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From love affair to situationship...


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Hi, I'm looking for some outside advice, help, just anything to help me and my sanity with the situation I've allowed myself to get into. I'll give you some background: In 2017 I met a man outside my unhappy marraige.

I had planned to seperate from my husband as we were unhappy for a longtime but our young niece passed away the same year and so I couldn't leave him as he was distraught. In 2018 we had the conversation and we seprated, this man was still in mine, we talked on the phone everyday. He was also married with x2 kids. Our affair was very emotional aswell as physical.

He made out he was also unhappy in his marraige and been trying to leave years before he met me but claims she trapped him with getting pregnant, not a nice thing to say I know but it's what was said.

Months passed well into 2019 he made out they were sleeping in seperate rooms, he was supposed to be moving into his friends empty house etc...this didn't happen and summer of 2019 he told me he wanted to be friends...I was broken...I found out through social media life was normal for him, pics of him & his wife out wining & dining with friends, I felt an angry hurt fool and I told a few people about our affair knowing it would become public and yes his wife found out (then...I did not care...now I do feel very bad about my actions) She contacted me, I gave her the details but they still stayed together.

1 month passed, my dad died unexpectedly and this man was in contact with me when he heard the news. He'd met my dad, he met my whole family, thats how serious I thought he was about me. Anyway from then round x2 affair began, again him promising me he was leaving her. I'd moved town, he visited when he could but then told me him & his wife were going away for the week as she wanted to try again...I took it on the chin, didn't make a scene as I was still too broken from the 1st time he hurt me & dealing with dad's death. I let him go.

I was on a night out with friends whilst he was away but then bumped into him...he said they returned from the trip early as they had fallen out and he is defo leaving... He claimed they have agreed to separate but after Christmas...but they were still going to his friends wedding together...I just found this odd, he's declaring his love for me, leaving his wife but still carrying on as normal...I know this sounds bizzar as I'm writing it and I feel so silly but I'll keep going.

23rd Dec 2019 she must've seen something in his phone, my contact or a message and she contacted me accusing him of leaving her for me, so I knew him leaving must've been true. Since I caused the hurt by making the affair public the first time I didnt want to make things worse so I asked her to meet and talk. My plan was to tell her we had been in contact again but he wasn't leaving her for me, he was doing it for himself and he loves her and the kids very much...that was my plan but she didn't let me get a word in and quite rightly so she deserved to jump down my throat but then said they did agree to seprate but decided just the day before to try again.

Again I was left hurt, no more anger just disappointed with myself. Me and her exchanged a few messages spoke on the phone, her asking me to try meet him and if he'd agreed she wanted me to call her so she could catch him out...like she needed to see it to believe it but this man was also a client through my work so I didn't want to make matters worse so I didn't get involved I just left it 2 weeks and then mid January 2020 I contacted him about the contract which he then wiped from my feet...this made me angry as I thought you've played with my head & heart...and now my career!

So I contacted his boss...I kept it professional and questioned pulling the contract...to be told there was nothing on the system...it was all a lie. Him inviting me to site visits etc all a lie. So because I contacted his work which I imagine would've raised eyebrows and questions about him making up this contract...this resulting in this man & his wife contacting the police who pulled me into the station to accuse me off harrasing this man...her husband! I was so shocked, beaten down.

They quizzed me on harrasing him since 2017 but were not open to see messages, dates, pics, songs and stuff he'd been sending me to prove I wasn't harrasing him.

2 months passed, I was in therapy to deal with it all but I was also building myself back up. I'm a full time store manager, mummy, carer for my mum and I put the rest of my time and focus on starting my own fitness classes...I was doing good.

March 2020 came, his truck was outside my shop, he must've saw me through the window and the shop phone rang. He was blocked on my phone so that's maybe why he came to see if I was in and called the shop. He said he missed me and heard about what I'd been upto my new business etc. We spoke a few more weeks...apparently the police incident was all her idea etc, my guards were up to believe anything he said but still I gave him the time of day.

End of March we were in lockdown, he still called me everyday, messaged me songs still and video called me. Once again he told me he was leaving... June 2020 he called to say he's going to be moving into his friends spare room along the road from where I stayed. He actually did it, he moved out. I was still unsure tho if it was him leaving or she kicked him out as when I met her she spun the story to be it was her asking him to leave for years but then she took him back everytime when finding out we were still seeing each other so I find it hard to believe she'd try kick him out but allow him to stay after the affair. Anyway he moves out, we start seeing each other but I notice he's spending lots of time at his ex house.

I know its to see the kids but he's there till 12 midnight. My gut feeling was they've maybe seperated but prob still trying again...he can't seem to let go of me after 3 years there's prob no way he can let go of her after 20...I do get it. I struggled too much with it, didn't want to be the *** who said anything about him spending too much time with his kids at his ex house so soon after the split, so I walked away, wished him well.

