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Trying to fix my relationship before the ship completely sinks.


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I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years as of January and I moved in with him as of December. Our emotional bond is very strong however our sex life has been horrible making me very distant from him. I've been out with family more, and even with friends I otherwise wouldn't give so much time to. I find it hard to be home or around him at all lately because it just feels like a job. He's very lazy so I find it's easier to clean and fix things on my own. Despite all the laziness, at the end of the day I just want to feel loved and appreciated but am left feeling like a bitter husk of the person I know I can be. We have had many many conversations about the sex problems and he usually will just give me an excuse or tell me he's gonna work on it. I've taken many approaches to fix this and even turned on myself in the process. Talking to my father only gets so far when I can't truly express the full scope of the situation. I can't help but feel as though the hole I've dug myself gets deeper everyday and I just want it all to work out but I can't stand the frustration anymore. I've asked him how he feels and what the problem is but he says he's not depressed and he's going to fix this. I've been threatening to leave because my own mental health is suffering. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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When did this problem start.. before you moved in?

With him saying, he is going to fix this.. How exactly?  All of a sudden become more active? - Has been ongoing.. so when & how?

 

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

When did this problem start.. before you moved in?

With him saying, he is going to fix this.. How exactly?  All of a sudden become more active? - Has been ongoing.. so when & how?

 

When we met his sex drive was great. Even on days I had to get ready for work and he had to leave, he would be sure to let me know he loved and needed me. Then everything started to taper. My mental health at the time was not good at all and my emotions were a mess. This lack of affection certainly didn't help. I felt so alone and found myself becoming more clingy which only pushed him away more. I tried to work through it even though my friends told me of the red flags they saw, but I'm not the kind of person to throw a good thing away. Outside we have a ton in common and even do many outdoor activities together. He comes from a very sheltered family who didn't give him enough affection. Despite all that I saw though it all. I've taught him so many new things and I know I've made his life better. He had a problem with my weight and that was the first excuse. Then came many more and more recently he blamed it on watching porn. He promised he would stop. (forgot to mention I always have to initiate despite being a very insecure person) The other morning I came into the room and he actually did stuff with me but I couldn't help but worry about how long id have to endure the stress until we'd do it again. He just wants me to lay there in silence when we do it anyway. I just feel like my bond with him is deteriorating. I'm not the kind to cheat and neither is he but I'm tired of this and want peace.

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I'm aware of how bad this all sounds and I just want to reassure we share a very strong emotional bond. He truly cares about me. If this was just a friendship it would be a life long one. Its hurting me that I can no longer see a future with him. I wanted to have kids and grow old with him.

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3 minutes ago, BrokenStranger said:

This lack of affection certainly didn't help. I felt so alone and found myself becoming more clingy which only pushed him away more. I tried to work through it even though my friends told me of the red flags they saw,

More clingy.. well what did he expect?

What kind of red flags?

 

4 minutes ago, BrokenStranger said:

He had a problem with my weight and that was the first excuse. Then came many more and more recently he blamed it on watching porn. He promised he would stop. (forgot to mention I always have to initiate despite being a very insecure person)

So he's been using diff excuses?  😞 

As for the porn.. is it all of the time..? Do you think that has maybe taken over your intimacy? - that'd be a problem! 

Many guys do fancy porn, but usually it can enhance the intimacy (get them going), but not take it over.

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The emotional without the sexual does not a sustainable relationship make. I think this has run its course. It would be ok to let it go, not every relationship lasts forever.

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10 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

More clingy.. well what did he expect?

What kind of red flags?

 

So he's been using diff excuses?  😞 

As for the porn.. is it all of the time..? Do you think that has maybe taken over your intimacy? - that'd be a problem! 

Many guys do fancy porn, but usually it can enhance the intimacy (get them going), but not take it over.

Red flags meaning that my friends saw how this was affecting me and didn't think it was worth hurting me further.

I worry about his mental health or whatnot over what he does when he's alone. And I agree that porn could be a great tool. I'm not sure how much he watches really because were literally together all the time except for work and him being in shower. Its worth mentioning that I'm a super flexible person too but I hate how I'm in a position of dominance regarding this when all I want is him to step up. 

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To not have intimacy as part of a relationship, is something lacking 😞 

Not saying he is trying to withhold it from you, but he is.  Usually men are very into sex.

Basically just like roommates nowadays?  If you feel this has stalled and he is not acting on it, wanting to try, then YOU act now - by informing you you want out of this... If he's not into it, then he isn't.. No reason for you to keep hanging on.

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Can you give us a bit more context? Do you both work? What are your schedules or lifestyles like? From what I'm hearing he avoids you and you don't think highly of him. I'm curious where that emotional bond fits in your mind. 

If you can bring that out or describe what that bond is to you maybe you both can put it to good, active use. If you feel you have an emotional bond, practice it. Can you talk with one another without blaming the other for what's going on? Can both of you hear each other out without making requests or demands right off the get-go? Have a talk with no pressure or ultimatums. You know each other best and what's sapping away at all your energy and causing stress in your work or personal lives.

You mentioned that you had issues with mental health or were clingy at some point. Did he do something or did something happen in the relationship to trigger this? Why did you start to get insecure at one point? Was it his comment on your body or weight? 

This part stood out to me: 

Quote

Even on days I had to get ready for work and he had to leave, he would be sure to let me know he loved and needed me.

Relationships that have a solid foundation normally don't need this much affirmation or constant affection. Are you meaning sex every single morning before work or him interrupting his schedule or sleeping habit to see you off to work? I'm not sure what this means exactly. I think at some point your partner felt that he was just trying to keep you happy at a pace that didn't feel natural anymore to him. It might help to go back to that emotional bond you were talking about and what that means to both of you. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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5 hours ago, BrokenStranger said:

 I moved in with him as of December.  our sex life has been horrible 

Sorry this is happening. Why did you move in with him? Can you move back home or back to your own place?

Clearly, playing house is adding more resentment and discord.

What is the problem with sex and has it been present the whole time you were dating?

Perhaps he watches too much porn. Perhaps he has medical or psychological problems. Perhaps he has sex with others. Perhaps he's not attracted to you.

Whose idea was it to move in with him?

Unfortunately it sounds like you are just a housekeeper. Stop doing that and resenting it.

He is not going to "fix it" and you're not going to fix him.

 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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8 hours ago, BrokenStranger said:

I just want to feel loved and appreciated but am left feeling like a bitter husk of the person I know I can be.

 

7 hours ago, BrokenStranger said:

we share a very strong emotional bond. He truly cares about me.

OP, do you realize how contradictory these two statements are?

It sounds like you are having trouble being honest with yourself about the state of things and that your bond is nowhere near as strong anymore as you want to believe. I don't see how that's possible when you are this unhappy and feeling so unloved and unappreciated. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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OK this is what you do....move out. Coming home should be your sanctuary, not dread.

He needs time to figure this out on his own and alone. Obviously he's not ready for this step in your relationship for whatever reason. Moving out will stop him from being lazy because it shows that he needs to get his act together or he's gonna lose you. And you my dear need to focus on making yourself happy. A man isn't there to give you a life, that is all up to you to do.

As you pack your stuff out, tell him that to only reach out to you when he is ready to talk, and discuss all the issues, and to resolve them.

 

Edited by smackie9
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