is still getting over you.  That being the case, your contact will confuse him and the likelihood is that he will end up getting hurt again.  Being friends with him again might suit you but it may not necessarily be what is best for HIM.   It is very difficult to go back to a friendship.  Both of you would have to be on the same page emotionally (ie. completely moved on from the relationship).   

Can I ask, though, is it friendship you are really looking for or is there a part of you that thinks you may have made a mistake in breaking up with him?  

 

Edited by Blue68
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Let go. It wouldn't be fair to both of you. 

After a relationship breaks down both of you have to start reconnecting new dots together and creating new support systems or begin the process of creating that new and improved identity. Wherever you are or whatever you are doing it's a responsibility you owe to yourselves after a break up.

Relapsing into a pseudo friendship disrupts this and ends up crippling both of you in the long run. You are not going to be rebuilding your life properly and using each other as a crutch. 

When you begin meeting new people again and not just at parties but in your classes, at other extracurricular activities, at work or elsewhere you need to be able to stand on your own two feet independently and think for yourself. A new date or partner will be unimpressed with your ex in the background or the emotional support that you give to each other. 

That's fine if you are worrying about being considerate to him. The deciding factor should be moving forward for yourself.

 

 

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