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A Sudden Change in Long-Distance, continued


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I wrote a little bit about this in another post but I am here for more advice. Here's the last post for context: https://www.enotalone.com/topic/444735-a-sudden-change-in-long-distance/

My boyfriend visited me in the midwest at the end of February and I felt a little different probably because I keep pushing him away. However, he made me so happy again and it was so much fun. It felt good to be together even if it was different. I just found out that he is 99% sure he is moving out west and I am still unsure whether we should date into the summer. He wants to stay together but understands that is selfish because not only does he get to move out to the west for his pilot training, but he also gets to keep me as a girlfriend who he can facetime while he's by himself out west. However, I am short changed. I stay up at night thinking about what to do (I feel ridiculous doing so, it started as a high school relationship that I knew was not going to last forever) and I am get very sad at night. 

Do I stay in this relationship and enjoy all the facetimes and see him the 4-6 weeks over the summer and be sad when he's away like I am right now or do I break up with him now, take a month of not talking to each other to heal, and then go forward as friends? Keep in mind, I would like to break up right before school starts next semester because I owe time to myself to meet other people and just be single. Though the idea of breaking up kills me. I really do not want to and neither does he. 

He also suggested taking a week to try and be friends. This means no saying I love you, no good morning/night texts, no more calling me amazing, it would solely be platonic but we still get to facetime. Just to feel it out and mold our relationship into a friendship, we are both very mature and have had few to no issues in our 1 year+ of dating both long distance and while we were together. I know he loves me so much and would do anything to make this work, but he understands my concerns. I really don't know what to do, please help me.

 

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In my opinion it depends on what you are looking for in a relationship. I do not advise going from 'I love you' to the next day 'being friends' it will cause a lot of confusion and heartache if you or him find another partner. It can become messy. 

You have mentioned you 'owe yourself time to meet people and just be single' if that's truly how you feel then you know the answer deep down. No breakup is easy, it never will be if you truly cared for that person. Also I think you shouldn't depend on morning texts or compliments to stay in a relationship this is why you are confusing yourself about this situation. If you know you are amazing you do not need someone else to tell you that. 

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Sorry this is happening. It's really up to you, not him, if you want to be tethered to someone who wants to "be friends" on/off, then lovers on/off, etc.

He's leaving and again, it's up to you, not him, if you want to be stuck in a distance relationship.

It almost sounds like he's inviting you to end it so he can be free to pursue his life and dating others when he relocates.

This is 100% your decision. It's up to you if face timing is worth a nebulous on/off distance situation ship.... Or you want to be happy and free to date locally and find men who are interested in what you are interested in.

 

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3 hours ago, cececoles45 said:

He also suggested taking a week to try and be friends. This means no saying I love you, no good morning/night texts, no more calling me amazing, it would solely be platonic but we still get to facetime. Just to feel it out and mold our relationship into a friendship, we are both very mature

This doesn't make a lot of sense, and isn't very realistic, in my opinion.

It will be too painul, and despite how mature you both are, it will hurt to be in close contact but not as a couple. It's the reason most exes cannot be friends right after they break up. It provides no space to heal, no space for true reflection, no solid grasp on what it's like to end a relaitonship. 

It doesn't mean you need to be total strangers to each other, but I don't see how trying to be friends for a week is going to accomplish anything or bring any clarity. 

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You don't have 100 percent confidence in being exclusive with him and you want to explore meeting others and/or being single. In your shoes, I'd go with making myself single. Not that you're considering marriage, but the divorce statistic is higher for people who marry under age 25 because you're still learning about yourself, growing into who you are. So if you don't fully know yourself, how will you choose the right lifetime partner?

Sounds like you'd like more dating experiences. I'd go for that.

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9 hours ago, cececoles45 said:

He wants to stay together but understands that is selfish because not only does he get to move out to the west for his pilot training, but he also gets to keep me as a girlfriend who he can facetime while he's by himself out west.

Is he staying out there.. forever? Or will he be returning?

My  sis boyfriend just did a good amt of month in training and he came back her way a month ago- and they moved further east (3 provinces away), which is where he has been stationed.

They made it work .. she waited and they planned things re: their future- as she knew he'd eventually be back.

 

yes, distance is difficult, but can work out especially if you know he'll be returning in a while.

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Long distance is hard even with 100% enthusiasm. If you're not 100% into being with him and considering that it might be a good idea to go where the grass might be greener -do some dating - I would do that.  My parents were long distance for years as teenagers because of schooling.  Their marriage lasted 62 years until my father died.  So yes it can work - and back then they saw each other once a month and spoke by phone once a week in the 1950s.  My husband and I were long distance when we were dating but we were able to see each other about every 11 days.  both 100% committed -that was key.  Good luck!!

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