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Knot in my head


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I often feel a pressure in the front of my brain when struggling with anxiety or intense emotion. I'm heavily repressed and conditioned from childhood that any outburst from me, no matter how minor, is abnormal and a sign of instability. (Nevermind my mother's frequent past outbursts.) My father acted disgusted when I asked many years ago for him to buy me a punching bag; I knew I needed some way to relieve stress. I moved back in and don't even feel I could buy one with my own money without my parents having something negative to say. I started jogging recently and the higher activity level seems helpful, but I doubt it's a substitute for venting aggression. There's plenty of that left over regardless of how I'm treated on any given day.

I'm reminded of a lyric from Green Day: "Toothache of the mind." It really does feel like it, but Googling either phrase doesn't turn up anything relevant besides the song. Has anyone else ever felt such a thing?

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You should talk to your doctor as soon as possible. Those visits are confidential and you will get a medical opinion that might actually help you instead of googling online (there are too many webmd opinions out there and self-diagnosing is not a good idea). 

How soon are you able to be out and living on your own again?

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2 hours ago, wmitty said:

 I started jogging recently and the higher activity level seems helpful

Excellent. Keep being as physically active as possible. Watch your food intake and stay away from the junk. Research foods that precipitate migraines.

Ask your parents to take you to a physician (if you are under 18, otherwise just go) for the headaches.

Tell the physician about the moods, anger and  headaches.

Headaches could be anything from simple tension or sinus headaches to something that needs investigation such as covid, meningitis, aneurysms, etc.

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Hey, thanks for the quick replies.

Unfortunately I won't be in a position to move out soon. I only moved back in because after five years, my former roommates and I were nearly at each other's throats. My parents convinced me to stay and move back with them to NY, since they felt bad about leaving me without family nearby, but then COVID hit and screwed up everything. We get along okay now, but we used to be incredibly dysfunctional and many things have gone unsaid. At least NY will feel more like home.

I've spoken to my doctor a lot recently thanks to panic attacks and insomnia; I should have brought this up. I can shoot him a simple message and maybe he'll convince me to call again, but I think it's more mental than physical. I've felt this for years, so if it was something more serious I'd probably be experiencing more symptoms by this point. As far as I know the frontal lobes are responsible for impulse control, and, well...I've had a lot of impulses that have gone unfulfilled. Kinda feels like that part of my brain is overloaded.

If anyone has felt something similar, please still let me know. It would be nice to know I'm not the only one, besides (maybe) whoever wrote that song.

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7 minutes ago, wmitty said:

Hey, thanks for the quick replies.

Unfortunately I won't be in a position to move out soon. I only moved back in because after five years, my former roommates and I were nearly at each other's throats. My parents convinced me to stay and move back with them to NY, since they felt bad about leaving me without family nearby, but then COVID hit and screwed up everything. We get along okay now, but we used to be incredibly dysfunctional and many things have gone unsaid. At least NY will feel more like home.

I've spoken to my doctor a lot recently thanks to panic attacks and insomnia; I should have brought this up. I can shoot him a simple message and maybe he'll convince me to call again, but I think it's more mental than physical. I've felt this for years, so if it was something more serious I'd probably be experiencing more symptoms by this point. As far as I know the frontal lobes are responsible for impulse control, and, well...I've had a lot of impulses that have gone unfulfilled. Kinda feels like that part of my brain is overloaded.

If anyone has felt something similar, please still let me know. It would be nice to know I'm not the only one, besides (maybe) whoever wrote that song.

Please please tell your doctor about this and get a proper medical diagnosis and opinion. In fact, you may need more than one or two. Meaning you may need to double check with other doctors and get a second and even a third opinion.

Just because something has been going on for a long time and you are still around, doesn't automatically mean that you are fine physically or that it's only psychological. That's a false presumption to live by.

That pressure you are feeling could be one of a million things and can even be congenital (born with a problem) but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be diagnosed or doesn't need medical intervention.

A girl I used to train with would have similar issues every so often. Doctors eventually found that she has a leaking blood vessel in her brain. She was able to have surgery to get it repaired. Had she ignored the issue, she'd be dead. Fortunately it was caught barely in time and she is 100% fine now. So again, please get proper medical help for yourself and don't ignore this.