About a month later I bumped into him in the carpark at the shops, we spoke, it was a nice chat. He was still living with his mate. We began spending time together again, we took a trip up north scotland,was a great few months. Then Christmas comes, he tells me he's spending it at the house with her and the kids, I accepted it was the right thing to do but then to hear his whole family and hers is going too...I found this soooo odd because apparently he caused so much hate and hurt in the family for leaving her because he had an affair but all of a sudden the families are all ok to spend Christmas together...then new year comes and the same story! January was tough as my feelings for him started to weaken but continued to spend time.

He then tells me his dads 60th will be at his ex house, again another big family party and his mums 60th end of March... Ofcourse he's not told her he's still seeing me but... Is it just me being really stupid here or is this normal. He left his family because he wasn't happy, he had an affair, she knows about it, the whole family does but occasions are spent not just him, her and the kids, but both families... He's moved out but apart from a Wednesday and a Saturday night at mine, he's at hers till midnight then back to the flat...seems daft if they're getting on so well he's paying £260 monthly rent to sleep on a bed 6 hours a night as he's hardly in the flat...the flat exists as I have been in it.

Can someone please offer advice support on if this is normal or weird. As much as you are all entitled to your opinion and I do believe in freedom of speech...I don't need your hate comments on me being a homewrecker... I know I have caused alot of pain and hurt to innocent others by falling in love with a married man.

He says once he has his own place he'll not be spending as much time they're and then it will be the right time to tell her about us but somehow I don't believe it. He's delaying looking for a place, his friend offered him a brand new home he renovated, he was in no rush to get back to him. I've helped him with links to rentals etc.

Should I walk away. My gut feeling says yes, my head is confused but my heart says give it time. Please help x

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We can tell you to walk away but you might walk right back into a situation again with a partner who's totally unavailable to date/married/not all there. I think the reason why this is a gray area for you is because you've already spent three years in limbo. You've been disillusioned and had promises made to you and broken and now you don't know left from right or what to believe. Stay single for awhile until you feel a bit more confident about what you want out of a partner.

They will continue to be cordial and in each others' lives for the kids. I think it's a positive sign for him and his family that they are still able to have get togethers and see each other on special occasions. If you care about this person, be happy for him. He's repairing and maintaining those relationships for his kids and also coparenting. 

Their divorce hasn't finalized either or custody arrangements made and it doesn't sound like he has a permanent address or place of his own. I know you love him but people break up or end relationships even if they are in love because the situation is just not right. 

Take care of you. You don't need to keep going in circles and this will take a lot longer. You've already put your life on hold for three years. Are you prepared to wait for another three or six or ten and he may turn around and start seeing someone else seriously? He may never commit to you or give you the relationship you want. 

In all that time you could be spending more time on yourself, interests, hobbies, making new friends or meeting some fabulous men and getting out there again. If you can see what you want for yourself, keep trying that.

I'm a fairly openminded person so if someone is good-hearted and honest and they come back years later after getting through something tough in their lives, I'm not opposed to the idea of meeting with them. Tread carefully though. You asked us not to judge your situation with the affair but he could do the same to you, promise you you are in a relationship and see someone else later also. The past history doesn't show a very honest person and that's a character flaw you can't change about someone. 

 

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1 hour ago, Sara2021 said:

his wife contacting the police who pulled me into the station to accuse me off harrasing this man...her husband!

Sorry to hear this. He seems quite toxic to you. He is the human equivalent to crack, heroin, etc. It may feel good in the moment but all the while destroys you.

Consult your physician for a complete evaluation, including hormonal, moods, neurological, etc. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support..

You state your marriage was bad, sadly this affair is worse and you're unfortunately the common denominator.

This isn't about "homewrecking" or any other moralistic situation. This is about how to finally live a quality life by improving your emotional health.

Edited by Wiseman2
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What's weird is that you want such a goober to begin with, OP. 

He's a pig and it's pretty clear he doesn't love you, or even respect you. He wipes his feet all over you, and has played you for a fool long enough. 

You fell in love with a bottom-feeder, girl. Don't you see that?

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3 hours ago, Sara2021 said:

Anyway from then round x2 affair began, again him promising me he was leaving her. I'd moved town, he visited when he could but then told me him & his wife were going away for the week as she wanted to try again...I took it on the chin, didn't make a scene as I was still too broken from the 1st time he hurt me & dealing with dad's death. I let him go.

This is really when you should have disowned him.. knowing his past behaviour and fact, he was still with her.

Plus, your own marriage fall out.. YOU were just in turmoil, right?  Reaching out, needing company - sadly with  a married man...

3 hours ago, Sara2021 said:

We spoke a few more weeks...apparently the police incident was all her idea etc, my guards were up to believe anything he said but still I gave him the time of day.

