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He can’t trust me and I don’t know what to do...


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I need a bit of helping if anyone is willing. 3 months ago I met someone and I’ve truly fallen in love with him. Unfortunately he lives in the past, specifically, the past where he was cheated on by his girlfriend of 2-4 years I don’t remember. Anyway, he constantly accuses me of being unfaithful but I’m not and I don’t know how to make it stop. I just want him to trust me but he doesn’t, any advice? I can’t keep going through the stupid fights and I just want him to trust me...

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This has disaster written all over it.  Unless and until he sorts himself out, perhaps with therapy, he will remain in the past and not become a good and decent partner for you.

You are in love with what you ant him to be, not who he really is.  Time to rethink this.   3 months is not long enough to establish a good relationship.

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6 minutes ago, TBD said:

3 months ago I met someone. he constantly accuses me of being unfaithful but I’m not.

Sorry this is happening . 12 weeks is a good time to cut your losses rather than be a whipping post for his unresolved past issues. Do not jump through hoops of control freaks like this.

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Are you living together? Treat what you see as what you get especially when you're getting to know someone. Dating is to get to know each other, not try to decode or change something that you don't agree with or don't understand.

Whenever someone tells me a bit of news I have to think twice about what's being said or what's not being said. He's telling you that she cheated but he may not have told you the full story about what their relationship was like. Read between the lines and be wary. He may very well have been an innocent party and scarred from the past. But everyone has a choice. That's a choice to heal and a choice to make better decisions going forward, not continue to inflict harm on themselves or others.

If your gut feeling is telling you something is wrong and you're being accused or held in contempt for something you haven't done, be aware of what's going on and know when to walk away.

 

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1 hour ago, TBD said:

he lives in the past, specifically, the past where he was cheated on by his girlfriend of 2-4 years I don’t remember. Anyway, he constantly accuses me of being unfaithful but I’m not and I don’t know how to make it stop.

HE is still affected - so not in the right mind to be involved if he acts out like this. ( not sure if his BU with her was recent - right before you?)...

How you make it stop?  Leave.. be done with that!

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Only three months in and you say that you are already in love with him? Was it by chance a big whirl wind romance where he promised you the world, treated you like a queen kind of a thing and then flips on occasion where he suddenly turns into an angry monster who is picking fights and accusing of things you haven't done?

If so, please realize that this guy isn't a victim of cheating or anything else such, but rather your run of the mill abuser control freak. He told you a story so that you'd feel sorry for him and accept his abuse because...you know....it's justified....except that it is NOT.

Please just dump him, block, delete, RUUUUUN. Do not stick around because it will get worse from here on out.

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He won't, as this is about him.  You need to get away from this guy,or you will have a life of misery. 

 

End it, unless you want to be repeatedly punished for his past.  The dude is an abuser and you are his emotional punching bag. 

Edited by Hollyj
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When someone goes accusatory, that doesn't ever get any better--it only gets worse.

That's not about you, it's about him--and you can't fix it.

I'd get out of this as safely as possible, and if you feel threatened by this guy, contact your local domestic violence agency for help in forming a 'safe' plan.

This is dangerous stuff, and you'd be foolish to continue engaging this man.

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Red flags are flying everywhere.

Either he is not emotionally ready for another relationship or he is, indeed, a control freak who is manipulating your emotions.  

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He could be suffering from PTSD because of being cheated on. This was obviously so traumatic...he is paranoid. The only way for him to change is time, and therapy. You can approach him, make a point about his behavior, tell him it's wrong and it needs to be addressed with counseling, BUT only if you so choose to do something about it.

There is also a possibility, this is the way he is normally, and his GF got so lost in the abuse, she found herself escaping by cheating on him. *Remember you are only getting his side of the story. He could be playing up being the victim.

My recommendation is: since you are only 3 months in, it's time for you to quit this.

Edited by smackie9
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Some people use the "I was cheated on card" as a manipulation tactic to control their partner.  They start small with what you eat, to how late you stay out to who you hang out with, to what your family says about him.  Run!! This guy is bad news.

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Try to be understanding, compassionate and supportive, and if possible be an open book in regard to passwords for phone, email, social media. Heck I let my last girlfriend track me on her iphone. I got nothing to hide, it took years for her to finally relax.

A fight can only happen if both parties participate.

He might come around over time. 3 months isn't all that long.

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Stop wasting your time. He is all messed up in the head for real OR he is playing mind games to make you jump through hoops so he can control you with accusations. 

Either way this is stupid and a waste of your time and energy and life. Just tell him he needs to see a shrink about his drama from the past and that life moves on. He wants to live in yesteryear, nobody can stop him. But let him know you ain't gonna be bothered and are not gonna live in the past with him. Nor are you gonna go through any changes to do time for a crime you didn't commit. 

Then hang up and block Mr. Loser on everything. 

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When you have to constantly prove your self in a relationship it will become very toxic and tiring for you. Sad thing is when I was younger I was in the exact same situation and he ended up cheating on me 'because he thought I was cheating on him and would leave him' I was so silly I thought that all made perfect sense. Wasted 2 years of my life and honestly I don't even miss or think or care about him now. Only think about him to tell this story. 

Dont waste anymore time. Be with someone that wants to nuture you and trusts you. Thats a very powerful feeling.

Edited by ironi
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On 3/19/2021 at 1:40 PM, gamon said:

Try to be understanding, compassionate and supportive, and if possible be an open book in regard to passwords for phone, email, social media. Heck I let my last girlfriend track me on her iphone. I got nothing to hide, it took years for her to finally relax.

A fight can only happen if both parties participate.

He might come around over time. 3 months isn't all that long.

It is not her responsibility.  He needs to deal with his trust issues, and until he does, he will treat all women poorly.  She needs to dump him.  He is emotionally abusive!

Please end it TBD!

Edited by Hollyj
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