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I haven't heard back from my doctor yet, which is odd unless he was out of the office yesterday. He typically is out on Thursdays. But my mother is suggesting that even if I get an expert opinion saying I need a brain scan, that I should ignore it because it would be a waste of time and money. That I should focus on something productive like researching degree programs in New York, nevermind the fact that we can't move back until end of summer so I won't have residency for the fall anyway. I can't even look after my own health without my mother being critical of me. Goes to show how my parents only ever want me to do what makes them feel better, not what I actually need to do.

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37 minutes ago, wmitty said:

my mother is suggesting that even if I get an expert opinion saying I need a brain scan, that I should ignore it because it would be a waste of time and money. 

Don't discuss it with your mother. Your a grown man and your health is a private issue.

Your decisions, as a grown man about your health, education, etc. are yours. You don't need to run anything by them.

Even if you are living at home create firmer boundaries. Pay rent, do chores, errands, chip in, etc. but otherwise live your own life and go about your business.

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No, definitely not a doctor. In fact, she’s been unemployed for the better part of a decade, since her degree is in a dying field.

I’d like to join a gym, but we had both cars die last fall, one after the other. (Yeah, 2020 was fun.) Technically I own the one car we have now, but my father co-signed the loan and covers most of the costs. I worked overnight, so we were able to share the car despite both of us working full-time. Unfortunately, his schedule is busy and unpredictable, so I can’t get around much during the day. To top it off, he starts a new job in NY in about a month, and he’ll have to take the car with him while we stay behind until summer. My mother is planning to have groceries delivered.

Anyway, I’ll keep up with the jogging. And once we get back to NY, public transportation will be a thing again, thank goodness. I plan on making good use of it.

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It's unfortunate, but most parents don't make the best confidants, especially when independence is a goal.

I'd research and reach out to any potential sources of support virtually, given that most providers are operating that way these days.

I'd also consider trying to unravel what your goal is with your parents. Do you want to grow beyond them and their provinciality, or are you holding a grudge to settle that's interfering with your ability to find peace?

Most of us can't have it both ways: independence AND approval.

Decide which is more important to you. Behave accordingly, and understand that very few people are graced with ideal parents. Acceptance of their faults as not resting on us to fix is a first step toward self-actualization.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

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Hey, thanks. Yeah, I made that choice between independence and approval a while back, leaving abruptly and estranging myself for six years. If anything, I'm lucky we patched things up and I was able to move back in when I needed it. I don't know how I'd get by now. It's just...a reminder of past dysfunction is all. Or not entirely in the past - my younger brother is now discovering how irrational our mother can be, and how our father sits on the sidelines and allows it. I'm the one having to tell him this is the way they are and they're not going to change. (He's also discovering the grass is not always greener - his roommates suck, like mine did.) I was just venting a bit.

I was a little anxious over the health concerns, and I've been desperately lonely (we don't socialize much as a family), so I couldn't resist having something to talk about. It wasn't the best idea, no.

My doctor says a CT scan would be ideal, but that it's a good sign I don't have any other symptoms and it's probably nothing serious. I'm still on a copay plan, but unfortunately copays don't apply to CT scans until after my deductible is met. As much as I value peace of mind, I can't afford a brain scan essentially out-of-pocket unless absolutely necessary. It looks like I'm going to have to drop the medical concerns for now.

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8 hours ago, wmitty said:

 father sits on the sidelines and allows it. 

Your father found a way to assert boundaries, pick his battles and cope with grown kids living at home.

Try to learn from him rather than trying to teach him.

Chill out, stay in your lane. Get out of the house more. Anywhere. Look for any jobs you can get.

Do you really want to be one of those guys living in his parents house playing videogames all day?

The choice is yours. Don't become a cliche.

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8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your father found a way to assert boundaries, pick his battles and cope with grown kids living at home.

Try to learn from him rather than trying to teach him.

Chill out, stay in your lane. Get out of the house more. Anywhere. Look for any jobs you can get.

Do you really want to be one of those guys living in his parents house playing videogames all day?

The choice is yours. Don't become a cliche.

 

This is assuming too much. I barely touch video games these days because most of the time they're lonely and therefore meaningless. I only quit my retail job after my panic attacks became debilitating. I am trying to get back to a state of mind where I can be productive, hence my thread on programming in the Career forum. And my father did not become passive just to cope with grown children - he's always been like this, even when my mother was having tantrums like a toddler, throwing things all over the house and slamming doors when I was only eight years old. She's domineering, and he's pliable and weak. That's the only reason they've been married this long in the first place.

