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(F) My difficulty to orgasm has been ruining my sex life for years


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I am a 27 y old woman and I have been sexually active since I was 16-17 years old. Since my first experiences I have had a hard time orgasming, it had to be through oral sex or with the help of my hands. I have never experienced vaginal orgasm (I dont even know if everyone can do it). When I am masturbating I can reach in less than a minute but its only in a certain position with my own hand and thats it.

This is not a big issue for me. I enjoy sex and I can make my self orgasm during sex and I am happy with how things are. I hope I could do more but since its not happening, I cannot stress over it. The problem is my partners. EVERY TIME I have sex with a new partner ( not one-night stands, guys that I see more than a couple of times and might go seriously), we have to talk about it. Every guy asks me if I can orgasm in some other way and every guy knows techniques to make me hypothetically orgasm and it just ruins the whole thing. I always explain that this is the way and that I need my time to maybe manage something else (I have managed to do it through rubbing at some point but I have lost that skill again), but I always see the disappointment in their faces. I cant take this anymore. It is making me insecure. 

In my last long term relationship my partners sex drive fell nearly to zero (it was one of the reasons we broke up) and it ruined my sexuallity. In a talk we had he said that its not fun for him to always have to do the same thing for me to orgasm. 

Now I am with a new guy trying things out in the bedroom and yesterday he had to ask about it too. I feel horrible today.

What can I do about all this?

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2 hours ago, Notmi said:

 I always see the disappointment in their faces.

Just be yourself. Isn't it for you to enjoy, not impress or assuage your partner?

The more you allow jerks from the past to define this  the more anxiety you'll bring to this. S

ex is supposed to be enjoyable not an Olympic performance sport with marks.

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Most or a lot of women don’t or have trouble with orgasm from penetration. Some can’t even do it with their own hand but can from other unusual ways like rubbing on a pillow. 
So that being said, you find a partner that is accepting that as long as both get satisfied ....who cares how you get there. 
I think many guys base sexual experience with what they see in porn. I also think guys that don’t have you orgasming several  times with your eyes rolling to the back of your head is a hit to their ego. I actually dated someone like that. He wasn’t good at all tbh, no foreplay and I think the women he was with before faked it. He just expected it to be all fireworks with no effort and it didn’t happen with me. Instead of actually working on doing other things he wasn’t having any of that Loser. 
So you are just gonna have to explain things are going to be different and need a partner that’s willing to explore other options but have fun with it. If he doesn’t like then he’s not the right guy.

There are guys out there that are not like you ex bfs. So you are not the problem, it’s the guys you are picking. 

Op have you tried using a vibrator? Sex toys?

Edited by smackie9
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It's a pity connoisseurs like Pippy are not here for these urgent matters to provide proper guidance.

Edited by dias
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No harm in getting your hormones checked out. Even though you're young, there's a possibility they are out of balance. I know in menopause, it's often harder for a woman to climax by penetration, but oral still feels as pleasurable. In this case, there is a hormonal cream called Estradiol or Estrace that is inserted a few times a week vaginally and that helps a lot with restoring that pleasure. It is probably beneficial for you to find out, because it would add another dimension of variety for you for your sex life. 

And you could always seek out a sex therapist who might have skills to help you and a potential partner reach that goal. I once read that it takes an average about 15 minutes for a woman to get built up enough by foreplay to be able to climax, so perhaps the guys doesn't spend enough time stimulating you. I imagine the guys aren't all too happy because of the psychology of the act. They know you don't enjoy it when they are inside you (to the point of climax, anyway), and guys feed off of their partners excitement to build their own--the sight of her face expressing pleasure, her writhing body movements, her groans. Ever hear of women faking it? It's usually for that very reason. LOL 

If nothing works and you're satisfied with just getting it done by oral, tell a guy you prefer your first orgasm by oral and then later move to penetration. Give the impression you're as into it as him during penetration and both are happy. A guy doesn't need to know every personal detail about you, and if there are things left better unsaid, so be it.

I wish you well. Keep us updated.

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Most women (I believe it's something like 80%) cannot orgasm through penetration alone.  To have a hand there at the same time is fine, to have an orgasm through oral before having penetrative sex is fine, to have one any other way that does it for you is fine.  There is no "right" way to have an orgasm and I think smackie9 is right about guys getting the wrong idea about how sex is for women through their porn use.  The more you (or these men) convince you there's something wrong with what you need to orgasm, the harder you're going to make it for yourself to get anywhere.  In a decent relationship you should get to say how you want to orgasm and the guy should be willing to help, not criticise.

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8 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Most women (I believe it's something like 80%) cannot orgasm through penetration alone.  To have a hand there at the same time is fine, to have an orgasm through oral before having penetrative sex is fine, to have one any other way that does it for you is fine.  There is no "right" way to have an orgasm and I think smackie9 is right about guys getting the wrong idea about how sex is for women through their porn use.  The more you (or these men) convince you there's something wrong with what you need to orgasm, the harder you're going to make it for yourself to get anywhere.  In a decent relationship you should get to say how you want to orgasm and the guy should be willing to help, not criticise.

I agree with all of this.   

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Your way doesn't ruin anything except for relationships with guys who don't 'get' what they'll need to someday learn about most women.

Don't stress it, but rather consider it a screening device to learn whether a man is into YOU or his own ego.

If a guy won't support and enjoy what you need to do to finish off, then that's on him, not you.

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On 3/16/2021 at 5:38 AM, Notmi said:

When I am masturbating I can reach in less than a minute 

Ok, so it's not really a problem. The problem is the guys you're with.

It's not a performance. You're not on stage for anyone.

Make sure there's enough foreplay. That sounds like a big part of the problem. Why haven't these "disappointed looking" guys tried oral?

The issue isn't anorgasmia, it's unsatisfactory sex. Once you clarify that in your head, you'll be able to relax. You're not unhealthy or hormone deficient. 

More likely you're with clumsy lovers or you're not assuring your own satisfaction through appropriate communication.

 

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