- Of course, I wonder why?  Because you've gotten emotionally involved - but not for your own good!  Sad...

 

3 hours ago, Sara2021 said:

I met her she spun the story to be it was her asking him to leave for years but then she took him back everytime when finding out we were still seeing each other so I find it hard to believe she'd try kick him out but allow him to stay after the affair.

THEY both are still stuck in their rutt...

3 hours ago, Sara2021 said:

.I don't need your hate comments on me being a homewrecker... I know I have caused alot of pain and hurt to innocent others by falling in love with a married man.

- No, you are in a lot of pain.. where have YOU been happy in any of this?  Has your trust been ruined by this unsettled man.. who's wife has also caused a stir?

WHY is this okay for you??  😞 

3 hours ago, Sara2021 said:

He says once he has his own place he'll not be spending as much time they're and then it will be the right time to tell her about us but somehow I don't believe it. He's delaying looking for a place, his friend offered him a brand new home he renovated, he was in no rush to get back to him. I've helped him with links to rentals etc.

First off.. stop helping him!  He is an adult.

She already knows about you two... from sounds of it.. right?

He is in limbo.. His head is all over with so much going on and I feel she's got him wrapped around her little finger.. he still feels that need.. that connection and is no where near ready to have a full, decent relationship with YOU.

But, sadly you chose to remain.. with all this has done to you 😞 

You need to find yourself.. your inner strength and remove yourself from all of this... but, as mentioned.. you most likely won't take what people are saying to do..

You've reached out - now, what are you going to do??

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This guy is just leading you around by the nose, you know that right? I don't know exactly what kind of advice you are looking for, but it's pretty clear you need to face the reality that he doesn't want to leave his wife and loves her very much. 

karma is going to keep hurting you till you learn that having an affair never pays off.

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What does this guy have do for you to be done?!  He has humiliated you, lied, gotten you involved with the police, threatened your livelihood etc....   I don't get it!  He has treated you like garbage.

What do your friends and family think if all of this?   This guy does not love or respect you, I don't even think he likes you.  I think he enjoys treating you like  this.  

What makes this guy such a prize?  Is it the fact he is such a great and loyal husband and father?  Not!

Please seek some therapy.  This is not love, you need to figure out what you get out of all of this chaos and mistreatment.  

Edited by Hollyj
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So many lies and cheating.  This is who he is and now who you have become.

This is pretty simple.  Do you want to continue down this horrible path or not?  As soon as he is out of your life all these lies and deceit will be out as well or you can keep lying to yourself and waste another few years on this pile of crap.

Lost

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Did you at least finally divorce your husband?

No, this guy doesn't love you. He just enjoys playing with you. Question is, why do you put up with being treated so horribly? And a better reason than "But I LOVE him!!!" please.

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  • 3 weeks later...

This is a joke post right? It goes on forever. He played you so many times now like cmon. Leave. Stop. You will never ever know if he’s banging his wife or ex wife ever. It’s pointless. And if I were here I would be spiteful and purposefully bang him forever if he ends up being with you. FR.. that’s how woman can be and act. In your post you keep wondering about trivial things on if she kicked him out or if he left. Sh prob kicked him out many times but can’t get rid of him. He’s a narcissist an extreme one. He’s literally a womans worst nightmare not some ideal dreamboat catch of a guy here. He totally insults her lying saying she trapped him meanwhile he had another baby and married her. This is a common lie d bag men tell to women to try and get the V card. She’s unfortunately trapped by a long custody battle with him preventing her to move on. Probably shared mortgage they can’t get out of and maybe car payment loan to. It’s not as simple as you think. But you also are married so you should know all this. That divorce will be long and expensive mine cost $4000 and we didn’t do it til years later. Get ready to wait years. Literally years. And you re waiting for what? A guy that’s a total cheater that will 100% cheat on you down the road? Because he will. You seem to believe all the lies he’s saying for some reason I’m not sure why. Since you are about to get divorced this should be a great time for you to get out there and date around. My best years were right after leaving my ex husband. And worst were meeting and dating the next man I’m dead serious. It’s not even worth the hassle and anxiety most of the time. You can bet your azz this guy isn’t sitting online typing up an essay pondering about you. Why? Because he’s scum that’s why. He’s most likely laughing to his friends about getting P from you. If you want to know what’s really going on I would be doing some next level spy bs. Planting tracking devices getting a private investigator planting a secret listening device in his car or house. But you will just go to jail. And you are just going to prove what you already know. You already know exactly what’s going on. You don’t need to walk in on him banging his ex to know he’s banging his ex here. And he’s most likely seeing other people as well and going on tinder dates. This guys a liar. Move on immediately. I read your whole post and couldn’t believe it kept going and that you still were questioning his intentions. Some people out there are just bad. I mean they cheat on the person they married for like no reason at all. For fun. 

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