Asserting things you know very little about is NOT the way to go about a pep talk.

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You have to find a way out of that house and on your own. Unless you are earning and saving towards a downpayment or saving for some other reason, try to get out on your own again. Anxiety and panic attacks are rough. Staying at home long term is not an option because of these deteriorating relationships with your family. I think it's inhibiting your growth and you may be enabling each other in your separate issues.

Even if it's a simple job (not retail), find administrative jobs or something that allows you to work from home or remotely. You have work experience so try your hand at easier positions or entry level positions in companies. Although it is not creative and exciting it may be the type of routine and work that gives you the stability that allows you to thrive creatively on the side. You may eventually support yourself full time and be able to move out. Hedging your bets on supporting yourself on something that hasn't proved fruitful for a long time is a spiral downwards. Go easy and think simple. It may not be exciting but it may be what you need to get out of this rut. 

If you want to work with clients for cash do so on the side and put more hours into it. Make double what you're used to with these independent gigs. I think mental health is so important. You have to keep up that momentum to support yourself in other ways - physically too (your physical health) and eat healthy, give yourself free time and a low stress environment to fulfill other joys and interests and hobbies. 

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13 hours ago, wmitty said:

 I only quit my retail job after my panic attacks became debilitating.  

Ok, so you are back to square one. You have headaches but can't afford an evaluation for it.

And you're back home with dysfunctional family, but can't do anything about that either.

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17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, so you are back to square one. You have headaches but can't afford an evaluation for it.

And you're back home with dysfunctional family, but can't do anything about that either.

 

And there I was thinking you'd have the grace to stay quiet. You spoke from a place of ignorance, and ignorance is not a virtue. Why that needs explaining to someone with 40,000+ posts and "Wiseman" in their username is utterly baffling.

 

19 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You have to find a way out of that house and on your own. Unless you are earning and saving towards a downpayment or saving for some other reason, try to get out on your own again. Anxiety and panic attacks are rough. Staying at home long term is not an option because of these deteriorating relationships with your family. I think it's inhibiting your growth and you may be enabling each other in your separate issues.

 

Thank for your continued concern, and for having something of substance to say. Family isn't as bad as it sounds - at least not in the present. My mother hasn't changed as much as it appeared when I reconnected, but she has changed. Most of the full-on drama is between her and my brother's future in-laws, consisting of petty arguments that have built up and boiled over. Watching that nonsense from the sidelines isn't fun, but it's nowhere near as bad as my childhood.

Insomnia is making it difficult to keep a consistent schedule, and I don't have the mental fortitude anymore to work a full shift on three hours of sleep. That was the single biggest reason for quitting, and it's why freelancing might be my only realistic option in the short-term.

If it wasn't for COVID, we'd already be back up in New York. That was the original purpose of staying at home instead of immediately looking for roommates - to hitch a ride, get settled, and branch out from there. We left a lot of friends and family behind. NY also has more job opportunities, more resources for job placement, and public transportation so I can get to work or socialize without having to drive. The cost of living is too much for me to return on my own, so going back with family is still the mid-term plan.

Just viewing other threads has given me more perspective. It's exhausting being judged, having to explain myself, and getting into senseless arguments. Becoming an active participant feels like a mistake, so I think I'll just observe for now.

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Regarding your relatives' drama can you disconnect or choose not to know about the details? Who is telling you the info? Create better boundaries when you're with either your mother or your brother or your brother's in-laws. Someone is including you in information or news, thinking of you as an emotional dumping ground.

When someone comes to you with news and it starts to take a turn or involves gossip or other toxic waste, change the topic. Keep doing that. If they keep repeating themselves like a broken record or returning to the negative things they need to say, you will know that that person has nothing else better to say or do that day but be very self-absorbed and that is something you do not need to be a part of. I say this recalling issues in the past dealing with some family relatives as well on topics that were unwelcome to me.

Remember, a conversation is a two-way street so be firm about what types of conversations you want to be a part of. You absolutely do not have to be a participant in anything that feels inappropriate to you. 

You will get back on your feet eventually. Don't give up on your dreams or getting back out on your own and moving out. Don't worry about not replying either. You are welcome on the forum either way.

 

 

 

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Sometimes it's just bits and pieces I overhear, or an offhand comment made to me. But sometimes I do seek it out, when I know I should detach myself from the more dysfunctional aspects of our family life. That's good advice, and I'll try following it more closely. Thank you.

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